Drowning

This life, it’s like drowning. It’s like I was stranded overboard and I’ve been spending my life just trying to keep my head above the water. But I’m tired, so tired; tired of everything, of my parents, of myself, of stress and school and work. It’s just getting to be too much for me to handle and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I had put a life-vest on or I wish someone could save me. I can see lights in the distance and I know land isn’t far. But it’s just out of reach. It’s just a strange temptation that makes it all worse, like when you’re a kid and you sleep over your friend’s house, you pretend like you live there, but, in the morning, you always have to go back.1

She woke up after two hours of sleep. Head pounding, muscles aching, blood drying. What had she done to deserve this? Some questions would never be answered. As she got up, the sheets stuck a bit from the dried blood. She groaned and headed for the shower.2

As the scalding water dripped from her body she thought about her life. She wasn’t happy. She looked down at her scarred wrist and thought how ungrateful she was. She hated herself so much, yet she couldn’t kill herself, her friends would be pissed, they loved her and needed her. Her friends, they were so great. She didn’t deserve them.3

And him, oh god she couldn’t take him for much longer:4

“This is for your own good. You know that, right? You are a bad person and must be punished. You have to learn to respect me. I am your goddamn father! Actually, you should be thanking me, you deserve so much more than what your mother and I give you. We love you and we want you to grow up to be descent people like ourselves. Now don’t you love me, too?”5

And she always complied. Sure it hurt like Hell but she knew it would just be worse if she didn’t.6

It was a Thursday night. Jay had just walked into her house, almost three-thirty in the morning. The sight of a 6’2” silhouette in the doorway of the kitchen nearly killed her. He was of a strong build, probably a football player, maybe even rugby, but that wasn’t what Jay was thinking about. She was thinking her father was a short man, 5’5” and of a slight medium build, never very athletic.7

“Quite!”8

Jay almost screamed, catching it in her throat, turning to a raspy squeal before exiting her mouth. Who was this man in her house? Had he been waiting for her long? She knew her parents were at Uncle Dave’s and for once she regretted them not being home.9

“My parents are upstairs and my father has anger issues. You’d better leave before they wake up.”10

“Don’t lie to me you little bitch!” he screamed, catching Jay off guard, unconvincing her she could persuade this man to leave her be.11

Jay never scared easily, she couldn’t afford to, but at this point she was trembling, sweat was dripping from her, she felt as though she was going to die on the spot, not that that would’ve been a bad thing to her.12

The man slowly approached her, stroking her face with his handgun. The metal was cold, hard. Jay could smell something on the barrel of it, could it be? Blood? A tremendous shiver ran through her body, making her hair stand on end. Jay set her jaw, determined not to let him see her fear or hurt, although the flashbacks were quick in coming; painful memories ran through her like a raging river.13

He gently but forcefully grabbed Jay’s arm and began steering her toward his car parked outside. A little forest green Jetta, nothing conspicuous about it. Suddenly He lifted her up and threw her roughly into the trunk, slamming it down, just missing her left hand. Jay listened as the accelerated footsteps rushed to the driver’s seat and slammed the car into gear.14

The sound of sirens was becoming increasingly clear and Jay almost cried with joy as He pulled over.15

“What seems to be the problem officer?”16

“Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”17

“I apologize, sir, but you see my daughter, she’s hurt, I just got a broken-up call on my cell phone, she was taken at about three-thirty this morning and they just found her. If I don’t get to her soon I just don’t know what I’ll do.”18

“Forgive me, go, go! And good luck to you, sir.”19

Jay’s heart dropped straight through the floor of the car, into the road, and was run over by the police car off to chase another speeder. She could almost feel His smirk as He started the car again, with newfound confidence to match.20

About an hour later He stopped the car for the second time. Jay didn’t know what happened until she woke up tied to a bed with a throbbing pain in her left temple.21

It took her a few minutes to realize He was sitting in a rocking chair in the corner, reading the Bible. Jay was an atheist but figured if there was a God, he’d help her now, wasn’t that what he was for? So she began to pray, concentrating harder than she ever had in her life. She wasn’t really sure what she was doing but she just kept repeating the same thing over and over again.22

“Please, God, Father, if you’re there, don’t let my father rape me. Please, God, Father…”23

“No one’s listening,” hissed a voice in her ear.24

Jay’s heart leapt into her throat and began beating there at a detrimentally fast pace. She could feel stubble from his chin rubbing against her jawbone, causing shockwaves to radiate throughout her body. Slowly, very slowly, he untied her with his left hand while, almost absentmindedly, holding the gun to Jay’s left temple. She shook from fear.25

When the ropes had successfully been removed, He ordered her to stand and she complied, almost too willingly, almost too reluctantly. He slowly dropped the gun from her temple and began to drag it lightly down her body, causing Jay to feel as though it was on fire and she was being burned with every second it was on her; He chuckled with the pleasure of her pain.26

As Jay’s chest rose and fell with her heaving breaths, He ordered her to remove her shirt. She was appalled. If He wanted to rape her shouldn’t He have to do it? But no, He had the gun tightly grasped with His right hand, waiting impatiently for Jay to obey. She quickly removed her shirt, covering herself immediately. He laughed softly in her ear as He reached around her and unclasped her bra, causing tears to start streaming down her face. Soon she was standing in front of Him, unclothed, scared, weak. She shook from the cold wrenching through her bones.27

It was one in the morning on Friday. Jay lay on the sidewalk, bruised, broken, and finished. She didn’t want this anymore. Her biological father had found her. She thought when she had been re-adopted she’d have a chance to start over new. He had only served six months for what he had done to her as a younger child, and he probably wouldn’t serve at all for this.28

Jay scraped herself off the walk and caught the soonest bus possible. When she finally reached her house she was relieved to see no one was home, as usual. She let herself in and, after checking every room and locking all the doors, she called her best friend. If she had ever needed anyone so badly it was now. But after one ring she changed her mind. Why make Cassie worry? She had her own problems and didn’t need Jay’s bullshit.29

Cassie’s phone rang at three o’clock in the morning. When the caller hung up after one ring she recognized it as Jay’s signal for help. Anxious to find out what the emergency was, she sprinted to her car and drove to Jay’s house. She wasn’t home. Tears began to blur her vision and her heart was racing. After frantically searching everywhere she could think of, something Jay had once said occurred to her: “If I ever got desperate enough to do it, I think I’d like to jump off that bridge we used to fish at as kids. I’d have great memories on the way down and no one would have to clean up the mess!” At the time they both had laughed it off, but looking back Cassie realized the look in Jay’s eyes and sped toward the river.30

As soon as Cassie had parked the car she saw the figure of her best friend inches from the ledge.31

“Don’t do it.”32

Startled, Jay turned around, losing her balance. She desperately grabbed hold of a branch about a yard below the ledge. Cassie ran over, diving onto her stomach and reaching out her hand. Desperately she tried to save Jay, tried to save her best friend.33

“You’ve had the power to save yourself the whole time. I know you’re slowly drowning in this life but we’ve been waiting in the life boat right next to you. All you have to do is reach your hand out and let me help you. Just let me help you.”34

Jay looked up into Cassie’s compassionately blue eyes and let go. A single tear fell from Jay as she plummeted to her death. The tear splashed into the raging river, becoming mixed up as just another drop. And soon her body became mixed as well. The swirling red soon dispersed and gone was another life, another person lost to the world. She could’ve been so great.35