The Calligrapher

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The body of Rosalie Azria was in prime condition: all hair waxed, eyebrows plucked and trimmed, scalp shaved and gleaming. Her cheeks were rosy, and her skin unblemished beneath the light makeup. The lips were soft and full, cherry-red and glossy. She was naked, hanging limp, arms bound and dangling from the ceiling fan like a white, fleshy carcass of meat. If this all was not puzzling enough, there was also the matter of the killing itself. 4

Her entire body had been carved, almost surgically so - possibly with a scalpel or a pen. The wounds were deep and thin, intricate arcs and curves that collided and seperated, forming bizzare images. A dragon was traced on her back, full in detail and drawn with terrific grace. Its tail coiled around her thighs, mouth open in a roar. The front was similar, with flowery patterns and circlets around the nipples, forming a twisting, turning vortex on her breasts. Only the face was unmarked, a token that meant little.5

There was writing there, too, thin and slanting, the writing of a skilled hand. It made a triangle, beginning from the base of her neck and dipping into her cleavage till it met her navel. Beneath the body was a pool of murky blood, its putrid stench wafting in the air, engulfing them in the smell of death. 6

Lee Hunter stared at the body of Rosalie's body intently, tracing his finger on the congealed wounds, face twisted in disgust. His twenty-five years in the service had never seen such a thing. 7

He knew this was the work of a killer. 8

A killer. An artist. 9

Lee named him: the Calligrapher. 10

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Lee Hunter was California's first Asian Chief Detective, a position almost impossible to attain. He was a short man of stocky build, a thickset face and a balding head. He never had much to give to the world, except of course, his mind. Lee Hunter had a cunning mind, and in the Police Department, there was nothing more reverred. Not even loyalty. Lee had worked hard for this. He had forsaken his marriage with Chantelle, the first and last love of his life - all in the name of duty. She had divorced him and he did not resent her for it. She deserved better. 17

As for Lee, he had made duty his wife. His love. His passion. 18

He sat in his office, sipping on a mug of coffee, doodling idly on a piece of paper. Everytime he shut his eyes, the body of Rosalie Azria flashed into his mind. It was a disturbing image. 19

A knock on the door. 20

"Enter."21

"Sir, here's the translations from the inscriptions on Rosalie Azria's body."22

"Thanks, Natalie. What about the team?"23

"I notified them an hour ago. I suppose they went to the crime scene first."24

"Phone them again, tell 'em to come here, right now. Ah, and phone Press Control, tell them to keep a lid on this one."25

His assistant left and he turned his attention to the file in his hand. He opened it. The writing had been French, he realized, although he had not been able to decipher it on the body. 26

Le portrait de la prostituée. Pour le Louvre. Je réclame Adonis.

The Portrait of the Prostitute. For the Louvre. I claim Adonis. 27

Vague, thought Lee. 28

Another knock on the door. Lee slammed the file shut. 29

"Enter."30

A group of three entered the room. Lee and his team were closely-knit and worked well together. He had handpicked them, singling them out for their strengths and weaknesses, allowing them to fill each other's gaps. Sophie was the glue, an olive-skinned and beautiful woman, her hair gently peeking from beneath a grey hat. She was of Italian descent, a wonderful addition to the team, quick to love, quick to laugh. She wore a grey coat, over a white, cotton shirt and long trousers. Passing Lee a smile, she winked playfully, and took the seat opposite to him. 31

Junior was the son of the former Commissioner and a quiet but resourceful kid. He wore his uniform with a stiff pride, his tapering face almost hidden behind the large cap. Still young, but very bright and knowledgeable. He greeted Lee politely and took a seat next to Sophie. 32

Vincent was a brute of a man, large and thick-headed - the muscle of the team. Lee thought it was essential to keep men like Vincent on a team. They rocked people's defenses, made them wary and they were always ready to hand you any information. He grinned at Lee and slumped down on the couch. 33

"Ah, I just told Natalie to call you," said Lee. "I suppose you've seen the body."34

"Worst killing I have ever seen," said Junior, shuddering. 35

"Ditto," said Sophie grimly. 36

"It was artwork, it was," said Vincent. "Very skilled work." Sophie turned to him, appalled. "Just saying we're looking for one talented killer!" Vincent explained. 37

"He's right," said Lee. "We are looking for an artist. A skilled one at that. Doctor Connor took a look at the body, before he passed out from the smell - poor man's getting old; he said that most of the markings were made while the victim was still alive."38

Sophie gaped. "Alive?"39

"Yes," said Lee. "The woman managed to stay alive through most of the torture, unfortunate as it were for her. Death was possibly by - uh - excessive loss of blood. After she was dead and most of the blood had drained, the killer washed the body with vinegar."40

"So we could clearly see his work?"41

"Yep," said Lee.42

"What about that writing?" Vincent asked, toying with a pen. 43

"French," said Lee. He passed them the file and they each took a look. 44

"Well?" Lee asked. 45

"He's named the killing like it was artwork," said Junior. The boy looked disturbed. "The Prostitute's Portrait, it's a title - but Rosalie worked in a bar, didn't she?"46

"Part-time," said Lee, glancing at the file in his lap. "She worked nights too." 47

"What about the next part?"48

"For the Louvre?" said Vincent. 49

"The Louvre Museum of France," said Junior. "It's the most visited historical museum in the world. It harbors some of the most significant pieces of artwork - all the famous ones - Last Supper, Mona Lisa, Virgin of the Rocks." 50

"How do you know that?" said Vincent. 51

"Took art classes a lot; I'm pretty handy with a pencil," said Junior, shrugging. 52

"For the Louvre," said Sophie. "So he's presenting it to the Louvre. He's mocking them. It sounds like a scorn. For the Louvre. Maybe he was an artist and they rejected his work."53

"Read the last part," said Lee. 54

"I claim Adonis," said Vincent. 55

"His next victim?" said Sophie. 56

"Exactly what I think," said Lee. 57

"Adonis? What does that mean?" said Vincent. 58

"He's someone in Greek mythology, right?" said Junior. "Adonis - it usually refers to a man very beautiful or handsome." 59

"If his next victim is male," said Sophie. "Then we can rule out that this is sexually triggered homicide."60

"Was Rosalie raped?" said Junior. 61

Lee shook his head. "Pampered more like it. Not a scratch on her." 62

"How hard it is to find an Adonis in L.A," said Sophie slyly. "It's teeming with handsome men, up here for a shot in Hollywood. Our victim could be anyone."63

"I don' think so," said Lee. "I think Adonis refers to a title. Someone either claiming to be Adonis or someone compared to Adonis, perhaps."64

They conversed for about two more hours, well into the night, and it was almost 2 AM that Lee finally ordered them to retire. 65

"We'll get on this fully in the morning," said Lee. His team gave him a hasty goodbye and then went out of the door, yawning and stretching their legs. 66

Lee slumped on his desk. He reached into a drawer and brought out a small pillow. He often slept in the office. Right now, the idea of his office was much more appealing than his forlorn apartment with its cold bed, cheap microwave food and draughty loneliness. He lay his head on the pillow, brooding till the stupor covered him like a warm blanket.67

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His car followed the hijacked van. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a .357 Magnum, a gun he had illegally obtained but had come of much use. He pointed it to the tire of the van and put three bullets into the rubber wheel.

The van skidded and the hijacker losing control. Then, it hit a bump on the road. 70

The van catapulted, flying high into the air, flipping once. Twice. Thrice. Lee heard the jarring sound of metal. He smelled the burning tire, heard the shattering glass. And his car went headlong into the van. 71

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He woke with a start, sweating profusely. The light was out again. Damn, he though. Not this again. He got up and went into the office. It was nearly empty, except for some nightime cops. They waved him a greeting. He did not return it. His head felt heavy. It had been a long time since that dream had ever disturbed him. A thankfully long time. 73

Lee had been a novice back then, tailing a hijacked van, not knowing that it contained hostages from a local Book Club. His move with the Colt Python pistol had cost him all their lives and almost his own too. The Commissioner's wife, Mary Hughes was also among the hostages. Lee survived. None of the hostages did. Lee had never told anyone about the Colt Python. The tire of the van was so terribly sheared they could get nothing out of the investigation. The Police records showed it was an accident. 74

Perhaps it was partly why Lee had admitted Junior into his team. He was a novice, not fit enough to be in a high-ranking team. But it served to soothe his own guilt. His guilt of having taken away his mother. Lee shook these thoughts from his head. 75

He took some water and made some coffee. It would not do to sleep again. 76

He looked at the time. 6 AM.77

Tired, he ruffled through the magazine stand when something caught his eye. The cover of Vanity Affairs. A young boy was on the cover, a teenage movie star. Beneath his face, red letters flashed angrily. 78

Joshua Ozi Crowned America's Adonis.79

Adonis, he thought. Bloody hell. 80

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The murder of Joshua Ozi could not be hidden from the press. A maid who had discovered the body in an abandoned garage had already sold all the gruesome details to the press. It was all much the same. The body had been waxed and cleaned and scrubbed and then engraved. Vivid flowery patterns all over the back and the arms. A phoenix depicted on the stomach, enveloped in fire. There was more writing, in a similar triangle, yet to be translated though. 87

Lee, Junior and Sophie sat in his office, brooding. Two kills with a twenty-hour berth. This was bad. Sophie flicked through the news channels. The story had spread like wildfire. The only damage control was that the body had been saved form the media. That, Lee thought. Would have been a disaster. 88

"The murder of the innocent teenage movie star is an outrage ... we regret to inform that Joshua Ozi ... Joshua Ozi murdered in cold blood ... teenage fans outraged. You can see girls crying. His family members are mortified ... this is a tragedy. Never before has a teenage star been a victim of homicide. This has rocked Hollywood and LA ... the LA Police Department has Chief Detective Lee 'Hunter' Huang and his elite team on the case ... the Police is obstructing us from seeing the body ... " The lights went out.89

"Oh great," said Junior. 90

Suddenly, the door was kicked upon and Vincent entered, arms laden with folders. He handed one to each of them. 91

"The translations," he said. Lee read the folder. 92

Le Prince Sali. Pour le Louvre. Reine Elizabeth dans le théâtre.

The Soiled Prince. For the Louvre. Queen Elizabeth in the theatre. 93

"The Soiled Prince -" began Lee. 94

"Is what he names his victim - or well, his artwork, in his mind."95

"For the Louvre. Again, we suppose he's been scorned by the Louvre or is somehow mocking the art world or something," said Junior. "It's not important. We need to know his next victim."96

"Queen Elizabeth in the theatre," said Lee. 97

"This could mean so many people too," said Vincent. "It could mean Queen Elizabeth in a metaphorical way, maybe he's targeting someone who's currently the best Broadway actress."98

"Or someone playing Queen Elizabeth," said Junior. 99

"Vincent, run a check on every play in the theatres this week, see if we can come up with something about Queen Elizabeth, you know the drill," Lee ordered. Vincent nodded and went off. 100

He looked at Sophie. She was deep in thought, legs on the side of the couch, eye on the ceiling. Suddenly, she heaved herself up. "Give me the files on both Rosalie and Joshua."101

She checked the files and then ran off. 102

"So, Junior, how's your father?" Lee asked. 103

"The chemo is helping a bit," said Junior, eye on the file in his hand. 104

"Good. Good." 105

Sophie suddenly entered the room. "Well, well, well ..."106

"What?" Lee asked. 107

"Here's something interesting. Both Rosalie Azria and Joshua Ozi - are Jews."108

Lee put his head into his hands. This could not reach the ears of the media. It would mean a nasty mess. They were not just talking phone calls and hate mail for lazy work. They were talking riots. This was a touchy place. 109

"Are you sure?" Junior asked, obviously sensing the fragility of the matter. 110

"Yep, just did full bio checks. Both jews," said Sophie. 111

"Bummer."112

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The next day brought worse news. Junior had been hit by a speeding motorbike. He was in his home, nursing a broken leg and swollen ankle. Vincent had run a manual check on the local L.A theatres. Two of them had plays featuring Queen Elizabeth, although in minimal roles. Lee ordered policemen to provide them with security. What are you gonna do now, Calligrapher? What now? 119

But Lee still felt uneasy. This was so obvious. So transparent. 120

They could not do much more. 121

They waited. 122

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That night Lee got a call from Chantelle. 129

"Hey, Chantelle."130

"Hello, Lee."131

"How are you?" 132

"I - I'm pretty good. Listen, Lee, I have something to tell you." 133

"What happened?"134

"Max and I - we - we're getting married. He's gone on a business meeting to Ohio. When he comes back, we plan to settle down." Lee sighed. It was a knife through his chest. 135

"Good for you then, I'm very happy."136

"Oh ... thank you."137

"How's Lacey?"138

"She's wonderful. She had just had a litter. Three golden pups, yeah, they're so beautiful."139

"Good. Good."140

"Are you okay?"141

"Yes, I'm fine. Working on a case. You must have heard about it."142

"The Joshua Ozi murder. Yes I saw. Terrible, isn't it?"143

"Yes. Terrible."144

"Do you know who did it?"145

"We're investigating. The killer is clever. Hasn't left a single clue."146

"You'll catch him. You always do." I couldn't catch you though. 147

"Well, I better get going; the team is waiting for me."148

"Okay, good bye."149

"Chantelle -"150

"Yes, Lee."151

"I love you." 152

A moment of silence. 153

"Goodbye Lee."154

She hung up. Lee went to bed but simply lay there, staring at the feeling. Was his work better than love? Was it worth this empty house? Was it worth waking up every morning and realizing no one is sleeping beside you? Maybe. 155

At almost 6 AM the phone rang. He was still awake. 156

"Chief Detective Lee Huang." 157

"Chief, we got a problem." It was Sophie.158

"Another murder?"159

"Yep, 14th Avenue. Wildcross Road. You can't miss it, the whole police department's here." 160

"I'm on my way."161

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The body of Elizabeth Queen was found in a movie theatre, dangling form the stage, naked, waxed and stripped of all dignity. Her body had been severely mutilated, engraved with insignias and abstract textures. It was impossible to watch. The rope twisted and turned, and her body revolved. A display of murder. Lee walked right into the pool of blood beneath the body's feet, not caring whether he soiled his shoes. 168

"Get her down, someone," he shouted at the policemen. 169

"I can't believe this," said Sophie. 170

"Elizabeth Queen - who has a name like that?" asked Vincent incredulously. 171

"She did," said Lee. "And it got her to a bitter end."172

"Why didn't we see this?" said Sophie. "We could've seen this!"173

"We could have, but we didn't," said Vincent. "This guy's playing hard ball. He changed his tune in the nick of the moment. Tricked us, and we fell for it."174

"How did the killer escape?" said Lee. 175

"Must've been easy enough, the whole place is a rundown theatre anyway," said Sophie. 176

"It's not in use?" asked Lee. 177

"Nope, not in seven years. They'll be demolishing it this year," said Sophie. 178

"Then why would a perfectly sane woman come out here?"179

"Maybe the killer attracted her, you know, sexually?" suggested Vincent. He and Lee went outside to the car, unable to bear the smell of the blood. Sophie stayed behind, ordering some men to take photos and to write down the writings on the body. 180

"Probably," said Lee. He kicked mindlessly at a rock. He was fed up of this. Fed up with everything. "How's Junior?"181

"Better, I heard. I called him, said he was taking bedrest," said Vincent. 182

"Well, you think we should get another member?" Lee asked. 183

"Nah, we'll do fine," said Vincent. Lee nodded. A new member would be distraction. 184

And with this killer on the loose, there could be no distractions. 185

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Lee and Vincent returned to his office and got some coffee, already looking forward to a long night. They looked over and revised the previous cases. The killer was smart. Clever. He never left a trace. Not a hair, not a fingerprint. The places were always very secluded - Rosalie was killed in a wasted apartment that belonged to no one, Joshua was killed in an abandoned garage and Elizabeth was killed in a rundown, secluded movie theatre. No links. No pattern. Except the one about Jews. Even Elizabeth Queen was a Jew. The hatred was fuelled with racism. 191

They had questioned around. Looked for clues. Nothing. No witnesses. No evidence. 192

Just a bloody cold case, thought Lee. 193

Sophie arrived, handing them files with the translations. They all studied them with interest. 194

Une reine a pendu pour sécher. Pour le Louvre. La pierre place mon oeuvre maîtresse.

The Queen is Hung to Dry. For the Louvre. Stone place, my magnum opus. 195

They looked at it for a long time. Then Sophie laughed and got her phone out. She punched in a number. 196

"Junior, hey."197

"We miss you too, boy, how are you?"198

"Good, good."199

"Okay, help us out here, art-boy."200

"The Queen is Hung to Dry - that's the name of the killing - yea, there's been another one. Turned out it was a woman called Elizabeth Queen in a movie theatre. Old run down place, yea. Okay leave that, save the details. Focus, kid." 201

"For the Louvre, again let's suppose it's the same thing."202

"Ah, now: Stone place, my magnum opus."203

"Ahan ... okay ... fine ... you sure? Okay, great, get well soon. Bye."204

She flipped it shut. "Apparently, a magnum opus is a Masterpiece, the greatest piece an artist makes." 205

"What about stone place?" said Lee.206

"No idea," said Sophie, slumping down onto the couch. 207

"Perhaps an artisitc statue," said Vincent suddenly. 208

"Good," said Lee. 209

"Let's go with that," said Sophie. 210

"Well, there are lots of statues in L.A," said Vincent. "The ones in Pershing Square, the ones infront of El Pueblo, in Expo Park, UCLA, Huntington Beach."211

"Put these are all crowded places, all famous," said Lee. "He won't risk it."212

"The man's a mad serial killer, they're not really the most cautious," said Vincent. 213

"This one is," said Lee. "This one is. Put the police on high alert for suspicious activity. Get two to three men to patrol these areas this week." 214

"We have very little to work with," said Sophie sadly. It was true. They had clues. Hints. Riddles. Nothing of substance. 215

We'll just have to do with what little we have then, thought Lee. 216

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In the evening, he left Sophie and Vincent, wanting to desperately get away from the office air. It was constricting him. Gagging him till he did not want to breathe. He decided to go see Junior, see how the boy was doing. It was not just the guilt anymore, he actually liked the kid. His father had long been his friend and comrade and he was a member of his elite team too. 221

The house was an old-styled Victorian, with yellow and grey elegant walls and a small but well-tended garden in the front. Lee knocked on the door. He tried to open it but it was locked. Curious, he picked the lock with a small pin, one he always kept for emergencies like this. It clicked open. 222

The house was dark. 223

"Junior," he called out. "Junior, it's Lee, you here kid?"224

Maybe his friends had picked him up or something, he thought.225

He went upstairs, drawing his pistol out. You never know. 226

Junior's room was open. Lee went inside. It was small and cozy, with a waterbed and cases crammed full with books. An easel and paints were propped up by the window. The computer screen was on. Lee peered at it. 227

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Hijack Gone Bad, Hostages Dead229

Today, at approximately 4 PM, a hijacked van toppled over in a police chase, killing four hostages from a local Book Club. One of the hostages has been identified as the wife of Commissioner Walter Banks of LA Police Department. The hijackers, Aaron and Bukhtar, had stormed into a building where the meeting of the Club was taking place. The group of three took the ladies as hostages and all of their money. Officer Lee Huang chased the car, supposedly being tipped off by suspicious neighbours. Lee Huang's police car crashed into the van after it toppled over, although the Officer has survived the ordeal ...230

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The boy had never let go of his mother. To this day, he still read those articles. There were others, pinned to the wall. He felt the guilty knot in his stomach weigh him down, almost as if he had just gained six stone. 232

Something caught his attention, a folder with a prominent photo. Lee found himself looking into the eyes of a healthy Elizabeth Queen, her auburn hair caught in the sun, green eyes delightful. What was a picture of Elizabeth doing here? He opened the folder. Inside, was a day to day account of Elizabeth's every move, encompassing the last two months of her life. It was full data, from which routes she took to work to what clothes she wore. It was disturbing. 233

He felt a bad feeling in his gut. 234

There were more files nearby. Lee ruffled through their pages. One was about Rosalie Azria and the other one about Joshua Ozi. They had the same, vivid details. Their usual hangouts, their friends, their pictures. Junior had done his homework, long before the killings had ever happened.235

Lee knew it in his heart. 236

Almost scared to admit it. 237

But the truth sank into him like a knife in the gut. 238

Joshua was the Calligrapher. 239

He could hardly believe. He turned the entire room on its head. Joshua had to have a file on the next murder too. Then he found it. A small, leather-bound file beneath the computer monitor. He opened it and almost blanched. Chantelle - his Chantelle. She smiled at him from inside the photo, blonde hair flying in the wind. Her cheeks were flushed and she pouted for the camera. Inside were more photos of her: swimming at the Country Club; eating out at Le Palais, her favorite restaurant; walking the dog. 240

Suddenly it hit him. A realization that made his heart hammer. 241

He remembered his first date with Chantelle. 242

"Chantelle, that's a very unique name."

"It means place of stone, strange right?" she had laughed. 243

"Well, I love it!"244

Chantelle was the Calligrapher's next victim. 245

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Lee's mind worked furiously. He drove with one hand, the car skidding from street to street, well above the speed limit, while the other carelessly fingered his Colt Python, the .357 Magnum. He had never touched the gun ever since the accident. He had tried calling on her cell phone, but Chantelle would not answer. 252

Max would be gone and she would be alone. A perfect target.253

He could not let this happen. He would not let this happen. 254

Lee would not fail. 255

He pulled the handbrake just before the house, and the car skidded to a halt. As he got out, he could smell the singed rubber tire. He ran to the front door and gently tried it, one hand holding the butt of his pistol. Locked. He opened fire, putting three bullets into keyhole and flung it open. 256

Chantelle hung by the ceiling fan, stripped but alive, wrists red where the ropes bound her. Her mouth was gagged with a sock. She fidgeted and tried to scream, giving a muffled cry. Junior stood beside her, hand holding a shaking scalpel. He immediately pressed it to her neck, standing on tip toes to reach her, pupils dilated with fear. Lee could smell his dread. 257

"Get away from my wife, boy," 258

"No - no, no, no -" said Junior shaking his head. His face burned with a mad fervor. 259

"Get away," 260

"You killed her," Junior said, breaking into sobs. "You killed her ... I know you did! I read the reports, I put the pieces together. You fucking shit, you killed her! He shouted at the top of his lungs, tears streaming. 261

"It was an accident," said Lee.262

"It was murder!" Junior shrieked. 263

"No, it was a mistake!" Lee yelled, taking a step forward. Did the boy not understand? It had haunted him all his life. He knew what it was. 264

"I hate you!" said Junior. He pressed the scalpel to Chantelle's throat. Beads of blood appeared. 265

Lee pulled the trigger. 266

The bullet went straight through Junior's head, leaving a bloody mess on the wall behind. 267

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"So the Calligrapher was just a hoax, a false trail, to make sure we didn't get on his tracks," said Sophie. She looked shaken, her hands pressed against her cheek. "All of that art, that cruel, cruel art ... all those people, those innocent people! God!"274

"It was revenge," said Lee grimly. "Revenge on everyone he blamed. The hijackers of the van - Aaron and Bukhtar, they're Jewish names, you see - it was all revenge."275

"Ingeniously cruel," said Vincent softly. 276

They were sitting in Lee's office and Lee had just explained everything to them. Chantelle had been taken to the hospital and was now asleep, although healthy. Lee found it hard to believe what had just happened. 277

"I - I don't know what to say," said Sophie, her eyes swimming with tears. Vincent pressed her shoulder. 278

"There's nothing to say, Sophie," said Lee. 279

The team was done for. There would be no more cases between them. They would never be able to work together. He could already feel the emotional fissure growing between them. The air in the room was laced with a terrible sense of betrayal.280

Lee looked at the Sophie and Vincent. They're young. They have a long way to go. He sighed to himself. 281

What would he do now?282

A vacation. 283

Yes. 284

A vacation. 285

That sounded so welcoming. 286

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In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 33 of 33

  • tallblondie gold member
    October 8

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent write, however, I did see the twist and the ending coming. It was set up nicely, with subtle clues. Could have maybe done with some red herrings, but despite their lack, this piece is still rather good.

    Thank you for entering Beginning Luck and welcome to the finalist's list.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    August 27

    Edit | Reply
    I'm glad that I finally read this... Dark, amazingly detailed and well written story.

    (The paragraphs are numbered by starting with 4 -due to the space at the top- I will use the paragraph numbers that way... can be a little difficult to see the numbers so I hope you can find the places I'm talking about. )

    P5: The wounds were deep and thin, intricate arcs and curves that collided and seperated, forming bizzare images.

    separated

    P7: Lee Hunter stared at the body of Rosalie's body intently, tracing his finger on the congealed wounds, face twisted in disgust.

    you used body twice in this sentence. I'd suggest striking 'the body of' so that it just simply reads: Lee Hunter stared at Rosalie's body intently...

    P61: "Was Rosalie raped?" said Junior

    I think instead of 'said', you should go with 'asked' because he asking a question.

    P70: The van skidded and the hijacker losing control.

    lost (not losing)

    P76: He took some water and made some coffee.

    no need for the 'some' in front of coffee


    P88: That, Lee thought. Would have been a disaster.

    change the period after thought into a comma and lowercase the w in would. It should read as all one sentence there.
    That,
    Lee thought,would havve been a disaster.

    P155: Lee went to bed but simply lay there, staring at the feeling.

    I think you meant to say ceiling, not feeling

    P168: The body of Elizabeth Queen was found in a movie theatre, dangling form the stage, naked, waxed and stripped of all dignity.

    from

    P212: "Put these are all crowded places, all famous,"

    I believe you meant to say 'But' instead of Put.

    P239: Joshua was the Calligrapher.

    Junior

    That was all I seemed to find off hand I hope that my review helped you

    I particularly enjoyed the twist at the end, although I must admit that I suspected it to be Junior... but that's because I know that usually serial killers tend to be the people that we least suspect, right? And more often than not- they seem to be right under people's noses without ever being suspected.

    You wrote this in amazingly great detail and with a wonderful cast. You had me hooked to the page

    Great work!

    ~Lady Pixie

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


    • Asfand
      August 27
      Edit | Reply
      Wow. You're quick, I had an editted version in Word, I was just waiting for a free gold membership so I don't mess up the font! But it's good, you've given me edits I missed! Thanks so much for the awesome critique and I'm very glad you liked this piece!

  • Wonderful, adventurous story.

    You're a very good write
    I really enjoyed this story.
    You painted a pretty vivid picture with your words.

    All together love it.

    Thanks for entering & good luck.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Linchy
    August 19

    Edit | Reply
    oh I love this crime. Art plus murder equals awesomeness.


    • Asfand
      August 25
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks a lot! The feedback means a lot to me!


  • gezza gold member
    August 13

    Edit | Reply
    Asfand

    A very, very good crime piece. It had the visual qualities of a top notch crime television episode of (CSI, CSI Miami, take your pick), or even a movie. As well, it had all the right hallmarks of detective fiction - the soul searching, the imperfect cops, the divorces, the serial killer (or in this case, pretend serial killer) etc.

    Your style is fluid and as I said above, fits the genre perfectly - another Patterson in the making!

    The twists were pretty good - not a complete shocker at the end (after all, we all watch/read these things all the time) but there is a satisfying symmetry with the false accident of the killer - very nice, as well as the false serial lead.

    Two important factual errors - Vanity Affairs is actually "Vanity Fair", and The Last Supper is not in the Louvre - it is a fresco in Milan.

    I enjoyed - mainly because it pitched the crime thriller almost perfectly.

    cheers

    Gez

    • Asfand
      August 13
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for the critique Gerry, the feedback is much appreciated!

      Thanks for the headsup, I'll edit ASAP!

  • rustic
    August 12
    Edit | Reply

    Enjoyed it :)

    It kept me reading to the very end


  • Valkyrie silver member
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    Nice story! I can see this as a movie...that I'll never go watch. I'm far too visual. But I know that the calligraphied bodies would be a fantastic hook for audiences. The double betrayal was excellent; the shades of gray all throughout the story were well painted.

    I loved the French aspect. It put me in mind of DaVinci Code for some reason.

    Being a former fan of all police and CSI: shows, I felt the technical cop details a little thin, but for the average person, it should suffice.

    p239 uhm, you mean Junior, right? Joshua's already dead. Again in the next paragraph.

    Well done! I can see why this story has won so many trophies. I wish there were more mysteries on SW.


  • Lori Nikki
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this was a great betrayal story! I loved it. And I have always enjoyed crime and murder stories! This was awesome! Very detailed and just plain amazing...good luck in the contest!


    • Asfand
      August 8
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks you so much Lori! I'm glad you liked it! My paranoia is officially over!


  • UsagiDreams
    August 7
    Edit | Reply
    Well done, good luck in the contest!


  • sberendt gold member
    July 30

    Edit | Reply
    I am amazed by this, truly. This was a craftily written crime/murder story and I loved it! No errors as far as I can tell. Great job, and thanks for entering my contest!

    (I truly have nothing else to say! )

    ~sberendt

  • Contest Entry

    I love this, it's great.

    It's so descriptive, and beatifully written.
    It's great, I really love it.

    Welcome to the finalists
    Dream ♥

  • Wow, thhat was awesome so much uhh... (sorry i cant think of the word) but wow! definatly a gold winner very very very glad to say welcome to the finalist list!!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Lithron
    July 16

    Edit | Reply
    Very good! Good imagery and story! One thing to change would be the location of the Last Supper. It's in Italy. Just thought you should know. Other than that, I couldn't find anything wrong with it! Is this why your are not judging this contest with us? Just a question. Anyway, here's your rubric:

    Grammar 15/15 – sentence structure, punctuation and spelling

    Style 28/30 – vocabulary, descriptive language, narrative voice, flow, revealing information

    Story Elements 25/25– plot (predictability), character development, setting, dialogue

    Premise 19/20 – believability, originality of concept, creativity

    Entertainment Value 10/10 – enjoyment, literary impact, overall impression

    Total: 97/100

    Good story, good luck, and keep writing!

    Lithron

  • Killer start, so to speak, superb imagery. I like the polyglot, too, there's not nearly enough ethnic mixing in life or literature. The well woven and twisting story is strong, the killer feels aethereal, unstoppable yet human. The victims tragic. Lee is indeed three dimensional. However, the execution is uneven, wavering between really good passages to the, well, average. Not bad, just... average. Like you put great effort into a few paragraphs then can't be bothered with the next.

    One thing: The Last Supper is a mural on the back wall of Santa Maria delle Grazie. It's not going to be found in a museum any time soon. Artistic license only goes so far ;-)

    Overall, well worth the read!

    Dw

  • Well done!

    I would like to see what's crawling around inside your mind. I mean, one minute you're doing something with pretty descriptions; the next, you do something like this. I find that you are, indeed, a very talented young author. This piece was very realistic, very brutal, and had me sitting on the edge of my seat.

    The thought did pass through my mind that Junior was the killer, especially when you revealed that tidbit about his mom. When Lee was at Junior's place, though, I thought the killer had gotten him...and then I was thrown back into the truth: Junior was the killer. Wow.

    I loved the use of his name of 'pieces,' because I think it is a rather unique idea. Very complex, too. I'm glad that Lee actually remembered what his beloved wife's name meant. I often forget what my name means, to be honest.

    Justice was served when Junior finally got what was coming to him, but it was sad as well. I mean, all those years ago when his mother died and everything. You made me feel so sorry for him and yet you also made me hate him.

    Thanks for entering this in my contest. You are one very, very, very talented author. Good luck and all the best!

    Suggestions and whatnot:

    Par 5: The wounds were deep and thin, intricate arcs and cruves [curves] that collided and seperated [separated], forming bizzare [bizarre] images.

    Par 6: There was writing there [,] too, thin and slanting, the writing of a skilled hand. It made a triangle, beginning from the base of her neck and dipping into her cleavage till it met her naval [navel].

    Par 7: Lee Hunter stared at the body of Rosalie [‘Rosalie’s body’ or ‘the body’ since it’s clear what body] intently, tracing his finger on the congealed wounds, face twisted in disgust.

    Par 8: He knew this was the work of a killer. [Surely she didn’t carve herself?]

    Par 17: Lee Hunter had a cunning mind, and in the Police Department, there was nothing more reverred [revered].

    Par 18: As for Lee, he had made duty his wife. [How did he do that???]

    Par 21: "Enter," [“Enter.”]

    Par 31: A group of three entered into [del: into] the room. / She wore a grey coat as well [del: as well], over a white, cotton shirt and long trousers. She passed Lee a smile, winking playfully [,] and took the seat opposite to him.

    Par 37: Sophie turned to him, apalled [appalled].

    Par 38: "Doctor Connor took a look at the body, [del: comma] before he passed out - poor man's getting old, [;] he said that most of the markings were made while the victim was still alive."

    Par 40: You mention the body was washed with vinegar ‘once again’ but there was no mention of the killer doing it twice.

    Par 52: "Took art classes a lot, [;] I'm pretty handy with a pencil," said Junior, shrugging.

    Par 62: Lee shook his head. "Pampered more like it. Not a scratch on her." [She wasn’t raped, sure, but she sure had scratches on her.]

    Par 65: They conversed for about two hours and then it was well after 2 AM that Lee ordered them to retire. [The conversed for about two hours; well after 2 AM, Lee ordered them to retire.]

    Par 67: Right now, the idea of his office was much more attractive than his forlorn apartment with its cold bed, its cheap microwave food and its loneliness. [Right now, the idea of his office was much more appealing than his forlorn apartment with its cold bed, cheap microwave food, and loneliness.] He lay his head [???], brooding till the stupor covered him like a warm blanket.

    Par 70: He reached into his pocket, pulled out a .357 Magnum, a gun he had illegaly [illegally] obtained but had come of much use. /The van skidded and the driver lost control. Then, it hit a bump on the road. [The van skidded and the driver lost control before hitting a bump on the road.]

    Par 73: It was nearly empty, except for some nightime [nighttime] cops.

    Par 74: Lee had been [a] novice back then, tailing a hijacked van, not knowing that it contained hostages from a local Book Club. / The Commissioner's wife, Mary Hughes [,] was also among the hostages.

    Par 76: He took some water and made some coffe [coffee].

    Par 88: Two kills with a twenty hour [twenty-hour] berth. /The only damage control was that the body had been saved form [from] the media. That, Lee thought. Would have been a disaster. [That, Lee thought, would have been a disaster.]

    Par 96: "Again, we suppose he's been scorned by the Louvre or is somehow mocking the artworld [art world] or something."[,”] said Junior.

    Par 98: "It could mean Queen Elizabeth in a metaphorical way, maybe he's targeting someone whose [who’s] currently the best broadway [Broadway] actress."

    Par 101: She was deep in thoughts [thought], legs on the side of the couch, eye [eyes] on the ceiling.

    Par 103: "So, Junior, hows [how’s] your father?"

    Par 108: "Both Rosalie Azria and Joshua Ozi - are jews [Jews]."

    Par 111: "Both jews [Jews]," said Sophie.

    Par 119: The next [day] brought worse news.

    Par 129: That night [,] Lee got a call from Chantelle.

    Par 130: "Hey Chantelle," [.”]

    Par 131: "Hello Lee," [.”]

    Par 136: "Good for you[,] then, I'm very happy," [.”]

    Par 137: "Oh, thank you," [.”]

    Par 147: "You'll catch him. You always do." I couldn't catch you though.  This almost makes her seem like a villain.

    Par 148: "Well, I better get going, [;] the team is waiting for me.

    Par 151: "Yes, Lee," [?”]

    Par 152: "I love you," [.”]

    Par 154: "Goodbye Lee," [.”]

    Par 156: At almost 6 AM [,] the phone rang.

    Par 157: "Chief Detective Lee Huang," [.”]

    Par 158: "Chief, we got a problem," [.”]

    Par 168: The body of Elizabeth Queen was found in a movie theatre, dangling form [from] the stage, naked, waxed and stripped of all dignity. / The rope twisted, and her body revolved, like [like???] a display of murder.

    Par 171: "Elizabeth Queen - who has a name like that?" said [asked] Vincent incredulously.

    Par 178: "Nope, not in seven years. They'll be demolishing it this year." [,”] said Sophie.

    Par 180: Sophie stayed behind, ordering some men to take photos and to [del: to] write down the writings on the body.

    Par 182: "I called him, said he was taking bedrest [bed rest]," said Vincent.

    Par 191: Lee and Vincent returned to his office and got some coffee for themselves [who else???]. / Not a hair, not a finger print [fingerprint]. The places were always very secluded – [:] Rosalie was killed in a wasted apartment that belonged to no one, [;] Joshua was killed in an abandoned garage [;] and Elizabeth was killed in a rundown, secluded movie theatre.

    Par 192: They had questioned arround [around].

    Par 197: "Junior, hey" [.”]

    Par 200: "Okay, help us out here, art-boy," [.”]

    Par 208: "Perhaps an artisitc [artistic] statue," said Vincent suddenly.

    Par 211: "The ones in Pershing Square, the ones infront [in front] of El Pueblo, in Expo Park, UCLA, Huntington Beach."

    Par 212: "Put [But] these are all crowded places, all famous," said Lee.

    Par 214: "Get two to three me [del: me] to patrol these areas this week." 214

    Par 221: In the evening[,] he left Sophie and Vincent, wanting to desperately get away from the office air. It was constricting him.

    Par 226: He went upstairs, drawing his pistol out. You never know. [There is a killer on the loose…]

    Par 227: It was small and cosy [cozy], with a waterbed and cases crammed full with books.

    Par 238: He could hardly believe [it]. / A small, leatherbound [leather-bound] file beneath the computer monitor. He opened it and almost blanched.

    Par 241: "Chantelle, that's a very unique name," [.”]

    Par 250: He had never touched the gun ever since the accident. [He hadn’t touched the gun since the accident.] He had tried calling on her cellphone [cell phone], but Chantelle would not answer.

    Par 256: "Get away from my wife, boy," [.”] [I would call him something else besides ‘boy.’]

    Par 258: "Get away," [.”]

    Par 259: "You killed her ... I know you did! I read the reports,[.] I put the pieces together,[.] you fucking shit, you killed her! [!”] He shouted at the top of his lungs, tears streaming [down his face.]

    Par 265: The bullet went straight through Junior's head, leaving a bloody mess on the wall behind. [behind him]

    Par 275: Chantelle had been taken to the hospital and was no [not] asleep, although healthy.

    • Asfand
      July 6
      Edit | Reply
      I figured the only reason could be that I didn't comment or rate! Well don't worry, I love your critiques and please, always comment like this. It's helpful!


  • the class
    June 29
    Edit | Reply
    This is awesome! I love the plot, the character reality, mostly the twist at the end. The tension you've created is brilliant, you had me scared. I really like the whole Agatha Cristie/ Midsomer Murders thing. Normally I'm daunted by the length of a story, and then I get put off, but you held my attention the whole way through. Congrats


  • colinlinder
    June 21

    Edit | Reply
    I read this story a few days ago and am pleased it was entered into my contest. Congratulations on the gold, it's well deserved

  • The beginning is striking. However, I must say that I'm glad that you didn't dwell on the gruesome scenes. You use it to draw attention to the story and then move on. Great.

    I really liked how the story progressed, but I hope that, at some time, you'll expand upon Lee's detective narrative. I know that you were writing for a contest and that you had a set time limit for which you could write the story, and so I applaud you for achieving what you did in that time. But this story has many possible paths that it could take. Come on, Asfand! The reader wants more! haha

    As the story stands now, I would suggest simply going through the story and watching for the small spelling and grammatical errors in it. They're mostly very small tidbits.

    Nice work.

    • Asfand
      June 21
      Edit | Reply
      Andrew, you have no idea how BADLY I want to edit this! My internet connection so slow whenever I edit it gives me a no server page!!

      Thanks a lot for the comment!!


  • Jennywinnie
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    This incredibly dark, yet artistic at the same time. It kind of makes me cringe.

    Ok great...I'm glad we switched to Lee Hunter's perspective,,,,I don't know if I could take 4500 word about how to carve up a person

    I love how you introduce us to Lee, though seeing his inquisitive mind...then you describe his his. We instantly see the teamwork here.

    He smelled the burning TIRE and shattered glass...

    Wow, I love how Lee has a totured conscience from his dreams...it keeps him humble...and human.

    Awww...I loved I couldn't catch you though...

    I'm really empathizing with this guy. I love how it causes him to question how devoted he was to his job.

    This is really awesome. You could easily turn this into a screen play for CSI or something.

    Great job



    • Asfand
      June 20
      Edit | Reply
      Oooh, I like CSI!! THanks for the great review Jenny! I'm glad you liked it!!

  • A good story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Aaez
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    I liked the story.
    I really did.
    The way it was written. The concept.
    The imagery.
    I could really picture everything.
    But what about the Jew thing? Was it just a coincidence that all of them were Jews?
    The french writing was a good addition and made it more interesting.
    But I wasn't too happy with it not having any purpose. It would've been better if it wasn't a "farce".
    Buuutttt.
    The Plot was great.
    The setting was great.
    I liked the whole thing.
    Definitely, a contest winner. Gold medal material. =)
    Best of Luck.


    • Asfand
      June 19
      Edit | Reply
      Hm, maybe I can add purpose to it! I'll try later! Thanks Aaez! Glad u liked it!

  • colinlinder
    June 18
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent read. I usually like to make comments that will help to improve the story, but I don't believe I am worthy of critiquing such a great piece. I found your story by revisiting XxXDreamWeaverXxX's contest "Do you have what it takes". I'm almost sorry I did because I'm pretty sure my story Lucky charm doesn't stand a chance lol
    There were a few typos I noticed, nothing major:

    P220 "So, what does you (your)name mean," he had asked her."

    Bravo

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Asfand
      June 18
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the heads up on the typo! I'll fix that! And thank you so much for the comment! Your very kind! I'm glad you liked it!

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