The leaves were so still that John knew it was going to rain. John, who was accustomed to converse on terms of perfect equality with his wife, called her attention to the dark clouds that were rolling with sinister intention from the east. A deep, threatening roar accompanied the oncoming storm. 1
"You're at it again, I see." Emily twittered on John's left as she drifted in from the kitchen to stand by his side. He noted her sandy blond hair was restrained into a bun, which had become her preferred fashion as of late. His finger tips itched to free those gorgeous strands of liquid sunshine but stopped short. 2
John, a man of occasional few words simply replied, "I am."3
Emily gazed at John in wonder, her brow furrowing in thought. "I don't understand just what it is that you get from storm watching," she stated, "it's not as if anything new happens. You give more of your time to your hobbies than to me. Your own wife!" 4
John folded his arms across his massive chest, repressing a deep sigh. "I do no such thing Emily. You just don't understand me anymore." He refused to meet her frosty glare that could be felt burrowing a hole through the side of his head. 5
"It's not as if you try to explain it to me." Emily replied hotly. 6
He knew what was coming next. John could have had this conversation with his wife in a multitude of different ways but the ending seemed to be set in stone. 7
"You're always keeping things from me these days John," Emily said softly, turning away from him, "what has happened to us?" 8
John pursed his lips as the conversation drifted into that familiar cloak of silence he had become comfortable with over the years. John and Emily were only married for five years and already there was an absence of language between the pair. 9
He cringed as Emily draw a soft, shuttering breath. "Emy," John muttered referring to the nickname he had given her, "don't cry, you know I hate it when you cry." 10
"I'm not crying!" She snapped. John knew just by the gentle swishing of Emily's peach colored robe that she was drying her damp eyes. "What is it about these rain storms John," Emily said hesitantly, "it's like your obsessed."11
Not perturbed by her statement John asked, "Have you ever seen someone dance in the rain Emily?" He didn't even spare her as much as glance before answering his own question. "I haven't. I would like to. Someday." 12
Emily rung her hands together, studying the deep red floorboards of their moderate cottage. John stood as still as a statue silently willing silence, the conversational equivalent of building a wall over which you can't climb, through which you can't see. It annoyed him when Emily insisted on prying. 13
Almost as if Emily expected the intentional silence, she turned and strode towards their bedroom. She paused in the door way with one hand lithely griping the door frame. Peering over her shoulder she said, "I'm going to bed..."14
Silence met her words as John intently stared out at the approaching storm with something akin to excitement building within him. He mentally tracked the whispers of Emily's foot steps as she glided across the bedroom and into bed, noting the door standing ajar; like an open invitation. 15
John wouldn't accept to such a offer so easily. Instead he decided to stand in front of the great bay window in their living room as the storm grew closer. John wasn't sure what forceful thing was successfully keeping him and Emily apart, but he could feel that invisible wall growing with a certainty that rivaled the storm's arrival. 16
**********17
Two hours later John silently lay in his bed, blankly staring at the ceiling. The rain beat upon the low, shingled roof with a force and clatter that threatened to break an entrance. John had always loved a good Summer rain storm; it always seemed to cool down the heat wave that took hold of the earth. Perspiration gathered in beads along John's face as he kicked his legs free of the restraining cotton sheets. 18
He sighed rather loudly, wishing for the third time that night that he could share his passion for rain storms with Emily. She just didn't understand, and John didn't know how to explain it to her. 19
He rolled onto his side as a sudden need to touch her took hold of him. Just a touch, to reassure himself that she was still here. Even though they shared a bed it was only used for sleeping purposes. There were no whispered moments of sweet nothings, no love making, and no passion between them. Sometimes John thought Emily only remained with him because of her need for a companion.20
The room was engulfed in darkness as John reached a slender hand towards Emily's side of the bed, expecting to feel the soft, smooth flesh of her upper arm. Instead all that greeted him was a pile of rumpled bed sheets. 21
"Emily?" 22
There was no response. John rose from bed and blindly walked to the wall that held the light switch. With a flick of the switch the lights sprung to life revealing an empty bedroom except for a white monumental bed, a dresser, and their shared walk in closet. 23
John strode from the room searching about every room he came upon, growing increasingly anxious as each one turned out vacant. He stood, beginning to make a second round when the light from the bathroom caught his eye. 24
John stood in front of the door staring at it as if it was something fascinating. A thin sliver of light boldly splayed about the floor as if trying to share its secret with him. 25
His first instinct upon discovering the bathroom was to return to bed after uncovering her whereabouts. Instinct bade him be patient. For all John knew, something could be wrong. 26
"Emily," he asked hesitantly, "are you in there?" 27
He received no answer. A sickening feeling began to form in the pit of his stomach so John counted to ten before reaching for the door knob. His hand gripped the metal knob and twisted, preparing to open the door. A clash of thunder broke his resolve almost as if it was a warning. 28
"I bet your still upset about earlier," he said while placing both hands into his pockets, "for what its worth, I'm sorry Emy." John turned to leave and said over his shoulder, "Should you need me, I'll be in the living room."29
John made his way back into the living room, stopping in front of the window. His reflection stared back at him through the misty pane of glass. He was a young man of twenty five with a full head of black shaggy hair. The faint illumination from the moon cast shadows over the contours of his face, turning his normal brown eyes a demonic black. 30
He lost track of how long he had been standing there, idly listening to the rain. The worst of the rain storm had come and gone and now only a subtle sheet tapped against the roof. Each drop like a musical note. The sound was soft and lingered in ones ears for just a few moments. Individually each note was pleasant to John. 31
He gazed at the scenery. The rain enveloped the distant woods in a gray mist which shimmered almost as if it were a gray veil, concealing the cottage inside the eye of the rain storm. Another clash of thunder resounded through the air, and John's trained eye tracked the blue streak of electricity as it struck a tree in the distance. 32
The brief thunder strike had illuminate the land long enough for John to notice a figure standing on his front lawn. 33
"What the hell?" he frowned, pondering allowed to himself. 34
John watched as the woman jumped about as if she was filled with joy. With a exaggerated flourish of her hands she spun in circles as if in a Bale Le class. She looked to be in her mid twenties but John couldn't be sure from where he stood. 35
He wiped the frame of glass in front of his face that was clouded from his breath. John was fascinated. He had never seen anyone dance in the rain such as this woman. There was no routine that he could tell, which enchanted John all the more. 36
John cast a glance over his shoulder in the direction of the bathroom feeling like a small child who knows they are going to be caught any moment now.37
The sky roared as another clash of lightning sliced through the air, this time a bit to close for comfort. 38
"Crazy woman is going to get herself killed!" John muttered through clenched teeth. 39
**********40
Not bothering to grab an umbrella, John strode out into the storm. He stifled a shiver as the cold rain seeped through his robes onto his shirt and pants. 41
"Hey!" John yelled over the roar of the wind and rain. "Miss? What the bloody hell are you doing out in the middle of a storm?"42
The woman didn't seem to hear him. Either that or she chose not to listen. Instead she gazed upwards at the sky, and John's line of sight followed. They both looked to the sky which was an amalgamation of soft blues, purples, and greens. 43
John couldn't recall ever seeing clouds such as these; they didn't seem to have a basis in this world. The colors were familiar but so remarkably different that John figured it must have sprung forth from the mind of a painter. 44
The woman began to move as if the rain had made her restless, as if it urged her to move...to dance. John knew they should not stay out there in the open with lightening strikes so close but he couldn't tear his eyes from the woman. 45
Her dance began with a twirl. Nothing too complex, she just spun on one foot and landed. The faint sound of laughter reached John's ears, sounding like wind chimes. It was one of the loveliest sounds he had ever heard. 46
John could sense and almost feel the joy that was surging through this woman as if she was saying watch me and only me. One twirl multiplied into dozens and before long she was in a full blown dance. Her movements spring from a sensual beat that was flowing through her veins and within her heart. 47
Her hair was soaked through enough to cling to her cheeks until the moment she decided to spin her head, flinging out droplets in a watery halo. She was nothing but long limbs and graceful motion. 48
John swallowed hard. Watching her dance had been like a taste of heaven. Exhausted but exhilarated the woman stood leaning against one of the trees in his yard. John studied her form as he approached her. Her dress clung to her legs and chest like a second skin, he wondered why he felt like he had seen this woman before. 49
He stopped a few feet from her, disappointed that she had not noticed him approach. 50
"Miss?" he asked hesitantly "I don't mean to be rude but what are you doing on my property? And frankly, in the middle of a storm?"51
The woman jumped in surprise. "Great God all mighty you scared me and what do you mean your property John Briggs?" the woman panted between breaths, "I thought this was our property!"52
John's eyes widened. He couldn't mistake that voice anywhere. Shame inflamed his cheeks as he thought about how he had been ogling this woman, when he should have recognized those long legs and her proud stature. 53
"Emily?" He asked, disbelief coating his every word. "Is that really you? Good lord woman, what were you thinking?"54
He stepped under the branches of the tree which shielded most of the rain from them. He noted that a few droplets played across her face as if attempting to entice her to continue. 55
"You said you wanted to see someone dance in the rain, so I thought why not me?" She said with an innocent shrug of her shoulders, "I think I understan-...Yes, I understand now why you enjoy watching the rain so much. Its exhilarating!"56
Her teeth began to chatter loudly as a violent shiver rocked her body. John quickly wrapped her in his arms, pleased that her head fit perfectly in the crook between his neck and shoulder. He had forgotten that. He had forgotten how it felt to hold her. 57
They both stiffened in surprise from the sudden affection. John sighed contentedly as he felt her body relax against his and her arms lightly link together around his back. 58
"Thank you," He whispered, not sure exactly how to express his gratitude to the one woman who had fulfilled his desire, "I'm sorry Emy, for everything. I should have tried to express my passion to you, but I could never find the right words..." He trailed off letting silence ensue, but this time a different kind of silence. This silence wasn't suffocating and sinister but welcoming. 59
Emily seemed to know and understand. "John, its alright. I understand now how you feel." She paused. "Though I do have to say, I was quite jealous of your 'second lover' for a long, long time." 60
They both laughed, something they had not done in quite some time. John smiled down at Emily, and quickly gave her a peck on the lips before his courage failed him. Even though this woman was his wife they had been distant for so long it felt almost as if he was just meeting her for the first time. 61
"How about we go get out of these wet clothes before you catch a cold?" John asked softly. 62
Emily smiled, a truly happy smile. "I would love that, but," she suddenly became serious, "we have to be careful. I don't want to have to clean up a bunch of water tomorrow morn-" John cut her off. 63
"Tomorrow morning after the storm has passed and everything is wet and soggy." he said finishing her sentence. 64
Emily laughed and gently ran one hand over John's chest. "I was going to say I don't want to have to clean up a bunch of water tomorrow morning after," she paused staring up into his eyes, "we spend the rest of tonight becoming acquainted with one another again."65
"What?" John's mouth fell open in surprise. 66
Emily raised one eyebrow in reply before taking off towards the house. 67
"Oh! Now I get what you mean!" John yelled after her, a devilish glint in his eye. 68
"Look John!" Emily yelled as he caught up to her and threw her over one shoulder in a fireman's carry. She squealed in excitement. "A rainbow. You know what they say." She said holding onto the back of his robe for dear life. 69
John grinned as he caught sight of the spectrum of colors that stretched over his house like a colorful walkway. 70
"Aye, I do." He gave her bottom a slap, laughing as she released another squeal of delight. "Good things are about to happen. We've been given a second chance Emy. Let's seize the day!"71
John strode into the house with Emy tossed over his shoulder like a beautiful sack of potatoes, laughing merrily as he kicked the front door shut behind him. 72
Author notes
This story was created from two things:
The song Rainbow veins by Owl City and this link http://images.astronet.ru/pubd/2005/06/14/0001206254/tornado_nguyen.jpg
OKAY So this was a challenging work for me since this story was mainly fiction and did not contain anything that I usually write.
I favor writing on these genres: fantasy, romance/erotica, and the occasional humor. I favor writing these topics: Vampires, were-animals (wolves, tigers, bears), Dragons, Birds of Paradise.
There was one major element to my story; the rain storm. I was trying to make the story revolve around the storm to show how chaotic, compelling, and forceful the elements can be. John and Emily's marriage is just a representation of that. I also used the rain as a symbol of force and power, which helps to push the two of them back together.
In a list
A contest entry
- Anything Goes 24-hour contest by Jennywinnie.
130 points, ended June 17, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Great Endings(...or just a great story)! by Elms Apprehended.
180 points, ended June 22, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Five Elements: Water by Valkyrie.
350 points, ended June 26, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Spring Spring Spring by Lady Eventide.
600 points, ended July 13, 28 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For the Love of Nature by felanor.
195 points, ended July 16, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Summer (For Writers 15-18) by Kevan.
150 points, ended July 30, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Open your vein, heart, and mind (Erotica Accepted) by FireByrd.
159 points, ended September 30, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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Thank you very much for taking the time to enter my contest. Your story was very interesting, and really made me think about the feelings and imagery you effectively communicated.
Overall, job well done and good luck in the contest,
Kevan. -
Good piece. The story is intact and holds interest without being to over done for the genre it was in. Thanks for entering my contest and best of luck to you.
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I liked this alot
I'm not one for the were-stuff and the other vamp/fantasy tales. But really enjoyed this. the story holds up for me. I seem to get that you where pretty close to this story, taken in by it. A good piece, I liked it alot.
Dave
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it. This was my first time writing plain fiction, but I think I'll try it more often. Thank you again!
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i think this was terrific great job!
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Thank you very much for the read and comment!
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I think this was a terrific piece!
I love the emotions you convey and how those in the beginning really contrast those in the end. The descriptions are good, too.
I am a sucker for romance, so you definitely had me on the edge of my seat. I would be a bit suspicious of him though, if I were her. I mean, he did think the rain dancer was someone else. Hmm?
I really love the rain. It's magical, just as you revealed in this piece. Usually for me, though, it makes me sleepy...not romantic.
Well done and thanks A TON for entering this piece in my contest. My heart was thumping so loud near the end...but now it's back to normal. Well done!!!!!
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A few suggestions and what not:
2. He noted [that] her sandy blond hair was restrained into a bun, which had become her preferred fashion as of late. His finger tips [fingertips] itched to free those gorgeous strands of liquid sunshine but stopped short.
4. "I don't understand just what it is that you get from storm watching," she stated, [.] "it's [It's] not as if anything new happens."
5. "I do no such thing[,] Emily. You just don't understand me anymore."
8. "You're always keeping things from me these days John," Emily said softly, turning away from him, [.] "what [What] has happened to us?"
10. He cringed as Emily draw [drew] a soft, shuttering breath.
11. "What is it about these rain storms [rainstorms] [,] John, [?]" Emily said [asked] hesitantly, [.] "it's [It's] like your [you're] obsessed."
12. Not perturbed by her statement[,] John asked, "Have you ever seen someone dance in the rain [,] Emily?"
13. John stood as still as a statue[,] silently willing silence, the conversational equivalent of building a wall over which you can't climb, through which you can't see.
14. She paused in the door way [doorway] with one hand lithely griping the door frame.
15. He mentally tracked the whispers of Emily's foot steps [footsteps] as she glided across the bedroom and into bed, noting the door standing ajar; like an open invitation.
18. Two hours later [,] John silently lay in his bed, blankly staring at the ceiling. / John had always loved a good Summer rain storm [rainstorm] ; it always seemed to cool down the heat wave that took hold of the earth.
19. He sighed rather loudly, wishing for the third time that night that he could share his passion for rain storms [rainstorms] with Emily.
20. Even though they shared a bed [,] it was only used for sleeping purposes.
21. Instead [,] all that greeted him was a pile of rumpled bed sheets.
23. With a flick of the switch [,] the lights sprung to life revealing an empty bedroom except for a white monumental bed, a dresser, and their shared walk in [walk-in] closet.
24. John strode from the room searching about every room he came upon [John strode from room to room, searching] , growing increasingly anxious as each one turned out vacant. He stood, beginning to make a second round [,] when the light from the bathroom caught his eye. 24
25. John stood in front of the door[,] staring at it as if it was something fascinating.
28. A sickening feeling began to form in the pit of his stomach so John counted to ten before reaching for the door knob [doorknob].
29. "I bet your [you're] still upset about earlier," he said while placing both hands into his pockets, "for what its [it's] worth, I'm sorry Emy."
31. The worst of the rain [del: rain] storm had come and gone and now only a subtle sheet tapped against the roof.
32. The rain enveloped the distant woods in a gray mist which shimmered almost as if it were a gray [del: gray] veil, concealing the cottage inside the eye of the rain storm [rainstorm].
33. The brief thunder strike had illuminate [illuminated] the land long enough for John to notice a figure standing on his front lawn.
35. With a [an] exaggerated flourish of her hands [,] she spun in circles as if in a Bale Le [what is Bale Le?] class
37. John cast a glance over his shoulder in the direction of the bathroom[,] feeling like a small child who knows they are going to be caught any moment now. [del: now]
38. The sky roared as another clash of lightning sliced through the air, this time a bit to [too] close for comfort.
41. Not bothering to grab an umbrella, John strode out [del: out] into the storm.
43. Instead [,] she gazed upwards at the sky, and John's line of sight followed.
45. John knew they should not stay out there [here] in the open with lightening [lightning] strikes so close but he couldn't tear his eyes from the woman [del: 'the woman'; replace: 'her'].
47. Her movements spring [sprung] from a sensual beat that was flowing through her veins and within her heart.
52. The woman jumped in surprise. "Great God all mighty you scared me [!] and [And] what do you mean your property [,] John Briggs?" the woman panted between breaths,[.] "I thought this was our property!"
59. "Thank you," He [he] whispered, not sure exactly how to express his gratitude to the one woman who had fulfilled his desire,[.] "I'm sorry,] Emy, for everything." He trailed off [,] letting silence ensue, but this time a different kind of silence.
"John, its [it's] alright. I understand now how you feel."
61. Even though this woman was his wife [,] they had been distant for so long it felt almost as if he was just meeting her for the first time.
64. "Tomorrow morning after the storm has passed and everything is wet and soggy. [,]" he said finishing her sentence.
69. "Look [,] John!" / "A rainbow. You know what they say.[,]" She [she] said [,] holding onto the back of his robe for dear life.
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Thank you very much for the thorough, flattering, and error filled comment! LOL I appreciate you taking the time to point out my errors. I see I have quiet a few. I will have to go back and straighten that out as soon as I get the chance. Thank you again, and good luck judging your contest!
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what a wonderful stuff.....this site is wonderful.....nice concept and very....nice execution.climax was mind blowing....but there sud be few more features in story
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I know isn't it? I'm so addicted it's almost funny...
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Haha I will have to third that! I'm pretty addicted myself.
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Very lovely imagery! I too love rainstorms, though I don't go dance in them. I knew it was Emily dancing in the storm from the start; it seemed that it took John a bit too long to catch on to that, and to the hint of horizontal activities to come. Otherwise, wow! The suspense you built up, the description of both character and setting, it was all very well done. It was a pleasure to read this wonderful story. Thank you for entering it in my contest.
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Thank you Valkyrie for reading and commenting on my story. I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it. I am planning on editing and cleaning this story in the hopes of submitting it for publication with a woman's magazine of some sort (following Gerifitzsimmons suggestion). Again, thank you for the silver trophy; every one I receive only helps to motivate me to create my best story yet.
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This was an interesting read. I definitely loved the use of the elements and I appreciate what you were trying to do (thanks for the author's notes).
I want to say the dialogue seems kinda forced in the end, but maybe that's just because John is nervous about reacquainting himself with his wife.
A semicolon issue I noticed a couple times...semicolons separate complete clauses. In para 4 "me; your own wife!" and para 15 "ajar; like an open invitation" don't follow that rule. For para 4, you could try a hyphen (--). Para 15, you really don't need anything there at all -
Great job!
Very creative how you incorporated the storm into their lives.
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its really good , gr8 job !!!!!!!!!
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Hello Pauline,
I just wanted to say thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
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Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
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Hey Amanda,
I commented this story yesterday (6/19) but my comment doesn't seem to be here. Anyway her goes. This was a cute little story, if a bit predictable. I noticed a few things that you may want to have a look at. Para1-line2 Converse(ing) Para3 the placement of occasional seems awkward. Maybe 'on occasion John was...Para10-line1 drew-line2 referring is more at-carry or categorize, maybe reverting or using would be a better fit. Para20-line5, whispered moments? How about moments of whispered? Para26-lines1-2, this sounds like he was looking for the bathroom. Maybe-seeing the light under the door his first impulse was...Para28-I can see you're going for a little suspense here, but it doesn't ring true to me. If I called and didn't get a response I think the natural thing to do would be to barge in. Especially if I was already concerned. Para30-line5, we're in a rainstorm right, so where did all that moonlight come from? Para34-aloud Para47-line5 her feelings spring(ing)or sprung. Para69-line3, a rainbow at night? There it is. Please don't come looking for me with a stick.
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Hey Steve,
Thank you for reading and commenting my story. I really appreciate all of the feedback. I thought it was very odd that your comment didn't appear the first time, but a computer glitch is bound to happen sometimes and to our dismay.
No worries! I will not be coming after you with a stick. I appreciate you taking the time to point out a few of my mistakes. I admit, I was rather hoping there would be none, but I've yet to edit this story so there was bound to be a good number of errors floating around in there.
As for the error you pointed out in Para28...you said:
'-I can see you're going for a little suspense here, but it doesn't ring true to me. If I called and didn't get a response I think the natural thing to do would be to barge in. Especially if I was already concerned.'
I can sympathize with you on this. What I was intending to portray did not come across quite as I would have liked it to. I was trying to show that even though John was concerned for Emily (mainly due to her not answering his calls) if they had been 'closer' like when they were first married he would have barged in, but since they lost those feelings and the passion...John automatically assumed she was just upset. I was trying to portray that emptiness in their relationship with the silence, but I think I will have to go back and correct a few things. I hope what I said made sense as well.
Anyways, thank you again. I appreciate it!
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Oh I loved this story. For it being out of your usual writing ways it was fantastic. I liked how the storm brought them back together when they were so close to being completely apart. The characters were so rael I could just see them arguing. This was a wonderful short story and a great read. Awesome job.
I did get confused with one spot though.
Paragraph 35.) Is that supposed to be ballet? That kinda confused me. But other then that this was an amazing story. So great job and keep it up.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for reading and commenting! I'm glad that you enjoyed my story. Also, thank you for pointing out my mistakes. I've yet to do the first edit on this piece due to lack of time, but I'll get around to it soon. Thank you again!
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Hello amanda and thanks for sharing this unusual‘Romance’ with us. I love the way you started the plot like a murder about to happen—or at least a divorce
. Moved your readers’ thoughts into a concern for Amy’s future, while expecting the worst.
Suddenly things grew very mysterious; it was like John was unable to control his own emotions or actions. Then it looked like Amy might have committed suicide. All this is terrifically displayed to keep your readers’ guessing, while growing hungry for more worthy.
Of course the delightful ending was an unexpected surprise
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You have used two visible characters, in some interesting scenes with good descriptions so the reader can ‘See’ and ‘Hear’ the activity taking place and the voices of your actors.
This would make a nice offering to one of the women’s magazines or even Reader’s digest.
A few things to look at when doing the next draft:
. The leaves were so still that John knew it was going to rain. John, who was accustomed to converse on terms of perfect equality with his wife, called her attention to the dark clouds that were rolling with sinister intention from the east. A deep, threatening roar accompanied the oncoming storm. 1
"You're at it again, I see." Emily twittered on John's left as she drifted in from the kitchen to stand by his side. (These two paragraphs are not consistent; in the first John’s wife is by his side, while In the second she comes from the kitchen.)
. His finger tips (fingertips) itched to free those gorgeous strands of liquid sunshine but stopped short (of doing so). 2
she stated ,(. It’s) "it's not as if anything new happens.
You give more of your time to your hobbies than to me; your own wife!" 4 (This conflicts with the opening paragraph where you told the reader, John, who was accustomed to converse on terms of perfect equality with his wife,)
"It's not as if you try to explain it to me. (,)" Emily replied hotly. 6
"You're always keeping things from me these days John," Emily said softly, turning away from him, (. “What) "what has happened to us?" 8
"I'm not crying!" She (she) snapped.
Emily rung her hands together, studying the deep red floorboards of their moderate cottage. (Your style of moving back and forth between the characters’ POV is different, and I suggest you try to keep the thoughts of each in separate paragraphs so as not to confuse the reader.
(NP)John stood as still as a statue silently willing silence, the conversational equivalent of building a wall over which you can't climb, through which you can't see. It annoyed him when Emily insisted on prying. 13
She paused in the door way (doorway) with one hand lithely griping the door frame (doorframe.)
He mentally tracked the whispers of Emily's foot steps (footsteps)
John wouldn't accept to such a (an)offer so easily.
Instead he decided to stand in front of the great bay window in their living room as the storm grew closer. (I won’t correct anymore of these splits since this is apparently the way you prefer them.
The brief thunder strike had illuminate (illuminated) the land long enough for John to notice a figure standing on his front lawn. 33
"What the hell?" he frowned, pondering allowed (aloud) to himself. 34
With a (an) exaggerated flourish of her hands she spun in circles as if in a Bale Le class.
. They both looked to the sky(,) which was an amalgamation of soft blues, purples, and greens. 43
Her movements spring from a sensual beat that was flowing through her veins and within her heart. 47(another POV switch
)because John can't know what's happening in her veins--he could surmise or feel.)
The woman jumped in surprise. "Great God all mighty (God Almighty)
Emily seemed to know and understand. "John, its (it’s) alright (all right).
Geri
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I like it, their argument seems very realistic. There's a lot of great imagery, you describe the storm well and I do like how it symbolically strengthens and weakens with their relationship.
I see some minor issues with it grammatically, nothing that affects the story at all which is great. I have provided some tips below.
p2 "You're at it again, I see." Emily twittered
the period should be a comma after "I see" as technically it's a sentence fragment and the dialog makes the sentence complete. I notice you do this somewhat inconsistently you don't do it in p6 but you do in p8. Just something to keep an eye out for.
Also on the otherside when you start a dialog in the middle of a sentence it's proper to capitalize it as in p4 and elsewhere; she stated, "it's not as if anything new happens... should be "It's." The only exception is if it's the continuation of a sentence in previous dialog, like in p10. The one in p4 does look like a separate sentence.
p10 "draw" should be "drew" as it's the wrong tense here.
p12 "in the rain Emily?" there should be a comma after rain, as when you address someone directly the comma separates the name as it has no effect on the sentence.
p13 "John stood as still as a statue silently willing silence, the conversational equivalent of building a wall over which you can't climb, through which you can't see." Here I do believe the the comma after "silence" should be a semicolon and after "climb," there should be an "and" to keep this sentence from being a comma splice (similar to a runon)
p16 "John wouldn't accept to such a offer so easily." remove the to.
p33 "The brief thunder strike had illuminate" if you remove the had (it tends to create passive sentences, I've noticed a few but not too many) and make "illuminate" past tense this will work better.
p35 "Bale Le" do you mean "ballet?"
p43 love how you give a bit of fantasy element to this.
p56 "Its exhilarating!" should be "It's."
For it being drama and not fantasy (out of your comfort zone) this is really well done. As I said before the dialog was realistic, and even their actions fairly much so. Really quite a good piece. I think if you stretch your boundaries more you might find you like writing other genres. Not that writing only fantasy is bad
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This will be the rubric I grade on-
Title 2/5
Grammar 5/5
Original Style 11/15
Imagery 7/10
Figurative language 6/15
Impact 6 /10
character developement and plot 6/10
Emotion 6/ 15
Relation to prompt 8/ 15
It was an interesting story for sure but I felt it lacked to a certain extent, emotion, imagery, figurative language, and I think the character developement could have been strengthened by showing instead of telling. However it has potential, and I would like to see you in my contest because I do believe you have talent. -
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Hello Writing0Freedom,
Thank you for reading and commenting on my contest entry. I understand what you mean by "showing" instead of "telling"; it is just a hard habit to break I'm afraid. I do think I'm getting better though. Anyways, I'm glad you liked my story. I will be on the look out for other contests by you. Good luck judging the contest.
--Amanda
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Great characterization...I love the playful dialogue.
Wow, this started out so light hearted and now it's getting tense. Great job!
These really are fully developed characters, better then mine, and a rarity on this site.
I loved it, great job -
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Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it. This story took me four hours to create, so I wasn't sure if everything fit together right ...since I haven't had a chance to edit it yet. I'm glad that at least my characters turned out well rounded if nothing else. Thank you again for commenting!
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WOW
This is so good!!!
I like the way how you describe the dance in the rain and the storm.
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Thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed my story. This was a first time writing about anything other than fantasy creatures, but it was fun. Thanks again for reading and commenting.
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