"I'm going to tell you one more time. Get your hands off of me."1
A voice more chilling than the winter air slithered into the ears of the drunken man who chose to end his life that cold, starry night.2
Or, rather, chose to have it ended for him.3
"No can do, Sweetcheeks. Ya see, they're just so perfect..."4
The moment he decided to reach his hand up her shirt, he was knocked to the ground with a sickening crack of bone against concrete. The wound in his head was beginning to bleed as she got on top of him, sitting over his hips and unbuttoning the top two buttons on his filthy shirt, pulling the collar away to reveal his thick, stubbled neck. His muddy brown eyes widened.5
"The fuck are you, you crazy bitch?"6
She ignored his question, holding his head so that he was forced to look into her glowing silver-blue eyes, and he fell completely still, mesmerized by the thoughts that she was putting into his head, the glamour that she used to consume his mind. She felt the tension fade in him as she smiled, exposing a set of glistening white teeth. Her eye teeth slid downward, elongated, until they were long enough to leave just enough space to puncture without a tooth indentation.7
"Do you know when blood tastes the best?" she asked him, her voice pure silk.8
The man just stared into her eyes, breathing his last breaths, feeling his last heartbeats, seeing the last beautiful thing he would ever see.9
"Right when the victim figures out that they're going to die."10
And she sunk her fangs into his neck.
Author notes
Language a mother would be proud of. HAHA.
This is probably going to go through immense editing later on, but I wanted to put it up to get a little feedback from friends.
And for Mirror|rorriM, I just wanted to say that my first sentence, or the one that is supposed to pull you in is actually the first and second sentences together. 
If that makes sense.
"By the Dawn's Early Light"
A contest entry
- Fantasy Fanatics with New Novels! by MirrorIrorriM.
300 points, ended July 19, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sour Angels by Ashlyn Rose.
182 points, ended July 27, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - recently written stories by WillyLee.
400 points, ended July 24, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Should I continue?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
I love this you should definitly continue! Unfortunatly it was under the word limit. I hate DQ's but lately it's been happening often...
So sorry!
~Len
-
Well, this is very good as far as it goes, and I think you should continue with it. For the contest, I have to judge each entry as a complete story, and there isn't quite enough here to make a story, at least not until you write more of it. Thanks for entering the contest.
-
-
Thanks... I actually did write more, but I hate putting them all together in one huge clump. But I understand, and thank you!
-
-
editing... yes please. you need some editing. But as for if you should go on. Well... maybe I guess. You have potential for a good story here.
-
-
What exactly do you think I should edit? You kind of commented more on the author's notes than the story, and I'm trying to improve it.
-
-
Opening Sentence Breakdown:
dialog +1
pronouns +1
begs a question +1
voice +1
future tempt +1
5 points! Wowsa! That's the highest score we've gotten on all of these entries so far! Yay!
Oh Dear Writer you sooooo broke the record on these opening sentences. Haha, you make me happy. This was paramour. I feel quite out-done, here, to be honest. But there must be soooomething I can comment on...
g2: repeated word! Ha! Oh, and a missing comma! Yesss. Haha, you've got me desperate.
g5: another missing comma. "The moment he decided...up her shirt *, he was knocked..."
g5: I feel I should admire you for double playing the concept of straddling. The woman's sexually engaging him, a cruel irony considering the crime for which he is being punished.
g7: 'she could feel' is passively constructed. 'she felt' and then 'fade' might be a better choice.
g7: the last sentence is a bit of a run-on
g11: maybe excise 'and' to create a more staccato feeling?
Oh, Dear Writer, you made me one happy Mirror. I actually feel bad criticizing you here. If you want, I will gladly stick to this novel like glue and be a loyal reader/editor.
Thank you for entering
-
-
Wow!
Thank you for such a great comment! I will definitely fix those things. I'm so glad you liked it! That definitely makes me happy! And I would love if you read and edited the other parts! That would be great!
Thanks so much!!!
P.S. But I like the "And" in the last sentence :] Changed everything else though!
-
-
Yes
Do continue! I loved this and I can't wait to see where this goes. And this character promises to be fascinating.
beginning: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
