Rush

Slicing slowly across my wrist, I felt a rush of adrenaline flow through me as little dots of blood pooled behind the metal. I smiled loving the feeling. I watched myself do it over and over. My voice was empty with no reason to stop myself. The world, like my blood, dripped away from me. 1

I looked at my mother in the morning messing with my cereal. My sweatshirts sleeves were pulled around my hands, covering my marks. "Why are you always wearing that hoodie?" I heard her say in an angered but worried tone. 2

I wished to ask for your help, but I knew the only answer I would get was a hit and a call for the loony bin. I wanted to tell you because I was cold or I feel like. Something smart ass like. But the words wouldn't except my lips. 3

She sighed and looked away from me, mumbling something about how she fucking hated how her children acted or something. I felt tears pull at my eyes but I fought them knowing it would cause her to be angered. Fear was where I lived.4

~~~5

I looked towards the rest of the kids. You had your preps, jocks, emos, goths, punks, and nerds. Every group and I had no one. So I walked towards the bathroom seeing as no one entered the bathroom at lunch. But on my way I saw a glance from on of the emo boys. He looked concerned. I tore my eyes away and stepped into the bathroom. I hid myself in the last stall. I pulled out my razor and looked at it. The blade twinkled in the light. 6

Pulling my sleeves back, I pushed the blade to my skin. It was my addiction. One true addiction that was dangerous to my health like others. I'd heard other girls puke their brains out in here. It was disgusting, mine wasn't as bad. 7

Before I could remember what I was doing, blood dripped onto the laces of my shoe. I grabbed tissue and wrapped it around the cut. I had sliced slightly deeper than usual. It felt great and I loved every second of it. I was about to do it again when I heard people start throwing their trash away and book bag key chains rustle. 8

I slipped my sleeve over my wrist and putting my thumb through the hole I'd bitten through the cuffs. I walked out and saw that boy still sitting there. He hadn't moved from what it looked like.9

I walked past him, slightly nervous. I licked my lips out of habit. I picked up my messenger bag slinging it over my shoulder. I felt the razors corner dig into my skin through my hoodie.10

"Hey.. Your Neva right?" I heard a German accent ask. I looked up from my shoes and nodded. "I'm Jakobly. You're in my English class." He smiled and his braces shined in the light.11

~~~12

I sat with Jakobly on my bed. He was laughing from picture he saw. I almost cracked a smile but didn't. He looked at me worried. "How come you never talk, or say anything?" He asked looking at me. 13

I shrugged. But he kept looking at me. 14

We'd known each other for at least a month. I still didn't tell him I cut. I was too scared of losing him. I dreaded the thought of losing my only friend. Just the thought of it brought tears to my eyes. And unfortunately I was thinking of it. 15

"Whats wrong?" He said with a concerned voice and pulled me to him. He always knew if something was wrong or if I was thinking to much. And usually I fell into his strong comforting arms but, this time, I pushed away and held back those tears for dear life as I pulled up my sleeves. The room got silent. His breathing slowed and I could tell exactly when he inhaled or exhaled. 16

I covered my sleeves, looking down. The bed weight shifted and I felt arms around me and my shoulder become wet with tears. "W-Wh-Why do you do it?" I heard him stutter out as if in agony. I wrapped my arms around him. 17

I wanted to tell him everything. Why, what made me do this? I mutilated my arms so much you could hardly see untouched flesh. But I said nothing only held him there. I felt ashamed. To do this to someone so close to me. 18

~~~19

"CUTTER!" "EMO WHORE" "LOOK AT HER! SHES A FREAK!" On slip caused everyone to taunt me. I saw half the school laugh at me. All but the small groups of goths, punks, and emos. They looked at me with pity all but one, who didn't look at me. He was ashamed. He had spoken about it with his best friend and then some kid knocked me over revealing my arms. 20

I felt my body in motion. One foot after another, I ran. Teachers looked on me with pity as black tears streaked my cheeks. It hurt to be betrayed. I ran to the courtyard and felt hard ran hit my body like stones. I collapsed to my knees, pulling out my razors. I had gotten worse in class, I pulled it out slitting my fingers. I slit my wrist at lunch. I stopped eating to cut. I did whatever I could... And I can't help it.21

I cut through my old cuts. Deeper than ever before. Blood poured out as I pulled it along my skin. I didn't want to. But I did. My blood mixed with the rain. 22

I looked at my red reflection. 'How could anyone love this?' Crossed my mind. And I knew no one did. Or cared. And no one ever would. 23

I dropped my razor and watched my reflection ripple. I felt arms wrap around me and pull me to the owner. "Promise...Me you'll never do it again. Please." I heard a familiar voice speak. I nodded before it all faded to black.