"Arec'nekisca!(Blue Dance)" A female warrior screamed as she mustered up the last of her strengths into her sword. A flash of blue light appeared and all of the power trees lend her power.1
"Doneima!(Fired Tempest)" Her opponent screamed he was an Alchemist known as Hoseim. 2
Belonging to the south, to Skyrona he was only a human. Alexandria the warrior dodged his blow and inflicted her own. It cut into Hoseim's arm leaving him without a sword. When she closed there distance for the final blow, Hoseim grabbed his dagger out and plunged her chest. It didn't stop her from decapiting him though.3
Weakly she fell onto her knees as her friends joined her. They were nine all together.4
"Toki're al nieza're. (take it and shatter it)" Alexandria said to her friends. "Uro pech'ko, Uro ceraza. (Eight pieces, eight hearts)" she said without breath coughing blood. "Joi sem, tek Arentheena. (Hide them in Arentheena)" More blood came from her already stained lips and more fell onto the cold earth. "Cher woping de. Ar'ey sein're. Ze'nal e do Iriuldum, no tokei zempo. (Your weapons too, they'll need it. Seal me in Iriuldum, I don't have much time)"5
Immedietaly her comapanions did just that. Sealing her in Iriuldum took all of their power and they wouldn't be able to use their powers for a month if it went down to it. All eight of them were confused on what 'they' meant or were. Yet knowing Alexandria they concluded that she was preparing for the future if another war would strike.6
Years passed since the final battle and everyone had forgotten the powerful sword Iriuldum and Alexandria. Yet the remaining eight now elderly remember and tell the battle to the young so they wouldn't forget.7
Author notes
What's in the parenthsis --> () is the speech they are using.
A contest entry
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it's a prologue but...what do you think?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Interesting story ^^
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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i agree. very interesting.
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Oh wow, it has a very Eragon kind of feel to it, not sure if you have read it yet or not but yes, that's the particular vibe I am getting. Swords and Magic, an excellent combo, medieval stories never seem to go out of fashion. I wonder how you will manage to juggle between so many stories though.
Hmm, good to get introduced to your characters, look forward to the first chapter, this was interesting.
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I love fantasy!
Great imagery! Awesome -
It was good. I like how you describe the action, but I think it could go on a little longer. I also think it would be good just to have the spells in the language, not all dialogue. Just a thought. Also, here are some things I think could have been worded better:
Para 1: ...last of her strengths... I think strength would be better there.
Para 2: I think there should be a period after screamed and before he.
Para 3: How did she get so far away from Hoseim? Alexandria should have used the back stroke of the attack used to cut off his arm. This is fixed easily though, just have him kick her, or something like that.
Para 5: ...she said without breath coughing blood... I think you can get rid of without breath and it will still make perfect sense. Just streamlines it.
Para 6: You say she has eight friends there, but earlier you said nine. This my be an error on my part, but I just thought you should know.
All in all, very good and well writing. I like the language.
Good job, and keep writing!
Lithon
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Ooh ooh, look what I found! You're starting it, yay!
I would suggest a couple different things with the language. You could put the shouts at the start as foreign without translation, because you describe what happens after each of them speaks. For the rest, you could just switch to English (because putting parentheses after every single one is actually kind of difficult to read. Why are you making us read it twice, once in a language we don't know?), or you could leave it all foreign, and let the eight friends' actions explain what Alexandria was saying.
A little more detail would help flesh it out as well. Where are they standing while they fight? What do they look like, what are they wearing? That sort of thing. But all that aside, this is a very dramatic start, and I love it. TOTAL hook.
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aAh. *bows in apology* Thank you for the advice. It actually racked my head because it was mostly giberish and people wouuldnt understand but i now get it. Funny thing i was going to ask you if I was doing good as a graduate or if I needed to go back tp class. i wanted to keep the places and looks a secret because they are explained out more and then fleshed. Thank you for reading it!
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O.O uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!, ME LOVE THIS!!! XD
I love the language and how you describe the fight, even thought it was short, it show lots of will power 8D, me LOVE ITT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!♥
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Uber cool
Really i love it! Especially the different language. Also the way you started it, it brings up so many questions. Like how did this happen? it would be great if you wrote another. Please do.
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