The Bystander (edited)

The darkness gave way to the morning sun that illuminated the dirty platform. Teen girls loitered on the platform while waiting to go into the city to celebrate spring break.1

Alex stood on the platform, the cool breeze rippling his leather jacket; he waited for the train. He was heading back to the university after visiting his parents. Placing his full duffle bag on the ground, he spotted a teenaged girl coming down the stairs like an elderly woman.2

The girl was dressed in the latest clothes; her long black hair was in a French braid. Her brown eyes took in the swarm of teenagers that kept casting glances at her. 3

Alex noticed that she walked with stiffness and then watched her sit down on the bench. He recognized the girl from his neighborhood; her name was Cathy. His mother had told him that she was afflicted with some type of arthritis.4

The teenagers became loud and obnoxious, prompting Alex and the regular commuters to move farther down the platform. They desired the peace and quiet so they could concentrate their Blackberries and Smartphones. Alex looked at his watch and realized the train was running late.5

The girls swarmed around each other like bees as they stared and pointed conspicuously toward where Cathy sat on the bench.6

Lifting his head, Alex saw the crowd of girls surrounding Cathy. They laughed, smiled, and joked about the solitary girl that looked like a ghost. A boy approached the group just as Alex turned his head away.7

Cathy's scream cut through the background noise of the platform. The boy had pulled her from the bench, causing her arthritic joints severe pain. Alex stepped forward to help as a stranger grabbed his arm.8

The stranger, wearing a trench coat and in his fifties, smiled at Alex.9

"They're just playing," he said as he set the briefcase on the ground.10

"Are you sure?" Alex asked.11

"Yeah, they're merely killing time while waiting for the train." The stranger waved his hand dismissively.12

"There's something the matter with that girl."13

The stranger placed his hand on Alex's shoulder. "Look, son. If you get involved and nothing is wrong, they will cause you trouble. Take my advice and don't get involved because the train will be here soon."14

Alex's mind gave him a list of reasons why he shouldn't get involved with the situation. He noticed the boy had stopped pulling Cathy as she wobbled away from the bullies. Her deep brown eyes stared into his as he turned away and waited for the train.15

More teenaged laughter filled the platform. He tried to ignore it and hoped that Cathy had gone home. The train whistled as it approached the station. Alex saw Cathy near the edge of the platform. The boy attempted to grab her.16

The train's whistle blew as it made its final approach. Cathy slapped the boy.17

His face turning red in a fit of anger, he pushed her. She stumbled backwards and fell off of the platform and onto the tracks. The teenagers ran to the platform.18

Alex watched the horror unfold as the girl tried to move out of the way but was hampered by her acute arthritis. A scream erupted from her throat as the train rolled over her. He turned his head away.19

The stranger who had grabbed Alex's arm said, "What a shame. I'm going to be late for work."20

Alex balled his fist and struck the man's face. He dropped onto the stranger and repeatedly pounded his face. Alex yelled, "A young girl died for no reason and we did nothing to help her!"21

A woman shouted. "Stop it. You'll kill him."22

The commuters pulled Alex off the stranger. He struggled to break away from the arms that held him. They dragged Alex away from the man. He watched the scene as security guards raced toward Cathy.23

Alex sat on the ground and wept like a baby for Cathy. 24

"Why did I listen to the stranger?" Alex sobbed.25

He wished he had done things differently that morning.26

Author notes

what do you think?

I got this back from editor who I used to check my grammar.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • Len Shadow
    July 13
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    That story was brilliantly written! Kudos for giving it such a fantastic meaning.


  • whoudini
    July 13

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    I thought this was well written and your editor did a good job and glad you got it back from him. and the flow was nice and it keep my attention

    from beginning to end. It had a very sad ending but it made its point. We have to defend each other for others may think that they are entiled to being plain mean. But I read other comments and a lot are right in the situations they describe. So its a catch twenty two. but its how you feel at that time what you should do. We can never take back mostly anything especially a life. If nothing had really happend but a harassment you could out live that but you never know how a situation will end and a personal judgement and moral should be decided right away, for your split decision will eventually haunt you for the rest of you life, either right or wrong. This put a lot of questions into view and that you did with this story, thanks and keep writing, you make a person think.


  • grim667
    June 22
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    LOVE IT

    I think you did a great job with the set up of the charcters and such a sad ending.


  • tonialoise
    June 22

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    I know this feeling all too well, though thankfully nothing this bad has ever happened. I think you did a good job bringing up a subject that will make people think.

    Your editor did a good job, I didn't see any problems. Nice work.


  • colinlinder
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    It asks an interesting question. All too often we don't get involved when we should. This read well as well, kudos to your grammar editor. Nothing kills a story faster for me than bad grammar and sentence structure.


  • Rorshach gold member
    June 22

    Edit | Reply

    I think

    This has something to say.
    Should we get involved in things like this?
    It's a long debate. I have a simple philosophy. If it's a girlfriend/boyfriend arguing then don't bother. The girl will only call the Police on you, even if the boyfriend is punching her in the face at the time.
    With groups it is more difficult. I'd call the cops immediately and video them with my phone. If they approached me, well then i'd have to defend myself (and accidently break some bones).
    A good thoughtful piece. The only jarring bit was having the 'stranger' as the bad guy. Most so called 'strangers' are far nicer than the actual people you call friends who will hurt you at the drop of a hat if it in any way benefits their own lives.


  • pyschogirl
    June 22
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    Cool.

    Whoah. Awesome story. Moral of the Story: Trust Your Gut.

  • sandip45711
    June 21
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    It was very touching story. You have done a great job.


  • bookluva108
    June 21
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    It was well written. It was very sad, depressing almost. You still did a great job, though

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Its very well written, and so sad. Great job with the emotions

  • ravikochar
    June 20
    Edit | Reply
    I cud relate to this immediately.Just a fortnight ago, the door of a wrongly parked car opened.Coming that way was a young scooterist girl, who got into the door and was flung away.The owner obviously was more bothered about the damage to the door.I wish i was Alex then.....but the girl had to be moved to a hospital... Yet very well written..simple and straight.liked it .

    beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • Lawrie gold member
    June 19

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    Hi Lynn,

    I see someone has already mentioned the edits so I'll concentrate on the story.

    I quite enjoyed this even though it was a dark and sad subject. It brings to light the brutal reality of the world we now live in where very few care.

    The fact someone was more bothered about his train being delayed than the death of someone was powerfully written and drove home the point of people being insular and thinking only of themselves. The person who wanted to help found himself too weak to go against the stronger wishes of the person devoid of feeling.

    This is a wonderful story with an outstanding moral.

    Well done my friend, well done.

  • You certainly put a lot of emotion into this short piece .

    It’s very sad to think in a society that’s become so conscious of human frailty (I’m approached to buy tickets for some charity or other every month.) that such cruelty still exists.

    I'm am wondering what genre of magazine did you write this for. Brooke will be zapping this list soon, so I’m running short of time this week, but wanted to tell you how much your presentation is improving. You always displayed a terrific imagination, and created interesting scenes with colorful characters .

    ph34 did I nice job of editing, so you should be able to make this ‘Picture’ perfect before you send it out.

    Good luck, Geri


  • Lithron
    June 19
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    Very good! This is an excellent story! Personally, when I read a good story, I never see any mistakes. With this story, I saw none! I think that you displayed everything in the making of a great story, and there is little you can do better in my opinion.

    Again, thanks for the great story, and keep writing!
    Lithron

  • A good story, however there are quite a few grammatical errors, but I see that someone else has commented and added the appropriate corrections.

  • I'm speechless. I want to comment but I can't. One word: Amazing


  • May Kingston
    June 16

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    Woah... this was really sad. The plot was very good and the message was deep. There were a few mistakes in there, however. P2, L1: "Alex stood on the platform, the cool breeze rippling his leather jacket; he waited for the train." Here, it would sound better if you replaced the semicolon with "as." P2, L3: "teenaged" should be "teenage." P5, L1: "The teenagers became loud and obnoxious, prompting Alex and the regular commuters moved farther down the platform." Instead of saying "moved," it should say "to move." P14, L2: "'Take my advice and don't get involve because the train will be here soon.'" "Involve" should be replaced with "involved." Also, the sentence is a bit too long. Maybe instead of saying "...don't get involve because the train will be here soon," you could say, "...don't get involved. The train will be here soon." P15, L1: the same mistake is made here as in paragraph 14. "His mind gave him a list of reasons why not to be involve with the situation." Again, "involve" should be "involved." Also, instead of saying "...why not to be involve with the situation," it would sound better as "...to stay out of the situation." P16, L1: Again, "teenaged" should be "teenage." P18, L1: "His face turned red in a fit of anger, pushed her." Here, it is unclear whether you are saying that the result of his fit of anger was his face turning red or the action of pushing her. Perhaps you should reword this. P23, L1: "He struggled to break away the arms that held him." There should be a "from" in between "away" and "the." Otherwise, it implies that Alex intends on breaking their arms instead of breaking out of their grasp. P24: "He wished he could do things differently that morning" should be "He wished he could have done things differently that morning." Remember, past tense is not the same as past-participle tense. Overall, this was a very moving story. If you fix those mistakes, then it will be perfect. I give it 4/5. Good job!

    • May Kingston
      June 16
      Edit | Reply
      By the way, sorry my comment was so confusing. I guess the site automatically negated all my spacing because the comment was already so long. My sincerest apologies. ^^ -Claire

  • Wow.

    This story was short and quick like an emotional stab to the heart. I think every one's had those moments where they've witnessed an injustice and had chosen the same action, though I'm also sure no one's going to admit that. This quick, yet impacting story deserves all the praise it receives

  • Very WELL done.

    Wow, this was very nicely written. A little more colorful vocabulary and some more description could have helped but I think only a hardened author like myself would have cared. This story hit me in a spot that I'm not used to being hit in. This is a sad story but it could definitely happen in the real world. You captured the sadness and anger felt by Alex for not helping that girl quite nicely. I pictured the scene in my head and, although it wasn't a pretty scene, it was nicely done.

    Great work. I hope to see more. By the way, read my story Bloodline Masquerade, and let me know what you think!

    --Christina Arisa

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Marta gold member
    June 16
    Edit | Reply
    A good story. Well written and interesting.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Tricia3 gold member
    June 16
    Edit | Reply

    It's a very good story


    and teaches that doing nothing is sometimes worse than doing the wrong thing. Everyone must at least try to help others.
    Just a few little things I noticed.

    #4 Alex noticed she [walked] with stiffness....the should be left out
    #5 prompting Alex and the regular commuters [to move] farther
    so the could concentrate [on] their Blackberries
    #14 don't get [involved]


  • franklynx
    June 16

    Edit | Reply
    that was really good...... i never saw that coming.......i mean i never taught cathy was going to die............ thumbs up..........really goood job

  • graybeard silver member
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    Hey Dyslexic,
    This could be a true story. Seems there are very few people who are willing to get involved these days. Did notice a few things you might want to look at. Para4-line1 doesn't make sense. Alex noticed she walk with stiffness when she sat on the bench. Maybe; Alex noticed she walked with stiffness as she made her way to the bench. Para5-line2 causing Alex and the regular commuters(to) move. Para18-line1 his face turned (and) in a fit of anger, he pushed her. Para23-line1-2 He struggled to break away (from) the arms that held him. That's it. Nice job on this.

  • cool

    that was soo........ awesome. i loved it.


  • BigSouth
    June 15
    Edit | Reply
    daggum...
    this was positively awesome ^_^


  • simplymoi.
    June 15
    Edit | Reply
    that was so..
    i have no words for it,
    it was just amazing.


  • Meep
    June 15
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. That was... Just wow. I liked it! It's just I'm at a loss of words. Great write!

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