Jubilate, Benedictus and Canticle

Jubilate1

“Greetings, Sister Katherine.” 2

The sound of his familiar voice made her heart skip a beat as he walked towards her. She had listened to that melodious voice a thousand times as he incanted the liturgy, entranced by its richness and depth. She remembered the first time she heard his voice, her heart beat faster. It was as though one of God’s holy angels had descended into the chapel. She recalled glancing surreptitiously at the new cantor as he chanted the Mass. He was only a few years older than her, with dark hair and a fine, handsome face. From then on, she looked forward with eagerness to each chapel service, growing more and more fond of the voice that lifted her heart and soul heavenward. 3

Katherine knew she was just one face in the assembly and that their respective vows kept them separate; their paths rarely crossed, until now. She ducked her head in acknowledgement of his salutation, averting her eyes in customary respect. Her downcast eyes noticed his hands with their long, elegant fingers.4

She watched them many times as they strummed a guitar or held a flute during music recitals in the refectory. There was something graceful yet strong in his movements. Katherine’s usual seat at the back of the eating hall was perfect; she could close her eyes and listen to him singing, without being noticed. She enjoyed this silent, secret, anonymous adoration. She was well schooled at keeping her emotions off her face and deep inside her heart. But she did remember to include him in her Vespers every night: Lord, bless him also who sings like an angel.5

They had been in close proximity only once previously; a sudden deathbed vigil had called the Monsignor away, so the cantor took the Mass. As he moved along the line of sisters and novices offering the Host, her heart beat so hard and so fast she felt sure he would hear it. She could feel her cheeks colour as he drew nearer; she closed her eyes, desperately trying to keep her mind on the sacredness of the sacrament. As he intoned the blessing she opened her mouth to receive the wafer. She took a deep breath; the clean smell of soap and the sharp scent of the wine filled her nostrils. The cuff of his surplice brushed her cheek and her eyes slid open. He moved to the next supplicant and she watched as he performed the rite again. For the first time she saw his face close-up; his dark hair slightly longer than was usual, and beautiful eyes that were almost violet under long dark lashes. She sucked in a sharp breath; for one brief moment he looked directly at her holding her gaze and she thought she might faint. She dropped her eyes to the floor, blushing furiously, thankful for the veil that covered her face. 6

And now he stood in front of her, this angel of her dreams. She slowly raised her eyes, taking in his tall, graceful figure till her bashful gaze alighted on his face. A slight smile played at the corners of his mouth, adding to the handsomeness of his features. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks as she stood silently under his scrutiny, and she quite forgot how to breathe. He did not seem to be in a hurry to move on, instead he continued to tarry.7

“Is there something you wanted to say to me, Sister?” That voice again. 8

She nodded silently. Yes, she thought. I want to say … to say … I love you, dear angel. 9

But her voice would not utter these hidden-away thoughts. She looked deep into those violet eyes with their dark rings and she felt herself moving closer. She breathed in and smelled that same clean, soapy scent. Then she placed her small hand into his, stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. Not a peck, but a soft, lingering kiss that spoke more than words. She heard him catch his breath in surprise. 10

Then the realisation of her actions dawned on her. She pulled away with a start, a frightened expression on her face; she had kissed him and broken her vow. She turned to run like a startled rabbit but he still held her hand in his; it felt warm and safe. He drew her back towards him and she felt him gently caress her hand.11

“Dear Sister Katherine,” he said in his musical voice. “I have seen you watching me, and I thank you for your silent encouragement. Knowing that you were listening cheered my heart and gave my voice wings. Don’t be afraid.” He raised her chin with his free hand; butterflies danced in her stomach and her heart raced as he bent his head and kissed first one cheek, then the other. Her skin tingled where his lips had touched; a little sigh escaped her mouth.12

“There,” he said when they parted. “Returned … with interest. This is our little secret, I promise I won’t tell a soul.” She nodded with a shy smile. She withdrew her hand reluctantly from his.13

“Good day, Sister … Kate,” he said, a broad smile lighting his face. She liked the sound of her diminutive name as he said it. 14

Then she whispered, just loud enough for him to hear, “Good day …” Then she paused as she tasted his name in her mouth. “Brother Sebastian.” 15

 16

Benedictus17

“Good day … Brother Sebastian.” 18

Sister Katherine uttered her greeting with barely a whisper, then turned and went on her way as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Sebastian watched her retreating figure until she was out of sight, turning her head just once before disappearing through the gateway.19

He raised his hand to his face, rubbing his thumb lightly over the place where she had kissed him. A warmth radiated from his heart as his mind replayed that unexpected moment over and over. It was such a bittersweet feeling that he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He had, in part, engineered this chance encounter knowing the potential risk involved. He just wanted to speak to her, to thank her, to return an overdue courtesy. At least that’s what he told himself. She had taken an even greater risk. 20

He could not recall exactly when he first noticed Katherine but something about her drew his eye. He was accustomed to singing and chanting before a congregation, and had seen various reactions to both the words and the music. But this was different; it was as though she was tuned in to him. He was intrigued by her and looked for her at every chapel service. Her constant presence was reassuring and it seemed to change the way he sang. 21

Then there was that stolen glance on the occasion where he had taken the Mass. He stood before her kneeling figure; her face was like fine porcelain which seemed illuminated somehow. The veil she wore accentuated her beauty rather than hiding it. How his hands trembled as he administered the sacrament, his fingers poised a hair’s breadth away from her. It took all his self-discipline to move on but then he had looked back. Her eyes were warm and brown and they held him captive; he felt rooted to the floor. Then she looked away, and with great effort he continued the service. 22

He had prayed for the opportunity to speak with her, just once, but it seemed an impossibility. Sometimes the senior sisters spoke with him after chapel, and following the music recitals he often received words of kindness and encouragement, but Katherine always slipped away quietly. Once or twice he determined to detain her but each time she managed to evade him.23

Sebastian discovered Katherine’s daily walk quite by accident that very afternoon. As he talked with the Monsignor he observed her pass through the gateway at the opposite end of the courtyard; it led to the convent’s kitchen garden. When at last the Monsignor returned to his business, Sebastian walked calmly towards the open gate; he could make out her figure as she moved along the path that ran beside the orchard. Then she sat down on the bench under the old pear tree. She seemed to be in deep contemplation, so he waited for what seemed an eternity till she began her return before walking towards her. 24

He would have been happy just to speak to her. What had unfolded moments earlier had taken him totally by surprise. She had kissed him with a quiet boldness that touched him to his very soul. A melancholy sigh escaped his mouth at the memory. 25

“Brother Sebastian! Are you ill?” 26

Sebastian looked up with a start; the voice belonged to Brother Xavier. Sebastian collected his thoughts and walled them up in that secret part of his mind. He smiled at his companion,27

“I am fine, Brother Xavier.”28

“The preparation for the Summer Eisteddfod is not troubling you, is it?” the Brother asked. Every three years the Mayor held an Eisteddfod in the summer; there were entrants for all over the town. This year Brother Sebastian had been invited to compete as the new cantor, with the understanding that if he won, any prize money would go to his order. 29

“I am writing a new canticle for the competition, some of the phrasing needs more work.”30

“You are a true blessing with an amazing talent, my brother,” said Brother Xavier, clapping him companionably on the back.31

Sebastian’s first love had always been music. His father had given him a wooden recorder and a small guitar when he was four; he sang and composed and played to the delight of his family. He was particularly entranced by the liturgical singing of the monks, so much so that he decided to enter the order.32

His sisters had teased him mercilessly about going into the church; all except Clare, his eldest sister who was five years his senior. She had been like a mother to him and had surprising wisdom.33

She told him “Don’t listen to those silly girls, Seb. You have a gift, an undeniable gift. It is a blessing from God and it is fitting that you should honour Him in this way. Learn all you can from the monks; train your gift and be a blessing to others.”34

Sebastian thought about his encounter with Sister Katherine, he thought about his own beloved sister Clare and the coming Summer Eisteddfod. He turned to Brother Xavier as they walked along the cloisters and said,35

“On the contrary, brother, I think it is I who am truly blessed. Truly blessed.”36

 37

Canticle 38

“Sister Katherine, could you come here a moment?”39

It was the Mother Superior, Mother Mary Margaret. 40

“Yes, Mother. I am here,” she replied. Katherine was walking back to her dormitory to prepare herself for the Summer Eisteddfod that evening. All the sisters from the convent would be attending. She was looking forward to hearing the new canticle Brother Sebastian had composed. She prayed every evening that he would sing well before the mixed audience. She had been nervously thinking about the evening since Matins that morning.41

“I am glad I could catch you. I was hoping you might help me once again with the accounts. You have such a good head for figures.” Mother Mary Margaret said. She was a kind, if strict Mother Superior and Sister Katherine admired her greatly. Ever since she had shown an aptitude for calculations Mother Mary Margaret had asked Katherine to help her keep the convent accounts in order. She found sorting the figures and correcting mathematical errors immensely satisfying, and she normally looked forward to this task. 42

Sister Katherine heard the cloister bells chime five o’clock. She had two hours clear before the Eisteddfod began, she was sure she could manage the accounts in that time. She felt she could not refuse Mother Mary Margaret’s request, so she nodded her head in assent.43

“I will come with you, Mother,” she responded. Mother Mary Margaret smiled at her kindly and said, as Katherine accompanied her back to her office room,44

“Thank you, Sister Katherine. I know you want to attend the Eisteddfod with your sisters, so I will not detain you long.”45

When Sister Katherine entered the Mother Mary Margaret’s office, her heart sank. Three fat ledger books sat on the large wooden desk surrounded by a flurry of loose papers. She let out a deep, silent sigh, then sat down in her customary seat and began working through the numbers. 46

She worked steadily and thoroughly, becoming totally absorbed in her task. So absorbed, that she was surprised to hear the clock in the office chime seven times. She looked up from her work; she still had five pages of accounts to complete. It would not take her long to finish up, but she knew she would miss the start of the Eisteddfod. She looked across at Mother Mary Margaret who was writing at her desk. She cleared her voice and said,47

“Begging your pardon, Mother,” she said quietly. Mother Superior looked at her. “It is seven o’clock, Mother.”48

“Why, so it is, Sister Katherine. I did not think it would take so long, are you almost finished?”49

“Yes, Mother. I am on the last few pages now.” She said this lightly, not wanting to sound disappointed. “I will be finished shortly.”50

“Thank you for staying on.” Mother Mary Margaret said. “You will miss the start of the Eisteddfod. You might be able to make the second half of the concert if you finish soon enough. Brother Sebastian will be singing his new canticle after the interval. Do you not think he sings splendidly, Sister Katherine?”51

Katherine hoped her emotions would not betray her as she rallied her thoughts and said,52

“Yes indeed, Mother. I do think that he sings splendidly, I hope he does well tonight.”53

Then she bent her head to complete the work. The last pages of accounts took longer than she anticipated and it was eight o’clock before she finished the ledger. She closed the account books and put down her pen. 54

“Mother, I have finished all the accounts. Might I take my leave now?” she asked, keenly aware of the time.55

“Of course, Sister Katherine,” Mother Mary Margaret replied. “I am sorry to have detained you until this late hour; I know how much you were looking forward to attending the Eisteddfod.”56

“There is nothing that could be done,” Katherine said, her voice tinged with sadness. “The accounts were in a bad way and now they are right. I am sure my sisters will tell me about it.” 57

Katherine stood and bowed her head respectfully to Mother Mary Margaret and left her office. She made her way as quickly and quietly as she could through solemn halls of the convent. Once outside in the courtyard a disheartened cry burst from inside her. She had so much wanted to hear Sebastian sing. 58

Perhaps there is still time, said a hopeful thought inside her head. Perhaps he will not sing until the end.59

She composed herself, and then walked towards the gates of the convent. It would take her over half an hour on foot to reach the town hall where the Eisteddfod was being held. Katherine walked as sedately as she could down the hilly road towards the main street of the town, slowing as she neared small groups of people clustered here and there. As soon as she was sure there were no people in sight she picked up the hem of her long habit and ran towards the town hall. 60

Katherine walked up the brightly lit steps to the entrance way which was festooned with bunting and fresh flowers. As she neared the auditorium she heard a thunderous applause, loud cheering and even some stomping on the old wooden floors. Then a sea of people surged towards her, and around her exiting the building. Panting for breath after her uncharacteristic sprint, she waited in a corner of the vestibule until most of the crowds had departed the auditorium. Groups of people huddled together chatting excitedly about the performers and their favourite pieces.61

The Eisteddfod was over. She was too late, she had missed Sebastian singing. She stepped gingerly into the now empty hall. The house lights were up and the stage curtain was still open. She walked slowly up the side steps and onto the stage which was strewn with confetti and flowers. Tears stung her eyes and her still-gasping lungs sucked in shaky breaths of air. At last tears spilled down her cheeks and she could not hold back a heartbroken sob. She turned away from the front of the stage and wept aloud, not much caring who heard her. 62

“Sister Katherine!” She heard Sebastian’s voice behind her. “You are here,” he said. “I looked for you in the audience but I could not see you. I am so glad you came.” More tears rolled down her cheeks. She turned her face so that Sebastian would not see. 63

“I … I am afraid I missed your performance. I was… detained … I am so sorry…” she replied, in as strong a voice as she could muster but she could not hide her disappointment. 64

Sebastian moved towards her and gently and placed his hand gently on her shoulder. She looked around to see his sympathetic face creased with concern. He clasped both her hands in his, then he pulled her close until her head rested against his chest and enveloped her in his arms; she closed her eyes, listening to his steady heart beat. 65

Then in a soft, yet clear voice he began to sing the canticle he had performed moments before. The rhythm of his heart was in perfect timing with his melody. Each note he sang struck a chord in her heart, she felt her spirit rise and soar with each crescendo and each bass note resonated within her. Even when he finished singing, she replayed the song in her mind over and over. 66

“Katherine … dear Kate,” he said in a voice that was tender and warm. “Do you not know it is for you that I sing? I can perform for any audience, chant for any congregation, but only for you do I really sing. I wrote my new canticle for you. Canticle for St Catherine. When I could not see you tonight, I thought of you. You are all the inspiration I need.”67

Katherine looked up into his face, into those violet-coloured eyes, touched by his music and astounded at his words. He had moved closer and bent his head until his lips almost touched hers. 68

“Brother Sebastian!” 69

They both jumped apart at the sound of the voice; the disappointment she felt was mirrored in Sebastian’s eyes. He quickly and softly kissed her hand before she ducked behind the curtain.70

“Brother Sebastian!” called the voice again. “Sebastian! Oh, there you are.” The voice belonged to Brother Xavier.71

Sebastian glanced quickly to where Katherine was hidden; she made her way out of the auditorium without Xavier noticing.72

“I am here Xavier. Were you looking for me?” he responded.73

“Yes, brother,” Brother Xavier said. “The Mayor wants to know if you will be joining the rest of the Eisteddfod entrants in the ballroom for supper; he said he would be very pleased if you would begin supper by singing a Grace.” 74

"Yes, I would be glad to attend." he replied. "I will be with you in a moment."75

Katherine ran quickly out of the town hall; there were few people in the street, most were attending the various functions in the town for the Eisteddfod. Even the sisters had all been given leave to attend these with family and friends. No one would miss her for a while.76

She made her way back to the convent garden and sat on the bench beneath the old pear tree. She thought about all the events of that night, of Sebastian’s words and that beautiful canticle. She wrestled with the confusion in her mind; she loved God and wanted to serve him, but she loved Sebastian too. What was she to do? The only way to be close to him was to stay in holy orders; but her vows, their vows, meant that there would always be a barrier between them. 77

She was not sure how long she sat there, listening to the crickets chirrup and looking out at the summer sky. A footstep made her jump to her feet; she drew closer to the great trunk of the pear tree as if it were her protector. 78

“Kate …” came a whispery voice. Sebastian stepped forward so that the moonlight touched his face enhancing its angel-like handsomeness. She returned to the bench of her contemplation.79

“Sebastian. I thought you were at the Mayor’s supper,” she said in a relived tone. Sebastian sat down beside her on the bench. 80

“I was there; the supper finished an hour ago,” he replied. “I came to look for you, Mother Superior was wondering where you were, she said she hadn’t seen you all evening. She explained why you were late for the Eisteddfod.”81

Katherine looked at the ground. Sebastian moveded closer and her heart beat quickened.82

“You are not still disappointed, are you?” he asked softly. Katherine shook her head; she had been disappointed at missing Sebastian’s Eisteddfod performance, but no longer. His presence with her now was all she wanted. Sebastian took both her hands in his. 83

“Kate, my lovely Katherine,” he said, rich timbre of the voice she adored so much resonated through her own body. She could listen to him say her name over and over again. “I love you, Katherine.”84

“But what we are doing, it is forbidden,” she said. “I don’t know what to do, because… because I love you also, Sebastian.” 85

“At supper the Mayor announced the winners of the Eisteddfod.” Sebastian told her, Katherine looked up with interest. “I have won first prize for the individual performers.”86

A pleased smile graced her face and she squeezed his hands warmly. 87

“Oh, that is wonderful news! I prayed that you would do well,” she said, enthusiastically.88

“I talked with Father Francis tonight,” Sebastian added quickly89

“He must be pleased for you too.”90

“I spoke to him about leaving.”91

“Leaving?” Katherine felt as though her heart had stopped, she had not thought that he might leave because of her. “But, where will you go?” 92

“My dear Kate, do not be so alarmed,” he said reassuringly. “I spoke with the Monsignor about leaving holy orders. I had originally planned to donate the whole of my prize money to the work of our orders. But tonight I have been thinking of a different ministry.”93

“What kind of ministry?” Katherine asked, looking at him with great interest. 94

“I am thinking of setting up a music school in the town,” he explained. “I want to teach the children of the town to sing and play music. I talked to Father Francis about giving part of money to the order as a tithe, and using the rest of the money to set up the school.”95

“That sounds like a wonderful idea,” Katherine responded hesitantly, still a little confused.96

“To carry out this plan I must leave holy orders, or else I cannot accept the money on my own behalf.”97

“Oh…” said Katherine. She could understand his plan for the music school, it was truly a great thing to do, but she all she could think was that she would no longer hear his voice in the chapel, no longer see him in the cloisters. 98

“Don’t you see, dear Kate?” he asked, looking directly into her eyes. “If I am no longer in holy orders, then I am not bound by my vows. And neither would you be.”99

“I could not set up the music school on my own. I want you to come with me, Kate.” 100

“Come with you?” she asked, still taking in his words.101

“Yes, Kate. Come with me, leave the convent. Mother Margaret Anne told me how good you are at keeping the accounts. Katherine, beloved Katherine,” he said urgently. “Marry me, be my music and my song forever.”102

Katherine carefully removed one of her hands from his grasp, and with a slow, deliberate movement pushed the band of her veil until it slid down her hair. She placed it carefully on the seat beside her and shook out the short blonde waves of her hair. She looked up at the face she loved so much and said simply,103

“Yes.”104

Sebastian touched the unveiled locks of silky hair then slowly, tenderly he kissed her. As she responded to the soft sweetness of his mouth, her heart sang a song all of its very own. 105