Little Red My Way 1
2
Once upon a time there was a little boy standing 3'4 with light brown hair, he was sent on an errand for his mother who was feeling ill. He was to pick up some sweets and breads at the bakery in town. He went merrily through the streets to pick up his order which took longer than he had wanted. He followed the path towards his house in the early evening hours when the beasts come out to feed. Without knowledge to the boy he was being stalked by a woman dressed all in black that thinks she would love to have him for lunch. So the mysterious woman waved her hand and teleported herself farther down the path, and turned herself into a large grey wolf.
The boy continued nervously down the darkened path and something caught his eye "OH! NO! A WOLF!" He exclames as he froze in his tracks. 3
"Why hello little boy, what are you doing here at this hour? Don't you know its dangerous sweetie?" Asked the wolf. 4
"Why hello miss wolf, I'm taking this basket of goodies to my mother because she is not feeling well." He said nervously 5
"Well little boy I know a short cut Follow this path until it forks, then take the left fork, my dear," said the wolf slyly, as she stepped aside letting the boy past. 6
"OK thank you miss wolf" said the boy as he started to walk down the path until he came to the fork, taking the Wolf's advice. 7
The she wolf ran ahead and came to the boy's house in no time. Turning back into a human, she snuck inside and found the ailign mother. Turning back into a wolf she crept up and devoured the woman while she slept. Moments later the boy arrived at the house. 8
"Mom are you awake?" yelled the boy. Panicking the wolf grabbed a dress and put it on, and lay in bed, covering herself up. 9
"Yes dear, I'm in bed sweetie." said the wolf sweetly as the boy entered the room.
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"Mom where do you want me to put your treats?" He asked
"Just over there on the chair sweetie" said the wolf
He did as he was told. "Mom whats wrong with your voice?" He asked concerned
"Why my dear its just my cold, I'm felling a little hoarse." Said the wolf worried that the boy will run.
He walks over to the bed and looks at her "mom what big eyes you have." He exclaims.
"All the better to see you with my dear," she said sweetly
"And mom what big ears you have," he asks curiously.
"Why all the better to here you with my dear," she says with devious intent
"And mother what big teeth you have" he said worried.
"All the better to eat you with," she says as she leaps up out of bed and pins the boy to the ground. The boys father hearers the commotion and runs into the room to see the huge wolf drooling on his son.
"Mom where do you want me to put your treats?" He asked 11
"Just over there on the chair sweetie," said the wolf 12
He did as he was told "mom what is wrong with your voice?" He asked concerned 13
"Why my dear its is my cold, I'm feeling a little hoarse." Said the wolf worried that the boy will run. 14
He walks over to the bed and looks at her "mom what big eyes you have." he exclaims. 15
"All the better to see you with my dear," she said sweetly 16
"And mom what big ears you have," he asks curiously. 17
"Why all the better to hear you with my dear," she says with devious intent 18
"And mother what big teeth you have," he said worried. 19
"All the better to eat you with," she says as she leaps up out of bed and pins the boy to the ground. The boy's father hearers the commotion and runs into the room to see the huge wolf drooling on his son.
"Let go of my son you beast!" the man yelled. 20
She responded with a growl and baring of her teeth. "Do you feel big man?" Asked the wolf in a taunting manner. She stepped off the boy letting him go as he scrambled to his feet and ran behind his father. 21
"Run and hide boy," Said the man while staring down the wolf. 22
She continued to growl at the man and circle around him backing him into a corner when she jumped up on him pinning him against the wall. 23
"Do you still feel big?" she asked again taunting him. 24
HE reared back and punched him in the nose, she yelped in pain as she fell back. She jumped up and grabbed him by the head wrestling him to the ground and started to swallow him whole and alive. With the man kicking and screaming in her belly she remembered thy boy. 25
"But where did he go to?" she asked herself as she started to sniff the air to pick up on his scent. She Lombard out into the hall way with her massive belly still struggling. "He's in here" she taught to herself as she approached the door the boy cracked it to see what's going on, and when he did the wolf ran into the room knocking the boy across the room. He quickly scrambled under his bed away from the wolf. The wolf lumbered over to the bed and stuck her head under the bed, eyeing the boy who was crying his little eyes out. 26
Seeing the crying boy it broke her heart "come here sweetie I won't hurt you, I want to be your friend" she said sweetly.
"Really you won't?" He asked believing her. 27
"No I won't sweetie," she said as she pulled her head out from underneath the bed, and walked over to the middle of the room. The boy crawled out from under the bed, and walked over to the wolf. He plopped down beside her, and started to scratch her ears, her tail wagged in response. 28
"What am I going to do mow my parents are gone?" The boy asked sadly. 29
This was really breaking her heart now "well I could be your new mom sweetie," she said sweetly 30
"Really ,but how you're a wolf?" He asked curiously 31
"Well I'm not really a wolf sweetie," she said as she started to glow and turn back into the beautiful witch. 32
He hugs her tightly "OK mommy I love you," he said sweetly.
THE END?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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What is the boy's name?
It would help if you would use his name occasionally in place of some of the 'He' you start your sentences with.
light brown hair. He was sent
two sentences.
Without the boy's knowledge, he was being stalked
He [exclaims]
she is not feeling well," he said nervously.
I know a short cut. Follow this path
found the [ailing] mother
You still need to stick in a few commas here and there.
better to [hear] you with, my dear
period after intent.
You still need commas before the last set of quotes.
The boy's father [hears] the
Several of your sentences need periods at the end.
punched [her] in the nose
remembered [the] boy.
She [lumbered] out into
going to do [now] my parents
I see you have made many corrections, but there are still several to be made. It is beginning to read much better. Just keep working on it and keep rereading it until you have everything corrected. Just keep writing and you will do fine.
Tris -
This is an interesting take on an old children's story and I quite like the concept.
I started to jot down some notes for editing purposes but then noticed others had already done so. It may help if the editing is done as quickly as possible otherwise reviewers may think you are not concerned about it.
I'm sure the story will look, and read, a lot better once the editing has been done.
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The idea behind the story and your plot is fine
. These timeless fantasy characters, however overused, fit into your tale and the switch from wolf to witch is an interesting touch.
You have the talent to create visible scenes and people them with characters performing logical activities. So you should work at writing.
As others have already pointed out you require extensive editing. This is just one part here that I chose to point out the numerous corrections needed. The boy counted (continued) nervously down the darkening (darkened) path and (when) something cough his eye(.) "OH no a wolf" (OH! NO! A wolf!” )he said as we (he) froze in his tracks. 3
So you will need to work on a new draft before you can offer it to any source.
The other important issue to consider before you re-write, what do you plan to do with this? How will you market it? In today’s society it is too violent for a children’s story and unless you plan to expand it—kind of short and tame for an action/horror magazine.
Best of luck in the contest.
Geri
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Thanks
Thank you ever so much fo reading and I will edit it again soon per requests.
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It is much better than last time,
but you still have many corrections to make. It just takes several re-reading and correcting typos. It's a very nice story and I would definitely take the time to correct it. Let me know when you finish and I will go over it again. Pay close attention to my notes on commas and sentence structure.
Good job and don't ever give up. Keep correcting until it is perfect.
#2 feeling ill. He was to pick
bakery in town. Leave out So---He went merrily through the streets. I wouldn't start your sentences with So
wave her hand and teleported herself
#3 The boy [counted]---should this be continued? down the
and something [cough] his eye.
should be caught
#4 doing here at this hour? Don't you know
#5 because she is not [filling] well---should be feeling
#6 "Well little boy, I know a short cut. Follow this path until it forks, then take the left fork, my dear,"
wolf slyly, as she [steeped] aside
should be stepped
#7 back into a human, she snuck inside and found the [align] mother. Do you mean ailing?
There are several places you need to add commas
#9 and lay in the bed,
#10 "Yes dear, I'm in bed
"Just over [their] should be there
He did what he was told. "Mom, what's wrong
I'm feeling a little hoarse
"All the better to see you with my dear," she said sweetly.
always put a comma before last quotes to break sentence
Next sentence needs a question mark
The boy's father hears the
dear, it's my cold
going to do, now my
Best of luck
Trish
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This story has some potential. I agree with Tricia below, there are a lot of spelling mistakes that can be easily corrected with spell check.
I must say that you do a good job describing the action surrounding a dialogue tag. For example:
"But where did he go to?" she asked herself as she started to sniff the air to pick up on his sent. She lomberd out into the hall way with her masive belly still strugling.
--this was nice description. I could completely picture the wolf's distended belly as she lumbered across the room.
As I mentioned, this story has potential, and it's a nice twist on Little Red Riding Hood, however it's hard for me to give a more thorough review, until the spelling errors are cleaned up a bit. When you do, message me and I would be happy to take a deeper look.
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Thanks for reading and commenting.
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It's an interesting story
and a nice retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. I would suggest you run it through a spell checker. You have so many misspelled words that it is hard to follow. It has great possiblilies and after you correct most of the spelling errors, I would be glad to critigue it for you.
Trish
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well thanks I still need to work on it. I got some one thats souspto help me fix it.
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