Jonathon sat in his favorite chair, feet up and television blaring. "Honey, bring me a beer," he called to his wife.1
"Next time, get it yourself," she chided as she handed him the can. Of course, she knew nothing would pull him away from the football game. Once the game started, the roof could fall in around him and he wouldn't notice. He couldn't even look up to take his beer. She had to put it in his hand. "I'm going to see my sister. You're going to have to make that beer last, or get your own," Susan said as she walked out the door.2
Jonathon had just gotten back into the game when he heard a knock on the door. "Susan," he yelled. "Answer the door!" The knock sounded again. 3
"Suuu..son." he yelled. Whoever was at the door was not going to give up. The commercial came on, and he remembered she said she was going to see her sister. The knock sounded again, and he reluctantly got up and stormed to the door.4
"This better be important," he complained as he opened the door.5
"You've really done it this time!" said the stranger as he pushed his way into the house. 6
"What do you think you're doing?", asked Jonathon as he tried to block the intruder from coming any further into the room. "Get out of my house!"7
"You won't get off that easy," screamed the man as he pulled a gun from his pocket and pointed it at Jonathon's head. "I know what you've been doing and I'm here to stop you." The man released the safety.8
Jonathon was stunned. He didn't know the man and had no idea what he was talking about.9
The game came back on and Jonathon looked wishfully over his shoulder. It was his favorite team.10
"Who's playing?" asked the stranger, slightly dropping his gun hand and looking toward the television.11
"It's the Cowboys and the Saints," he said wistfully as he eyed the gun and then the TV. 12
"Is it close?" the man asked.13
"Tied," Jonathon muttered.14
The man was slowly drawn toward the couch, his eyes glued to the screen and his gun hand hanging at his side. Jonathon watched him nervously as he got closer to the couch. 15
"Look, he's running. It's clear all the way," the man yelled. Both men were captivated by the images on the screen, as suddenly the man shouted and raised his arms and yelled, "Touchdown!" and the gun went off leaving a big hole in the ceiling. 16
Both men dropped to the couch and the gun fell to the floor as they hollered and rooted for their team. When the excitement died down a little, the man asked, "you got another beer?"17
"In the fridge," he said. "Bring two."18
The man came back with two beers and sat back down next to Jonathon. They couldn't take their eyes off the screen. Finally, the next commercial came on and Jonathon turned to the stranger. "Now, what is all this about? You shot a hole in my ceiling!"19
The man looked puzzled for a moment, then noticed his gun lying on the floor. As he leaned over to retrieve it, Jonathon quickly kicked it out of reach and dropped on it before the man could make his move. He retrieved the gun and turned to the stranger. "Now, why are you here?" 20
A mean look came over the man's face as he said, "You know what you did, George. I'm here to make you pay for it."21
"I'm not George. My name is Jonathon. Are you sure you have the right house?"22
"Of course, 913 North Lincoln Drive."23
"But this is 913 South Lincoln Drive."24
"Oops, my bad," he said and the game came back on.
A contest entry
- Show Me Your Talent! by May Kingston.
175 points, ended June 23, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Great Endings(...or just a great story)! by Elms Apprehended.
180 points, ended June 22, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 54 of 54
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Umm.. this joke has been done before, and better as well. It's about a rich person calling the wrong number, talking to the newly hired maid of the house, finding out his wife is cheating (or so it seemed), telling the maid to shoot them both for a $100,000 each, and after she's done telling them to toss them in the pool; then she tells him there is no pool, and he asks this is such and such address right? That's the simplized version, but you get the idea. This wasn't unreadable, but considering it's a knock off of a joke, it wasn't very good..
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Funny!
That was really funny, it's a very rare moment when I'll laugh out loud at a story. But I really enjoyed it. And it made me laugh. So I'll give you a clappy guy.
Jonathon reminds me of me, when I'm on Storywrite.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Great fun
I can actually imagine this happening. How many times have I seen squaddies fight in bars around the world; only to end up the best of freinds, drinking again. this must be proof that men and beer equals no sense here!
A great read, thanks for sharing it.
Dave
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Lol. Very, very nice. Typical man, eh? I enjoy your style and flow, Tricia. I can tell that you are an experienced writer.
I don't believe I saw any smell in there, though. Brooke likes to catch me on that a lot, so I figure I can do the same. Other than that, flawless. Great work.
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LOL! That was so funny...I actually thought he was going to die. Good way to twist our minds. You blew me away with your totally unexpected plot. I mean, like WOW! That was like amazing. So funny how the guy was gonna shoot him but the game came back on. LOL. But to the serious stuff, your beginning was a little shaky, but your middle and end were fantastic. LOL. I've got a permanent smile on my face now. Thank you!
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LOL!!!
ZOMG!!!!! that was really funny. at first, i wasn't sure where the events of the story were leading to, and the ending was such a surprise, it gave me quite a laugh.
I really thought it was just hilarious how you had a guy with a gun start watching a football game and completely forget all about why he was there for a minute. That was when i really started laughing, rather than just giggling. Very good!
beginning: 5, language: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you so much for your great comments.
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You are a versatile writer indeed. This piece was humorous and clever. I found myself laughing at the end. As always brilliant write.
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I loved this. It was funny as hell at the end of it. I like the whole "whoops, wrong house" bit.
I like the odd, surreal quality of it. I also liked how it went from being a thriller of sorts to being humorous. The whole time I was like "What does this guy want?"
It's funny to think that this football game actually saved his life. And there is the obvious poke at men and sports haha. I can't say much, if a skateboarding comp is on I have to watch it, oblivious to everything else haha.
I enjoyed this, and it was a story of a different sort.
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Thank you so much
I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
Trish
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I am sure that I have read this beofre but, it was worth a second read. Great Job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Finickiness:
Replace "wishfully" in paragraph 10 with "longingly." I think it fits better. Then "wistful" was spelled wrong in paragraph 12.
In paragraph 16, replace the comma after "way" with an exclamation point; it correlates more with the fact that the man is yelling.
This was a really funny story, and the end was such a cute twist lol a very enjoyable read; kudos!beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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This is a really clever and amusing write! I really like how it was the football game that saved that man's life.
I'd give concrit, but I can't even really find anything wrong. Your grammar and spelling all seem fine with me, and your storytelling is great.
Well done -
Cute, short tale of men and their sports The humor was good and tasteful, adding a light touch to an otherwise normal sticky situation. Its a good thing Jonathon corrected the guy before something terrible happened
It was an enjoyable read, Trish!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Really, really good!
I absolutely loved it. The part when the guy that looked like he was out to kill him started watching the game with him, funny as heck! You're a very, very good writer... and the ending is just hilarious.
*Snicker* I always knew Jonathon was innocent... just a hunch... but you do keep the mystery going. I agree, this was a very random story... but I like random stories... they're my favorite kind
Great job on this. -
GREAT
I like the humor but I think you should maker it funny all the way, especially in the conversations parts. Make it funny and it will be amazing. -
brilliant!
That ending sounds so much like something that would happen to me. It seems a little rushed when Susan just walks out the door. Maybe have her tell him a while ago, but just then as she gets him the beer, have her ask him where his keys are, and he tells her and aks why, and she reminds him that she's going to her sister's. It seems like it would flow a little more. Other than that, it's perfect! love the ending.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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This is such a random, unlikely story!
But its still good.
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This was incredibly cute. At first I was like "....", because you never know when someone is being outlandish on purpose, or whether they are just.. not good at writing. I like the way it seems incredibly mundane, but fanciful things happen. I also love the dead-pan attitude you use to present the characters. It's not flowery or sympathetic, just a little wink at the reader.
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Thanks for reading
and enjoying my silly little story. Most of my stuff is a bit wierd.
Trish
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Very amusing.
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haha I love that! Somehow I didn't expect that at all either! That's one thing I love in stories, when I think I know what's going on, but really don't. Keep writing stories like this, I can't wait to see the next
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Thanks
Even my son admitted it could happen.
Trish
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Thanks
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Trish
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lol! Oh! men and their football games. This is totally what would happen too! Ah well, Johnathon got some company, and the guy with the gun got to watch some football. I'm sure in a way, they were both pleased. I wonder what the guy with the gun was trying to stop the guy on 913 North Lincoln Drive from doing? Ho Hum, the world may never know. Awesome story, very funny. ^_^
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Great job!!!
aWESOME!! It's really really humorous...
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LOL!!! Tricia, this was great!!!
You kept the mystery very well, at the beginning I was thinking poor guy, what did he do? I thought it was one of your mystery stories...You got me by surprise! I love twisted endings!!
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Oh my gosh! You have just written the first story I have ever read on this site that made me smile and teeter with laughter. Very humorous but the story was good with or without the humour. It was fantastic and you deserve lots of praise!
-Qwapple -
Very funny, that one had me laughing
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lol funny
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That was hilarious. XD
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Wow, this was a very good story. I hope the Cowboys win the game!!! Lol, you did very well on this. I liked how you made the story interesting and all, and had a funny ending to it. Good job.
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LOVED IT!
What a cool story.
You've pegged my husband... although it wouldn't be a game but a race.
made me smile.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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hahahaha...that was hilarious
good job!!
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This was nicely written and I would have done the same in either situtation and not all men will say that
but I would not have missed any part of the game and thank was very funny and a good plot and humor mixed in. You did this very well and glad he didnt shoot the TV , that would have been a real bummer.
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LOL! This was great. You write humour well--something I envy.
I noticed a couple little things, but someone covered them below, so I will just say that I really enjoyed this story!
It was funny because as I was reading the part where the man first breaks in and held a gun to Jonathon's head...I wondered why you chose to use happy face/suns for your background....lol. As I read on, I realized it was a comical piece--and then the happy faces fit just right!
Well written!
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Thank you for the applause and comments
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I try to work a twist into all my work.
Trish
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This is too funny!
Except when the guy first pointed the gun at Jonathon's head, I was laughing the whole time. Especially when he raised his arms for the touchdown and shot a hole in the ceiling.
And then to find out he's at the wrong house.
Great job. You've started my day off with a good laugh.
Greg
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And the winner is.
Very good scene Trish, lots of action with limited interruptions. It was logical but not serious, funny without being silly, and just a little bit scary when one realizes something like this could happen.
Even the police have been known to invade the wrong house
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Nice clear writing, a good plot with visible characters and activities
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Just a couple things to look at:
"It's the Cowboys and the Saints," he said whistfully (wistfully) as he eyed the gun and then the TV. 12
"Oops, my bad," he said and (as) the game came back on. (hmmm...I always thought that was said 'Me Bad'
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Great job! Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hahaha!! =)
Nice =) Funny how people who don't get facts right tend to make things more comical I'm so glad they both are fans and avid game-watchers - or else, Jonathon might have died, all because of muddled up facts
Thanks so much for sharing this
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Well, that's definitely true: 'nothing would pull him away from the football game'. I really enjoyed this. I thought it was rather humorous. I saw a few things that need correcting, but they could easily be found by going through spellcheck. Well done on this piece!!! Good luck in the contest.
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Hahahaha that seems almost exactly like a guy. This was an awesome little tale. It was told wonderfully and made me laugh. So great Job. I loved the ending. xD
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hahaha, really funny.
Thanks for entering the contest! -
Haha, this was really funny! The story had a nice flow and the events unfolded very nicely. The way both men are so captivated by the game is quite amusing as well. I loved the little twist at the ending-- that gave me a good laugh. Overall, a very good read. Thanks for entering!
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I LOVE IT!
This is great
I haven't had time to do much lately, but this had my chuckle muscles working overtime
Well done Trish! Beautiful and hilarious
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Another good tale, Tricia ... most enjoyable and thanks for the chuckle!!
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Very well done. I thought the bit about the two of them sitting in front of the TV and the line that ended with "bring two" was great - it gave me a good chuckle.
Happy trails.
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Ha ha! So typical of the sports-mad hubby. It's a wonder anything gets done in this world with so many men at the helm, isn't it?! I loved the bit when the guy shot a hole in the ceiling ~ great comic touch!!
All in all this is very good, although I did find a few bits that needed a small 'tweak' perhaps, if you don't mind me pointing them out:
Para 8: "I know what you've been doing and I'm here to stop you." [and] The man released the safety. (A shorter, staccato style of sentence heightens the tension).
Para 10: The game came back on and Jonathon looked wishfully (whistfully) over his shoulder. It was his favorite team.
Para 19: The man came back with two beers and sat back down next to Jonathon. [They were both glued to the screen] (Repeated sentence). Finally, the next commercial came on and Jonathon turned to the stranger. "Now, what is all this about(?) You shot a hole in my ceiling(!)" The added punctuation lends a little more credence to Jonathon's shock and indignation at this intruder's behaviour.
Heh heh...still giggling at the image of the gun going off into the ceiling!!
Well penned, and thank you for the laugh this morning, Sweet Pea!
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Thanks
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I do like your suggestions and I will make the changes.
Thanks
Trish
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not that much of a stretch.good story
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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I like it. You would have to be a footy fan to get so tied up in a match, but I guess it could happen. I had to have a chuckle though, me not being that keen on watching any sport on the TV.
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Thanks Bob
I hate football. I have never watched a game in my life, but I have a son who is that into football. He won't let anything interrupt his game.
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P9 forgot the " before I know
I don't know if I was suppose to laugh, but I did
Good story and good luck in the contest.
Brooke
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How many times doesn't this happen. I met a woman once who thought i was the sister of her neighbor,she insisted i was and i have never even been to Utah,much less been born there. Weird and creepy is what that is. Good story Trish.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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