Needed

"I don't even know what to say. You want me to tell you about that night. Do you want to know why? I don't think I can explain why. I think it's just beyond explanation. I guess it was my most selfish moment. But why? Maybe I had spent too much time in that tiny apartment. Maybe it was the strep throat or the lousy day at work. Who knows? It wasn't an uncommon thought for me to have. I'm horribly selfish and I am always thinking of myself. Lord, I hate my life! I'm crazy, right? 1

"It was another day. Things like this are accumulative, you see. It wasn't particularly cruddy or anything. Oh, don't get me wrong. Work was brutal that day, but it was always fairly awful. My boss hated me, and all the kids were sick and whiny. By the time I got home, I was limp. The walk from the bus stop was cold and dark, like normal. Eric met me at the door of our apartment with a kiss and he was off to work. His grizzled and haggard face was testament enough to the fact that Paige didn't give him a break all day. I was left alone to care for Paige, our daughter. There was a kitchen full of dishes to clean, as usual. The breakfast dishes were still on the table, for goodness sake. Little Paige must have caught something, cause she was crying and crying and crying; nothing would console her. The baby Tylenol bottle was nearly empty and it wasn't as if I could call a doctor or anything. Neither of us had insurance. I decided to see if I could calm her down with a bath. She sounded croupy, so I got the bathroom nice and steamy before I put her in the tub. I washed her and let her play. The steam helped my throat feel better, too. She was quiet. Playing in the tub, you see. Â After all the noise at work, and all the crying after I got home, I had to just let her play. She was quiet. After a half hour or so, I put her to bed. She slept like an angel that night. Sometimes she still wakes up at night, she cries and cries and I have to hold her and walk her up and down the hallway. Eric didn't get home from work until 6 in the morning, back in those days, so it was all up to me to take care of her. We were trying so hard not to put her in daycare. I know what daycare does to kids. It hardens them, and I want Paige to be sweet forever. 2

" I sat on that big ugly couch we had back then. I hated that couch. I hated all our furniture. All we had was what we could get at the thrift store. It was hideous to begin with, but the couch was stained and had taken on this odor, from the spilled formula and spit up. I have a sensitive nose, and that whole apartment always smelled bad, no matter how many times I cleaned it. I especially hated our living room window. It faced a brick wall. Who would purposely put a window somewhere that it would face a brick wall? The coffee table was covered in Paige�s dirty clothes from the day. The kitchen desperately needed to be cleaned and I hated that room most of all. With all the dirty, chipped, mismatched dishes, all the bottles that stunk of rotting baby formula, that kitchen was my idea of what an eternal hell looked like. Every night after work I cleaned it, and every night I came home to a disgusting, smelly mess. It was so small, so closed in. I always felt so trapped in it. I ignored the kitchen for another half an hour; my show was on that night. But then I had to do it. I stepped in and started scrubbing.  I had to do the dishes by hand back then because the dishwasher was broken.  The egg on the breakfast dishes wouldn't come off. I scrubbed until my hands were raw, but it was fused to the plate or something. And the bottles wouldn't come clean. I didn't want Paige to get sick again, so I had to get those bottles clean. The room was spinning, and getting smaller, I swear. And the whole time I was cleaning, I was thinking about the people on that show I was watching. They are always so happy and accomplished. It�s probably because they're single. I was happy back in college. Not all the time, but a lot. I'd stay up all night with my friends, or Eric, and we'd party and talk and do all sorts of stupid stuff. Not drugs or anything, just goofy stuff. 3

" I finished the dishes and that is when the thought hit me: I need to kill myself. It's the only way I could see of ever being happy again. I was crying by this time. I was holding the last bit of dishes in my hand, a knife. I was drying it with a wet towel, and I thought: I really actually need to kill myself. I'd had the thought before. Even in college, after my friend Kevin did it. He shot himself in the chest. I probably needed counseling or something. All of us probably did. We all tried to shove it into the back of our minds and work around it, but it was there. It haunted me. At first, I thought about it everyday, and then it slowly started to fade back. But I was sad a lot. I didn't understand it, but the thought of death became very appealing. Since then, I've thought of dozens of ways to do it. I always came to my senses though. But that night, my brain wasn't working right. I was all uptight, having a pity party for myself, really. I was thinking about how I had quit school to have Paige, how much I hated my job, my apartment. I love Eric, but I never saw him at that point. And Paige, I love her so much. She's such a sweet baby. She needs me. I tried so hard to hold on to that thought. I repeated it out loud; she needs me, she needs me, she needs me. By this time I was laying down on the couch, with the knife still in my hand. I kept repeating that phrase, even after I fell asleep."4

" Yes, I was told that you were still saying it when they found you. But we're not here to talk about your suicide attempt, Bethany, and you know that."5

" But it wasn't a suicide attempt, not really! Don't you see? The knife, it just cut real deep in my hand because I was clutching it so tightly. I was just sick from the loss of blood, but I didn't kill myself, because I knew Paige needed me!"6

"What I really want to know about, Beth, is Paige. What..."7

" Oh, Paige is doing great! She started preschool yesterday. Eric keeps telling me that she can't go to school, but that doesn't make sense. She turned 4 in December. She speaks so well. She already knows her alphabet. I know she'll do just fine."8

" Beth, please try and remember, what happened to Paige that night?"9

" Nothing, Dr. Palmer, nothing. She got better, is all. Then she went to sleep. Slept like an angel. She slept better than she ever slept before. That's how I knew she wasn't sick anymore. She stopped crying."10

" Bethany, you have to accept what happened. The fever killed her. It's over. It isn't your fault. Paige cannot go to school because she's dead. She's no longer here with us. She's in..."11

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP..."12

"Calm down, Beth. Stop rocking. Stop screaming. It's okay. Accept it. It's been over three years now. Your family loves you. Eric loves you. It's okay."13

"No! She's not dead. She can't be dead. SHE'S MY BABY!"14

" You know what Eric told me after our last session? He told me he can't hold on much longer. He didn't just loose his daughter that night. He lost his wife, too. You need to come back to him. Eric needs you."15

" Eric needs me?"16

" Eric needs you, Beth, he needs you."17

" Yeah, he needs me. He needs me. Eric needs me."18