The Prince and the Pea

The ball was a grand affair, as balls typically were at the Royal Palace. Several royal families had travelled from far far away to be there with their princess daughters and even more lords and ladies had shown up with their young noble daughters too.1

The turnout was much larger than anyone had expected, the music was the latest in the orchestral scene, the dances were thoroughly enjoyable, the food was extravagant and the young prince of the hosting Royal Family was both handsome and charming.2

Every girl in the room wanted to marry him, so by all accounts the ball was a huge success. 3

Everyone thought so but the prince, however, was far from happy.4

It was not the ball that was the problem, nor was it the multitudes of young ladies he had met and entertained and danced with. Both of these things were in fact highly to his liking – the ball was being thrown in his honour, after all, at having reached the marrying age and the young ladies in the crowd were all clamouring and swooning for his attention – yet the prince was not happy.¬5

“Really, mother!” he was saying now in quiet exasperation. “I may as well not get married at all then! Would that make you happy?”6

The stately older woman beside him peered at him in what might have been a somewhat hurt expression if she had not been aware of all the eyes that were upon them. “Prince Jonathan, my son, you know I just want the best for you. And so far not a single girl you have mentioned is good enough for you or our family.”7

The young prince sighed and tried not to let his emotions show on his face. It wouldn’t do to let society see him having an argument with his mother. Especially not when one of those families in society might be housing his future bride. He scanned the room and let his eyes take in the beautiful young ladies who were all there for him. The sight of them blushing or shyly meeting his eyes or smiling hopefully at him when they caught him looking helped to calm him down immensely.8

“What about Princess Caroline? She’s from a wealthy enough kingdom. They can afford a decent military so the land is well protected and that means no poor peasants, no beggars and no thieves.”9

The Queen sniffed. “Yes but we all know what military and too much wealth makes royal families do. Her father will start warring against his neighbours and then we’ll all be dragged down into that awful mess with them!”10

The prince pursed his lips ever so slightly and scanned the room for what seemed the twentieth time. He supposed he couldn’t fault that argument too much but so far (to his growing irritation) his mother had come up with negative criticisms against every single girl he had so far mentioned. Princess Josephine was too rich, Princess Rose was not rich enough, Princess Katherine was too outspoken, Princess Sarah was too meek and Princess Arabella was too foreign. Others had families that were too large or too small, kingdoms that were too mountainous or too swampy, fathers who were too arrogant or mothers who were too gossipy or brothers who were too ambitious. And heaven forbid if he mentioned another lady who was merely noble and not a real princess at all. 11

“Princess Sophie, then? Her father and brothers and uncles and cousins are some of the most peace loving kings and princes and lords in the entire land.” 12

The Queen raised her eyebrows delicately. “Clearly, you haven’t seen her lineage, my son. There are six sets of twins in that family and one set of triplets. It won’t do for you to have twin boys, believe me. They will fight for the throne and tear the kingdom out from under you. I know that for a fact. And besides,” the Queen said in a hushed voice behind a gloved hand, “have you seen the noses on her father’s side? We can’t possibly bring that gene into our family.”13

Prince Jonathan blinked a little at this but caught himself before he frowned and snapped at his mother in public. “And Princess Mary?” he asked in what was rather a cold sort of voice at this stage of their discussion.14

The Queen gave the slightest of frowns. “I don’t like her eyes. And she’s too tall for you, my son. It wouldn’t do to have a wife who towered over you. You would be forever looking up to her and the good Lord knows what gossip the people would come up with. There would be no respect for you, Prince Jonathan! It would not do!”15

The young prince clenched his teeth in barely kept annoyance. He wanted to get married. He’d been looking forward to it for years! Really, any one of these girls would do (though of course he had his favourites) but it didn’t look like his mother was about to let him marry at all. 16

“Isn’t there anyone you approve of, mother?” he said finally when he’d gotten himself under control.17

Maddeningly, the Queen replied, “Now now, Prince Jonathan. You know it’s not up to me at all. I’m merely giving you my opinion, is all. Oh look, Queen Roberta is waving to me. I must have a chat with her.” She squeezed her son’s arm in farewell and swirled away into the crowd.18

Prince Jonathan only just managed to dip his head curtly in the proper bow at her parting and, before he broke his cool entirely, he turned on his heel and strode stiffly outside onto one of the balconies extending out from the ballroom. 19

There was an audible disappointed feminine murmur and several disappointed sighs as he left the dance floor but he was too riled up now to have it affect him very much. What he really wanted to do was to leave the ball entirely and rage about in his private chambers where no one could hear him but society would talk if he left the ball so early. 20

As it was, the best he could do was stand out here on one of the many balconies, silently stewing, and hope no one felt inclined to bother him.21

I should have known! he thought furiously to himself. His mother had only agreed to the ball after much nagging and pushing and when he’d finally managed to get that far, she’d imposed a condition on him: that he had to speak to her first about any girls he was considering.22

“How goes it, Jonathan?” a voice asked. The prince looked up to find the King just resting his elbows on the balcony railing. He was holding a glass of wine in his left hand which he casually swirled before taking a sip.23

“Just smashingly,” Jonathan said, unable to keep a trace of bitterness from his voice and he turned back to look out into the night.24

The King swirled his wine yet again. “I noticed you were talking with your mother...” he began.25

“Yes. She doesn’t like any of the girls I do,” Jonathan burst out. “I should have known this ball idea of hers was too good to be true. Why couldn’t you have arranged a marriage for me when I was child? She’s bent on making me miserable and now I’m sure of it!”26

“Come now, Jonathan, she’s your mother. And you are her only son. Women find it hard to let go of their children.”27

“Dad, I’m not a child anymore. I can make my own decisions. I should be able to pick my own wife. Why doesn’t she trust me? It’s not as if I’m going to marry some peasant girl who’ll send the kingdom into chaos. I’m not that stupid.”28

The King chuckled. “People do crazy things when they think they’re in love,” he said mildly. “Why, I remember running around the countryside trying to find a woman I once danced with at my own ball. I thought it was love at first sight but she ran away from me at midnight, leaving me with nothing to go by but her left shoe.”29

Jonathan glanced at his father curiously but somewhat sceptically as well. “That doesn’t sound like something mother would do.”30

“No, and it wasn’t. Do you know how impossible it is to find a woman based on her shoe size?” The King looked down at the glass in his hand. “About half the women in the land wear a size six and, as many of them had no qualms about telling me, a woman who would wear a glass shoe would be a very impractical woman indeed.”31

“Did you say a glass shoe?” Jonathan said in disbelief.32

The King didn’t look up from his wine. “That’s right.”33

Jonathan shook his head. “What kind of silly idiot would wear a glass shoe? I mean, I know women wear some stupid things in the name of fashion but a glass shoe? If it didn’t break it would have to be the most uncomfortable thing in the world to walk in!”34

The King swirled his wine and shrugged. “Probably why she dropped it in the first place.”35

Jonathan stared over the balcony railing and for a moment there was nothing but silence between them. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. He’d never been uncomfortable with his father even though his father was the king. It was his mother he didn’t quite get on with. He wondered how things might have been different if his father had married the woman with the glass shoe instead.36

“Did you ever find out who she was?”37

The King looked up at him at that. “Oh, yes. It took me damn well near seven months to hunt her down but I’d been adamant that she was the one for me. Turns out I was wrong of course or you wouldn’t be here today. I was a bit of a laughing stock too for a while,” he said with a sigh. “But that’s what happens when you let love get to your head like that. You’ll remember that now, won’t you, Jonathan?”38

Jonathan looked at his father in surprise. “But I’m not claiming to be in love with any of these ladies, Dad. Believe me, if a dragon swooped down and carried one of them off, I’d be the last prince to go after them just to score myself a quick wife. It’s not like it was in your day. I want to court these ladies properly and get to know them better before I go and marry one of them. There’s nothing dangerous or foolish about that.”39

Now it was the King’s turn to be surprised – but in an impressed and proud sort of way. “Right, right,” he said hurriedly as if he didn’t want Jonathan to change his mind. “My point is, your mother was one of those women who told me exactly how impractical that girl with the glass shoes would be. And she was exactly right. Beautiful though she was, that girl turned out to be highly fanciful, did only what other people told her to do and cried uselessly when something didn’t go right. She was a completely different person from the lady I thought I’d fallen in love with. So you see, you shouldn’t cast aside your mother’s concerns so readily. At least not until you can confirm or refute them yourself.”40

“Fine,” Jonathan said grudgingly. “But it sounds like she doesn’t even want me to do that much.”41

The King swirled his wine in thought. “Perhaps she is being a little over protective...” he finally assented. “I tell you what. Don’t worry about your mother. Spend some quality time with a few of these girls – outside of society, mind – and if, after at least three months of getting to know them well, you’re absolutely convinced you want to marry one of them, then I’ll speak to your mother for you. 42

“But I do have one condition. Whichever girl you choose must be good Queen material. That is the one responsibility we royalty have in choosing our partners that others don’t. Never forget your duty to the kingdom, Jonathan. Now go out there and have a good time. No matter what happens, you must be married. And you will be married whether your mother likes it or not.” 43

Jonathan’s face shone with an ecstatic grin. “Thank you, father!” he said and he fairly bounced back into the ballroom where various feminine murmurs of glee immediately rose up around him.44

The King watched him go and drained the last of his wine in one quick draught.45

~