Please

I never thought I’d hate you.  I knew I’d mourn you, grieve, a part of me die inside when you took that one stupid chance that would send you away forever.  1

For real forever this time.  Not the fake times, where you return with a smile and a shrug.  2

Would I even be happy if you returned?  Would I accept you back, love you, cling to you?  3

I hate you.4

It won’t go away.  No matter what I do, it won’t leave.  All my anger, all my frustration, it’s turning me into someone else.  Someone I don’t like.  Someone I don’t want to be. 5

Fuck you.  Fuck you for leaving.  Fuck you for dying.  6

Fuck you for just staring at me the last time I saw you.  For looking already dead.  For spoiling everything I thought I knew, everything I held as fact.  7

You gave me so much, and then you made it worthless.  Tainted every memory I had.  8

I have no more faith in anything.  9

It hurts so much it’s numb.  10

You have betrayed everyone that loved you, that thought you were strong.  They stare at me now, asking me how could you, why did you, what did you.  11

I can’t answer anyone.  I don’t know.  I just stare at them.  I used to cry, and they’d stop or they’d comfort me. 12

Now I just stare.  13

No one really asks me anymore.  14

I think my nephews and niece blame me.  They ask me when you’re returning, even though we’ve all explained that you aren’t.  They know death.  They know what it means.  They refuse to accept it.  You haven’t died before, why would you now?15

Why would you be dead now?16

They stop, sometimes, and just stare at me with condemning eyes.  That it’s my fault, that I’m the one keeping you away because I hate you.   I told you never to come back.  17

Never come back.   18

Blue and red.  Such little, inconsequential things to hinge a life on.19

Trying not to remember how you looked.  20

I wish you had died then.  Then I wouldn’t hate you.  Not as much.21

I miss you so much my hands hurt.  22

I still walk into my house and expect you to be in the kitchen, randomly appearing and seamlessly putting yourself into my house.  I still expect you to be resting on the couch, paging through one of my latest translations.  I still expect you to be playing with Annamaria, lifting her in the air and smiling like I’d never see you smile before.  23

I wish you had children, with your smiles and your eyes and your heart.24

You never showed Vivat around.  He’s heartbroken and doesn’t want to show it, and the most hopeful for your return.  25

You left behind so many people.  26

You’re never coming back. 27

I sometimes wonder how easy it is to turn your back on your obligations.  Not as a protector, but as a friend.  To not care enough that our lives, now bereft, meant that little to you.  28

I wonder if you could do that if we were there with you.  If you could see our faces, know our hearts, and still leave us behind. 29

Don’t go where I can’t follow. 30

I never gave up.  I’m weaker than you, so much weaker, and yet I survived.  I left behind my family, and you know how important family is to me, for a dream of a land beyond the forests and my Perfect Knight. 31

You. 32

Tsael still lives in my heart, separated.  He’s perfect, in a way only a thirteen year old girl can make a person perfect.  33

She hasn’t stopped crying.  34

Her angel has clay feet.  35

I wonder…I wonder if I had done something different, whether I could save you.  Instead of casting down all I loved at your feet and told you I hated you, I could have hugged you and told you I loved you.  36

Would that have saved you?37

Material possessions mean nothing, but their loss still hurts.  So much.38

I still have my doll.  She’s all mine.  I can keep her.  39

Fuck you.40

Come back.  Restore my faith.  My world has tumbled.  41

There’s no reflection in the mirror.  I fell from so high up I’m a million pieces on the ground, impossible to repair.  42

I’ve lost my home again.  I thought I found it, but it left with you.  Once again I’m a butterfly to the wind, shifting lazily to wherever it brings me and never planting my feet down.  43

I wonder how it feels to just give up. 44

I wonder if my mom is disappointed in me.  45

Why have all my dreams disappeared?46

Everything was in your eyes. 47

Don’t leave me alone.  The dark is scary, they’re coming after me again.  They’re under the bed, out the window.  They don’t speak, but they stare, they laugh, they leer.  I don’t know what they want.48

I wish you had spoken more.  I can’t hear your voice on the wind.  49

What did we do to send you away?  We loved you.  50

All I have left is the ring you gave me.  The gold band, the eagle clutching the emerald in her beak.  I can’t wear it anymore, but I stare at it and remember the double wings.  51

Angel and Demon.  52

Why did the demon win?53

You’re breaking my heart.  54

It didn’t break with my body, but tore by itself.  A million of bitty pieces within the rest, gold and red amongst the silver.  Dust, now.  Blown away by the wind.55

I don’t know what I’d give to hug you one last time.  To feel protected, saved, loved.  Why did you sacrifice that?56

What was so fucking hard?57

It’s so cold now.58

My nails are broken.  Blood and dirt are caked underneath.  My fingers are white and skeletal.  59

I don’t want to miss you.  I don’t want to miss my heart.  I don’t want to miss my faith.  60

Please.  61