The lonely room... Just the thought of always being lonely left me wide-eyed and afraid. My skin was pale from the lack of sunlight. The windows were shut tightly. I couldn't breathe without taking in large amounts of dust. The light had gone out inside me. I fell to my knees, crying from the pain. It was too much to bear. I couldn't go on much longer. There was nothing left to keep me alive. My water had gone dry, and my food had become rotten. 1
I held my knees close in the darkness of a corner. Tears ran down my cheeks, bloodstained and cold. I bit my lip softly and whimpered to myself. A spider made its way over to me. I slammed my foot down upon it. Spiders were not a friend of mine. Nobody could make me love a spider. I would burn each and every one of the little pests...2
My hatred began to build up inside of me. Stronger and stronger it grew, forcing me to go into a mad rage. I banged on the boarded windows and the locked door. The kids outside laughed at me, calling, "You will never get out. You will never escape!"3
I wanted so bad to destroy all of them. I wanted to take my sadness, pain, and hatred out on the world. The sun inside of me had gone black. I felt the searing pain of it in moments. My head smashed against the floor. I felt warm blood in my hair. I reached up and touched my wound, wincing as I felt the tender area of my head.4
"You will never escape, worthless vampire girl!"5
I wasn't a vampire. They called me a vampire. I spent all of my life hiding inside. My skin was becoming pale. I went outside during the night and enjoyed a walk in the moonlight. People saw my strange actions, thus, I became the vampire girl. They even told me that my teeth were becoming sharper. I looked in the mirror every day. They were lying to me.6
"Stop this pain, please," I cried, holding my hands together in a beg. "Please, take away the pain!"7
A lantern blew into flames on a table nearby. I should have been scared, but I wasn't. I walked up to the table and reached for the little lantern. The flames danced around my fingers but did not cause me pain.8
The room became warm. Water pooled into the buckets that I had left on the floor. The food became nutritious once again. The boards on the windows fell to the floor. The door's lock clicked. Everything was bright again. 9
I was surprised. Had my begging caused all of this strange happening? I felt something in my heart. It was as though something was calling to me. I went to the door and opened it wide.10
"Hello, princess," said a young man, smiling brightly to me.11
And that is when my Sun grew warm again. I saw my knight in shining armor right there, drawing me out of the darkness.
Author notes
This is a conceit that I wrote about my life before my lover, Ben, came along. He pulled me out of the darkness. I used to be under the spell of major depression. I had moved away from all of my great friends. In my new hometown, I had gained one friend (I now have two, but we fight all of the time). My heart became cold and alone.
And then he came to my rescue. That is the meaning of this conceit.
Short and good?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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g1: the description in this paragraph is all very good, but the first sentence is a bit strange. How is the lonely room leaving her wide-eyed and afraid? I can see how loneliness itself my terrorize her, but rooms, in general, are fairly harmless. What the room represents, on the other hand... On another note, in the last sentence, if you replace both instances of "the" with "my" you'll increase the potency of the message.
g2: I'm starting to think this high-emotion piece might so really well in present tense, but of course the choice is up to you. My only note for this paragraph is the abrupt and dissonant change of diction in using the relatively intellectualized term 'arachnid'. As something of a rule of thumb, the more syllables a word has, the less emotion, barring a few exceptions. In high-emotion pieces, it's good to keep the sentences short and the words shorter (one to two syllables). The simple explanation for all of that is that when you're truly angry, sad or overcome, it's hard to actually say words like 'melancholy' or 'arachnid' because you're too busy...well...being angry or sad or overcome.
I liked it. The tone was a lot more personal than your usual work, and it definitely paid off. Bravo
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Thanks ^^ Edited
I've edited a the things you've told me to edit. I do thank you for being my editor. You know a lot about editing. I think I will be writing better after I take my higher English courses. Hopefully I won't be doing the same thing over and over again this year.
♥RayneFall♥
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Love the title, too.
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That was beautiful! It was well written, and i felt the emotion. Very nice ending, too.
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Thank you for the comments. I appreciate your enjoyment of this piece.
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