Left to live

Imagine you had a limited time left to live, how would you react? Would you tell everyone? A few people? Would you still hold your head high, and be proud of your life? Or would you hang your head, and sulk about the little time you had left? Would you be brave or scared? These are questions you will only be able to answer if you were in that position, like me.1

Five months, twenty-four days, three hours, and four minutes ago, on June 17th 2009 at 11:09am I sat in front on Dr. Jane Reece and she told me I was going to die. Do you have any idea what it is like? To be told you’re dying of terminal cancer, I mean? If you have, I’m sorry, if you haven’t consider yourself lucky. I remember my hands beginning to shake, and a chill sweat begin at the base of my neck. “Wha-- what?” I had asked. 2

“I’m sorry Kathryn, but you have terminal cancer, the lump at the base of your neck was a little more than a sore. I’m afraid it’s too dangerous for us to remove. Is there someone you would like us to call?” I sat there for a few more moments, was there? I thought, and listed all the names of friends and family that should know their time with me was limited. As I sat there, like I hadn’t even heard the question, and Dr. Reece, about to re-ask the question, it occurred to me, why should they suffer? “No,” I answered bluntly, “There’s no one to call.”3

“Are you sure?” She began searching through papers for names and emergency numbers. I put up a shaky, pale hand to stop her. “Yes, I’m sure. I don’t want to tell anyone.”4

“Well Ms. Gordon, we can get you help, try some new treatments, maybe-” 5

“No. No thank you.” I interrupted her. “I’ll accept that my time has been shortened.” I stood, nodding to her, and left. 6

The days had gone by quickly at first, narrowing down my time left to live. Then, the days got slower, longer, more painful. I became paler, and weaker, my mother thinking I had constant colds, and days where I collapsed at school. Now, I stood in front of my locker, looking at myself in the mirror, appalled at what I saw. My skin was ghostly pale, and damp with sweat, my eyes were dark, hollow, sunken. My lips were parted slightly, my breathing become to much of an effort for my nose. I closed my eyes, sighing, and ripped the mirror off the locker door. Even that little movement was a huge effort for me. I pulse quickened, and my eyes shot open as I clutched my chest. 7

I knew it was coming, I knew those days with my friends and family were numbered. I knew. As I fell to my knees, Jordon and Kasey running for me, I remember the past five and a half months. After Dr. Reece told me the news, I went home and locked myself in my room. I let out all my grief, there would be no room for such a thing as grief in the next couple of months. I let it all out, and thought of how much I’d miss my friends. I wrote a letter, the letter, explaining everything to my parents, and put it in a place they would look after I had… I could barely bring myself to even think the word… died. 8

I’d been kind to my little brother, helped my parents, and spent every moment I could with my friends. I told no one. A couple of weeks ago, Dr. Reece called me. She said that from the day we last met, the day I was told I was going to die, I only had about six months to live, and now that was even shorter. 9

I felt Jordon grasp my arm, and Kasey put and arm around my waist. “It’s useless…” I wanted to say, but the energy left me. I closed my eyes and fell into Kasey’s arms. My whole body convulsed in a feverous shiver. I heard dim voices, but they were too clouded in my mind to understand. When my body went limp, it wasn’t all in one go, I didn’t just stop like people may think. First, my fingers and toes went numb, until I could no longer move them, the numbness began to creep up my limbs until my whole body was limp, and my eyelids were fluttering. 10

As my eyelids fluttered open for a brief moment, I saw paramedics rushing in, escorting everyone aside. Suddenly, everything went black. I almost half expected a sign to flash “Game Over.” Of course, it didn’t, but it might as well have. I sat in that total darkness for god knows how long. Suddenly, I felt the surgical prod of doctors and nurses. I was still alive. I knew I wasn’t going to survive, I don’t know how, but I did. When there was a sort of opening, in the darkness, welcoming me to fight against the cancer, with the little strength I had left, I turned and walked the other way, into death’s open arms. Without a goodbye, without a notice, I left. 11


Five months, twenty-four days, three hours, and twenty-five minutes ago, I was told I was going to die. And today, at 2:34pm, I did die