Heavy thudding droplets, fall to ground, piercing holes in the concrete.1
One after another, followed with haste, reckless abandon. Like it rained for the first time. Almost like too much dirt had built up and God's washing it away again.2
Wind danced around drunkenly, without purpose. His clothes against him,3
silhouetting him. Dashing, he held the umbrella with elan, a sure hand.4
She arrived 25 minutes late.5
"I'm sorry.", she giggled. "So am I." he thought. 6
"You're the clever one, how did you know it was going to rain today, in July? The weatherman said it was going to be great today, just great." she said.7
"I guess I just knew." he replied.8
2 yards and 10 years separated their minds. He looked. She looked. He longingly looked. She blankly looked.9
"You were always the most beautiful girl, I've ever seen, you know. Even at knee height you were snatching hearts everytime you breathed." he sighed.10
"Thanks, you always said the nicest things." she said, as she smiled whilst looking down11
"Not nice enough." he thought.12
This was getting silly. He succinctly positioned the umbrella above her head, placed his hand on her shoulder, with some unease and said13
"Let's sit down" 14
The parkbench wet but nearest what used to be their favourite tree. It had been hit by lightning during a freak storm and had to be cut down to a stump.15
"Is there anything you want to say to me, after all this time, what did you want to say?" she asked.16
Now he'd been crying inside for a long long while, but one tear was about to penetrate his defences. He accidently dropped the umbrella, and when he was ready, confidently picked it up again.17
"You're so silly, let me wipe your face, you're all wet now. What did you want to say." she asked again.18
"I was watching tv the other day. According to the latest research, when we're kids, you create a kind of, love map. When your brain is forming, all these connections, you sort of decide everything you know about love. I just wanted to say, you're my map. You formed this brain, you did." he thought.19
"Is that it, Is there anything else you don't want to take with you?" she asked 20
"No, I can handle everything else." he replied21
He closed his eyes and she breathed on them. After an eternity he woke up. He could hear the dull fluttering of wings, only this time it was louder. In his sleeping he had grown his own.22
Author notes
Thought I'd experiment with a short story, do tell me what you think.
Having not written consistently for years, my grammar and punctuation may not be in tip top shape, so criticise if you want.
If you like please check out other stories, theres only 2. They are seperate stories
allpoetry.com/Story/1452007
allpoetry.com/Story/1436040
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I love how the rain trickled to a tear and then in the finish came to the flutter of wings, signalling the end of the storm. this felt to be a part of some larger piece of writing however, perhaps a chapter from a novel? it does stand on its own as a short synopisis, a flashpoint of an overall much larger picture. almost as though a sort of prose-poem for now though...
Jo -
Thank you. It's great that you tried to see my point of view.
I appreciate the applause. -
I think this is a perfect little piece of writing...I loved it and the whole concept. Everyday life IS ordinary...the things we say to cover up what we are REALLY thinking, etc...cleverly executed. Nice work! Sharon x
Edited on Oct 14, 7:00 p.m. because ''. -
yeah, 'cause the guy's like "I just know" about the rain... And that the girl's all caring... and then at the end about the him growing wings... And that he's an angel... and he fell in love with the person he was 'protecting' y'know. 'cause he was all like "you stole hearts when you were kneehigh" like he knew her all her life... Dunno, how *I* got the story...
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Don't put yourself down, it's fine not to get something, happens to all of us. It's really great you're asking questions, it shows you've made an effort.
The guy drops the umbrella so the rain would hit his face and disguise his tears, he doesnt want to show much he cares because he isn't getting any of the right signals from the girl.
The guy doesn't die the next day. The idea is that when we die, before we go on to heaven(or whatever you believe in) an angel would come to you and ask if there are any memories you want to get rid of. However you have made me look at my own story differently, it's an interesting idea that the guy is an angel or a figment of the girls imagination. -
Like I said, I really LOVE your style... It's like awesome. I totally like praise you. lol jk
Anyways... So the guy dies the next day, why?
I don't get it... so he drops his umbrella, and then pauses a while and THEN picks it up?
I'm so sorry, I'm really dumb, I REALLY am. So I don't GET things most people would... Wait... the guy's an angel... ARGHH!! The guy's a frigmant of her imagination! Sorta confusing... I'm really sorry...
But I LOVED the ending...
And the other two stories... do you just want people to read them, or are they part of the contest? or something else?
Good luck,
Angel~ -
That's why it's a very short story instead of a little novel, gaps were left for the reader to fill in, with whatever their own experiance dictates would be reasonable. The reason I added lots of rain imagery was to make an emotional point. The plainness of the conversation is deliberate, point being no matter how grand the feeling, often the reality is more mundane. If you want a more filled in story do read allpoetry.com/Story/1452007
Edited on Sep 10, 8:49 p.m. because ''. -
First of all let me say I really enjoyed reading your story, especially the end. However, I am left with a feeling I miss parts. It leaves me wondering how, why and what happened that made this girl the "map of love" for him and did she ever knew of his feelings for her? Also in your first paragraph you treat the reader with some great imagery, but unfortunately this makes the rest of the conversation a little "plain". I'd say this would be a wonderful first draft, but I'm convinced you could turn it into something awesome if you work on it a bit. Well done though!
Edited on Aug 17, 12:13 because ''. -
All throughout this story the rain has been mentioned. In a rather cliched way, the rain stands for the emotional upset of the man. So that's how rain in july becomes important, after all he just knew it would rain. Also you've heard people talk, most of it doesn't sound particulary interesting. Just one thing, the fact that the speech of the woman is significantly plainer than the man's gives a clean contrast in emotion.
Edited on Aug 06, 7:00 p.m. because ''. -
Ok, give me sentences you would have me rewrite and I will see if the plainess of the language is justified in those particular cases.
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All throughout this story the rain has been mentioned. In a rather cliched way, the rain stands for the emotional upset of the man. So that's how rain in july becomes important, after all he just knew it would rain. Also you've heard people talk, most of it doesn't sound particulary interesting.
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You're the clever one, how did you know it was going to rain today, in July? : " I wouldn't of guessed you were so clever, tell me how did you know it was going to rain today"
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Ok, give me sentences you would have me rewrite and I will see if the plainess of the language is justified in those particular cases.
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I think you did a really nice job with this, it was pretty intresting, the language was alittle common I think it could of used more orginal wording. But the plot was excellent and the characters were cool to. Very nice job
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Sometimes, it's nice to push a word a bit out of it's normal boundaries. I mean precisely, but I like your other reading, more imaginative than my own.
Edited on Aug 06, 3:34 p.m. because ''. -
I liked the idea behind your story, the ending was pretty darned good as well. I'm a bit confused though, on how you used the word succint here:
This was getting silly. He succinctly positioned the umbrella above her head, placed his hand on her shoulder, with some unease and said
Does it mean that the umbrella was positioned precisely or that it was postioned like a halo, as in the old usage of the word? Would love to know!
anyway, it was a pretty good piece. I'm gonna go look for other prose by you
Edited on Aug 06, 3:09 p.m. because ''. -
I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I don't have the discipline to read novels, but I like short stories.
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I usually don't like stories such as this...I find them long and they fail to hold my interest...this one, however was quite riveting. Your use of imagery was fascinating right from the beggining...the droplets punching holes in the concrete....and the conversation was quite engaging as well...The ending was quite well done....An excellent write in my opinion!
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For me it's about contrast. Love is a big huge massive theme, but often even with loved ones we improvise chit chat. Wanted some realism to contrast with the element of the supernatural. It would be boring if everyone wrote the same. Thanks for the comment.
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I think you did a really nice job with this. It reminds me of something I went through and I think you captured it very well. I don't think that everything needs to be eye-popping in language to be very good, but thats why there are so many different styles and opinions.
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Thanks very much. It's a difficult decision one has to make, how much should one try for novelty and how much should one borrow. My justification is the plainness of a lot of the language, the conventional plot, sets up the ending.
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I like: the ending. What a perfect ending. You got something amazing going on there.
I dislike: the lack of unique phrases. Now, I realize that prose cannot enjoy the luxury of poetry in economy -- and hence, ready-made phrases are a must-have. Still, it would be nice if there was something to take me to the moon and back.
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