The Right Questions

“God, thank you for giving us this time to meet and to study the bible and to maybe learn to look at you in a new way. Thank you for loving us and for being patient with us as we learn to follow you. Open our eyes to see who you made us to be and what you want us to do in the world. Amen.”1

Kallie wiped the sweat from her brow. She shifted in her seat, crossing, then uncrossing her legs. She cleared her throat.2

“Ok, um, I think this went pretty well for a first meeting,” she said. “Don't you guys think so?” A few blank stares. Two nods. She bit her lower lip. “So, ok, um, before we leave, I think we have time for a few questions. I mean, this is a lot of information to take in, a lot of bible verses to look at, and you're probably not used to hearing most of the things I had to say about them.” Silence. No takers. She tried again. “Come on. I know someone has a question. Ask me anything.” 3

Jacob unzipped his backpack and put the stack of handouts inside. 4

Jamie flipped through her bible.5

Mike stared at his hands, folded on the table in front of him.6

Tyler studied his nails.7

Kyle played with her hair.8

Mark stared down at his lap.9

No one said a word. Kallie looked at the clock, then turned back toward the table. “Well, if there's nothing else...” she began. Mike pushed his chair back and got to his feet.10

“Am I going to go to hell?” The voice was so quiet she almost didn't hear it.11

Kallie looked across the table. “What did you say, Mark?” she asked.12

“Am I going to hell?” he repeated, louder this time. “For being a fag...for being gay? I mean, ok, maybe not for BEING gay, if that's what it is, for thinking guys are hot, because you can control those thoughts and not act on them or whatever. But what if you DO act on those thoughts? And what exactly counts as 'acting on it'? I mean, is it actually having sex? Or is it even thinking about having sex? Or only if I jerk off while I'm thinking about it? Am I going to have to be alone and never have sex unless I somehow change like my mom wants me to do and I manage to get married and have sex with a girl? Am I going to have to ask forgiveness every time I think about guys for the rest of my life? You said maybe God created me this way but most other people aren't this way and none of those bible verses you had us read say it's ok for two men or two women to have sex or even get married, so how are we supposed to believe it's true if that's not what we see?”13

Kallie stared st him. Mike sat back down. Suddenly, they were all looking at her. She cleared her throat again. “Um...”14

“I knew it,” Mark said. He grabbed his backpack and stood, turning toward the door.15

“Wait, where are you going?”16

“I'm going home,” he replied. “I bet my mom has an answer for every single one of those questions I just asked and probably three bible verses to back up everything she says. She wrote down this list that gave me every reason why it was a sin and it was wrong. She makes me go over it every night before I go to sleep.”17

“She makes you read it every night?” Kallie asked. He nodded. “Do you have it with you?” Kallie asked.18

Mark nodded. “Yeah.” He unzipped his backpack, pulled out a few crumpled sheets of paper, and threw them on the table. Kallie scanned the first page. “She wrote it down a few months ago,” Mark continued, “the day I told her I thought I might be...gay. She said God has an answer for everything; that I don't have to give in to sin. I don't want to give in to sin.”19

“But you came here today,” Kallie said.20

“Because I saw the flier and I thought you might have answers for some of this stuff. But you don't. I can tell.” He grabbed the crumpled papers from off the table and turned to leave.21

“Mark, will you sit down and at least give me a chance to answer some of those questions?” Kallie asked. He stopped. Sighed. Turned and sat down. Crossed his arms over his chest. Waited.22

Kallie raked her mind for something to say. She glanced around the table at the other kids. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. She prayed silently for an answer, something to say, but her mind came up blank. After a minute, Mike looked at the door. Finally, she had an idea. “Mike,” she said.23

He jumped in his seat, startled, then turned to face her. 24

“What do you think?” she asked.25

“Huh?”26

“Do you think you'd go to hell for being gay?”27

Mark stiffened in his seat. “Not just being gay, I told you that-”28

“Ok, do you think you'd go to hell for having sex with another guy?” she amended.29

Mike's eyes widened. “I don't have sex with guys,” he said.30

“But if you did? Would you go to hell for that?”31

He thought for a moment. “It's wrong to have sex when you're not married anyway, isn't it? Even with girls?”32

Kallie bit her tongue. “Yeah, most people say so. So two guys have sex and it's wrong because all sex before marriage is wrong?”33

Mike nodded. “Yeah.”34

“But what if these two guys get married?” Kallie asked. “Is the sex still wrong if they're married?”35

Mike looked around the table. Everyone looked back at him. He cleared his throat. “Um, that's not legal,” he said.36

“In New Hampshire it is,” Kallie said.37

“It's legal in some other states, too,” Jamie added.38

Mike looked at the floor for a minute. Looked back up. Shook his head. “No. It's still wrong. Even if the guys are married.”39

“So it's wrong for two guys to have sex, period?” Kallie asked.40

Mike nodded. “I guess so.”41

“But why?” Kyle asked, then clapped a hand over her mouth. Everyone turned to look at her. She looked back at them, then took her hand off her mouth and began to play with her hair, looking away. “I mean, why is it just wrong for two guys to have sex, period?” she continued without looking at anyone. Everyone looked back at Mike. He shrugged and looked away.42

“The bible says it's wrong. It's an abomination,” Tyler offered. 43

“But what if that word “abomination” doesn't mean what we think it means, like Kallie said?” Jamie added.44

“My pastor teaches that when the bible says “abomination,” it means being gay is a sin,” Tyler argued. “Most people think that.”45

“But not everyone thinks that,” Jamie countered. She flipped through the stack of papers in her lap and pulled out a sheet. “See? This book list Kallie gave us has like, twenty books that say that the bible doesn't really say being gay is a sin. Right Kallie?” Everyone turned to look at Kallie.46

“Yeah, that's right,” she replied. “And there are more books than what's on that list that say the same thing.” 47

Mark was shaking his head. “But it doesn't matter what a bunch of books say. It matters what the truth is.”48

“And what is the truth, Mark?” Kallie asked.49

“What God thinks about gay sex is the truth,” he replied.50

“And how can we know what God thinks about it?” Kallie asked.51

“We read the bible,” Mark said through gritted teeth.52

“But what if we read the bible and we still don't know the answer? What if the bible verses aren't totally clear? What if they're full of phrases like “ lie with a man as one would lie with a woman” or “God gave them up to a reprobate mind to do what is not convenient,” and we still don't totally understand what they're saying, even after we read them?” Kallie asked.53

“We keep reading other verses until the meaning becomes clear,” he replied. “We can't rely on all those other books. The bible is the only book that God gave directly to us. We have to look to that.”54

“But God didn't just give us the bible,” Jamie said.55

Mark rolled his eyes. “God didn't give us those other books Kallie talked about-”56

“I'm not talking about those other books,” Jamie interrupted. “Sorry, but I'm not. I mean, people who were born in like, some remote village in some tribe that doesn't read or speak any language the bible is printed in, people say they're supposed to know that God is real and accept Christ into their hearts, and people use that bible verse where Paul said people have no excuse because God's creation testifies that God is real or whatever, so people say that no one has an excuse not to be a Christian. But look, those people in that remote tribe are supposed to believe God is real, believe God had a son and sent that son to die for their sins, repent and be sorry for all their sins, and ask that son Jesus to forgive all their sins, right? That's what you have to do to become a Christian, right? But that's an awful lot of stuff they're supposed to figure out just by looking at a tree.”57

Mark stared at her. 58

Kallie put a hand over her mouth to cover a smile. Jamie looked around the table, then back down at the floor. She shrugged. “I know the bible is important, but it's not the only thing we have that helps us know and understand God. It can't be, because people who say the Bible is all we need and all that are the same people who tell us that stuff about people having no excuse not to believe in God because God gave us nature to testify to him, too. Both of those things can't be true.”59

“Maybe God can forgive those people in that tribe who never learned about him because God has grace and mercy,” Jacob said. “God can do anything.”60

“But then why can't God forgive gay people, too, even if acting gay is wrong?” Jamie asked.61

“Because those people in that tribe haven't heard about God,” Jacob said. “They never heard the truth. Gay people have heard it. Once you know the truth, you're responsible for what you know.”62

“But what is the truth, then?” Kyle asked. “I mean, what is “lying with a man as one lies with a woman”? What does that mean? Is one guy the man and one guy the woman when two men have sex? And how does that apply to two women? And what is “a reprobate mind that does things which are not convenient?” People can say that means being gay and having gay sex, ok, but that's doing just as much interpreting as they tell us not to do when they say we're not supposed to read the bible verses and decide women can't cut their hair and women can't speak in the church and women have to wear head coverings to pray and stuff. There are bible verses that say that outright, but people say we're not supposed to believe it, because it's cultural or whatever.”63

“Some churches still believe those things about women,” Tyler said.64

“But a lot don't,” Kyle replied. “Does your church believe women have to do those things?”65

Tyler shook his head. “My church even has a woman pastor,” he said. Everyone grew quiet. 66

Kallie looked at the clock, then back at the table. After a few more moments of silence, she cleared her throat. “Can I tell you guys a story?” she asked. The group looked up, except for Mark. “When I lived in the dorms in college,” she began, “I spent a lot of boring nights hanging around the lobby with the other students who didn't want to do homework. We were nerds, and we played games to pass the time, and one of those games was called “The Question Game.” It went like this. I would start a story, but I'd start at the end instead of the beginning, just give a few lines without many details, and then everyone else would ask yes or no questions in order to figure out what had happened in the story. So one night we were playing this game, and the story went like this. “A group of people were walking in the desert. It was out in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, they came upon a pile of pictures in frames. A few feet from that spot, they found some blankets. As they walked a little further, they came upon a few books. They continued their walk, and found several more random items, all cast off as if from nowhere. Shoes, clothing, pots, and pans. Finally, a few feet away, they found a straw lying on the ground. Several feet ahead of that, they found the body of a dead man.” So that was the story, and then people had to ask me yes or no questions to find out what had happened.” The teens looked around the table at each other.67

“Questions like what?” Tyler asked.68

“Like, “They weren't anywhere near a road?” and “The dead man didn't have a gunshot wound or anything?” and “die the man die from falling?” Things like that. So we were sitting around the lobby and there were only four of us, and I told the story and the three other people were asking questions for over an hour, and even after all that time, we hadn't gotten anywhere and no one was near guessing what had happened in the story. So this one girl, Julie, she's getting really frustrated, when suddenly, her friend Johnny walks into the lobby. He's taking a break from studying, and he asks what we're doing, and I explain the game to him, and he asks, “can I give it a try?” And Julie says “Yeah, go ahead. We've been talking for over an hour and we've got nothing. You try guessing. We'll see how long it takes you to give up.” So Johnny sits down, and I tell him the opening, about the people walking in the desert, and the things they find, and then he looks at me for a minute, then he asks, “The straw they found on the ground, was it a drinking straw?” And I say, “No, it wasn't,” and Julie pitches herself up off the couch, with her mouth hanging open, and she says “How in hell did you know to ask that? Have you heard the story before?” And Johnny says, “No, it just seemed like they threw the straw into the story for a reason, so I should ask about that,” and Julie sits down, rolling her eyes, and she's all sulking, right? So then Johnny looks at me again and pauses for a minute, then he asks, “The things that fell, were they from a hot air balloon?” And I say, “Yes, they were,” and Julie again gets up and stomps her foot and says “How did you know that?! How did you figure that out?” And Johnny says, “I figured they had to get out into the desert somehow, and if they fell from the sky, it had to be from something that flies, and if the straw wasn't a drinking straw, maybe it was from the basket of a hot air balloon.” And he shrugs. Then he says to me he thinks he has the answer, so I ask him what happened, and he says “A bunch of people were traveling in a hot air balloon when suddenly it starts to sink, and they try throwing things overboard to lighten the load, starting light and then getting frantic and throwing more and more, until finally they realize they're going to have to throw a person overboard, so they all draw straws to see who gets thrown overboard, and the dead man drew the shortest straw, so they threw him.” And I told him he was right, and Julie screamed “How did you kn ow that?” And he just shrugs.” Kallie stopped talking. She looked around the table. Everyone was staring at her, even Mark. Tyler blinked, then looked around the table at everyone else. Mark rolled his eyes. Kyle shrugged. Tyler turned back to face Kallie.69

“Ok, so what does that story have to do with anything?”70

Kallie smiled. “I put out the fliers saying I was having a bible study about homosexuality here at my church because I was hoping people would come and we could all discuss it together,” she replied. “I tried to change myself, too.” Mark looked at her, then looked away again. “I prayed for years and years, had pastors pray over me, I followed training plans, I memorized the bible...I did everything I was supposed to do, but I still liked girls. That never changed. I wondered sometimes if I was supposed to be this way, or if that was a sin to even think that. I've read every book on that list I gave you, and sometimes I still don't know, but I know I'm trying to be who I am, and I hope that's enough. I hope God understands that I'm trying. Sometimes I think he's ok with me liking girls, sometimes I don't know, but the more I read and study and hear what other people think, the more I figure out what I think.”71

“So what does that have to do with your story?” Kyle asked.72

“Well, when I was on my own, trying to figure things out, I knew what I thought and I knew what I had been taught about things, but I had all these questions and every time I thought I had an answer, I had a million other follow up questions for every answer I had. People told me to read the bible and not rely on what I thought, but I kept running into the same walls, about why it's ok to interpret some of the bible but we're not supposed to interpret any of the verses that seem to say it's wrong to be gay. It was only when I got around other people who were gay who were trying to figure out what the bible said, too, that I started to get some answers, because they had ideas I'd never even heard of.” Kallie paused and looked around the table. “There's a verse in the bible, Proverbs 27:17, that says “as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” I never liked that verse before, because people use it when you don't agree with what they say and they say you're resisting God and you have to listen to other Christians because “iron sharpens iron” and all that. But now I'm looking at it in a different way. Because on my own, all I had were questions with no answers, and it wasn't until I got around other people who were asking the same kinds of questions that I got any answers...because on our own, we can't figure things out all the time because we don't even know the right questions to ask. But like Julie learned with Johnny in the story, sometimes other people can help us, because they look at things in a different way, and they can help us see things we might have missed on our own.”73

Everyone lapsed into silence then. Kallie looked around the table, and people were shifting in their seats. It was getting late. She cleared her throat. “It's late. You guys can go if you want. I hope you'll come back next week, though.” There were some scattered “thank yous” as chairs were pushed back and people grabbed backpacks to leave. Soon the room was empty except for Mark and Kallie. He looked up at her.74

“Did you really try to change yourself and stop being gay?” he asked.75

She nodded. “For years. From when I was sixteen and I realized I was different until right after I graduated college when I was twenty two last year.”76

“What did you try?” he asked77

“I read books. Went to counselors. Checked myself into a 12-step training program. Had pastors perform exorcisms over me. Had lots of people pray for me.”78

“What happened last year?” he asked.79

She shrugged. “I got tired of it all. Of all that trying and no changing. At first, I walked away from the church, but I missed it so much. I was reading the bible one day, remembering how much fun I had reading it over the years, learning and studying, and suddenly I thought, what if those bible verses didn't mean what I'd been taught they meant? Churches use different bible verses to teach different things all the time. Some say that the bible says you're supposed to speak in tongues, some say those verses about speaking in tongues don't really mean that, and if different people can believe so many different things from reading the same bible verses, what if I'd been missing out on something? I started studying, reading all those books I listed for you guys, talking to other Christians who went to churches that told them it was ok to be gay...I go here, to this United Church of Christ now, and they tell me it's ok for me to be gay. It's weird to go to church and hear that. But it helps. I'm still learning every day. But I don't feel as trapped as I used to feel in church. I feel like God is giving me room to figure this all out. I don't want other people to feel trapped, either. So I wanted people to come study the bible here with me and see if we could figure this out together.”80

“I don't want to go to hell,” Mark said.81

“Me either,” Kallie replied.82

“So you don't think you're going to hell anymore?” he asked. “You don't think being gay is a sin?”83

“Sometimes I still do,” she said. “But sometimes I don't. And the times I don't think that it's a sin are starting to feel truer than the times I do.”84

“That sounds like a good feeling.”85

“It is.”86

Mark took the book list out of his bag, glanced at it, then at Kallie. “Thanks,” he said. He turned to go.87

“You're welcome,” she said to his back as he walked out of the room. She hoped he'd come back next week. She hoped they all would.