Marni looked up from her plate and, for the first time, raised her eyes to meet Michael’s. Her gaze fell and began to trace the wrinkles of his face like a finger to a roadmap, pausing at the worn out scowl of his mouth and dropping to his hands. They lay on the dinner table, hardened and calloused with old age and hard work. 1
“Come on. Let’s have you lie down, yeah?” Marni said, rising. She began to gather the silverware from the table to soak overnight.2
“No,” Michael murmured “We ought to wash the dishes first.”3
“We’ll put them into the sink and let Anna take care of them in the morning.” She walked around the table to help him out of his seat. 4
Michael’s bones protested as he rose, a full 6’8, and grimaced at the feel of standing after so long. He kept one hand gripped on his daughter’s elbow, the other placed on the back of his chair.5
“Are you ready, dad?”6
“Just give me a moment. Jesus, with you kids these days it’s always go go go. No time to stop and look at the scenery.”7
“The scenery in our kitchen?”8
“I said give me a minute.” Michael took a deep breath and began to slowly lead the way to the guest room.9
They arrived. He lay on the bed complacently while she shuffled around in the desk drawer for his medicine, coming back triumphantly with two white pills and a glass of water.10
“Lift your head for just a moment…there we are.”11
“It was a lovely dinner.”12
“Anna is a fantastic cook. Just one more to swallow…”13
“It was a shame Russell couldn’t stay longer. One should do for tonight, bubbala. I‘m not in too much pain.”14
“Just to be on the safe side. It’s not too much of a burden. Russell works so much, it’s a miracle we got him here in the first place. There we are. Do you want me to bring in a newspaper?”15
“No. Just turn out the light when you leave. I think I’ll be sleeping for quite a while.”16
“Alright.” Marni rose from the side of the bed and walked towards the door. She placed one hand on the light switch and, as an afterthought, said: “Sleep well.”17
“You too, my dear.”18
She waited one second longer, then turned out the light.19
Comments
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Exceptional excerpt.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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very nice
gives for an interesting first chapter, eh? i would definetly continue this, the conversation that went on between the characters was brilliantly written and was very funny at points. I especially loved the kitchen scenery discussion
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Very well written, especially considering it was an excerpt.
The same as when you read my story, real-life fiction isn't normally my favorite, but this kept my attention with the detail and dialog.
Speaking of the dialog, the only thing I might suggest would be to give, on a couple lines, more indication of the tone or way in which the words were said. I think it's fairly easy for a reader to assume the correct tone, however, so this isn't really a problem at all.
I'm especially impressed after viewing your profile and seeing your age. You are very talented, and have so much opportunity before you.
Congratulations on a great write.
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Hm. I liked it, are you going to continue? I think this has the outline to turn into something, but it needs to be a bit longer. The detail was spot on, I really enjoyed that, I just would have liked to have it not be cut off so soon. If your struggling with a way to make it longer, embellish on the middle for example bringing in who some of the other characters were, I would have liked to know who Russell was in relation to the scene. I think it's a great start, and would love to read more.
Hope this is helpful
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