Eyes-chapter 4

I stood in front of the large grandfather clock, watching the second hand move, counting the moments since I had first come to stand there, “117…118…119…4th minute…121…122.”1

“Kanako, do you want to sit down and rest?” A servant called from a royal blue chair that sat in the back of the room between the window and a bookshelf.2

I stopped counting and looked over my shoulder at her, I could hardly tell the direction in which she looked with the dark sunglasses she wore on. But by the angle of her head, it was easy to see that she was staring with empathy at my feet. Both were wrapped in bandages, from my ankles to my toes.3

After the bathroom situation Nana, having taken several classes of nursing in her early years, had decided to take care of me. While I squeezed a red stress-ball, Nana had carefully plucked all the glass fragments from my feet with tweezers. It had probably been the most painful experience of my life so far, but after some pain medication and rest, three days later I was finally allowed to leave my room and walk around with the constant observation of the newly hired servant, Dulcy, who currently sat in the royal-blue chair.4

I ignored her and returned my focus to the clock, but by this point I had lost my place and had no idea how many seconds had passed since I had redirected my attention.5

“12 seconds.”6

I turned around quickly, ignoring the sharp pain in my soles. “What did you say?”7

“I said it has been 12 seconds, but now it’s been 18 seconds.”8

“How did you know?”9

“How did I know what?”10

“What I was thinking.”11

“I have no idea what you’re thinking, Kanako.”12

I clenched my hands into fists, “take off your sunglasses.”13

Dulcy reached up and removed them giving me a strange look with her brown eyes.14

“Sorry.”15

I turned away from her, embarrassed by my paranoid actions, besides what difference would it have made if her eyes had been blue. Just her color alone wouldn’t have made it possible to read my mind or anything. I blushed wondering why I even thought that such supernatural abilities existed.16

“Do you have a fever?”17

“No!” My face flushed further and I tried to focus on the clicking the clock made with each passing moment.18

The room was filled with silence for a good several minutes before Dulcy finally spoke, “It may not be my place to ask, but why are your eyes that color.”19

I refused to respond and blinked away tears, why had I been born such a freak?20

Dulcy broke the silence again a few minutes after her first question, “I ask only because they are so beautiful.”21

“Liar,” I whispered, memories of Dr. Bernē returning.22

“It’s true,” Dulcy stated. “I don’t know why you hate them, they’re absolutely stunning.”23

I shook my head and tried to ignore her putting all my concentration into the clock’s ticking. I heard the chair’s spring’s creak a bit as Dulcy stood; her footsteps were soft and gentle as she padded towards me. I continued to disregard her, even as she stood behind me. But when she tapped my shoulder I grew frustrated and brushed her off, she tapped my shoulder again in response, “What?” I flipped around and Dulcy only smiled.24

She pulled her shades off and I stood still as she placed them on my face. “Are they comfortable?”25

I began to laugh oddly, infuriated by this woman’s actions, “you said my eyes are beautiful, didn’t you.”26

She nodded and smiled, “they’re gorgeous.”27

“If you think they are so pretty.” I yanked her sunglasses from my face and flung them across the room, tears forming at the corner of my eyes, “then why did you give me something to cover them up?”28

Dulcy’s eyes widened, stunned by my sudden outburst, and then her face returned to its original calm, “I merely thought you’d feel better wearing something over them.”29

“I’m proud of these eyes!”30

Dulcy smiled gently, “if you’re so proud of them, then why did you become so angry when I mentioned that I liked them as well?”31

“Because I know you don’t!”32

“And you know how?”33

“Because no one else does!” Tears rolled down my cheeks and I was unsure of how to react to this woman.34

Dulcy wrapped her arms around me and patted my back, “that doesn’t mean everyone hates them, Kanako.”35

I relaxed in her arms and squeezed my eyes shut, it was this one moment that seemed to melt away the previous anxieties. I was certain this person was telling the truth, unlike Dr. Bernē’s coldness, and Nana’s being senile, Dulcy knew what she was doing, and she seemed sure that she was amorous of my eyes; and somehow her determined emotion drew me to surety that she was neither lying nor exaggerating.36

We sat down on the white couch and I consoled myself in the fact that this person was different. I listened to the gentle tick of the clock but didn’t glance at the time, for the moment it didn’t matter.37

Suddenly I saw past the darkness, and came to the reality of the red glow stretching across my vision. Realization that Dulcy had not spoken to me in the past three days, and after less than a minute I was enjoying her company.38

I jerked my eyes open and pulled away, suddenly realizing how ersatz Dulcy’s warmth was. She gave me a questioning look as I hobbled away, wondering why I had ever tried to become close to such a bizarre person. The previous notion of comfort was replaced by wariness and nostalgia of previous experiences of the similar.39

I looked at the clock’s hands, suddenly unable to concentrate on the ticking. Then back at Dulcy who stared at me intently, and returned my concentration to the clock, wondering when reality had become so foreign and constantly changing. I looked back at Dulcy for second time; if I returned to her comfort would I be at ease?40

I shook my head, my emotions felt confusing to me. I kneeled to the floor and rested my head in my hands, a headache forming at my temples and behind my eyes. Dulcy stood and began towards me, “are you ok.”41

I screamed and clawed my hands at the air, and she stopped walking. I opened my eyes, the headache fading to confusion, and looked up Dulcy returned the same confused expression. She knelt down next to me and ran her fingers through my hand. I cringed and moved away from her touch.42

“Do your parents know?”43

I followed her gaze; the edge of my dress had come up slightly revealing rough crescent-shaped scabs, and one or two pale scars. “Those are from the glass.”44

She gave me a shocked look, “does shattered glass rain on you on a regular basis?”45

“No.”46

Dulcy let out a sigh, “I’m not going to make you tell me why you’d do something like that to yourself.” She looked away, “but if you keep doing that I’m going to have to tell you parents.”47

I smirked, “Just try, my parents are way too busy to deal with you.”48

“Even if it pertained to your safety?”49

I nodded wondering if she would tell them anyway and wished I’d given a more convincing story than falling glass.50

“What about Sarah?”51

“You mean Nana?” I paled; I couldn’t hurt Nana any worse than I already had, “please don’t.”52

“I told you already,” Dulcy wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight. “I’m not going to tell anyone as long as you stop.” She pulled away and met my eyes, “promise?”53

I nodded slowly, unsure of whether or not to keep the promise. Dulcy would leave in a few more days and then I wouldn’t have to worry. I smiled slightly, trying to look as innocent as I possibly could, “it’s a promise.”54

If Dulcy knew I was lying she said nothing more on the subject and stood, brushing off non-existent dust with a single hand before offering it to me. I stared at her outstretched hand questioningly before I grabbed it, and Dulcy helped me to my feet.55

“How old are you?”56

Dulcy pointed at herself, “me?”57

“There’s no one else in the room,” I noted a sarcastic edge in my voice.58

“That’s impolite to ask.”59

“You seem rather juvenile.”60

An expression of hurt flashed across her eyes for a moment, “you’re rather childish yourself.”61

I smiled and hugged Dulcy, “I meant it in the good way silly, you’re really fun.”62

Dulcy smiled and patted my head her eyes still hinted sadness, but at least now she was smiling, “thank you, Kanako.” Dulcy closed her eyes for a moment, and leaned closer to whisper in my ear, “Just remember our little agreement.”63

I didn’t reply but smiled and looked at the ground, if anyone were to find out, it was probably best that it was Dulcy. She pulled away and looked at me, and I suddenly had another realization. In one week and four days, I would be in Dr. Bernē’s examination room, far from the safety of my house.64

I had eleven days to get out of this; there was no way I would go to the freak sister of someone as awful LeAnne. I blinked tears away, no, LeAnne wasn’t awful. She was a good person whose well needed job was ended by a spoiled girl who injured herself with her nails.65

It wasn’t until then that I realized that Dulcy was right; this whole ordeal began when I dug my nails into my own flesh. But even if I deserved it, I couldn’t deal with that icy woman even once more. I clenched my hands into fists, I was going to get out of the appointment first, and then I would make up my actions to LeAnne.66

I grabbed Dulcy’s wrist, “Hey Dulcy?”67

“Yeah?” I looked up and met her twinkling eyes.68

“How far would you go to fix a mistake?”69

“Another person’s mistake,” I looked into her eyes but she looked away.70

“I wouldn’t,” Dulcy returned her gaze and smiled. “Fixing a mistake is one of the stupidest ways to make a mistake. There is no way to completely fix something once it has been broken, no matter what you do it was still a mistake that occurred and nothing can change that.”71

“That’s not true!”72

“Either way, I don’t condone such acts. If you want to make it better you’d have to completely redo everything; start over, and as far as we know that is impossible.”73

I turned away and started walking for the door, it was a mistake to ever bring it up, and it wasn’t as if Dulcy would risk her job to help me. “You’re wrong,” I whispered angrily.74

“Where are you going by yourself?”75

“I’m going to take a nap,” I hurried towards the stairs but stopped at the base when I realized Dulcy was following me. “Leave me alone,” I commanded, facing her.76

“You’re not allowed to be alone, that’s why they hired me.”77

I turned away and began running up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, I took a right towards my bedroom and whacked my arm on the edge of the wooden rail; but only bit my lip and continued. I stopped at the door and looked behind me; Dulcy wasn’t even coming up the stairs.78

I walked to my bed and felt my bruised arm; Dulcy had said the only way to fix my mistake would be to completely redo everything. I rolled over and pushed my face into my pillow, I wasn’t sure how to react to her response. Strangely I didn’t feel as upset as I knew I should be.79

I lay there a few moments staring at the ceiling, and my breathing slowly steadied. Dulcy’s had been so unexpected, I was unsure of whether my confusion was due to shock or just that I didn’t like Dulcy enough to care.80

I closed my eyes and tried to calm the pressure beginning to build behind my eyes. My bedroom smelled oddly of disinfectant; likely from the time Nana had spent cleansing the cuts in my feet.81

I rolled around on my bed enjoying the comfort of the bed spread and mattress, stopping in the direction of my closet, the doors had been left open. I stood and began towards the closet, possible by some compulsive habit I usually kept all doors and cabinets shut. On reaching the wardrobe I pulled the cord, blinded for a moment by the surprisingly bright 100 watt light bulb.82

I kneeled and picked up a single sandal, alone on the floor of my closet and placed it back on the white shelf. My fingers gently traced across the backs of my other shoes. One pair in particular, white tennis-shoes with grey and red stripes caught my attention. I wasn’t sure where or when I had received them, but noted their seemingly new appearance drawn out by the lack of dirt or discoloring on their bright white bodies.83

With steady hands I removed both from their places and slipped them onto my bare feet over the bandages. By this point in the day the strips of cloth were beginning to wear and the tape on the edges was beginning to peel off. The cuts stung slightly as the pressure of the shoes was induced.84

I stood the sense of strength and newly acquired speed that came when one placed on a new pair of shoes instantly set in. For some reason I just had to leave. All reasoning and intelligence faded, I just had to get out of my prison.85

Whether it was brought on by the new shoes, or by Dulcy’s response, I neither cared nor thought about it. This decision, I promised myself that moment, would be the first choice that I would make myself.86

I stripped out of my tan dress and scavenged my bedroom drawers and closet for good pants and shirts, laying them on my bed. I selected a pair of baggy brown pants and a blouse I was unsure how long had laid on the back of my dresser, and slipped them on. On pulling up my pants I came to the conclusion that taking off my shoes first would have been more intelligent, and after several minutes of struggling I managed. I quickly checked my reflection in the mirror before stuffing the remainder of my selected outfits into a large duffel bag whose original purpose was unknown; along with underwear and socks.87

As silently as possible, I checked the hallway and hurried to the bathroom where I packed the toiletries I assumed I would need. It was only when someone knocked on the bathroom door that I decided now was probably not the best time to leave and hid my bag in the tub before opening the door, only to meet my guardian’s soft eyes.88

Nana led me to the bedroom while complaining that I shouldn’t have been left alone. though it was only 7:00 she had decided that rest was probably for the best and tucked me in, kissing my forehead before she turned out the light and left. Internally I planned to wake up at 11:30 when most servants would be heading to their quarters to sleep.89

There was not a hint of doubt in my mind on my current plans until I woke up at 10:15 with depression pressing over my mind. The edges of furniture pressed through the darkness as I stood feeling a slight bit of hunger from the little I had eaten for dinner earlier. My arrangement and preparation now seemed futile and stupid. The lack of planning and idea of where I would go only made worse, what little belief I now had in even my own reasoning.90

I walked downstairs, still clothed in my baggy pants and blouse, which I now wondered why Nana had asked nothing about. The kitchen seemed oddly lifeless without the sounds of cooking and smell of foods. The room was currently lit by a small light over the stove and I didn’t bother to turn on more lights for fear of drawing attention to myself.91

The cupboards all contained either my family’s fine china dishes or ingredients that Master Chef Masaharu Morimoto used. With a gentle sigh I opened the fridge and pulled a container of spring water from the top shelf. In the back of the cupboard over the sink were several small silver containers that had screw-on lids. I poured the clear water to the brim of each container and snuck them upstairs to the bathroom.92

By the time the bag was full and closed, the glass clock on the counter read 10:45. I sat on the edge of the tub torn over what to do; I no longer felt a strong need to leave, and wondered how I ever even got the idea to commit such a stupid act.93

When I looked back at the bag a flash of anger scorched my temples. I grabbed the glass clock and shoved it into the largest pocket in my pants. With sudden realization, I remembered the promise I had made earlier, this would be my first decision. My reasons didn’t matter, this was important for solely the reason that it was my own first decision.94

The recently replaced overhead lights reflected off a decent sized chunk of glass that that had somehow become hidden behind the clock. I reached out and brushed my hand against it, withdrawing when my finger stung. I held my hand in the light, a droplet of blood growing on the right corner of my finger where the skin had been sliced.95

Like a tear, the red blood rolled down my hand, and was soon accompanied by my crying. I fell to my knees, my hands clutching the cold counter’s edge. My knuckles grew as white as the tiles as my grip grew tighter, the pain from my finger encouraging the throbbing in my chest.96

I removed one hand and slapped myself, digging my nails into my leg; this was no time to feel sorry for myself. I stood and looked at the bloody oval, seeming to pop out against the blinding white. Glancing in the mirror I grabbed the glass and stuffed it into the large pocket on the opposing side of my pants the clock took residence in.97

With the bag slung over my shoulder, I turned off the light and hurried to my bedroom, where I carefully slid on the clean white tennis-shoes lying next to my bed. After tying my shoes in double knots I crept down the stairs and into the foyer where I became frozen in front of the door, my hand inches from the handle.98

The sight of the garden brought and the darkness brought on the emotions I hadn’t felt in several days and with them the longing to escape. I grabbed the cold handle and pushed the door open, the scents and sounds of the night only drew me further out into the yard. The air was wet and cool against my skin.99

Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a blue mustang parked in the driveway, I stepped towards it, my shoes crunching in the roads rocky gravel. I reached out a hand and felt its cool painted metal, wishing I owned a car, or had some way to fast speeded travel.100

With sudden realization I glanced towards the gate wondering how I’d even get past that flaw in my plan. I returned my gaze to the car and suddenly realized I’d forgotten sleeping arrangements. I didn’t have a pillow or blanket, and without a coat I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through any cold weather.101

With a sigh, I began too the door, realizing how stupid I’d been. I had no use for a plan or decision that would only get me killed or hurt. In the end, it was obvious I was safer at home, and once more I began to question my own values.102

Suddenly I stopped, as a shadow pressed against the front door. I backed away getting ready to run; this whole idea was stupid, I was stupid. The door handle turned, and I backed into the car, frozen by fear and the touch of the cold metal against my back; unable to move. A figure stepped out and I found my eyes locked with Dulcy’s who seemed not the least bit shocked to see me.