Chapter 21

Chapter 211

Death is a funny thing. Not like ‘haha’ funny. Wouldn’t that just be so morbid? It’s funny in the way that it can be contagious like a disease. A fatal disease. 2

One month later, in the middle of February, on a cold night Donnie decided to shoot himself. In his bedroom. 3

His little sister, Caralynn, found him when she went to go ask him for homework help. I can only imagine the horror and sickness she felt at the sight of her brother’s brain matter splattered across the wall and carpet floor. Shudder.4

I don’t go to his funeral and am asked a million questions about why. I don’t lie; I tell them that I’m too busy. I do go visit his grave a few days after his burial though. Just me. Just to say bye. He left a suicide note too. Shorter than Arianna’s, “I’m sorry.” 5

That’s all it said. I’m sorry. People say I’m sorry doesn’t fix anything and I won’t disagree because they are completely right. “I’m sorry” will not bring Arianna back. But I will say this, I’m sorry plus the brain matter explained a whole lot to me. I later on learned that Donnie’s dad is abusive towards his mother. And I feel bad for yelling at him so much. But I’m not sorry. 6

I’ve been busy because well, Arianna’s dad left a few days after her funeral and her mother literally went crazy and ended up at a hospital. 7

I’d packed up my things and left the house in my little car to find an apartment. I’ve been hotel hopping for the past couple days. The counselors at school helped. They found out what was going on and helped me switch to night school so that I could work during the day. Oh yeah, I got emancipated. Hallelujah! 8

He is of course still around. Mocking my every move just about. But I’ve learned to block Him out. And I know who He is. 9

He is me. And I am Him.10

There’s no other explanation. Except for my subconscious has taken a visual form in my mind. Crazy? 11

Probably. 12

Do I really care?13

Yeah, kind of. 14

Am I going to go see a doctor?15

Hell no. 16

I’ve learned to deal and I’ve learned to cope. 17

I know I’m going to see Arianna some day. When my time comes. Now is not my time. I’ve got places to go, people to see, friends to meet, dreams to accomplish. I’ve got hearts to mend, hearts to break and a heart of my own to mend, break and blow to pieces. And until my day comes I’ll live life the best I can. Carpe diem! Seize the fucking day. Take it by the hands and just fly. Go with it. 18

I quit cutting for reasons I feel unnecessary to explain. I deal with my pains in a new way. I started going to church. I haven’t been to church since I was ten. But I go now. Not to listen to the priest. I go for the stories and I go to talk to mom and Adam and Arianna. I go to pray for the Costa’s and my dad. Sometimes I wonder about him. How he’s doing and if he even misses me. I hope he does. 19

I miss him. 20

Aiden and I are together now. I’m so thankful I realized what a jerk Cole is sooner rather than later. Sometimes we’re so blind to the good things in our lives and sometimes it’s too late. I’m happy it wasn’t too late.21

Everyone’s been doing okay. We don’t go to counseling anymore. But we do get together every weekend and have dinner in memory of Arianna. We talk about our memories and then go visit her. We bring her new flowers every time. Just a bouquet of pink roses. Her favorite. 22

My whole life seems to have been going down a drain. Getting darker and darker with no hopes of ever surfacing. I’ve decided to stop this. Hitting these “new lows”. What about a new high? And I don’t mean like a new drug. I quit all that. I thought it helped but it didn’t. Everything just got worse. 23

A new high like when I got a new job that pays better. And when I found out I really could pass the eleventh grade. And when I finally coped with my Mom and Adam’s and Arianna’s and even Donnie’s deaths. 24

It’s like I’ve had my eyes closed my whole life and have finally opened them. I refuse to close my eyes anymore. 25