I spent 14 years running from terror, from pain, from life. 1
My father left a lovely morning in May. My mother was alone with a toddler (almost four) and five months pregnant with me. 2
Mid October I took my first breath to the beginnings of a life that held promise of fortune, fame, happiness…boy was I naïve.3
My father, in his finite wisdom told my brother as he was walking out that he was the man of the family. Now to a three year old, you might be able to imagine what that young boy thought at that moment. I certainly can't.4
My mother, forced to work to raise two young boys, left us alone with each other a lot after she realized she couldn't afford sitters and she figured that we couldn't do much damage in the three hours we were alone together after school (summer was filled with summer camp).5
Well…6
My brother first hit me when I was at the age of four. From then on, he realized that he had power over me… He became the judge, jury, and executioner. I could do no wrong, or else he was there… at the ripe old age of eight.7
Now you may think that this couldn't possibly be true… I found out later that, my brother was treated this way by an aunt of ours that occasionally would watch us, so if you follow the train back far enough, you’ll find the abuser of my aunt, and back all the way to God knows where and God knows who.8
I know I said I wouldn't repeat myself but…9
Hit the first time at the age of four… hit the last time at the age of 18 when my brother out weighed me by close to 60 pounds and stood about four inches taller than I did.10
I had long hair, and my mom's nemesis, my bangs, hung nearly to the tip of my nose. It was easier to hide.11
The last time he hit me, he shoved me to the floor, sat on my back, grabbed fist-fulls of my hair and repeatedly slammed my face into the hardwood, and it's called that for a reason. I had bruises all down one side of my face and across my forehead, but they were easy to hide behind all that hair.12
...13
I was Mom's favorite… I was the baby… I was the one that looked more like her… I had her eyes, her hair color, her cheekbones… 14
I don't say that to rub it into the wound that my father created in my brother that still hasn't healed, I just say it because it’s true. Mom didn't mean to choose, but she chose me because I was affectionate, when my brother was aggressive. I was agreeable when he was evasive.15
This became a bad thing for me growing into my teenage years as he had more reason to hate me and I had more reason to run. 16
Mom could do nothing about the abuse that went on at one point almost every day from the age of 13 to the age of 17. I can't blame her… she didn't know what to do and everything she tried ended up with him in a worse place than before.17
I won't repeat myself again.18
I am now 34 years old. My brother and I hardly speak. Mom passed away a year and a half ago and she was the last link severed between he and I.19
The pain and the scars that I carry only show the surface of things. The abuse I went through because I was there when he decided I needed to be vented on continues to haunt me.20
I cannot trust people because of it. I am in constant need of re-asserting myself because my self esteem has been dead and buried since the age of four when the first hand struck. I have been dead inside to love, faith, and hope since I started equating the “people that are supposed to love me the most”… blah blah blah…21
...22
I once, truly believed that, if I wasn't there I wouldn't be in pain;Simple in it's elegance isn't it?23
At the age of 12, I swallowed close to 200 aspirin. (it was all that was around)24
The lesson here is the fact that not only did I not die, but I woke up the next morning with a horrible ringing in my ears and everything else got the volume turned down so low that I might as well have been deaf.25
I have seen several psychologists and have NO use for them. They informed my mother of things that they thought they saw, rather than talking to me.26
The problem with suicide is that once the option is taken seriously, it becomes an option for everything... No matter how big, or how small.27
The last time I tried I was 18 and it was shortly after the last time he hit me.28
The scars only show on the inside.29
I won't repeat myself again.30
...31
I am unable to sleep through the night as sometimes the pain visits and I need an ER run to make it go away.32
The pain in my lower back, shoulders, and neck are from him… I drag myself from the bed every morning to take the hottest showers just so that I can lift my arms sometimes…33
After all this, I feel that I have become at the very least, reasonably well adjusted, however, I also feel that there is no one that will ever be able to understand the demon that hides just beneath the surface…34
I won’t repeat myself again.35
I have found myself in the longest relationships with other abuse victims, but it seems to me that either, their pain is more traumatic than mine and dominates how they react to me and my pain, or we just find ourselves in places neither of wants to be... two fucked up people can really only make one fucked up relationship...36
I live a life of cold, abrasive detachment all because of 14 years that I have yet to let go of. Sarcasm and a scathing wit keep most people away from me... They just don't know what they are getting into.37
I will never have children, as I know what is like to be on the receiving end and I just can't risk finding myself on the giving end.38
and besides...39
I won't repeat myself again.40
Author notes
This is not to be judged for Adrienne's contest... I was just inspired to write...
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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very emotional..
wow,i really feel for you.. and to think my dad was an alcholic..
we the girls were abused mentally,but omg what your brother did was almost unforgiveable..please see past that emotional turmoil and make a wonderful life for yourself..and perhaps children..not to preach at you..please rethink.. what you may be missin. friend in poetry and love in my heart for my friends ..
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There is nothing bad I can say about my Mom on this issue... She tried the best she could... A single mom raising two maladjusted boys... She would punish him and he would take out that anger on me... it was a vicious circle...
but I appreciate your words and your support...
But I wrote this for my Mom... knowing that she is indeed now an angel watching over me...
www.storywrite.com/Poem/1298753
no need to applaud or even comment, just wanted to show that I can't hold something against her that she had no control over... -
Dear Evkclown, somehow none of this surprises me, although, it does sadden me. I guess the hardest part for me to read about was that you still suffer physically. I guess time can heal a lot of wounds, but it would be harder when you are reminded of the pain. I wish there would have been more knowlege about abuse..you know if wishes were horses, but I do believe things just got harder if your mom tried to do anything about it. If you believe in angels, I would hope your mom was an angel that looked after you even today in some way. I'm sure your brother is none the happier about his lot in life, but that is the burden that we all carry...abused or abuser unless somehow we can seek refuge in getting help..then it still can haunt..Haunting story, thanks for having the courage to share it with us.
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Hey heys, dear evlclown. Evertime I read this, it makes me want to give you a REAL hug. So I guess right now an e-hug will have to do.
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No, not very astute of me actually. By observing the writes of people who've lived traumatic experiences in their lives, I discovered there was one major trait that recurred in each - indifference. And at this point I know it's a way for the mind to protect itself. Anyway. Well I wouldn't be able to forgive such a thing. It was strong of you to do so. I'm pretty much weak. And I understand the ending like you've just explained. Glad I did. And it was my pleasure. Such a great read
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Very astute of you... the emotional response I've been trying to cultivate towards the "adventures" of my past is something akin to apathy. I really just want to put it behind me...
I suppose if I got emotional about what happened (which I have very much so in the past) I'd probably cry my eyes out again... but as time passes the tears have dried and just left pitted streaks in my life, that cleanse for a moment, then I find more blocked memories that I wasn't ready for and steel myself to them...
The indifference is more for my own survival....
PB actually suggested I forgive... I have forgiven my brother for what he did.... but I just can't forget...
The repeating lines are me trying to convince myself that I won't allow that kind of pain into my life again... and a bit of a metaphor for I won't pass on these mistakes to anyone else.
Thank you for reading.
Edited on Aug 08, 9:11 because ''. -
Gosh. I've written that word 10 minutes ago now. I don't really know what to say. Anyway, I don't know what to say that hasn't been said. This ruined my day. It's not a bad thing. The saddest most moving stories and movies do that to me. So that's all for the best. This was written with so so much emotion. And still, you're the narrative voice in there and you don't seem to show much emotion. But we can still feel it. And I guess your slight indifference is also for the better. I've said that to someone else who's written for that contest: this reminds me of how Plath sounded so indifferent while writing of her depression. You know? Anyway. I think the repeated "I won't repeat myself" is quite ironic and a brilliant addition. It has impact for some reason. It's all just excellent. The ending is really thought-provoking. It ties everything up. It's just excellent. This whole story is excellent and incredibly heartfelt. I'm terribly sorry for what has happened to you
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Okay, now I'm back, but I have to re-read it.
~dudududu, elevator music~
Let me start with the end, and then comment from the begining on...okay. Deep breath. "I will never have children," ~ OF COURSE YOU WILL!!! IF I CAN FIND MY FUTURE LOVER DUDE, YOUR FUTURE LOVER DUDETTE WILL BE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE PAST!!! OKAY?? OKAY!!
Just had to say that.
I spent 14 years being myself, and I guess it's hard to comprehend being hit by someone you clearly loved. You know how when people die, people react differently?? Maybe it was the same, but with the whole traumatic leaving thing. That just, wow. Yeah.
I was born in october, too. Lovely month, october. I love the leaves and how they fall down. They're oh so pretty.
I don't remember what I did when I was four, some vague memories of my mom being round and us moving around a lot. I remember for my fourth birthday my mom was in the hospital giving birth to my brother and I watched the great mouse detective with my dad, and the nurses got angry when i layed down with my mom to tell her all about it. My brother was small and had a lot of problems, and I always felt like he overshadowed me with all his asthma. Yeah, sibling rivalry at it's best. Oh, also, I can't imagine how it must feel to be betrayed by someone, and I hope I never do. Lovers are a different story, though.
Hair does hide all, doesn't it?? I love when I come up from the pool and my hair is all covering my face, like a mask that came alive and hides me. Like all those superheroes I idolize. Brothers always have it the hardest, don't they??
Is it always like that? With parents having favorites?? What if your child becomes a monster, does unconditional love still apply?? What about the mothers of rapists and serial killers?? What do they say when their baby's face pops up on america's most wanted?? Just to say, though, wouldn't your mom's intervention snapped your brother back into reality?? Or was it reality when he was abusing you? Or was it just simply that you were smaller and he needed a punching bag??
I'm real sorry your mom has passed on, and you really should make ammends. EVERYTHING is forgiveable...even though the whole forgiving thing sucks. You should be confident, because, seriously, you're one of the best poets I've read...and faith is hard, 'cause you can't see it, but sometimes you can feel it. And isn't a feeling enough??
Sometimes living takes more courage than dying. Dying is the easy way out, and don't try to tell me otherwise. At twelve, I was wondering if I was normal and able to work out sixth grade. I can't imagine thinking of dying so young. You know that papa roach song?? "The scars remind us, the past is real. Tear my heart open, just to feel."?? Yeah, it's bull. Living is like a huge medal of honor, and everyone deserves one. Everyone.
Therapists and psychologists suck, just to tell you. They ask you noisy questions and they're not that open. My math tutor, it's like therapy. It's nice to talk to someone who has no idea who you are. I like that.
Yeah, I might not understand your demons entirely, but I've felt pain, and isn't all pain somehow related?? Every human on the planet should bond together because everyone's experienced pain, and maybe through collaboration with humanity, we could all find a cure. But we still choose to walk alone. Why IS that??
And relationships?? Yeah, never bond through pain when you're looking for a partner. All you do is remember how screwy you are, and that doesn't help. You need someone who will talk, but also make you forget, little by little, until everyday it hurts a little less.
No one can change you. Only you can change yourself. And I think that's the problem. People either live life wishing to be different or doing something about it. And then the people that wish, try to change other people because they can't change themselves. It's a weird concept, I know.
You don't need a warning sign strapped to you screaming: "HELLO!! I LIVE A COLD, DETTACHED, LIFE AND HAVE SCATHING WIT!! BEWARE!!" People will be with you beacuse they WANT to be. And maybe warnings just won't keep them away.
There's no need for you to repeat anything anyway, heard you loud and clear.
Simply stupendous work...this is definetly one of my favorite biographical essays of all time. You make me think too much.
Edited on Aug 04, 2:50 p.m. because 'spelling mistake, hate those things.'. -
Aww.. this is very tocuhing indeed.
Sorry that you went through all this
No one should of gone through this... not even you. I may not know you that well... but all of us are here for you if you need us
Hugs,
Eeyores Buddy 
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Awww, chico. I...I need to ponder my response now. I really need to think about how to comment. I'll write back later, 'kay?? &
Edited on Aug 03, 9:35 because ''. -
It was you that helped me here... I read your entry and didn't know what to say, I was thinking of what I wanted to say and stay away from the trite and sympathetic, because I know (and you said) that "you and only you know the gravity of the things you have endured" but nothing really came to fruition; then I heard a song that has the line "I won't repeat myself again, will not repeat myself again." and an hour later this was mostly written.... Thank you, I appreciate your comments and your caring very much.
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oh dear, this is truly awful and you have my sympathies. with all the crap I've been through, I always know it could have been worse and I can't imagine being hit on a regular basis. I am truly sorry for what you have been through. and I will not say I understand your pain because I believe that is one of the most ignorant things a peson can say, because you and only you can know the gravity of the things you have endured.
anyway, this part really stood out for me:
The pain in my lower back, shoulders, and neck are from him… I drag myself from the bed every morning to take the hottest showers just so that I can lift my arms sometimes…
Have you ever heard of fibromyalgia? Many people with traumatic pasts end up with this disorder. I have it. If you aren't familiar with it, I suggest you try to find a doctor who knows how to diagnose it and have him or her examine you. No one needs physical pain to add to the awful impact of their emotional pain.
with my best wishes,
Lea
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Wow, my life stunk, but not like yours. Yeah, you seem remarkably well adjusted to me considering what you went through. It does sound trite but I hope to find that one person who can help to open you up to all that good stuff out there.
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I agree with Adrienne, and I salute your courage.
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Thank you bro for writing such heartfelt emotions here, for entering although not sure why you don't want it judged- it's steller. Other than the fact that platitudes will only make you feel worse. It's so hard to write so honestly. You've done wonderfully and I hope... that it helps. All I can do is say that I hope it will get better. You deserve that life you seek
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