I looked up at her through my dark brown hair. "What?"1
"I'm Tina; what's your name?" the girl repeated. My stomach tightened with a tinge on resentment as I took in her appearance: blond hair that fell across her shoulders, blue eyes, and a lean strong body. She took my silence for distress and said, “Are you okay?” 2
“I’m fine. And my name is Crys.” I brushed my hair from my face and continued assembling my flute, hoping she would leave.3
“So, um, I was thinking of having the flute section over for dinner sometime,” Tina continued. “When would a good night for you be? I mean, you know, I want to make sure everyone can come.”4
“Whenever.” I didn’t plan on coming anyway.5
“Okay, I’ll let you know when it is.” She pranced away to spread the word about her little party as I followed her with my eyes. Oh, God. Am I gonna have to put up with this all semester? She should go be a cheerleader slut. I rolled my eyes at the thought and found my seat. 6
“This is third period concert band, and I’m Mr. Hellmen...” My mind wandered, and didn’t stop until sixth period, when I found myself sitting next to Tina, again. 7
“Whoa! We have study hall together, too?” she exclaimed, setting her books next to mine. She didn’t wait for a reply. “Hey, why didn’t you do marching band?”8
“I was taking psychology.”9
“Did you like it?”10
“It was okay, but-” I was forced to stop for roll call. 11
“Crys Johnson.”12
“Here.”13
“Tina Johnson.”14
“Here!” Tina turned to me. “Wow! We even have the same last name! It must be fate.” She diddled, evidently caring a lot more than I did. “Anyway, how was psychology?”15
Surprisingly, Tina wheedled topic after topic out of me as we whispered thought the period. Her flippant, bubbly personality made me feel like I could trust her to listen without judgment or question. We even ended up deciding to have dinner at my house on Friday. 16
The week went by, uneventful overall, but Tina and I grew surprisingly close at a fast pace, and I began to believe that things could be different. I still refused to open up to her, but I always looked forward to sixth period, when we would pass notes under our desks and giggle quietly at the thought of breaking up with her boyfriend for the leader of the In-The-Know club, who sat in front of us. 17
Tina came over around seven Friday, and after failed efforts at making something, we ordered pizza. “Hey, do you want to stay over?” I asked. “You can borrow something to sleep in.”18
“Sure, just let me call my mom to let her know.”19
I put the pizza box in the trash can as she called. A few minutes later, she came in the kitchen with an ashen face, and on the verge of tears.20
“What’s up?”21
“Oh, my mom doesn’t c-care,” she said, trying her best not to cry. 22
“M-k...are you alright?”23
“I’m fine.”24
Just then, the doorbell rang. “Who is it?” Tina asked. 25
“I think it’s your boyfriend.”26
“Really? What’s he doing here?”27
She went to the door, a little smile on her face, evidently hoping her would cheer her up. I listened from the next room in spite of myself.28
“Hey.”29
“Hey.”30
“So, what are you doing here?”31
“I think we should break up.”32
Tina just looked at him. “You’re kidding me, right?”33
“No.” He looked at the ground.34
“Steven, don’t, don’t do this to me, please.”35
“I-“ his voice trailed off. “There’s someone else.”36
I didn’t hear the rest. I knew that he was talking, but my mind seemed to fall, to fail, into the blackness I’d fought so long and so hard to keep at bay. Tina, I thought, was my savior. I had a faint perception of Tina running to the bathroom upstairs, and the sounds of sobbing and the toilet flushing floating down towards me. Then, suddenly, came the anger.37
“WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE ME?!” I screamed, banging the walls. “First, my mom starts drinking, AGAIN, and now this?! I DON’T FUCKING NEED THIS ANYMORE.”38
Tina walked down the stairs, shaking, but calm. “Are you alright?”39
“Do I seem ‘alright’?” I said, malice dripping from every word. “I hate you. I hate you. You failed me and I hate you.”40
“No, it’ll be okay, really. Really.”41
“You said that last time. You promised that if I played by your rules I would be okay. And now look at me. I’m back at where I began, only the scars are faded. You said- 42
But no more.”43
“Crys, don’t do this, please. You can get through it, you have before.”44
“Yeah, well, maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I’m sick of the games and the smiles. Maybe this can all be over, right now.”45
“What do you mean?” Her voice cracked, and she chased after me as I went for the gun that was in my mom’s room. “Crys! Please!”46
“No.”47
We stood in silence, both waiting, but neither sure what was approaching. 48
“You understand, I know it,” I said, quiet this time.49
She looked up at me through that damned blond hair, dark brown roots just starting to show, blue tinted contacts sliding off center. 50
“I understand.” Her voice was hard and cold as the gun in my hand.51
A shot rang through the air, and in an instant, our body fell to the floor, leaking crimson. 52
Author notes
I've been working on this story for months, and any helpful comments are very much appreciated, and equally helful ones wil be returned!
okay, there have been many questions about this and to clear things up, I shall explain:
-Crys is a girl, and is not Tina's boyfriend
-Crys and Tina are revealed as being the same person at the end ("our body fell to the floor").
-there are clues that they're the same, if you pay attention: same last name, first names, Crys and Tina (Crystina), and then the confusing (it's supposed to be unclear until the end, is it way too much?) ending where Crys is upset over Tina's bf, and refers to Tina's mom as her own (angry about mom's drinking).
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Thanks for the notes. I did catch the dual persona for the poor girl. It was on these lines that threw me a bit and made me unsure if I was correct: It was okay, but-” I was forced to stop for roll call.
“Crys Johnson.”
“Here.”
“Tina Johnson.”
“Here!” Tina turned to me. “Wow! We even have the same last name! It must be fate.”
Maybe you should put in how the teacher called that roll and missed that the same person answered under the two names. Like class size, maybe she sat way in the back of a lecture all alone. This was a terrific story and does keep the reader on edge. Just loved it. Especially as you mentioned the psychology class...lol. It truly fits!
rose
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Wow...that's amazing!! I really like it!! When you told me about this story I thought it'd be more like self-harm then suicide like many other stories I've read, but no. This one is completely different and soooooo good. Great job!! You've done an outstanding job on this and all that hard work for months has paid off...it's a fantastic piece of writing!! Awesome story!!!!
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This is very good. The split personality is done very well and I really like this idea. I think the story needs more a little more elaboration on why the suicide happens. What is the pyschological pain and conflict. Other than that, this is really good. - joanne
Edited on Aug 04, 9:18 p.m. because ''. -
As soon as I read the "Our body hit the floor", i figured it out that Crys has a split personality. Good job and keep writing.
Tears
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great i love it i wish i could write like that
i understood it because i erad over it like 3 times lol so yeah it is awesome -
Hmmm... I was very confused and thought you had made some mistakes with your identifiers, but then your author comments cleared things up. I think your explanation is good, and the story is very, very interesting! Interesting take. She has split personalities and she's making up conversations with her other half in her head... Weird! But cool.
I think you need some more clues in the story to help the reader know that these are the same person. Like maybe Crys should be introduced as Crystina but going by Crys... And Tina as Christina but going by Tina... One or both, I dunno. I think there should also be other clues, especially to help the reader know that Crys is female. Maybe she should also have a bf named Steven? I dunno.
Great write, and best of luck!!!
Kyla -
it's meant to be slightly confusing, because in the end, you find out Tina and Crys were 2 sides of the same person.
and Crys is a girl -
Nicci: it's meant to be slightly confusing, because in the end, you find out Tina and Crys were 2 sides of the same person.
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KnockinOnHevenzDoor: it's meant to be slightly confusing, because in the end, you find out Tina and Crys were 2 sides of the same person.
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To be perfectly honest, this is full of holes, why did he kill himself, that wasnt made clear, why did he go from hating her to loving passing notes in like a few short paragraphs, what change made him like her, it just doesnt make since.Nice try though.
Donovan -
GREAT
She looked up at me through that damned blond hair, dark brown roots just starting to show, blue tinted contacts sliding off center.
“I understand.” Her voice was hard and cold as the gun in my hand.
This is so perfect...Even the beautiful are not perfect... -
Wow this was really really good. The only thing at the end I was confused did her ex bf leave? Who exactly is she yelling at and our body does that mean crys or tina or both? Just needs a little brush ups here and there at the end but other wise I loved it!
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World Best Suicide
oh...this was the most well-written suicide ever. No one couldhave ever written that better than you. Great write! -
Crys and Tina were the same person. Two different sides right?? I thought it was a good story keep up the good work.
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wow....i loved this...but i didnt understand it too well, why was the guy wanting to kill himself after finding out that Tina's bf had broken up with her?
sorry if i seem dense by asking, but i dont get it
good job though, keep up the great work
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