The Interview

I’m supposed to do this each time a new body checks into the place. It’s really quite easy - ask them a few questions, general things like what’s your name, where were you born, did you enjoy your life - and sometimes, you get people like this guy. People that you have to stop for a second, because they’re too good to pass up. Here’s how my interview with Davey went, I hope you don’t mind me sticking around for it:1

State your name, please.2

“Davey Rhys Baxter. Was tha’ good then? See, I don’t mind so much of the Davey part of it. Didn’t hear the end of fuckin’ Baxter though ‘till well, now, I guess - female baker - nothing solid like - I don’t know, Archibald. (Though he was a giant prick with a big nose and no sense of humor at all.) Load of shite is what tha’ is. Parents thought if they stuck in the name Rhys I might make something of meself - but I never quite jumped on tha’ bandwagon. Ruling lands. Tha‘s for pretty blokes who‘re better pansying around than I am.”3

Any nicknames?4

“I remember me Mam used to use Dave when her panties were in a bunch about something or other. Sounds so fuckin’ uptight though - no no, Davey’s fine. Baxter isn’t such a bad one. Rhys is just for fuckin’ show so it just sits there lookin’ pretty.”5

So how did you get here, Davey?6

“Yesterday I fell out of a fuckin’ window. I got skewered like a goddamn ripe sausage. It was bullocks, the lot of it. But there’s a lot to tell yeh before we get to tha’ part. A whole lot.” 7

Oh?8

“Yeh see, it really all started when I was born. Bristol’s not a bad place and me parents weren’t a bad sort but - yeh know - everyone has that arsehole brother, don’t they? Gregory. My big ole priss of a brother. The bigger I got ‘round the middle the bigger his fuckin’ biceps seemed to get. He was two years older but his head might as well have had it’s own fuckin’ age because the bastard never let up. Every damned night right before bed he’d sneak into me room - you know, not doing any real fun stuff like we should’ve. No buildin’ forts together out of the linens and things, just stupid fuckin’ shite about how he wondered if me real parents were ever comin’ back to pick me up. He’d say he hoped it was soon - ‘cause I was eatin’ all the food in the house. Prick.”9

Davey, I really don’t need all -10

“But that wasn’t even the smuggest prat in me life. No, no. I got enrolled into one of those prissy fuckin’ schools and me Mam had to fix up the uniform so I didn’t look like a bloody packaged sausage. They played Cricket for fucksake. I was absolutely rubbish at it but - honestly - who wants to be good at a fuckin’ game like Cricket. Bunch of pricks whacking long wooden sticks at balls. Just look at tha’ sentence. I’ll pass on those wanks, thanks.”11

(At this point, Davey continues to talk. He was shite with exams. He was worse in front of a crowd. And he was probably clinically socially retarded. It didn’t help that his Dad really really insisted that the only suitable career for him to have was being a lawyer, like him.)12

“Actually, there were only two suitable careers for the ole man. You studied law or you studied religion. And I wasn’t goin’ be a fuckin’ clergyman. (No offense to the boss, o‘ course. Can he hear tha‘ out here?)”13

He can hear everything, yes.14

“Fuck.”15

He frowns on that too.16

“Yeh don’ understand, mate. I barely graduated an’ me wank of a brother Gregory he wen’ on and joined the British Army. The British fuckin’ Army! Smug bastard. Meanwhile me Mam was slippin’ me money through the post while I was holed up in me flat working for the local pub. It was jus’ downstairs! FUCK ME, it was Heaven! I mean - I’m sure real Heaven is nice an’ all - hope yeh’ll let me in an’ all - but workin’ an’ drinkin’ an’ workin’ where yer drinkin’ - now tha’s Heaven.”17

(It was nice, he says, to have his Dad off his back. He lost his virginity to a prostitute he picked up in Belgium while on a trip with his mates, and that’s kind of indication of what most of the years post-school were spent doing. Drinking, cleaning up shite, and taking trips he couldn’t afford around Europe. It’s probably where the pristine English accent he’d nursed in school finally broke into the muddled almost Cockney-like mess that it now is. Just spitting shit with the worst of characters.)18

“Fuck me, she was gorgeous. The Belgian prostitute, I mean. I told her, yeh know, stop whoring around - go marry a prince or somethin’ ‘cause you’re a fuckin’ queen among whores. She liked tha’ one. Anyway, after awhile I opened up me own fuckin‘ private-eye office. Ever read Sherlock? He‘s my fuckin‘ favorite bloke in the whole world. Not to be soundin‘ like an arse-licker but, he‘s got a good head on his shoulders. Along with Johnny boy (John Wayne) he’s on the top five list o’ people that will kick your arse in three different ways before you even realize it‘s a foot doin’ it. ‘Course, I - I couldn‘ be affordin‘ to get certified or anythin’ so the queerest set of people would show up on me doorstep. To be honest, I couldn’ even charge them eventually. They’d just sit in me office goin’ on about how their life was shite and things were all wrong, and the whole thing was a bag of shite. But after a few hours they’d be right as rain, they would. So I let ’em talk. I found a dog once - that was the biggest fuckin‘ mystery I solved. It was still absobloodylutely fantastic.”19

Hm. Alright. Well, how about we get to the end - what happened yesterday?20

“Wait - wait! Yeh can’t be rushin’ me mate! I haven’t even told yeh things I like and hate and - and - tha’s important yeh know!”21

Ok - ok. Well - erm... what do you like then?22

“Well I already told yeh about Sherlock. I fuckin’ love John Wayne. ‘If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.’ Who other than the ultimate bad arse would be able to talk about fuckin’ balls and hearts all in the same go? And I like Co-Co. He’s my stuffed monkey. No, you fuckin’ perv - not tha‘. A real plushed monkey. I’ve had the thing since I was - well - I had one just like him when I was ‘round kickin’ as a wee lad. Now I have a new Co-Co. He doesn’t really help me luck with the ladies, but he’s got a damned good attitude ’bout being dead and all. And - and my bubbly pipe. Because you’re not fuckin’ Sherlock without a damn pipe. And bubbles are jus’ fun. Fucksake, and I love Eggo waffles. Instant fuckin’ waffles - what is there not to like about tha’ equation? And - ”23

What about things you don’t like? You understand, there’s a line. These are usually much shorter.24

“Oh - right - right - sure. Dying flies. You know what I hate the most about a fuckin’ dying fly? It’s a fuckin’ dumbass is what it is. Dying flies think your face is it’s damn fuckin’ grave and fly right the fuck into it and jus’ about everything else it can get it‘s claws on. Hey, Mr. Fly, you’re dyin’ and that sucks - but can you do it the fuck out of me face? Christ. And hypnotists. Really fuckin’ creepy blokes. About on the same level as mimes, which was probably humanity’s worst decision right after crucifixion. And fuckin’ maps, I hate fuckin’ maps. Pile of fuckin’ balls. The worst thing about maps is tha’ they always point you in the wrong direction after givin’ you a false sense of security. Tiny little impossible text, a thousand roads just criss-crossing about like they’re at all decipherable. Can’t fold the damned things when you’re done with ‘em. (I’m pretty sure they come with a special anti-foldin’ mechanism.) Maps can sod the fuck off for all I care. Smug bastards. Gumball machines, I fuckin’ hate those. So you spend a good bit ‘o time diggin’ ‘round your pocket lookin’ for tha’ one coin you know is in the bottom of your jeans. Once you find it you stick it into the damned thing then you have to wait an eternity for that little ball to just get the fuck out. If I’m at a gumball machine lookin’ for a piece o’ gum I’m not interested in waitin’ a damn year for it to spiral it’s way down to me. Worse part of the whole thing is tha’ you always ended up with grape. I hate grape. Which leads me to… GRAPE. FLAVORED. THINGS. Blows me mind that grapes, which are not half bad on their own, can taste so damned fuckin’ bad in any other form. Lollipops, juice, popsicles - no one likes grape - why the fuck would you put in a grape flavored thing into anythin‘? You could call this grape discrimination in‘, but I believe all grape-flavored things should be put together, in a box, segregated from the yummier flavors.” 25

Well then.26

“I feel strongly ‘bout many things. You can ask me any ole time.”27

Okay Davey, you ready to talk about the end now?28

“Yeh, mate. Alrigh’ - I can get to the end now.” pause “I was cleaning out my shite, me Mam always told me I was a big pack-rat. Kept about just fuckin’ everything. Anyways, it was one of those days, and the window was open and it was rainin’ out like it always does in fuckin’ England and I’d just gotten a call that - well - one of the blokes I’d been tryin’ to help told me he didn’ need me anymore. The kid they were lookin’ for was dead, found them by the river jus’ yesterday. Fuckin’ stupidest thing in the world, killin’ kids. Why? They haven’t done but the right thing in simply existin’.”29

(Davey doesn’t usually get into serious ill-tempers but that’s when he was throwing out nearly everything in his office straight out his third story window and into the street. Papers, files, books, boxes, hell - he even threw out his first stuffed monkey, also named Co-Co - and that’s when he realized he’d actually thrown Co-Co out the window.)30

“FUCK ME. Tha’s what I was thinkin‘ as soon as the little plushed fella had left me hands. So I stick me head out the window then, but the rain made the sill all slippery an‘ shite and - poof! I fell.”31

(Perhaps it would be irony that his belly was the death of him. He might’ve been all right too, if he’d just fallen out the window and into the bushes at the bottom of his building. It was only three stories. Except he landed on the fence with the pike-like shit on the top and then he was nothing more than body kebob.)32

“My brother Gregory, the bastard, if he’d been around he’d had made some stupid comment about how the sausage finally got skewered. I might’ve been a cock-up but he was a fuckin’ arshole.”33

So now you’re here.34

“So now I’m here.”35

You know, I think it’s time you step in. We have a new Co-Co waiting for you.36

“Bloody fuckin’ hell - really?”37

Yeah, really. Oh, and Davey? If you’re wondering, Gregory didn’t make it in.