Who Am I? ( Chapter 13 )

Luca and I were standing out the front of my house, we had just gotten back from my grandmothers, god it felt weird saying that. We were there nearly all of that day. I didn’t want to leave but she had people coming over. She offered us to stay and meet them but I wasn’t ready to be introduced to a family I never knew about.1

Luca gave me a hug, I stood in his embrace; wishing the day wouldn’t end. It had been the best day I had, had in a long while. He was the sweetest guy in the whole world, he was my best friend and I knew he would do anything for me, but deep down I didn’t feel like I could do the same for him yet, I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer him.2

“So…I guess it’s back to reality tomorrow then right?” He said from out of nowhere.3

“What do you mean?” I asked.4

“Well I am not stupid. I know this isn’t going to happen. So it’s back to being just friends tomorrow?”5

I wanted to say no, I wanted to say I don’t want to be friends anymore. I wanted to say that I think I might love you, but I couldn’t. It would have been easy enough to just blurt it out but I fought it back. I had been through a lot lately, I was really emotional and confused and I didn’t want to go on a maybe. I didn’t want to hurt him like that. I could not do that to him. I cared about him too much.6

“Are you okay with that?” I finally said hugging him tighter. He squeezed me tight, so tight I couldn’t breathe. He leaned down and kissed me, a kiss I had never experienced before, it was the last kiss. I could feel it, I could feel him letting go of me.7

“You know what Hayleigh?” He said, I could hear soft sobs in his voice.8

“I know Luca. I know.” I cried putting my head down. I didn’t want it to end like this, but I knew it was over. I knew it couldn’t carry on like this anymore. Not when there was that many feelings involved. 9

“I can’t do it anymore, This hurts too much.”10

“I know and I am so sorry Luca. I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need.” 11

“It’s okay, I am dealing with it. I knew all day. I knew last night that this wasn’t going to go anywhere, but I knew you needed me; you were in pain, and I couldn’t let you feel like that. I would do anything for you Hayleigh but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be friends with you. I can’t be anything with you. I don’t want to see you again.” He said taking a few steps back.12

For the first time in my whole life I actually understood. I knew that this was all my fault. I couldn’t stand there and argue with something stupid like ‘why are you doing this to me’ the way I normally would. Luca wasn’t doing anything wrong. The only mistake he had ever made was loving me.13

“Okay Luca. Okay.” I cried. “But tell me one thing, how is it going to work? Sooner or later I am going to go back to school and we will see each other everyday.” I added, not to try and win him back or anything, it was a genuine question.14

“Discipline. I won’t come near you, you won’t come near me. I am going to erase you from my memory.” He told. I could hear the pain in his voice. It wasn’t a cold tone, he didn’t want to do this but he knew he couldn’t keep waiting for me. The kindest thing I could do right now was let him go. 15

“Thank you so much for everything you have done for me, I know you think I don’t appreciate it, admittedly until recently I haven’t. But I do now. So that didn’t make sense but I just want you to know.”16

I felt like a complete idiot, I was trying to express how greatful I was to him but nothing I said ever made sense. It was hard to comprehend that this would be our last conversation.17

“I know Hales. Catch you round.” He said.18

“Goodbye Luca.” I sniffed turning around and running into the house, the sobs erupting from my throat. From the space of the front door to my bed I went from being upset but calm to hysterical as I flung myself on my bed.19

I sobbed into my pillow screaming and punching my bed. It was over, Luca and I had hit rock bottom. I had finally pushed him over the edge. I always managed to destroy all the good things in my life. If I hadn’t have been a complete drama queen, I would have never found out about this whole thing, and things would be normal.20

I was such a complete screw up. I had no idea what I was doing anymore. I had been so horrible to people, people I didn’t even take the time to get to know. I used to think that I was so much better than everyone else, but I wasn’t; I was just as lost and confused as everyone else. I didn’t have to ask myself why was this happening to me, because I knew the answer. Karma. It’s a bitch. This was payback for what a disgusting person I had been all my life.21

It never really dawned on me that I was the cause of many girls from my school, crying on their beds each night.22

I used to be in such control, sure I got depressed from time to time, what teenager doesn’t? But I had never felt out of control like this, not the way I had been the last couple of weeks. 23

The next few days that followed are kind of blank to me, I fell into what you might call a slump. I laid in bed staring at my trashed room that Dad had forget to get fixed. I didn’t mind though, it reminded me of how my heart was feeling at the moment.24

Mum came into check on me several times; bringing me food, but I couldn’t eat. She was really worried about me, She thought I was upset because of the whole adopted thing. But I reassured her that it had nothing to do with it. I told her I needed space and time, in time I would be alright. 25

I was completely alone, I had nothing left down here. Yeah I had my family but it didn’t feel like that was enough for me anymore. I needed to find who I was. 26

I could no longer lay in self pity, it made me sick. I pressed the buzzer signalling her to come in my room. She came almost straight away.27

“Are you finally hungry?” Mum smiled.28

“No. I need to talk to you about something.” I started.29

“What is it?” She asked sitting on my bed beside me. I sat up for the first time in 3 days, besides my visits to the bathroom.30

“That address you gave me, I went there, I met my grandmother, She was really nice.” I explained. 31

“Oh sweety that’s good. Did you have any luck with your Mother?” She asked, I could tell she wanted me to say no.32

“I’m not entirely sure yet. She hasn’t seen her since she took off, she called occasionally but never let them go and see her. She gave me an address but she says it is 6 months old So I don’t know if she still lives there.”33

“Where is it?” She asked.34

“Pewter Heads.” I said.35

“Oh my gosh! That is so far away! Do you want to leave us? Is that what you’re saying?”36