The faucet's dripping in the bathroom. The resulting sound makes me uneasy.1
The closet door is closed firmly. The shadows inside make me uneasy.2
The emptiness throughout my house is unnerving. Where once there was a beautiful woman, there is now a loneliness, and clean bedsheets. I wonder what the point is to this mess that we call life. Is it worth it?3
I make my way to the bathroom. Eyes red, I stare blankly ahead at the glass version of myself. A crooked frown. Sunken skin. Cracked lips.4
The image I see is swept away as the medicine cabinet is opened. I grab the nearest bottle, and check the medical ingredients. This will never be enough. The bottle falls to the floor.5
I pull out another bottle. This one's prescription. 6
Instead of the recommended capsule, I take six. Really, what's the difference? Same shit. Like the last, this bottle falls to the floor. I follow.7
I see you. Your smile is radiating in my mind. Our hands are together; our fingers are interlocked. We're on the bed, bedsheets wrapped around us and our clothes: a simple pile on the rug. Seeing your smile makes me smile. My frown turns 'round. My skin revives. My luscious lips touch yours, soft as your skin. I'm reborn in your arms.8
Shattered. Reality awakens me, or is that just the pounding on the door. Is that you, Mom? I can't answer. I'm dying.9
I crawl to my room, the thought of ending it stuck on repeat in my mind. If only I could die now... but would it be too soon? Let me make it to my bed first, where memories of you can have me.10
They do. We're together again, but this time, everything is silent. The only sound is the drop of a gun. You were my whole life.11
Oh baby,
But maybe life's not for everyone.
Author notes
Just thought I'd try it.
It's an amazing song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh6qYhF6SCs&feature=related
A contest entry
- Blue October Fans by Rini.
160 points, ended June 12, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Music! :D by Donkey.
600 points, ended June 9, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Almost Anything Goes! by toolenduso.
875 points, ended July 17, 78 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Quite powerful. I love the word "uneasy" in the first two lines. Really draws the reader right in. Emotionally, I understand this urge all too well. Realistically, it's not an option.
The story is fascinating and dark. It ends well and definitively. Great work.
~Mab
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That last line made me want to cry... this is beautiful yet so sad.
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Wow, I wasn't expecting as much as there was here from a 300 word story. You really did a good job with this, I love the emotion you packed in there.
So thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!
Style: 10/10
Flow: 9/10
Uniqueness: 5/5
Readability: 6/7
Effect: 9/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 5/5
Total: 47/50 -
I love the poetic feel to this piece. Melancholy is excellently incorporated! And the picture is just exotic --
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A very emotional story. I'm sure this would happen to anyone whos in love while they were trying to commit suicide. Very realistic.
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This had a lot of emotion to it. The scene was well written and well described. Great job!
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I really like this and you did really well with this.
you could feell the emotion and it was powerful and this was sad in that the ulimate low is a life that is depressed, The words really stood out and you used the right ones to express the feelings. You are deserving of the reward and a good writer, thank enjoyed it and keep writing you did spendid with this one.
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I liked it. It has meaning, emotion. An emotion so hard to capture in such a remarkable way. But yet again you are able to. I really wonder what you can't do sometimes?
However, I got a little lost. Howver, it might just be me and my very slow brain today... who knows.
But still, I liked it, and good job. Very, very weirdly different. Unsure if its a bad different or a good one. So very unsure... Curse this stupid slow moving brain of mine!!!
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Your Verdict....
I really don't like depression. It upsets me but Kevan you've out done yourself yet again. Emotional is one thing. I'm not the person to slit my wrists or anything like that (lifes to much fun,even when it sucks.) I've been depressed but not as much as your character. You took me through their sadness and how they felt. I've never been inside someone's head before,either.But you showed me what it's like and you did it beautifully. This is my fav. of all your stories. By far!!! If your book 'Caden' is ever published I will gaurantee you I will buy it immeadtly. Funny thing is a boy in my class his name is Caden too! Kevan you are on my list of best writers right up there next to the best no joke.
-Qwapple -
Black Orchid wasn't one of my favorite Blue October songs, but you did really well with it. I liked your story a lot.
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wow.
gosh, i hate depressing stuff but this was too beautiful for me to even dislike. it rocked! well, it was very well written and it captured my attention immediately [sometimes hard to do! ;P ] -
I love this
Sooo... beautiful
I just love your writing style
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Though I don't usually read music-related works [or "songfics" as they are otherwise known] this did not disappoint.
I'm glad that you gave more imagery than anything to this story - especially since you went with the [no personal offence intended] somewhat overused short story plot of "Person A has split with Person B and cannot see any way forward in life and is currently/is considering/intends to commit suicide." - despite this, I found this quite an endearing read.
Your tone of voice and flow were impeccable.
Your descriptions made me feel quite at ease with the plot.
You did a good job; any praise you recieve will be well deserved. -
Unique.
As others have said, this is definitely a ... different ... piece. I'm not sure what I think of the style. I was left a bit confused by the end. I'll take a few moments to listen to the video that you included at the end, but I thought at the very least I'd leave you a comment with my initial thoughts.
Thanks for entering my contest and, as always, keep writing!
~Felanor -
Godd writing.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I agree with teh P.
Doesn't seem like something YOU of all people would like.
Lol, but anyways, I really liked reading it.
You should do more entries like this!!! =]
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Kevan, yeah, its kinda weird. But still, I love the style. I will never be able to write a story like this. I love how you wrote it in a different style..(even I needed to check the dictionary to find out the meaning of some words
). The entire thing gave me a sense of mystery and horror. Also, you described things really well. Especially near the ending. Like "crawl to the room", "the thought stuck in your mind".
The story isn't really long but you covered all the things in it. When I read it, I needed to picture it in my head so that I could feel the emotion and the "feeling". And you know what? After reading it, I could not get it out of my mind. 
Very well written. Kevan. Good luck in the contest!
Denise -
Wow..This was written very well. I have to say it sounds like its written from experiance. xP. Odd I know. Keep writting.
~ Chelsey
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My, my.
This was really... odd.
Like, it didn't actually sound like you.
It wasn't bad, though.
Just different.
It was interesting and, I liked it enough. ^^
Good luck in the contest.
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