The Day I Killed Edward Cullen

I awoke one cloudy morning in New York. The bags under my crusty morning eyes told of a long night. My arm hung over towards the floor off of my couch. The night prior I had fallen asleep watching "The Lost Boys". I tried vigorously to stay up that night, but I was tired and weary from a long fatiguing evening at my book burning club.1

We were burning copies of a best selling book that evening. One book that had captured the hearts and enslaved the minds of young, depressed, single, and obese teenage girls. I can't rag on Meyer for writting, nothing wrong with that in the least bit, but I sure as hell can express my distaste in her work. Expressing distaste is one of my favorite things to do in life, and little did I know that on that day, I Abe Enemy, would express great distaste in the worst fad since "Naruto".2

I had stammered down to the kitchen lazily. I poured myself a cup of joe almost out of habit. I used to hate coffee, but I had acquired the taste. It was black and bitter, just like my heart. Yeah, I'm the kinda guy who hates to love, and loves to hate. To me, hate was just another way to love though. They're the same really if you think about it. Both of them are an extremely strong emotion towards someone, or something. I guess you could say, in the sense that I hated, I loved. I loved what I hated, for somethings at least. No one can hate everything.3

Anyways, on the counter that morning I found a strange envelope sitting on my counter next to copies of "Loud Fast Rules" and "Punk Rock Confidential". I picked it up, gripping it loosely in my right hand, and studied it. It was addressed to me, from an unknown sender. Carefully, I broke the seal and opened it. Onto my counter fell a neatly folded letter, along with a plane ticket. Only someone with severe OCD would fold a letter that neat, so I handled the unfolding very carefully. It read:4

Dear Abe,5

I have for you a very important task. As I'm sure you know, the vampire race is a very respectable, and proud people. We are cunning as well as savage, and we are not to be made a mockery of in some novel that makes us look as if we are, well... pussies, in your terms. It is important that you rid of the "Messiah" of what is now becoming little short of a cult. Enclosed in this envelope is a plane ticket to Seattle. I think you know what you must do.6

It was true, I knew exactly what I had to do. I immediately got dressed. I threw on the closest clothes I had near me. My exploited shirt, red, plaid bondage pants. my pinned up leather vest, and my Doc Martin boots. 7

I rushed out the door and into the car. My key penetrated the ignition socket and i turned it, starting my 2003 Honda civic. My foot met the gas pedal, and I sped off to the airport. A Tuesday morning in may didn't call for much traffic at the airport. Infact, I was on the plane in no time. It was turning out to be my lucky day. The plane was nearly empty so they put me up in first class. It was my first time in first class. I always thought it was no different that 2nd class, or economy, and that all those rich fakes just payed extra just to look high up in the class system. It wasn't much different, but it was still better than coach. Even the seats felt more comfy. I selpt almost the entire flight. 8

When I stepped out of the airport in Seattle, I pulled out the letter to continue reading. What followed was more instructions:
Once in Seattle, you must find Mr. Cullen. If my calculations are correct, he will be at a doctors appointment. I did a little digging and found out that he goes to Pussywillow clinic, it's on the corner of Gayvamps and disgrace street. Stapled to a letter is directions I printed off of map quest. They show the locations of the clinic, and every other establishment you'll need to visit to get the tools you need for the job. 9

After stopping at a hardware store to pick up a few wooden stakes, and a visit to a back ally weapons dealer. I headed to the clinic. I heard the doctor talking to Cullen in the first office. 10

"Well Mr. Cullen," the doctor said. "The tests indicate that you have skin cancer. Probably from all that glowing in the sun you've been doing" 11

"That not to worry about," Edward said. "Vampires are immortal"
"Umm, well that is only true for cool vampires, and you're... well to be blunt your a wuss, With only a few weeks to live. And to be completely honest with you, you're not a vampire. You should probably seek phsycological help." 12

"I'm afraid I don't understand." Edward had gotten up at that point and headed towards the door. "I'm going to go reflect on this while watching some naruto." 13

It turned out that killing Edward Cullen would be an easy task, he was already dieing from skin cancer. I could just wait a few weeks and he'd be a gonner, but what is the fun in that? I followed Edward as he left. I had trailed him to some forest area, beautiful location for murder, no doubt. He stopped to talk to some dumb emo girl. 14

"Your skin is pale and Ice cold," She said. 15

"Say it, out loud!" Cullen said. 16

"Vampire." 17

Sick of hearing the useless romance, I pulled out my hand gun I bought from the weapons dealer. I shot out both of his kneecaps. He fell with his back to the forest floor and stared up at me with teary eyes. Deciding it would be best to end it quickly, I pulled the wooden stake from my bag and plunged it through his heart. He bled out for a moment, moaning slowly in pain, then died. 18

"Why... how... how could you," the girl said to me with teary, glazed eyes. 19

"Oh, quit your sobbing ya bimbo.I didn't mean to interrupt you's guys little date, but you know, gotta do whatcha gotta do," I said. 20

"You're a monster." 21

"Shuddup ya freak, he had cancer anyways."