Crazy

You know how people ask you questions to fill awkward pauses in conversation? And how usually one of them is, " If you could have a wish granted, what would it be?" Well I have known ever since I was a little girl what I would wish for: that my older sister, Lola, had never been born.

My whole life, I have always lived in the shadow of Lola's overpowering existence. I have not even had the luck of being born first and thereby having a year or so free of her presence, time for me to shine without her brilliant glow to overpower mine. Lola, at 17, was born three years before me, and even from the beginning she captured everyone's hearts. She was a gorgeous baby, not red and swollen like I was. Her dark, fuzzy hair was thicker and shinier than mine, and her brown eyes were large and soulful, while mine were small and squinty. She was a demanding baby as she grew to be a demanding person, wanting the attention of all near. She cried and fussed when the attention was not focused on her, then giggled and beamed when they hurried to console her. They should have known then she'd be exactly the same as a teen.

I was a quiet baby, rarely crying or drawing attention to myself. I took whatever anyone was willing to take from Lola to give to me... just as I do now.

Lola must always be surrounded by people who admire her and agree with her. Groups of girls, each pretty and popular, but none with Lola's sultry, stunning allure, and all with nothing but air in their brains. Lola likes to hang around those not as smart as her- it makes her feel superior. If there was not a group of girls trailing her, it was a gang of guys, each blushing and stuttering, even the arrogant jocks falling into tongue-tied dazes around Lola. She could do that- take who you were and what you believed and with one word, twist it and mix it around so much you could forget yourself and go blank, no longer sure of anything. I watched her flirt for years, suggesting with her eyes to each he was the one who interested her. They all fell for it. i watched her toy with the hearts of every boy and the heads of every girl in school from my lonely spot in the distance. Lola made it all seem so easy, and for her, it was. She was never without someone, as I was. I walked the halls of our school alone, head down, shoulders slumped. At lunch I studied in the library. I was the plain one, with straight hair and a pointy chin, who at 14, still had the flat, thin body of a 10 year old. I had never been kissed or even held hands with a boy. i was the serious one, the nerd. Girls did not come to my sleepovers, and guys did not blush around me and ask for my phone number. To everyone, I seemed like just another of the shy, meek geeks, completely benign and harmless. Pathetic. But inside I was raging at the unfairness of it all...

Despite everything Lola had that I lacked, despite all her friends, boyfriends, popularity, looks, and charisma, I still could have dealt with it. I could have forgiven her all this, and loved her, been close to her as you should a sister. But with Lola, such a thing was impossible. Around parents, teachers, friends, relatives, anyone of the thousands who adored her, Lola treated me with sticky sweetness. She had to keep up her image of everyone's golden girl, and loving her little sister was part of that. But when we were alone, she did a 180. She treated me with such contempt, teasing me for what she had that I didn't, calling me names and making me know she was superior. " Obscene Irene," she hissed. " Go away, Obscene Irene. I don't want you here! Sit in your corner and wallow in your gloom!" And most of the time, I would- I had no place else to go.

When I was younger, I was hurt so by the way she treated me. When she taunted me, I would cry, wondering what I could do to make her love me, even a little bit. I didn't understand how devious she was. I only knew in front of everyone else, she was so nice to me. I savored those moments, eagerly latching on and soaking up all her attention she tossed my way. Id didn't understand why when we were alone, she changed so abruptly. I didn't then, but I do now... and I hate her for it.

It was during those times when Lola was kind to me that I'd try to cram in everything I wanted to say to her, to confide to her, without fear of her mocking me. I didn't care if her friends did- it wasn't their approval I wanted. One day I was hanging around Lola and three of her friends in her bedroom. I was almost 14, and I knew of Lola's true nature, so I suppose it was boredom and temporary insanity that made me do it. Lola and her friends were giggling over guys they thought were hot. They didn't really want me there, I could tell, even Lola's thickly veiled hostility toward me was apparent by the edge in her voice. But for some stupid reason, I stayed anyway. After all the girls had spilled, Heather turned to me and said in a nasty voice, " So who do you like, Irene?" The smirk on her face told me without her needing to say it that whoever it was, he wouldn't like me back.

I tried to get out of saying anything, protesting I liked no one, but my stammers and blushes revealed I was lying and egged them on.

" Come on," they needled me. " We told you ours. You can't not tell us, that's not fair. We won't tell!"

Even Lola joined in. Her gentle words and soft tone didn't fool me; I could see the vicious spark in her eyes. " Irene, if you don't tell I'll never let you hang out with us again," she said. It was not her words, but the scary glint in her eye that convinced me I'd better say something. If I didn't, when the girls left, I'd be made sorry.

So with a beet red face, I muttered I liked Cole Thanovan, had, in fact, from the time I was 10 years old and saw him come out of Lola's 8th grade class when my mom and I picked her up. Cole was the most handsome boy I had ever seen, with his dark hair and eyes and long lashes. I doubt he even knew my name, but it was my dream that one day he would notice me.

With that announcement, the girls hooted, gasping that Cole could never like me, he was 17 and I was 14, not yet in high school. They laughed until I fled the room in tears, mortified. How could I have admitted I liked Cole, a boy so obviously above me!? I knew that night Lola would use her new knowlege to torment me.

But to my shock, she didn't. She never mentioned it again. I was incredulous at first, sure she was biding her time, making some new game to shock me more when she finally mentioned it.

I dropped my guard after a few days, deciding she must have forgotten, or in a rare act of kindness, decided not to tease me about it. Whatever reason, I was grateful. I didn't see that in Lola's sneaky, subtle way, she was going to use her knowledge to hurt me worse than she'd ever hurt me before...

That same year I started my freshman year in high school, and Lola started her senior year. As I had expected, I was just as much an outcast in high school as in middle school. Lola, of course, was still a social butterfly. She could have had her pick of any guy in school- and there were plenty vying for her affections. Yet I noticed, to my deep suspicion and growing horror, that it was one boy in particular she bestowed her charms on. One boy did she flash her glowing, laughing at his jokes and and touching his arm every time she spoke to him. It was he whose arm she clutched in the halls, who she spoke to more than any other. And it was he who more than any other seemed enraptured with her. This boy was Cole Thanovan.1

I tried to deny it at first, to downplay the obvious signs that my sister was trying to take Cole for herself before my eyes, knowing I could in no way compete. I told myself they were just friends- everyone liked Lola, after all. Why not Cole?2

But I could no longer deny the obvious the day I came home from the library only to discover Lola and Cole thrusting tongues down each other's throats in the living room. I halted in utter shock and horror, unable to trust my eyes. My sister, less than four weeks after I'd told her I'd had a crush on Cole for four years, was making out with him in my own house! I think I made an involuntary strangled sound in my throat, because finally they withdrew from each other and turned to me. Lola smiled, seeming friendly, but I saw the malicious delight in her eyes.3

" Oh, Irene," she said. " I don't think you two have met. This is my boyfriend Cole. Cole, this is my sister Irene. She's a freshman."4

I couldn't speak. Her betrayal had emptied me of all words. Without thinking, I fled the room, locking myself into my room. I couldn't banish the image of Lola and Cole entangled in each other. It was burned into my mind. At first I was upset and humiliated. How could I have been so stupid? There was no chance Cole had ever liked me or ever would- why should he when he could have Lola? Why was I so surprised? Stupid, stupid Irene!5

But after the initial instinctive reactions of blaming myself- something I was very used to doing- I began to get angry. Not at me or Cole- for who could blame him- but at Lola. She had known I liked Cole, had for years, she'd been the one who pried it out of me! And what had she done? She'd used it to hurt me, turning her wiles on him full on, so he could not help but be drawn to her. The more I thought about it, the angrier I grew. At that moment, I wanted more than anything in life for Lola to die.6

As soon as the thought entered my head, I knew instantly it was a good idea. A right idea. Everything would be so much better for me if Lola were dead. I wouldn't have to watch from the shadows anymore as she took everything good for herself. With Lola gone, without her showing me up, my accomplishments would seem much better. Sure, for a while, everyone would mourn her and reminsice endlessly, but eventually they'd have to give up and move on with their lives- who could idolize a dead girl forever? My parents would be devastated, I was sure, but with Lola gone, they'd slowly refocus all their love, admiration, and attention for her on me. As their only daughter, they'd love me all that much more. Finally I would have all I'd been denied- if Lola died.7

But how could she die? She was young, healthy- not about to fall over dead of heart failure or anything. Someone would have to kil her- and that would have to be me.8

The idea of killing someone, a teenager, my own sister, did not scare me or alarm me. I felt no trepidation whatsover. IF anything, I felt excitement, anticipation of someone awaiting something fun. I knew then I was going to do it, i would murder my sister.9

But how? I couldn't let myself be caught; it would have to happen exactly right.10

A smile spreading across my face, I began to plan out the details of what should occur...
I waited until night to carry out my plan. That was the best time- my parents would be asleep, and it would be dark... no one would witness. Plus Lola would be groggy, it would be easy...1

I set my alarm for midnight, but I needn't have worried. I was much too excited to sleep; i kept going over my plan, sure it would work, sure that in only a few hours, my life would take a turn for the better. 2

When it was time, I got out of bed and crept down the hall to Lola's room, still in pajamas. That was part of my plan. Lola had to think I'd just awoken. I silently opened her door and slipped inside. Lola was sound asleep on her queen sized bed, looking as flawless as ever even in sleep. Of course Lola didn't snore, or sleep with her mouth open, or do anything less than charming. Going to her bedside, I stared down at her, shaking with barely held back rage at the unfairness of it all. She already had everything, why did she have to deliberately take from me the one thing I ever wanted? 3

I took a deep breath, slowly forcing myself to calm down, to think happy thoughts- thoughts of her impending doom. It would not be long now until she died. I could control myself until then4

With that in mind, I reached to shake her shoulder. She didn't react at all. I shook again, fighting to keep my patience.5

" Lola. Wake up!'6

I managed to rouse her enough so she sat up, rubbing her eyes and scowling.7

" What the hell- what do you want? Why are you waking me? What's your problem?" she spat out.8

" cole's outside. I saw him out my window," I told her.9

As I expected, that perked her up. A pleased, self satisfied smile crossed her face. I had to keep myself from slapping her.10

" Oh, is he? I'm not surprised. I think he loves me," she purred. " He's so sexy, don't you think? And a great kisser!"11

It took a lot of self control to not abandon my plan then and just beat her to death with my fists. Patience, I told myself sternly, gritting my teeth. 12

" What's he doing" she asked, " Where is he?"13

" He's wondering around the woods. He keeps going in and out of them," I said. 14

We live in a rather isolated location in the country, with only one neighbor we know of. There is a large wooded area behind our house, near a large river. That is what i was referring to. 15

" I can show you where he is if you want," I offered. " Take you to him. He'll be glad to see you. I won't stay- I'll leave you two alone."16

Lola looked at me sharply, narrowing her eyes and scrutinizing me, no doubt wondering why I was offering so selflessly when I had a crush on Cole. Evidently she found no malice on my face and judged me to be the same dim, dull Irene, eager to please her and gain her acceptance no matter the cost to me. A slow smile spread across her face. 17

" Oh Irene, you don't have to leave- I know you fantasize about making out with Cole. If you stay and watch, why, you'll have as good an idea as you'll ever get of what it's like."18

I had no reply to that. For a moment I was unable to even move, so much hatred filled my body. I was tense with it, feeling I'd explode if I even breathed. Lola watched, grinning at my inner struggle. Finally I managed to stifle my feelings, but they were still there, oh boy were they.19

" Well," I said passively, " come on, I'll take you to him."


" I thought you knew where he is," Lola griped 15 minutes later. " I don't see him."1

We would have been there soon had she not insisted on putting on full makeup for a five minute walk in the woods. Even though she went to the trouble to do that, she didn't bother getting dressed- I guess she liked the idea of Cole seeing her braless in a skimpy nightgown.2

" He's here somewhere," I said vaguely. I had to take her deeper in the woods, get her further away from the house. I had to be sure no one would see us, that no one would find her once I killed her. I had already chosen the perfect spot. I had even earlier placed a shovel there against a tree, both to mark the spot and and so when I was finished, I could bury her.3

If I could only find the shovel... where had I put it?4

" I don't think he's here," Lola complained. '' Is this your idea of a joke, Irene? Because I do NOT appreciate it. If this is a joke you will deeply regret it."5

The look in her eyes told me I didn't have very long to find the shovel before she gave up and went back to bed. I had to find it, and quickly.6

Just then, I saw it. There it was, a stretch of treeless, leaf-covered land right in the middle of an expanse of trees- perfect spot for Lola's grave. And propped up against the tree was a shovel. This was it.7

I casually made my way toward the shovel, appearing as though I were still searching for Cole. Lola followed, glowering. Suddenly I stopped in my tracks beside the shovel.8

" Listen! Hear that?" I whispered. Lola stopped, frowning.9

" I dont hear anything, Irene," she snapped.10

" It's twigs being snapped. Someone's walking nearby."11

" Is it Cole?" Lola asked, her voice perking up.12

" Maybe..." I made a show of peering off behind us. Suddenly I gasped and pointed into the forest.13

" Look, there he is! Hey, Cole, over here!''14

As Lola whirled around, I stooped beside the shovel quickly, snatching up the knife I'd left beside it. With a quick movement, I stood and plunged the knife into Lola's back- stabbing her in the back as she had done to me all these years. Maybe now she'd know what it felt like, I thought wildly. With a shriek of surprise and pain, Lola jerked before falling forward to the forest floor. Putting my left hand on her back as a brace, I yanked the knife out of her back and stabbed her again. She moaned and gasped as blood soaked her sexy nightie, which wasn't quite as attractive with blood staining it red. Blood bubbled up and over her lips, and finally she was still.15

I stood up, exhausted and exhilerated. I had done it. I had killed my sister. She was gone, and nothing would bring her back. I would never see her again, never see her evil, leering smirk, or hear her laugh at me. Never watch her toss her head while around a group of guys, never watch her giggle with her friends. Never watch as my parents glowed over her and stumbled to describe me in a flattering light. Best of all, I would never again see her with her freshly manicured hands all over Cole Thanovan.16

I was free. Free, free, free. She wasn't going to surpress me any longer. I would be judged by my own merits, not hers. I would now be simply Irene- not Lola's sister.17

Dropping heavily to my knees, I began to laugh. I couldn't belive this was happening. I had never done anything so terrible in my life- but it was the best thing I'd ever done as well.

When my laughter died away, I sat on my haunches and stared at Lola's body, a grin still on my face. Well she wasn't so lovely and confident anymore, was she? Nor had she been as she died. She had screamed. She had been afraid- of me! She had seen that for once it was I who had the power, I who controlled her- and I who showed no mercy. And it terrified her.

Picking up the shovel, I began to dig, tossing dirt beside her body. It was hard work, but I didn't mind- I enjoyed every minute. Each shovelful of dirt was one step closer to putting Lola underground forever.

I don't know how much time passed as I dug. I fell into a trance, hearing nothing but my shovel hitting the dirt and the dirt hitting the pile. I had almost made a large enough hole to bury her in when I finally looked up. To my shock, Lola's body was no longer where I'd left it. It was gone- and I saw no trace of it anywhere!

My head swiveled around wildly as I searched for Lola's body. How could it not be there? She was DEAD, she couldn't move! I must be hallucinating, or not looking good or something.1

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, sure when I opened them Lola's body would be back where it was supposed to be. But when I did, it was not. She really was gone.2

My mind raced, fumbling desperately for an explanation. She must not have been dead, I thought. Maybe she was only unconcious, only wounded. Maybe she got up and stumbled away. How I didn't hear her, I had no clue. But that was the only explanation.3

Clutching the knife in my hand, I stood, beginning to wander away from the hole I'd just dug. I had to find her, to see if she was still alive. I had to finish off the job, before she told someone, before someone saw her.4

Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me. Before I could turn, a voice called my name.5

" Hey! Irene!"6

I whirled around, accidentally dropping the knife. Once I saw who it was, I was too surprised to stoop to pick it up. It was Lola, walking toward me quickly, a frown on her face. She was alive- ALIVE! Not only that, but walking around, speaking, seemingly completely uninjured! There was not so much as a spot of blood on her nightgown- she was perfectly, completely unharmed!7

I could only stare as Lola walked toward me, my jaw open. How could this be?! Lola was dead! I had killed her, I had stabbed her multiple times! I had watched as blood bubbled from her lips and she breathed her last! How on EARTH could she be standing there, fine, when I had stabbed her to death!?8

I can't be seeing this, I thought desperately. I must be dreaming. When I wake up all will be well. Lola will be dead, dead, dead...9

My hopes were shattered when Lola grabbed my arm, peering into my face impatiently. She was there all right, and definitely not dead; her fingernails were leaving painful marks in my skin.10

" Where have you been, Irene? Why'd you run off and leave me? Where'd you go? Where's Cole? I haven't seen him, Irene. Was he here at all? I dont' think he ever was! I think you just got me out of bed and made me chase you around the woods to play a joke. Well I'm tired of it, Irene! I'm not playing along! It's not funny and you're going to regret this tomorrow," Lola hissed. Giving me an angry shove, she stalked off toward our home. I stared after her, still in shock.11

I HAD killed her. I KNOW I had. I HAD! I had not idea how she'd managed to show up again, without so much as a bloodstain. She couldn't be a ghost she was too solid. Then how the hell was she still here?12

" Someone up there loves Lola way too much," I muttered. " This is so typical. The one thing I do for my own happiness, the one thing I accomplish, the one time I win and Lola loses, somehow she comes back to life. I don't know how- but I know this is not the end of it."13

I'd try again, harder next time. Next time Lola's guardian angel would not resurrect her. 14

Now that I thought about it, Lola hadn't even seemed to remember I'd killed her. She seemed to have forgotten, as though being miraculously brought to life erased her death. Maybe I'd been cursed that I had not permenanently killed her- but I had one plus going. She did not remember. It would make it that much easier for me to kill her again.....


A day later I was in the living room watching TV, when I heard Lola talking on the phone. At first I tuned her out- her giggly conversations with friends did not interest me in the slightest, but then I heard her giggle and say " Oh Cole!" She was talking to Cole!1

I began to listen without being too obvious. What did she tell him, I wondered, that made her so interesting to him? What lies did she weave to keep him glued to her?2

" Come on over," she said in a much lower, considerabley more serious voice. " Right now. We'll have a good time... yeah, my parents and sister are here. Shit. Oh, I know, you don't have to come to the house. There's woods right behind our house- and a river right at the edge. Meet me at the river- I'll be there." She paused, a smile spreading across her face. " Well bye Cole. I can't wait to see you, sexy man. Love you."3

She hung up and without so much as a glance in my direction skipped upstairs- no doubt to fix her hair and makeup that was already flawless. I stared after her, no longer noticing the TV. She had told Cole she loved him! She had told Cole, my Cole, who I'd liked for years, that she loved him! And she was meeting him secretly in the woods! It didn't take a lot of imagination to envision what they must be planning to do there.4

The horrible images arose in my mind, making me nauseous. I could just see Lola in her naked glory, smiling seductively as she smothers Cole with her flesh. I began to tremble, enraged. How could she?! How dare she?!5

I had to stop her. I could not allow this to happen, could not let her do this. I had to stop her from ever betraying me again, from bewitching any other innocent boy. I had to kill her, and soon- before Cole came.6

I waited as she skipped out the door, watching with seeming casualness as she made her way across the backyard to the woods. I waited until she reached the edge until I began to follow her, staying close enough to see her but far away enough that she didn't see me. I had to be even more careful when I reached the woods, taking care not to crackle leaves or snap twigs with my feet. 7

I'll really do it this time, I vowed to myself as I crept along. I really will kill her- and this tiem she'll stay dead! I failed last time- I let Lola win- but this time I will succeed!8

Ahead of me, Lola had reached the river and was sitting down beside the shore, waiting for cole. I smiled- she was literally a sitting duck. I began to inch toward her.9

Suddenly a twig snapped under my foot, making a crack that sounded like gunpowder in the quiet of the forest. I froze. There was no way she hadn't heard that! And sure enough, she turned her head, a confused look on her face. I only just managed to duck behind a tree before she could see me.10

" Cole, is that you?" she called. " You're really fast getting here! What did you do, run every red light?" she teased.11

I remained silent, my heart pounding. She hadn't seen me- she thought I was Cole! I'd let her think that for now- she'd be shown the truth soon enough....12

" Where are you?" she called. " How come you're hiding? Is this supposed to be a game or something?" A laviscious smile crossed her face. " I dont want to play hide and go seek, Cole. I had a different game in mind. I was thinking show and tell."13

She began to strip off her clothes so she stood there naked, arms loosely at her sides, not ashamed in the slightest. I stared at her, repulsion, fury, and horror mixed in me. How could she expose herself like that, so gleefully and shamelessly? how could she look people in the eye and put on her sweetest voice and be sooo kind and thoughtful then strip off her clothes to seduce the boy her sister liked? She was a whore, a wicked, evil whore. She deserved all the pain I could inflict on her.14

" But first," she said," let's play chase! Catch me if you can!" She leapt into the deep part of the river and began to swim lazily, calling for Cole to come get her. My blood boiled as I looked at her. Someone was going to get her all right- but it wouldn't be Cole.15

I had brought a knife to do my deed, but I dropped it now, remembering how she had survived it last time. This time I would use my hands, and I would drown her. I would not give up until I was sure she was dead. Everyone would think it was an accident- even Cole. But it would definitely not be an accident....16

I stepped purposefully in view, no longer bothering to hide. Lola was still floating on her back, and she gasped when she saw me, her eyes widening. She quickly flipped over and stood on her feet in the water. Undaunted, I continued to walk toward her, almost at the edge of the river now.17

" Irene!'' she yelled, her voice shocked and angry. " What are YOU doing here?!"18

I did not answer her; she didn't merit a response. Reaching the water's edge, I began to wade into it fully clothed, slowed down but determined in my mission. Lola's face was scarlet, not from humiliation, of course, but anger. She sputtered and yelled as I drew closer, tuning her out, thinking only of my goal- to stop her from ever yelling at me again.19

" go away, Irene! Why are you here? You're pathetic! Did you follow me?" she hissed. " Get a life! What, did you want to catch me with Cole? Were you hoping to watch, to imagine you were the one with him?" Lola sneered.20

The sneer began to falter as I came closer. She began to look uncertain, confused- was that fear I saw in her eyes? Was she afraid of me? If what I was feeling showed, I could hardly blame her. She began to back away as I swam toward her.21

" What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously. " Why are you coming over here?" 22

I didn't reply, only kept swimming. Just a few more strokes and I could reach out and grab her...23

" What's that look on your face for? And why aren't you saying anything? Stay away!" she said suddenly in a sharp tone. " Irene, I mean it, dont' come near me!"24

Sure, as if. Like just because everyone else gave her her every whim, I would abandon my one deepest desire, just to please her. Good try, Lola...25

She tried to swim away, panicking as I drew close, but I was upon her, grabbing her arm, pulling her to me roughly. Lola shrieked, kicking and screaming as I held her tightly.26

" Help! Get off me, what the hell are you doing?! Help! Cole, help me, hellllllp!"27

She couldn't scream anymore once I thrust her head underwater. She continued to fight me as I struggeled to keep her underwater, finally managing to pop her head up, coughing and gasping. It wasn't long before I'd forced it back under.28

It was hard work, holding her as I slowly forced her to drown. She was taller and heavier than me, and her slick, naked flesh made it hard to hold her still. Not to mention how disgusting it was to touch her. It made me shudder in revulsion. But my determination that this time I would kill Lola made me ignore all this and hold on all the more tightly.29

It was several minutes before Lola stopped struggling hard, only able to jerk and twitch feebly as her oxygen- starved brain struggled for air. Finally she went completely limp and lifeless in my arms.30

I held her under for another five minutes, just to be safe. After all, she'd come alive somehow the last time I killed her. When I was positive she was dead, I released her, shaking out the stiffness in my arms. She slowly sank to the bottom of the river, out of view.31

Breathing hard, my muscles aching, I stood, slowly recovering. I began to smile as I realized I had done it. Lola was dead- this time for good.32

A wave of joy swept over me. I began to kick and frolic about in the water, rather silly, celebrating my victory. After a few minutes, I flopped onto my back and floated. I couldn't believe that my dream had finally been carried out! I closed my eyes, savoring the pictures in my head of Lola's death. I'd remember every detail, every movement and sound she'd made....33

" Hey, what are you doing, Irene?"34

A voice from the shore called my name. No, was it Cole, had he gotten here already? But I didn't think so. The voice had sounded familar... too familar.35

My stomach dropping, I opened my eyes slowly, not wanting to see who had spoken but unable to avoid it. When I saw who it was, my eyes almost bulged out of my head. i couldn't speak, couldn't move. For Lola was standing on the edge of the water- fully dressed and completely unharmed. She wasn't even wet- she looked as though nothing had ever happened!36



I could only stare at her, my mind racing, trying to deny what I was seeing. This could not be real. Surely I was not seeing her. Surely it was someone else and because I was afraid of seeing Lola, my eyes had tricked me into seeing her.1

Lola spoke again, shattering my wishes. There was no mistaking that voice- it could belong to no one other than my sister. 2

" Irene, I asked you a question. What are you doing? If you wanted to swim why are you wearing all your clothes? You're such an idiot!"3

My brain scrambled to explain how this could have happened once again. I HAD killed her, I knew I had! I had felt her nasty naked flesh writhing under my hands as I struggled to hold her underwater. There was no way I'd only believed she was dead! I'd held her underwater for ten minutes! No normal human could survive ten minutes underwater! Besides, I would have heard her getting out of the water- splashing and all! How was she not wet?4

No human could do that. There was something fishy going on here... something evil. I didnt' like it. How many times did I have to kill her before she stayed dead?!5

" Irene? Helloooo?" Lola said sarcastically.6

" How did you do it," I asked in a hoarse whisper. " How did you survive?"7

Lola looked at me like I was nuts. She shook her head.8

" Uh, mind telling me what you're talking about?"9

" Why are you still here? How can you do that? How is it possible?" I demanded.10

Lola stared at me, seemingly clueless. But she HAD to know, she HAD to remember! How could she not know I had killed her- TWICE!?11

" Uh, I walked, Irene. No mystery there. The question is what are YOU doing, and why?"12

I shook my head slowly. What kind of game was she playing? There had to be a way she'd escaped- there had to be!13

" Why aren't you wet?" I asked, my voice shaky.14

" I haven't been swimming, idiot. You usually have to get in water to get wet," Lola snapped. " Come on, Mom's going to wonder where we are. Why she cares I have no idea."15

I began to make my way out of the river, dripping wet and still trying to come up with a way Lola could still be alive that made sense. But I couldn't. I knew it had happened- so why was she alive?16

She stared at me in disgust as I made my way toward her, wrinkling her nose.17

" Yuck. Your hair is all matted and slimy. Don't touch me, Obscene Irene," she ordered. She began to walk away into the trees from which she'd appeared. I followed numbly. I didn't know what to do- twice I'd tried to kill her and twice something had gone horribly wrong. I felt like there was something I was missing, some piece of information Lola was hiding, and if I could just get ahold of it this would all make sense...18

She walked ahead of me, slender hips swaying, head held high. I stared into the small of her back as she strode forward, not glancing back at me but continuing to insult me. We passed through the trees I had hidden behind before approaching her. Suddenly I spotted the knife I had taken along and dropped in favor of drowning her. I stooped, picking it up and holding it in one hand. As I looked up at Lola's retreating back, moving further from me, I began to feel desperate. Twice I had failed to kill her now. I had to try one more time, while we were still out here, before anyone saw, before my last chance was gone... it was now or never.19

I began to hurry toward her, knife gripped tightly in my hand. Lola was so self-obsessed she didn't notice I was coming toward her until I had already pounced. Grabbing her by her long dark hair, I cut her throat with a violent jerk. She didn't make a sound; blood began to flow down her neck, and she twitched and went limp, dead. But I wasn't finished with her yet. Oh no, I wouldn't let her off so easy this time. Sure, she was dead now, but if I stopped here, she'd be alive again in five minutes. This time I wouldn't let her do that. This time I'd make sure she had no body left to return with.20

I began to hack and slice her with my knife, cutting and mutilating her flesh until it was no longer recognizable as the body of Lola, teen dream. I didn't stop until she no longer remotely resembled a teen girl, didn't stop until she was a disgusting pile of bloody, mangled flesh, tissue, and bone. When I finally deemed there was no way she could possibly come back alive, I dropped the knife, breathing hard. I was exhausted, every last drop of energy had gone into this. But despite my fatigue, I felt better than I'd ever felt in my life- strong, powerful, triumphant. I had definitely killed her for good this time. 21

Wearily I got to my feet, stumbling from fatigue, and began to drag myself home. In my room I fell onto my bed and lay there, so tired. I watched TV but couldn't concentrate on the plot. Homework was out of the question. My thoughts focused only on how relieved I was. I wasnt even happy, just glad it was finally over. I had finally killed her- my new life could begin.22

About half an hour later I heard Mom calling that dinner was ready. I got off my bed slowly and slunk down the hall to the kitchen. My parents were in the kitchen, smiling at me a little forcedly. As we began to serve ourselves, I snuck a glance at Lola's empty seat. As I made my way to the table, holding my full plate, I heard a familar voice behind me.23

" Hey, Mom, Dad, what's for dinner?" 24

I froze, praying I was hearing things, that my ears had deceived me. Surely I had not heard what I'd thought I'd heard. Surely if I had, it belonged to a person other than who I thought....25

I turned around slowly, an icy feeling of dread gripping my heart. My prayers had gone unanswered. Lola was standing behind me, beaming at my parents, looking as perfect as usual. Every hair was in place, her clothes were spotless, and she had not so much as a scratch.26

SHE WAS STILL ALIVE!27


My head began to pound, and my stomach knotted painfully. I could barely see or hear. HOW WAS SHE STILL ALIVE!?1

Lola, not noticing my turmoil, loaded her plate and sat down, as did my parents. I remained standing, staring at her.2

" How do you do it?" I asked her in a quiet, dangerously calm voice. She looked at me, smiling in an innocent and very phony way.3

" Do what, Irene?" my mom asked. 4

" How do you DO it?" I repeated in a louder, more insistent voice. Lola frowned, as did my parents. But she did not answer.5

" What do you mean, Irene?" my dad asked.6

" I'M ASKING YOU A QUESTION! HOW DO YOU DO IT?" I shouted. " HOW DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK!?"7

Both my parents were staring at me now, confused, shocked looks on their faces. Guess they'd never seen Irene explode before, huh? But Lola just smiled at me- and still she did not reply. I began to shake with rage and frustration, my face turning red. Why didn't she ANSWER me?8

" Irene... " my mom said timidly. " Honey, who are you talking to?"9

That just took the cake. WHO AM I TALKING TO?! Shouldn't it be very obvious who I am talking to?! And if it isn't to her, it should be to Lola! So why wouldn't she answer me?!10

" Lola! I am talking to LOLA!" I said, pointing at her angrily. " I want to know how the hell she keeps coming back like nothing ever happened? I want to know how you keep reappearing every time without so much as a spot on you? Is it magic, or a prank? Are you a witch or ghost or something? What? Tell me! " I shouted suddenly. I rushed over to her place at the table and grabbed her shoulders, pushing her face close to mine and shouting in her face. " Tell me, Lola! Tell me how you managed to survive me killing you three times! I've tried and tried and you die, but somehow you keep coming back! I tried stabbing you, drowning you, hacking you into bits, but none of it worked! NONE! You're still here, still!11

What does it take for me to kill you!? How many times do you have to die before you STAY DEAD?!"12

Lola still did not shrink away from me or give any signs of fear. It was my parents who looked afraid- my mother's face had drained of all color, and my father too looked horrified. His eyes kept shifting from me to Lola back to me.13

" Irene," he said finally, in a strained voice. " We don't understand. Who is this Lola you are talking to? And... where is she?"14

I stared at him, utterly shocked at his words. What kind of stupid question was that? WHO IS LOLA?! What was wrong with him?15

" Dad," I said, surprised enough to loosen my grip on Lola, " what are you talking about? LOLA, your daughter. Right here- the one who I am screaming at! The one I'm touching! I don't know how I'm touching her, because she should be dead, but I'm touching her somehow!"16

Mom and Dad still had those strange looks on their faces. Like I was the one acting oddly. Didn't they listen to what I'd been saying? Ok, I'll admit killing Lola was bad- but didn't they think it worse that she would not die? Why did they keep looking at me?17

" Irene," Mom said in a strangled, funny voice, " you're just kidding, right? You're playing a joke on us. You're trying to scare us, right?" she looked afraid to find out the answer.18

" Nooo," I said in an annoyed tone. " Can't you tell I'm dead serious? I really did try to kill Lola. I know that's wrong and now I'm going to get in trouble. But somehow she didn't die! Three times I killed her and she's still here! Ask her!" I said, gesturing at Lola. " Make her tell you! Make her say how she did it!"19

My parents appeared frozen, speechless. I guess I'd shattered their illusions of us as meek, geeky Irene and sweet, perfect Lola. Well, the cat's out of the bag now. The one thing I could be glad of was now they knew how sneaky Lola is.20

" Irene," my dad said slowly. " There is no Lola. We dont' know what you're talking about. We are the only three people in this room."21

I looked at them sharply, my mouth falling open. No! Lola had done something to them- they were letting her get away with surviving, maybe even helping her!22

" She's right here, dad! Why can't you see her? I'm looking right at her! She has on jeans and a bunnyty red shirt- see?" I gestured at her. " Lola! Your older daughter! Right here!"23

Lola remained silent, that triumphant, sneaky look on her face. What the hell was she playing?24

" Irene," Mom said, her mouth trembling, " you're standing in front of an empty chair. There is no Lola. We never had a daughter called Lola. You're our only child."25

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Had the world gone crazy?! First Lola spontaneously resurrects herself, then my parents can no longer see or hear her or even remember her? What was going on?!26

" How can you say that? I've lived with Lola for my whole life! You guys fawn over her- she can do no wrong! How could you forget her? How do you not see her? She's always had tons of boyfriends and friends over- are you saying they don't exist too? You talk to her every day!" I yelled. " 27

" Irene, you're the only person around here we talk to," Dad said slowly. " You're the only one who ever has friends over- quite often, I might add. We dont' understand. We don't know what you're thinking, but we do know we do not have a daughter named Lola and never did."28

I stared at them in disbelief. Then I looked down at Lola, still smiling sneakily. I was beginning to get the picture. She'd done something to my parents! She'd done something to turn them against me, to think I was crazy!29

" What did you do?" I growled at her. Seizing her shoulders, I pinned her agaisnst the chair.30

" What did you do to them? Tell me, tell me, tell me!" I shrieked. " You bunny, you liar, you witch!"31

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother begin to cry. My father stood up, muttering about calling for help. I felt a rush of panic- what were they going to do to me? But not enough panic to leave Lola. I yelled at her, then began to hit her, hoping to elicit a response, but she was much tougher this time. I couldn't get her to say a word, let alone scream as she'd done before. She was no longer afraid of me or what I could do to her. I guess dying so many times does that to you.32

When the people in white came for me she had still not said a word. As tehy took me away in a tight white jacket that locked my arms to my sides, she was still smiling wickedly, knowing I could never kill her now, knowing she'd won...

***********************************************************************

Dr. Daphne Wendell exhaled as she slunk back into her chair before her desk, putting her head in her hands and closing her eyes briefly. She rocked from side to side. She was exhausted, having hardly slept the past four days, and her new patient had only further wearied her tired brain.

She had just had her first session with Irene Varrick, a small 14 year old who had only been admitted to Wayland Mental Health Clinic, where she worked, yesterday evening. From only one session Daphne could already tell Irene was going to be a challenge to work with. She had never worked with a split personality before and was not sure what was the best way to approach treating them.

Sighing, she sat up, running a hand through her straight brown hair and glancing at the notes from their session. Though Irene had not actually told her much about herself, she had managed to infer quite a bit.

Irene, at 14, had another personality called Lola. She believed Lola to be a separate person from herself, her older sister, in fact. From what Irene had said about Lola, Daphne could with almost certainty say that Lola was the parts of Irene that she could not cope with having herself. Lola was mean, spiteful, cruel, all things Irene could not allow herself to be. Lola was lustful, wanting every boy she met to give her notice. Lola wanted attention and demanded it, where Irene could not bring herself to.

At the same time, it seemed to Daphne that not only did Lola possess the qualities Irene did not want to have, but also the traits she did want but was afraid to have. Lola was gorgeous and sexy, popular and charming, sought after by peers. She was everything Irene secretly wanted to be but was afraid to become for fear of rejection. While Irene, the dominant personality, was withdrawn, plain, Lola sparkled.

Daphne supposed Irene switched from being Irene to Lola quite often, and so subtly it was hard for anyone to see anything other than a change in mood. In fact, Irene's parents had said as much when they'd met with Daphne yesterday.

" We always thought it strange," Mrs. Varrick had said tearfully, " how one minute Irene would be the life of the party, laughing and surrounded by friends, and the next she'd be slumping off in the corner... we didn't know anything was wrong, we thought she was just moody! We thought it was a teenage thing!"

Daphne suspected Irene often carried on entire conversations with Lola entirely in her head. It would be hard for anyone not trained in psychology to tell what was going on.

The one thing she could not understand was why Irene would want to kill her off one of her personalities when that would, in fact, be killing off part of herself. But maybe that was the point. Maybe in trying to "kill" Lola, Irene's desire to be rid of her undesirable personality traits had overridden her desire to be like Lola. But not enough, apparently, for Lola had not died on any of Irene's attempts. Perhaps this was her mind's way of saying she should give it a rest and admit she can be a mean hypocrite like the rest of us, Daphne thought wryly.

She had tried to discuss with Irene her attempts at "killing" Lola, but she had not stayed focused very long on Daphne's questions. She had kept circling back to insisting Lola was a real person, separate from herself. All gentle attempts to persuade her otherwise were vehemently rebuffed.

" If Lola is not a real person, if Lola is me, then how did she introduce me to Cole? Cole heard her! My parents and I have been talking to her for years!" Irene insisted. " And her friends- they heard her talking to me, they talk to her! And Cole- I saw him kiss her! He kissed HER, not me!"

Daphne had attempted to suggest gently that though it may have been "Lola" he was kissing, and who spoke and did these things, but Irene's body that others spoke to, kissed, and touched. This, along with her explanation that perhaps Lola's conversations had occurred entirely in her mind had not convinced Irene. she had left the session angry and determined to prove Daphne wrong to earn her way out of the hospital.

Putting down her notes, Daphne began to write slowly, thinking up ways more likely to get through to Irene. Maybe next session she would have more success with her...

Irene's admission sheet to the hospital

Wayland Mental Health Clinic

Name: Irene Varrick Date: 8/4/05

Time admitted: 7:57 pm How: ambulatory

Appearance: white female, 14 years; complexion medium, dark brown hair,

thin, dressed in tight jeans and low cut red top

Behaivor: fought to get out of strait jacket, demanded to be set loose, agitated and insistent to be heard, rambling.

Temperature: 99 Pulse:80

Height: 5'0 Weight: 88 pounds

Admitting nurse: Sharon Desmond

Remarks: seemingly hallucinates both visually and auditorially as well as sensorly. Maybe schizophrenic or a split personality. Very resistent.