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“Isabella, doing this won’t help me.” I was in tears ready for anything she might use against me. She stood in the rain looking at me with a grin and a waver of her feet towards me. The rain was pouring hard; standing on the ledge was becoming scary. She won’t listen to me, funny how things work out in the company of misery. 2
“Isabella, Isabella, that get’s annoying you know . Ali, Ali, annoying right?” She laughed a heartfelt laugh that would scare anyone away. She stepped closer towards me still wearing that creepy smile. Rage invaded my body, my figure tips in flame and my head spinning. 3
“Isabella, stop please!” I couldn’t stop it from screaming it’s way out. Normally people with a personality disorder would have to personalities but some go far from just personality. I couldn’t hold on, the ledge started to look inviting compared to what awaited me on the road.4
“You know, mom never really wanted you. She only kept you because no one would take you. And I myself felt bad as well,” She laughed, “Not to mention you’re a freak, look at yourself.” She covered the distance separating us, clanged on to my shoulders with a strong grip. Her wetted lips at my ear, she spoke “Your… worth… nothing!” 5
The ledge wasn’t there anymore; neither was the rail holding my arms around it. The rain still pouring left water running down my face. I wasn’t sure if they where tears of the rain, all that was in sight was the torn body of my sister lying on the road laughing, blood covering her. Then the image changed to a monster in the reflection of a lost scared girl. Not human, but also, not any fictional creature you have every heard of. 6
The face of that girl reminded me of the girl that would always bring flowers to the graves that had empty vases. That girl had an older sister, she died young. The girl was never right after the accident, most believed she blamed herself. 7
The pain her expression showed was that of a lost soul. Who would have thought it would be me, falling … dying.
Author notes
This came to mind randomly. I really don't know the reason for this short story. Just something that I wrote. He he, I'm weird.
Kenia
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This was an interesting read, that I quite liked. Only mistake I caught that the others didn't seem to have mentioned is the last line on paragraph 4 - your needs to you're. Other than that, great job! Very sad, but very interesting and well written.
Lex
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thank you for reading!
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This was an interesting little read.
I did enjoy it. It was a sad little tale that sadly happens in real life at times. but greatly written. I could feel the struggle from my computer desk. haha.
there were a few mistakes though like all humans make. But it looks to me like Grey2020beard found most of them.
but in paragraph 6.) it should be "ever heard of" and "were tears"
Other than that great story. and I'm looking forwad to reading more of your tales.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was an interesting little write. The conflict between the sisters was depicted well and the dialogue wasn't bad.I did have some question as to your word choice in a few spots. Para1-line3 I think that shifted her feet or took a step toward me, would flow better. Para2-line2, heartfelt smile would read better as evil or malevolent would work a little better, seeing as how it scares Ali. Para3-line4 finger. Para4-line1 you could strike out 'it's way out'. Those word are really unnecessary. line2 two personalities. Para5-line4-you have clanged on my shoulders, did you mean clamped? Same line wet instead of wetted lips. Para6-line1 is confusing. Maybe you could reword it. Line3 might be clearer if it read something like, With the rain still falling, I wasn't sure if it was rain or tears running down my face. Anyway, that's all I saw. It's a very good little story though and I look forward to reading more of your work.
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This was really good. I could feel the emotion just wafting off the screen at me. I usually try to stay away from sad things, but this drew my attention; and surprisingly kept it until the end.
I feel sorry for the little girl, her sister is sooo mean, but things like that happen in families...some families at least. Good job!
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It was very well written though. The older sister was mean. =.= you don't play with peoples feelings.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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