Well, Diary,1
Another day has come and gone. How lovely. Another day has ticked by, and I am still lost and lonely. But that’s not why I chose tonight to come back and record my petty existence. I know you and I haven’t been the best of friends, but I think that’s mostly my fault. You, my diary, force out of me the truth about myself and my life, and to be perfectly honest, I hate that. I rather like my fairy-tale fantasy world, thank you very much! But I think tonight honesty is appropriate.2
I’ve been dancing since February. Did I tell you that? Almost six months! Jazz and ballet. It’s hard to believe. I don’t know what came over me, but suddenly, I wanted to dance. I mostly wanted to improve my chances at the summer teen musical. But for some reason, I didn’t want to quit dance when I didn’t make the cut.3
I’m not the best, not by far, but I love it. I love trying to be pretty and graceful. I love it when I succeed. I even love the tears that I cry in frustration. It proves that I am still alive inside. 4
And I am improving, which is encouraging. But it’s a slow process. I don’t really have the strength to do everything I want to do. And I don’t have all the flexibility, either. I stretch for 30-45 minutes in my room, every day. I guess this is becoming OCD, huh?5
I want to do pointe. I’ve always wanted to do pointe. Did you know that? I’ve wanted to do pointe ever since I saw The Nutcracker on TV. And when Malissa started getting really serious about ballet, I could have killed to be her! I don’t know why I didn’t beg my parents to join…6
But while all this is all fun and happy, I still haven’t gotten to the reason why I’m here, tonight, writing my little thoughts down in an inanimate book and pretending that it can understand what I’m saying. 7
I’m taking four dance classes a week. I want to do five, but the fifth is Saturday mornings, and I don’t want to have to wake up so early. The other reason why I’m not doing the fifth is because, well, dance is getting pretty expensive, and Mom is getting really, really angry. They just forked over a bunch of money to redo my room because they hadn’t done it yet (and they’re running out of time before I move out), and I just got my senior pictures done. AND I’m still doing soccer, which they say is getting more and more expensive. 8
So what am I going to do? I’m supposed to be saving for college, and I just went to Europe, AND I’m not getting that many hours at work because Lindsay and Kyle are getting priority… And now Mom wants me to pay for some of the dance. That’s fine. I’m happy that she’s still letting me do it and she’s not making me pay for all of it, but I guess this means no more shopping for me!9
It’s just so frustrating, because I only have one more year to do everything I want to do, and then, off to college for Kyla! It’s the beginning of the end, in my opinion. Will I still be able to dance at college? Or will everyone be amazing so I’ll be too self-conscious to join? And then, if I don’t dance for four years, will I lose everything I’ve gained? And will I have time to dance when I’m “grown up” and I have a job? Where will I be in five years? Will there be a good place to dance wherever I go?10
I really don’t want to go. I don’t want to be a scientist or a lawyer. I’d rather be an author or a singer or an actress or a dancer. But I’m not good enough at any of these things to “make it big”! And I won’t be a struggling artist. That’s not what I want for myself. That’s not what people expect of me. I wish all these expectations would just go away. There’s so much pressure; I feel like I can’t be me.11
Who is “me,” anyway? Anyone who can read my mind and tell me wins a prize! But if I don’t know, no one else will. How annoying. I guess it’s just “one of those things” that you have to “do for yourself”! I’m sick of hearing that.12
I don’t want more responsibility; I don’t want to leave the only life I’ve ever known; and I surely do not want to forsake the few things that make me happy. Because writing and dance, they make me strangely and inexplicably happy. I’m filled with a wild joy and excitement whenever I pen a few words, hum a few notes, or do piqué turns down the hall… I want to do photography and painting, too, mostly because thinking about them fills me with the same crazy felicity. But these things aren’t “practical”; I know they aren’t. No one has to tell me. Maybe it’s the forbidden aspect that captures my imagination. All I know is that they make me happier than any of the “responsible” jobs I have pondered or any of the classes I have taken.13
I think, Diary, I don’t want to grow up. I think I need to find Never Never Land. Third star from the right and straight on till morning, right? Or was that second star from the right and straight on till morning? I hope they do ballet there, because that would make the place perfect. No responsibilities and song and dance all day long! They better have ballet, because once I find this inviting, elusive land of freedom, I am never leaving. Never. No matter what. Right now, it exists only in my head. But some day, I hope it will be a reality. Song and dance all day long… (Yeah, that sounds like fun!) Never grow old… (I never liked wrinkles anyway!)14
Paging Peter Pan! Paging Peter Pan! We have a broken dream in house number 5, and the contents have spilled all over the floor. Would you please come fix it? 15
I wish.16
Some day I will fly away. 17
Until then, I remain,18
Yours truly,19
Kyla the not-so-elegant-and-very-confused 20
21
Author notes
Yes, this is a slighly random slice of my life. But I feel it reflects the confusion and turmoil within... Probably not my best, but hey, it felt good to get it out.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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great porm `
Oh oh this is wonderful to do a lovelly poem. And exspical dandcing. I love (Ballet) (exspical doing The Nutcrack) I did the Nutcracker eight times.
I am bookmarking this one.
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Thanks, Kate!!! I really appreciate it. You're going to be a junior? Good luck. I just finished my junior year, and it was the worst yet. But everyone always says that. My sister says the senior year was the worst for her, though, 'cause of the senior project and college apps.
But don't be too scared. I found junior year manageable. And the good news for both of us is that people before us have survived high school to tell the tale. It's college that worries me now...
Thanks for the reassurance!!!
Kyla -
I think that EVERY teen feels this way! I know that I'm going to be a junior and it scares me to death!
I'm not ready to grow up, either!
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
Kate
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