He looked over the plans again. He had to drill this information into his head or else it will never work as it was supposed to. There was little room for mistakes. It had been a while since he last done this, but everything was going to be fine.1
His forehead was dripping of sweat. The little apartment he lived in had no air conditioning. It was in the middle of the night in the summer. He ran his long pale fingers through his short, black hair. His blue eyes were scanning his notes for the twelfth time.2
“I go downstairs. Turn left. Go out the front door. Go straight to the gate. Turn left. Walk a mile straight ahead. Turn right. Walk sixteen steps then turn a hard right. Open the front door. Walk up the stairs located on the left side. Turn a right at the top. Walk five steps and turn right at the bedroom door. Shoot him twice in the head. Turn around and come back,” he muttered repeatedly under his breath.3
This wouldn’t be the first time he murdered in his sleep. A year earlier, he was on trial for killing four people at a gas station. But the twist was, he did it all in his sleep. It had taken the judge and jury months to come to a decision.4
They found him innocent with reasons of insanity. He was immediately sent to an asylum where he had to remain there for the rest of his life. The guards strapped his body down on a bed in a little white room in fear of killing anyone who comes in to see him. Day and night, he laid there staring at the while ceiling muttering to himself.5
“Loosen straps. Get off the bed. Stand by the door. Wait for the night guard to come through the door. Strangle him. Take his gun located on his right hip. Take his badge located in his left breast pocket. Run down the hallway and swipe the badge to open the cage door. Go down the stairs on the right side. Turn left. Kill the man behind the front desk with gun. Run through the front door and just run until I fall.” He fell asleep.6
The next morning, the newscaster reported two guards dead from strangulation and one shot in the head at the front desk. The public was informed about the one missing insane person who had to be responsible for the death of the three people.7
He had woken up three miles away from the asylum. His white slacks were covered with dirt and leaves. His feet bloodied after running over twigs. He still had the guard’s gun in his left hand. He smiled in victory. Everything went recording to the plan. He dropped the gun and started walking away. There was no point of taking it with him now that he was awake. It didn’t matter if the cops and detectives find it because they already knew it was him.8
For a year, he had changed his appearance, his name, and his whole life. No one could recognize him now. For a whole year, he hadn’t killed a single person. Not because he wanted a clean start, but there was no one worth his time to kill. That changed in a week ago. Klaus Boreal.9
Just the thought of the name made him curl his fist. Tonight will be the night Klaus Boreal will draw his last breath. 10
Author notes
I watch a lot of crime shows and I'm fasinated by killers because of their thinking and why they do it. I am working to become a crime lab technician myself.
For contest username: Angelic Dragon
A contest entry
- Insane Enough For You? by ArtistoLeVerse.
100 points, ended June 19, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Almost Anything Goes! by toolenduso.
875 points, ended July 17, 78 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Killing spree for the innocent by hazenswert-liebe.
100 points, ended July 28, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want the most entries EVER by Everpurple.
400 points, ended October 30, 221 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Novels contest by Hloverofpeace.
225 points, ended August 10, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Three Options by Miss Recondite.
140 points, ended October 25, 61 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? This is only my second rough draft.
Comments
1 - 95 of 95
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I like the way the killer thinks - so orderly, so psychopatically "everything must be right". This was a whole new way of writing, to me. Original and hooking. Nice twist with him killing in his sleep; that made the plot a little bit more distinguishable from others, and not too silly, either. I think this draft is really great and there can't be that much work left. This: "where he had to remain there for the rest of his life", seems wrong however. This:"The guards strapped his body down on a bed in a little white room in fear of killing anyone who comes in to see him." too. But I did almost not notice the grammar, and I think this story has a lot of potential.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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It's awesome - I do hope you continue! It does seem interesting.
Also I want to see more of Leko's Memories. They all seem awesome.
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Thank you thank you. no worries. I'm going to continue on with this one and I'm still working on the Leko's Memories series
have faith in me lol. I shall get them done soon.
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I love the title. It is one of the things that perked my interest in the story. I think sometimes we forget how important a title is in the full scope of a story or a book. Argh I can feel the lack of room with no air conditioning. Seems a bit of a clostrophocic feel. I think that small description really intensifies the tension of the piece.
Nicely done. -
This was really good, there was a person like this on the news once and every night he tied himself to a radiator before he went to sleep lol but anyway back to the story, you have to continue!! Unless you have and in that case i will be reading it shortly, but i hope you have!!! Lol
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Really on the news? Wow guy must have been nuts.
No I haven't continued this one yet. I have been meaning to but my writing plate is so felled at the moment that it's over flowing. -
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Oooh, then put it as number one reserve lol
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The first paragraph was quite a beginning hook. It drew me in instantly. I loved the way you incorporated the description of your character.
This whole thing is really creepy...but awesome at the same time!!! It's such a twist....good job. -
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Thank you. ^_^ I'm glad that it really sucked you in. I think this is one of my best stories so far.
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Haha this was insane.. literally haha
I liked it. I was just wondering what the killer was like, what his desires were and so forth, when the reason for his escape surfaced: his desire to kill Klaus Boreal. It made an interesting twist, I am curious of what will happen next
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Thanks for reading and commenting. ^_^
I remember watching this true crime show and I was also writing on another story. And they were suddenly talking about someone that once killed in their sleep. I thought it was so bizarre that I actually googled and did some research and there are quite a few cases of people killing in their sleep.
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Very interesting. Killing in sleep, huh? Good job, I extremely loved this piece. I'm am very sorry to say, it won't make finalist, and I slightly regret it, but I have over 50 entries, so I want the smallest finalist list.
I hope to see more of your sadistically sweet stories in the near future. XD
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I'm glad you entered my contest!! really!!
he kills in his sleep? that left me breathless.
you NEED to continue.. really!! you do!!
it was amazing at how you described everything.
but i have a few questions?
or at least one.. what's his name?
I like how this is totally different then anything that's been entered.
i like shows like this, well some.. and so i'm glad someone on this site is writing similar to it.
I actually have a story called 'juvenile' right now it only has 2 chapters..
if you're interested in reading it please do.
you're one of my favorites on the list for the winners of my contest
xoxo
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thank you! ^_^ lol you just made my day with your comment. His name is Break Colter. I've only written this much for right now. I'm actually working on a short story mini horror series (i know long title lol) and he's name is Leko Poison and he's actually the brother of Break Colter (Leko changed his last name and yeah he's a sick character but cant help but love him lol) if you want you can always check those out.
I'll definitely check out your story. Thank you for hosting the contest.
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Definitely!! i'm glad you entered!! like i said before. haha.
that sounds amazing. send me a message to let me know when you update more of this if you don't mind. I really wanna find out HOW he kills in his sleep. and hahaha the reader always HAS to love the main character.. it's like mandatory. honestly.
great job!! really.
i've re-read this a couple times now.
i'm in love<3
hahaha.
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You know, for someone who lives in the asylum, he's pretty smart. I'm impressed - the fact anyone can figure out they could do any of that while sleeping makes me feel pretty uncomfortable and, well, kinda freaked. :/
For a second draft it's amazing. (For a tenth draft it's amazing, too, even though it isn't...) I've decided that I'm in love with your writing style, hun!
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Thank you ^_^ I have actually read some cases where people have killed in their sleep only they didn't plan it out. It's pretty strange but interesting to read.
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If you are thinking like this, you should be a crime lab technician. I'm a bit scared now for this Klaus person! Insane person knows what he doin!
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Wow.
Interesting.
Killing in his sleep? What an original and great idea!
I think ti was the beginning itself that caught my attention. It was good and a capturing intro.
You did a wonderful job with this. I couldn't keep my eyes off the screen!
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Lol thank you.
I actually got the idea from a true mystery show. I did some research (got to love google) and it inspired me into writing this.
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Haha I LOVE this. Awesome idea for a story. I can't wait to see more of this. Serial killer who only kills in his sleep. Wow that is different but rockin. Great job.
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Great idea you had for this story. Think you can do a lot more with it, but that's just my opinion. I liked it.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Ooh, nice idea. I really love the creativity you put to work here...especially the legal ramifications. I also love the style, the repetition and precise planning he can only execute while he's asleep.
So thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!
Style: 9/10
Flow: 9/10
Uniqueness: 5/5
Readability: 7/7
Effect: 8/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 4/5
Total: 45/50 -
What a great idea! Having a serial killer murder in his sleep, that is an interesting MO.
The ending makes me wonder who the man is and what he did to bring the killer out of his "retirement." I thought it was described well, and there were some light errors but nothing that ruins the story. And the concept behind it is perfect. It's very different. After reading two of your stories, I have to say I like your ideas.
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Thank you for all the lovely comment. ^_^ I do like those once in a while. Lol. Yeah I got the idea from a true crime show. I got interested and started googling sleep murders. There has been a few cases where people killed in their sleep. And of course being me and all, I so wanted to write one. Lol
though this story is pretty different from the actually cases because my guy is actually plotting it all out for him to do in his sleep. In the real cases, it just happened with no plan.
So it's really interesting and I hope this turns out well. -
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Well, that is cool that you used that for inspiration. And I think it's great that you want to be a crime lab technician. I see why that profession would interest you.
Speaking of the sleeping deaths...did you know that is what inspired Wes Craven to make Nightmare on Elm Street? He was fascinated by it. That, and this creepy incident that happened to him when he was a kid haha.
What crime shows do you like? I check out Law and Order, NCIS and CSI once in awhile. -
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Oh wow I didn't even know that inspired him to make nightmare on elm street. I guess if you think about it it makes sense.
I watch CSI (until grissom left), NCIS (I love them all), Crossing Jordan, and the Closer. -
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For more information about the issue, look up S.U.N.D.S or Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome. It's quite frightening.
I have not seen the Closer, but it sounds good. I am too much of a fan of Robot Chicken, Skateboarding Contests, Red Sox games and movies...so I miss out on other cool shows haha.
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this has the makings of a good short story. there's some grammar tweaks you could do and you switched a couple words in paragraph 5 - "staring at the while ceiling muttering". very intriguing plot and idea. this could go far.
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Thanks. I hope to have this go far but of course a writer never knows. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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Interesting idea, a somone who only kills in his sleep...
Well written, interesting, short. Liked reading it.
Good luck!
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A killer that only kills in his sleep... Creative. Defiantly worth a clap. Intriguing ending as well. Worth another. The rest... can't say. Short on details, understandable being an early draft. Lots of potential, though. :-)
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interesting premise
But it reads like a synapses rather than a story.
Could make more of the sleepwalking thing, as the fact he is asleep doesn't seem to matter, he just carries on with the plan he makes while awake.
As opposed to the Jeckle and Hyde scenario, where the waking self is a regular guy and the sleeping one is the pycho killer.
Also, the escape was a bit silly. Do the cell doors not have windows? And I don’t think they give nuthouse guards guns. They don’t even give prison guards them. (unless they in towers / on inaccessible walkways, etc.)
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Awesome! I found a couple of simple mistakes, but those are easy fixed. I really liked this. I watch a lot of Ghost whisperer type shows, so maybe that can inspire a story of mine. A great read.
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Interesting. I'd really like to read more, in fact, I've also been intrigued with how the mind of a serial killer works.
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5.
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Oh my god! that was great! scary, but great!
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Grand title and a terrific idea for a serial killer- horror story .
Are you planning to use this piece as the prologue or first chapter? I’m just curious. Either way it has enough information, action and shock value to capture your readers’ attention and leave them wanting more
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I look forward to the next post.
I made a few suggestions (just my humble opinion so you can use ‘em or lose ‘em
) but we do attempt to edit in this group--just an effort to help each other to make our novels marketable.
He looked over the plans again. He had to drill this information into his head (brain) or else it will never work as it was supposed to.
His forehead was dripping of sweat. The little apartment he lived in had no air conditioning. It was in the middle of the night in the summer. He ran his long pale fingers through his short, black hair. His blue eyes were scanning his notes for the twelfth time.2 (JMHO you have good info here but it seems like the sentences need shifting.) The little apartment he lived in had no air conditioning. (This sets your reader up for what comes next) It was in the middle of the night, in the summer, and his forehead was dripping of (from) sweat. He ran his long pale fingers through his short, black hair. His blue eyes were scanning his notes for the twelfth time.
They found him innocent with (by ) reasons (reason) of insanity. He was immediately sent to an asylum where he had to remain there for the rest of his life. ( Perhaps, sentenced to remain )
The guards strapped his body down on a bed in a little white room in fear of (his) killing anyone who comes in to see him. Day and night, he laid there staring at the while ceiling muttering to himself.5 (hmmm wonder what country he resides in
? Since this would be considered inhuman treatment in most modern societies.)
For a year, he had changed his appearance, his name, and his whole life. No one could recognize him now. For a whole year, he hadn’t killed a single person. Not because he wanted a clean start, but there was no one worth his time to kill. That changed in a week ago. Klaus Boreal.9 (The sentences are a bit off)
( This makes a good lead-in sentence to establish the time change.) For a whole year, he hadn’t killed a single person. Not because he wanted a clean start, but there was no one worth his time to kill. That changed in a week ago. Klaus Boreal.9
(NP)For a year, he had (concentrated on changing) changed his appearance, his name, and his whole life. No one could recognize him now.
Just the thought of the name (Klaus Boreal) made him curl his fist. Tonight will be the night Klaus Boreal will draw his last breath. 10
Great hook.
Geri
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Yeah - Everything went recording to the plan. - I think according.
Awesome, loved the way he receited the plan so efficiently with dedication to detail. Nice build up of suspense watching a lot of crime shows has really helped there. Interesting, when the lights go off i become a psychopath! Nice writing, interesting and unusual story, keep up the suspense!
-Melissa
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Wow, I thought this was really cool. It has a very interesting context and I think it's pretty creative. Nothing like a sleep killer lol. Great job!
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I love it! I am into crime stuff too! I think this was great insight into the mind of a psychotic killer. Great write!
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Killers have always fasinated me. Not by what they do, of course, but how their mind works and the motives behind the killings. They think differently from regular people and their story is far more interesting to read about than our own history. I thought I would try out a killer book and see how it works out.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
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I usually find these stories boring, but this is very creative, and I watch many crime tv things aswell :
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Yeah I do understand on the crime stuff. Some of them can be real boring. I like to try to had twists in my story to keep the reader hook.
Thanks for commenting and reading.
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a creative piece.nice work.
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Interesting
I don't read many story's were the murderer kills in their slepp. Cool, you,ve got some good imagination. Keep it up lol.
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this was very interesting.
Very creative.
Good luck.
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this is great, i loved it.
write more ok??? -
Eh.... I'm scare to crime story and killing story... but you r a great writter. i read it. i didn't even notice some of the mistaken grammar until i read some the comment. lolx.. gud job!!
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fascinating! killers have always intrigued me and i loved the sleep twist.
i did see one error. in paragraph 8 about half way down you put everything went RECORDING to plan. i think you meant everything went ACCORDING to plan.
great job on your story!
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this is a good story i love the way he was thinking and then it all came true! well writen
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It was a little short but I dont mind.You should continue this.Like yourself I too study serial killers a lot.Their motives their lives and backrounds and their styles.This was intresting,with the sleeping and all.
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Thank you for reading and commenting. Killers fascinate me. Not because they kill but the reason behind it is more fasinating. They're past and what they're character.
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You should totally continue
I agree with Jason-more detail would be nice.
But I love the plot so far...
Will there be more?
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Thanks for commenting. I definitely plan to write more in on this.
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This is really good. I think you could lengthen it with a little more detail, but the story was superb. I would like to read more on this is if you decide to continue with it.
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I've already commented on this outside of the group, but I will once again. My thoughts and feelings about this are the same as what I said in my previous comment.
~sberendt
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Yes. I really enjoyed the first paragraph. Drew me in wonderfully. I would like to see more emotion throughout though. Let me truly Feel who this character is feeling. Like some have said before, five senses. Overall, very good.
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I really like this. It was interesting and worth reading. Maybe if you go through and add some more details, it would be even better.
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Hmmm..interesting, sounds like revenge is the main plot. What is going to happen now?
I didn't see any errors, if you thought you'd made any.
I think this needs some work as far as 'hooking the reader in' goes, but overall it was engaging.
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I really liked it. The thing about him repeating things so he'd do them in his sleep was fascinating!
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Its really good, you should definitely write more!!!
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Amazing! Write more! Very interesting though creepy! Keep up the good work!
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This is really, really good. Please continue; I want to read more! I think this could be the beginning of a great novel.
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Hey zaknafein,
Nice start. Take care of the editing and this could work into a good novel.
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Thanks for taking the time to read it and comment. I'm hoping this will turn out well.
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Excellent
I really love how the character is almost insane yet reasonable. It almost reminds me of Hannibal Lector in that sense. I think you definately put in a lot of research into sleepwalking. I loved the beginning with him going over the plan. I seriously thought that he was a detective at first.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Oooooh, I want to read more! I like that the main character is the 'bad guy.' Most people would not do that. Great job!
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that was absolutely amazzing...i want to read more!
lol
i have no other words to say...im at a loss. lol
great write ^_^
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good job!!! although you had some grammar mistakes, even if it is a rough draft you should revise and edit it, so when people see it they won't go on and on about the errors. other than that, very good.
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Potential! I can see it.
Firstly, I would suggest that you revise this for grammar. Most pointedly the first paragraph, where I think you switch from past- to present-tense in one sentence. Here in particular, you seem to have skipped a word; "It had been a while since he last done this, but everything was going to be fine." There needs to be a second "had" in there. I would reccommend you place it between he and last. Perhaps a change of was to would is in order, also.
Aside from the trivial small details, this is an idea I haven't quite seen before - though you let yourself down a little by overtly stating your "big twist" - it's far too early in the story to be doing that! And you shouldn't state it so plainly. If it must be mentioned earlier, maybe you should phrase it differently. Perhaps he could be nicknamed "The Sleepwalker" [or something less cruddy than what I can come up with!].
What I mean to say is, the reader will have much more fun if they work this out by themselves. Not completely by themselves, of course; but don't spoil the interesting bits right at the very beginning.
All in all, however, after a little proofreading I'm sure this will result in a very exciting prologue! -
Judge's comment
This is certainly a different and more interesting way of doing crime. Indeed, I was very fascinated by what you came up with for the several contests you've entered, including my own. It's very good for a first draft, but I think that on the next draft you could put in some more emotion and feelings, etc.
Good luck, though... you're a finalist!
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Wow thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be a finalist. thanks for doing the contest and good luck with your judging
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It sounds interesting, but It's hard
to believe he would be found innocent of killing all those people in his sleep. I have heard of sleepwalking killers, but never of one that seems to program their brain for what to do, then fall asleep and carry it out. It could be a very interesting concept, but still needs a lot of developement. Good luck with it.
Trish
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Love the idea
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Absolutely needs alot of work--but there is something there,if you care to chisel it out.
beginning: 5, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Loved IT
This was a great story! i liked it!! i think you should write more stuff like this! its great for a rough draft! You should work on it more! to make it the best it can be! cant wait to read your other work.
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Original!
I think this could be an elaborate piece. Build on the back story a bit more. Add more suspence. More moments of thrill. Surround us with the scene. The smell, the feel, the look of everything.
I think it could be a terrific piece. It's a great idea and you should definitely work on it. Great job!
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Thank you for taking the time and reading it. This is really the rough draft of the preface. It was an idea I have been bouncing around for a while and was curious if people thought it would be something worth reading. I think I just might have to work on it and make it into a novel. Thanks.
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Held My Attention
Held my attention, but kind of got confusing at points. If you worked on it a bit more and built up on it, it would be a great story- not that it isn't all ready, it would be a better one. -
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Ok glad that it held your attention. That was what I was shooting for. Prologues and prefaces are always confusing at first until you start reading into it more. I definitely plan to go back and add a little bit more to it so it's less confusing. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
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Creepy but good
I really liked this, it was strange and I would like some more explaining as to what is going on, and who Klaus Boreal is, but it was interesting, and held my attention. I think this could become a really good story if you continued it, which I hope you do.
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I promise you that in the first chapter you will understand a little bit more. This is the preface so I didn't really want to get into too much details. This is just an attention grabber at most. You'll get to understand more of who Klaus Boreal is and more on this killer. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this.
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It's interesting. Keep going!
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Thanks. I'm glad you found this interesting. I definitly plan to write more onto this.
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pretty interesting and yes off to a very good start.
Do like the subject and yes alot happens when you fall asleep than you really know but he seem to remember it all. Does it have to do with the fact that he went to trial for some of the murders. It really kept my attention and some grammar mistakes but i can see around that to get the story. I like you did research and yes seen a case like this and another of taking meds and landing up somewhere else and a crime had been committed and I like where this is going and well would like to find out who Klaus is. This is different route for you but it will make you good at all phases of story writing and poem also. Thanks it was done well and with a few tweaks , many will appreciate it more, but I like it.
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Sorry I have been so behind on my comments that I didn't rwplr to your comment. I'm really glad that you enjoy this. I wasn't too sure what people would think of it so I just wrote the preface and posted it to see what you all thought. It looks like everyone is liking it so I definitly plan to write more onto this.
You will definitiy get to know who this Klaus Boreal is and get into the mind of the killer. It is a scary thought of what you can do in your sleep.
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Pretty Good
i would lenthen the story. It's good as far as it goes: tension, direct, straight forward plot which is easy to follow, well polished. I would make the story longer. Add to the plot. Think about it! You can make this more exciting.
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Thank you for commenting and I have definitly thought of how I can make this onto a more attention grabber. I want the readers to feel the suspense. I just need so more detail and use the five senses. I always lack in that part. Thank you for commenting.
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really interesting idea. It would make an awesome novel! Keep writing!
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An interesting idea.
p-9 "Now one found recognize him now."?
and also p-3 "Shoot him a couple times" the couple seems off, since everything else is planned so carefully. Maybe shoot him twice in the head or something?
So ... he´s a lot stronger in his sleep then? Probably faster, more accurate, and more decisive too. I wonder what happens if things don´t go according to plan though. Does he wake up?
I´m curious as to who Klaus Boreal is. Criminal (he´d kill ala Dexter) ... or something more personal?
Anyway, very interesting.
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what do you mean i didn't respond? I did respond. lol XD
oh and i guess you did mention Dexter. haha
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3rd line didn't sound right sorry. I loved the rest of the story though, it shows a lot of promise. of course it needs work, but so does every story. Just a few tweaks here and there but the plot should be left untouched. The characters are so twisted and interesting.
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thank you for reading it. Are you talking about line three in the first paragraph or paragraph three? I'm a little confused on that one.
Grammar has never been my strong suit to tell you the truth but that doesn't stop me from writing. I will definitly need a thousand editors to help me. lol
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Twisted
I really like this story. It's definitely off to a very great start. I found it really interesting that the MC plans everything out and then sleepwalks and murders people. That is a new one on me. What makes it even more twisted is he knows exactly what he's doing and doesn't seem to care. Seriously, you have a great story in the making here.
There were some spelling errors that MS Word should be able to find and fix for you. Some of the sentences could be retouched to help with their flow and maybe a little grammar tweaking is needed.
All in all this was a very good start to a story. I can't wait for the next chapter to come out.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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thanks for reading this. I wrote this in my job. Slow day. lol and had a lot of paper with me. This idea of a serial killer killing in his sleep have been bouncing around my head for a couple of days. I actually googled and there are some real cases of it happening. Shocked me really when I read it.
I haven't read anything like this before and I wanted to take a small break from my beloved Flaeon and Mare. I thought it was good to do something slightly different.
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Adding your comment:
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