A Doomed Journal Entry

Wow. I never thought I would say this, but I don't think time helps. Seriously, my mind is doing a real fuck job on my thoughts. It's getting bad. Really bad. I had a dream about the you know who this morning. It fucking sucked so much. I think it's becuase last year around this time, I had what I can only say was the best day of my life. This was during the time when I was flirting with someone and I was in the musical. Damn, those were great times. 1

And then when I compare then to now, I fucking hate it. I see that I'm not having the time of my life like I was last year, and I fucking hate it. Then I start thinking about the you know who and how prom is coming up for them and I just fucking hate it. They're having a great time! Everyone is having a great time! It fucking sucks! People tell you to move on, but you have to have something to move on to, and I have nothing! Nothing that's going to overcome everything else that was good in the past and make me look forward to the future. I just keep looking to the past and comparing it to now, and I fucking hate where I am! 2

I FUCKING HATE IT!!!!!!!3

And I know there are things to look forward to in the summer. The musical, possible job, massive room project, major writing time. But I guess it's just not enough for me. And then I have to keep thinking of you know who having a better time than me. God, the thought of her being alone and miserable used to make me feel better, making it feel that I left an impact. But I know I didn't. Who the fuck am I joking with? You know who moved on in a week and what do I do? Leave my phone number on someone's desk 2 months later and get shot down. Who the fuck wouldn't forget me? 4

I'm fucking forgetable...5

Don't worry or feel bad, you'll find someone else my fucking ass!!!!!6

Don't worry. You'll find someone else right away. I just don't want you to feel hurt. Well guess what? I am fucking hurt! And I thought time would help and for a time it did but now it's worse than ever. And every time I think of you I just want to fucking kill you! 7

I just need something big, grandiose, exciting, and amazing to happen in my life so I can finally move on. So I can finally move on with what I was meant to do in this world. I just fucking hate it all! I have so much I want to do, so much I am amazing at, and I'm being held back in this fucking hell that I can't escape! And I don't mean my home or family, becuase they're awesome. I mean where I am personally and where I want to be. I just thought I would be farther than where I am right now, but I'm not where I thought I would be and I fucking hate it! 8

Life is too short to have all these fucking constraints! I just want to break free from all the shit and get a book published and make movies and act and do what I've always dreamt of doing. I'm tired of worrying about what has happened in the past and getting pissed off over shit that I'll never learn the answers to. I'm tired of liars and deceivers and manipulators and fucking everything! And then those people thinking they were in the right and I was in the wrong? 9

It's fucking ridiculous!!!10

I get my heart fucking torn out of my chest and devoured before my very eyes and I turn out to be the prick! That doesn't make any fucking sense! God one of these days I'm going to tell some certain people the truth about it all and then they will be the ones who have some fucking explaining and justifying to do!11

(sighs, takes deep breath)12

I just need something great to happen. I need my big break. And that's what this summer is for. I don't care what it fucking takes. I'm making everything happen this summer. 13

This summer, I'm taking control of it all and telling everyone else to fuck off!14

As for tonight, I'm going to go watch the Passion and get some much needed crying out of me, so I don't fucking break down or feel like breaking down at the wrong moment.15