With Love, Guinevere (pt. 1)

1

I had this ominous feeling. A feeling that told me that I'd never go home again. I believe that I cursed myself for being right.2

It all happened when I met Liam. You probably wouldn't call him spectacular, but he dazzled me. He was charming and funny and a little adorable. He tried so hard to hide his true nature, but very few people have been able to hide who they are from me when I made sure they knew they could talk to me no matter what.3

I certainly couldn't tell you the exact moment that my world came crashing down around me, but I knew I was falling beyond repair even before I met him. I knew it then because I knew he felt it too. 4

"Hey there," I whispered in his hear with a soft laugh as he jumped.5

He laughed with me as he turned around and drew me into his arms. "Don't scare me like that, Gwen!"6

"Like what?" I joked innocently. I twined my fingers through his and settled down at the table next to him. Sadly, I can't say I couldn't remember life without him, but I can say I became stronger for losing him, but that's later. I couldn't, however, remember what life was like before I met him. Was it a bit calmer, perhaps? Oh well, his turbulence was completely welcome in my life.7

I listened to the group's lively conversation. Juggaloes, they called themselves, loyal fans of the group Insane Clown Posse. ADHD to the core, the whole lot of them. But maybe that's why I enjoyed their company so much. Hyper they may be, but they lived and they were completely loyal to the others. I may have never liked clowns, much less ICP (Insane Clown Posse), but the love I bore Liam bade my heart to stick around. In any case, Petra, a girl who called herself "J" for Violent J from the group welcomed me whole-heartedly into the group before she left the school for good. For being the only person in the entire school who truly accepted me for who I was, for all my quirks, I felt a slight obligation (in the ties of a very unusual friendship) to stick around and make sure they treated Petra right. I think I was the only on besides Liam who called her that. Liam, Amber and me, though Amber is an entirely different story.8

There were no secrets between us. Or, rather, there were no secrets between them, the Juggaloes. I never opened up enough to bare my soul to the kind of people who would have made my life a living hell in normal circumstances. 9

You could say I bonded to them silently from grief, it's close enough to the truth. You could have said that my heart was simply rebelling, but the first suggestion is closer. I was too quiet to rebel; too shy. In truth, I'm not quite sure I knew how. I was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to go home. 10

I knew it was in van and yet still, nearly six years later, I'm trying to fight my way back to a home I have been shown no longer exists. But I lived, empty, day-by-day, praying and hoping that all this emotional pain and bullshit would just eventually go away.11

Liam squeezed my hand gently. I looked up into the warm cocoa eyes that were questioning my own. He pulled me away from the group with promises that we'd be back and led me around outside the cafeteria to the end of the semi-empty bleachers before he looked back at me. "You looked pale back there, Gwen. What's wrong?"12

"I'm just thinking, I guess."13

"You think too much," he whispered.14

I smiled wanly. "I know." I felt constantly dizzy and tired and that feeling was typically amplified when I was being confronted.15

"Please, Guinevere. Talk to me."16

"I don't know how, Liam. You know that. You've always known that." I paused, looking up into his eyes. They always seemed so warm and inviting; cool and calm like Liam pretended to be. "Maybe that's why you found it in your heart to protect me."17

"Maybe." I turned from him and paced a few steps away from his touch, away from the comfort I drew from him constantly. He was the other half of my soul. I'm not sure if I knew it then, (and I don't think I did) but there was no way that I could live without his constant fire and his infinite love. "Guinevere?" I felt my strength waning even then, even if it did take a year or so to fully eat at me like the canker sore it promised to be. "Gwen, please. You're quiet, but you haven't been this quiet for months."18

"Oh, but I have. You've just never been around to see it."19

He kissed my forehead gently. "I would give the world to be there for you, Guinevere. I hope you know that."20

I smiled up at him and answered in a whisper, "I know." I was sure he'd give anything to protect me at home as well as at school, but I knew it was impossible. Which is why I didn't understand why he didn't know what it meant to me when he was there for me when I needed him at school. But that gratitude works both ways. It tears me in two when I've felt like he'd abandoned me. It did, however, make the inevitable reunion sweeter to bear. 21

He knew the magnitude of my love for him and quite frankly, that frightened him. He also knew that I could forgive him almost anything. He was my first love (and my soulmate, I was sure), it took me forever to do so sometimes but I always forgave him. He never asked more of me than I wanted to give.22

~*But even soulmates can have their bittersweet moments*~23

Love, 24

Guinevere25