Like Breathing

1

[Perfectly Rational Fears]2

He’s lying in the bed, all curled up, and you look down at him.3

Jerry…that’s his name…4

You can’t remember, exactly, how you got him for a roommate. He’s a wimp, you know. It’s really obvious, just from looking at him.5

He’s the kind of boy who cries in his sleep and fears things that go bump in the night. You don’t know exactly why you still put up with him, why you didn’t up and leave the first night you spent listening to him talk feverishly in his sleep.6

He has another fever, you know, because your hand burns when you put it on his forehead. It isn’t very high, so you aren’t very worried.7

You’ll have him take an Aspirin or something when he wakes up, and after that it will be better.8

Most of the fevers he gets are because he is stressed out, or afraid, or sad. They’re called psychosomatic.9

The only reason you bothered to learn that word is because of him.10

He’s fascinating, you think. He’s your friend. Perhaps even your best friend. He’s the first person you ever really got truly close to.11

You’ve have lots and lots of friends and one night stands before him, but with Jerry, well…you really got close. 12

But you still don’t know why you didn’t just go find another best friend, one who didn’t have problems, who didn’t randomly get fevers, whose turned-on light pouring into your room didn’t keep you up when you tried to sleep.13

He’s bothersome. 14

You sometimes wish you had never met him, each time he mumbles loudly in his room, prayers that mean nothing to you, sometimes you wish you could just go.15

But you can’t. You can’t just leave.16

It would be like drowning a kitten, like kicking a puppy, like laughing at pictures of war.17

You can’t just do that.18

You can’t do that…19

…Because when you first met him, his smile was contagious.20

…Because he helped you with your English class.21

…Because he’s dedicating his first book to you, to John with love.22

*…Because he cares.*23

And you can’t just reject him after all of that.24

That’s why you tell him there’s no need to apologize when he feels bad at keeping you up at night.25

That’s why you say his fears are perfectly rational, because in some sick, twisted way, they are.26

That’s why you smile at him and drink coffee with him and work on your term papers together in the middle of the night.27

Because he needs you so much.28

And you need him back.29

The End30