Dear Mom

Dear Mom,1

I would call this a thank you note. Except I'm not thanking you for much of anything. I'm not thanking you for the times you didn't come home for days. I'm not thanking you for the times you left me in the care of Jaislyn for a week. I was five, by the way. I'm not thanking you for the times you hit me and didn't feed me, the times you yelled at me in public, and the times that I went to bed praying for a new mom.2

Mom, I didn't ask Dad to beat on you. But I did ask you to stop beating me. Pouring your pain on me for 18 years is unacceptable. As much as you hurt, I hurt too. I am not an object you merely use for personal anger control then dump like I'm not worth your time.3

Mom, right now I should be dead. Honest to God. I should have been pushed to the edge of my human exsistence and killed myself some how. But you know why I didn't? Because I can do something better. Something better than you ever did. 4

Maybe I am thanking you then. I wouldn't feel the need to go on if it wasn't for an animal like you. But then, I would have never needed something to push me on like this if it wasn't for you. So in the end, you aren't nessecary in this life equation. 5

So now I'm 18. I'm an adult, and I'm legally out of your care. I feel great if I didn't mention that. Now I can move out and get a job and support myself. Which means I can basically continue what I've been doing for the past fifteen years or so. 6

After I've raised enough money to buy a house, I'm going to take Jaislyn off your hands. She'll live with me for high school and not have to deal with you. And I'll think she'll pull through a lot better than I did. Considering I had to wake up half an hour later every morning to make sure you wouldn't hurl a dish at me as I walked through the kitchen. Then I would be late for school, rack up demerits, and be in detention. By the time I got home, I may have been able to stop Jaislyn from being beaten, maybe. 7

Also, I'm not giving you this letter until Jaislyn is gone, considering you'll beat the living crap out of her until she has to be hospitalized, or worse. Because everything would be her fault right? Just kidding. It's your fault, but you can't live up to that, so you just beat someone up until you're too angry to remember anything! 8

Continuing with my future plans. Ater I buy my house and get a good job, I'm going to find someone who loves me, and I love them back. They won't force me to do anything that I don't want to. Now I'm not sending any hidden messages about the man you married, Mom. I know that you told me he changed a lot after you married, but Mom, come on. I saw the letters he wrote you. God Mom, he told you where to be, when to be there, and how long you would be there. He made you pay for everything and would beat you up if you did so much as gaze at another man. That's not a neon warning sign flashing in your face or anything.9

After that, I'm going to start a family, and raise my kids right. I'm not going to make them fend for themselves, make them take care of each other at ridiculous levels, or hurl dishware at them because they say good morning. I'm going to teach them right from worng and good from bad. I'm going to teach them courtesy and respect, so that we won't be banned from neighbors houses.10

So in a way Mom, I kind of am saying thanks to you. I'm saying thanks for teaching me what not to be. I'm thanking you for making sure I don't marrying a cruel man and not raising kids if I don't really want to. 11

And another thing Mom, a wonderful mother could also have taught me those things too. It's really a shame I had to learn it your way.12

Yours, but not anymore,13

Heather14