Gone. For Good And For Ever.

I fell apart at her funeral. It was awful. I was in denial until I saw her cold life-less body lying in that wooden prison. Heavy sobs caught in my throat and tears began to blur my vision. 1

She was gone, for good and for ever. 2

I was furious with the hypocrisy of it all. She had rosary beads entwined around her stiff frozen hands. That was the exact moment my faith in God died. All my beliefs and security crashed and burned before my eyes. Suddenly I was exposed, I was walking a thin tight rope, fifty feet in the air with no safety net and I was afraid. 3

I struggled out of my mothers embrace and walked slowly towards her coffin. I slowly and delicately traced my fingertips from her hairline to her chin.4

“Why’d you leave Granny? Why’d you go? I’m gonna miss you y’know. Whos gonna tuck me in so tight at night I can barely move? Whos gonna make me the best cups of tea in the world? Whos gonna tell me to reach for the stars and that anything is possible? Because you can’t anymore Granny, can you?” my dry, cracked lips stung as I spoke and my entire body shook with tears.5

I leaned in to kiss her cheek one last time, but I couldn’t do it. This wasn’t my Granny, it was just a corpse. I was never going to see my Granny again. It was when this thought occurred to me that I fell to the ground and begged her, pleaded with her, screamed at her to wake up. But she didn’t. 6

She is gone for good and for ever.7

Walking behind the hearse I stare at my feet, I couldn’t bring myself to look up. I ignored the people around me and got lost in my thoughts. Lost in the thoughts of my Granny singing in the kitchen, rubbing her bronzing brush in her make-up pearls and cursing when they fell to the floor and she stood on them by accident, crushing them into the carpet, watching ‘The Sound Of Music’ over and over again with my head in her lap as she played with my hair, running away when I accidentally hit her kitchen window with my tennis-ball so she couldn’t get mad. All these memories brought a bitter-sweet smile to my face. 8

Standing around her grave plot I stared at the priest with hatred. How could he say God had his reason for taking her? If God was real he’d know how much I needed my Granny, and he wouldn’t have taken her away from me. 9

I clenched my jaw shut tight as I watched her pale brown box being lowered into the ground. I didn’t want this to happen but I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to see this happen but I couldn’t look away. As I fiddled with the red rose between my fingers I bit on my lip to stop myself from screaming. This was so unfair. 10

16 grandchildren had thrown their roses down beside her coffin, I was the only one left. I could feel all eyes burn into me as I threw it with all my strength and the stem made a thudding sound that echoed in my ears. 11

“Goodbye” I whispered. I wiped my eyes and walked out of the cemetery. I was done there, I had said goodbye. Now it was time to go home and grieve. 12

My Grandmothers funeral opened my eyes to a lot of things. How the cruel claws of denial only make your fall worse. The hypocrisy in the way people think God has a reason for letting people die. How much the death of somebody you love can hurt you and totally mess with your mind. The way when you finally feel safe, finally feel you’re worth something the shit hits the fan and your back to square one. The way no matter how good of a person you are, no matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you beg and plead for it not to happen, everybody dies someday and eventually they will be forgotten forever.13

The End.