V. Ampire Episode 2

Vincent settled quickly into the existence of a small town resident. [Poor bugger had to, didn't he] Soon he became bored with sleeping in his coffin all day and wandering alone at night. Even the mattress of earth had lumps in it and his sheets were being continually washed by Hilda. Why, he wanted to know. No one was going to see them, no one came to visit. So, he spoke seriously to Hilda about his predicament.1

"Mrs Ogden, may I request some advice regarding my present uninteresting situation."2

"Righto, Mr Vincent. Whadyawanna know?"3

" I find there are insufficient activities within the community to challenge my mental capacity and provide intellectual stimulus to my existence in this establishment. How would you suggest I overcome this dilemma in which I find myself?"4

" Ay? Cor, now I get it. You want summat to do? What abart readin books frum the libry? They got heaps in town.It doan cost nuffin eiver."5

" Money is not a concern, Mrs Ogden, but remember I am quite versed in history and my memory is excellent. Much of what you may read about history is incorrect. I know, for I was a participant."6

" That maybe, but It'll give you summat ter keep yer mind active. Ya can fix the mistakes, or somthin like that. 'Ere, I got it, git some Australian 'istory. You wasn't 'ere so yer can learn somethin new."7

" That is not particularly appealing to me personally, Mrs Ogden. Do you have any other suggestions I might contemplate?"8

" Nah. Unless ya wanna do a bit gard'nin. You know, grow some plants or flowers. No good growin veg'tables, you doan eat em anyway."9

" Now dear lady, that is something which I had not considered. My ancestry goes back to Transylvania where such activities were carried out in the lowlands by the peasant fraternity. They needed good sustenance so they could develop into fine specimens of humanity and thereby provide adequate supplies for my ancestor’s household."10

" Supplies of what, Mr Vincent?"11

" Why blood, of course, Mrs Ogden, after all, I am a vampire."12

" Aw yeah, I forgot that." 13

“ Now that you have reminded me, Mrs Ogden, I have another small difficulty with partaking of my essential sustenance. For centuries I have used my fangs to ingest my proteins, but with this modern arrangement, I am loath to admit, I am not getting the full benefit by drinking that liquid. With your most agile mind would be able to assist me to revert to the old way of doing things?”14

“I’d ave ter fink abart it, wooden I? Wait a bit. Now you got two holler fangs and ye kin suck up blood wiv em, right? I kin give ya a Tupperware bowl wiv a sealed lid and just poke two holes where ya want em. You poke yre fangs in the holes an tip the bowl up. Yair, that’ll do it. Bring ya one next time I comes over.”15

“Dear lady, are you sure this will suffice?”16

“ Course it will. Leave it ta me.”17

“ Thank you dear lady. I am in need of sustenance at this very moment. Would you excuse me please?”18

“ Ya want me ter nick orf ome now eh? OK, I was goin ter town anyway so I’ll git ya some gard’nin books ya kin read.”19

And so it was that Vincent became an avid gardener. He created the most wonderful night scented garden for miles around and could be seen occasionally in the dim moonlight caring for his prize plants and flowers. During daylight hours his neighbourhood was alive with rubber necks leaning over his fence trying to catch a glimpse of the elusive Mr Vincent, gardener extroadinaire. Vincent, of course, was securely and soundly asleep in his uncomfortable coffin, lying in state on freshly washed white sheets [courtesy of Hilda] and was unaware of the consternation his creative gardening had caused in the district until, [ there has to be one, doesn’t there – an until, I mean] Mrs Ogden let the cat out of the bag. She told her good friend, Ethyl, that Mr Vincent only worked in his garden at night. Ethyl told Joan who passed it on to Anne who gave the secret to Sharon who put that wonderful garden in the local rag along with photos, taken, naturally enough, in daylight. Now the cat was really among the pigeons.20

Who was going to carry the can when Mr Vincent found out privacy no longer existed? How is Mr Vincent going to deal with this new situation? Tune in next week for the continuing saga of:-21

V.Ampire epi 322