Prelude1
This is a journal written in questions, I ask myself questions all the time to keep myself honest. I find questions are the best way to find answers in oneself, and the world around me. 2
Sunday, May 17, 2009 3
I ask myself questions all the time, about myself and the world around me. I tend to say 'Someone once asked me,' and it wasn't really a person .. it was myself. So I can answer things. I believe that questions hold answers to be told, and questions themselves are a stories prelog.4
What do you think your life till now?5
- I believe my life has not started, this is only the beginning of maybe something great. If it did start and I had to describe it .. I would say it has been bumpy, like a beetle with a broke wing. The beetle, even though strong on the outside and inside, cannot fly with just wing, so it runs into things.6
What do people say about you?7
- Either that I am a total idiot, or a total madman. Smart, or an idiot. Both are right though in a sense, my ideas would change the world, at least I think so. But these changes probably wouldn't ever be really pushed outwards to mainstream philosophy.8
What are you as a person?9
- From what I know, I am miserable old man inside. Even though I am so young, I feel though as my life has been a complete waste, as if I was born to be like this. A beautiful butterfly that flies over the endless ocean. Alone, but beautiful, it flies till' exuastion, only to be kept alive by pure adrenaline that maybe one day, he can meet someone that truly interests him.10
What makes you think that?11
- I have seen a lot, ran through a lot. I want things simple, I want things easy. Everyone I have met has never really given me that 'Wow' factor I been looking for. I have met some new people, and I am still looking but .. I just hope I can find that one person at least .. soon.12
What are you looking for in life?13
- Simple and veriety, I don't like the rush of life like I used to. I just want to sit down and relax for the rest of my life. I don't want to ever get a job .. It is not that I am lazy like a lot of people say. I don't find the mundane tasks of everyday living as 'Fun.' It bores me, so why do something boring for the next 50-70 years of your life? That would be a waste in my opinion. 14
Sunday, May 17, 2009 15
What is your view on life?16
- Life should be taken by the horns, but only gently. You should grasp it, but never try and take it to the ground like some people. All things should be experienced, for the pure fun of it, or just to have it in your catalog. There is a lot for life to give, if you go searching for it of course. At this moment in time, I am enjoying my life to the fullest.17
Government, what do you think its role should be?18
- For the people. I do not believe in money, I believe more on a point system like most games are run and based off of. I believe a government should adequately give everyone food, water and shelter, the basic necessities of life before even starting off on the economic and military challenges. The government should also be like Obama's, this is a new age, no more back-room dealings, it should be put in front of everyone to see. No shady business, because then we can't ask the questions that keeps people honest.19
Drugs. Prostitution, Racism, Religion, and the other major topics of our day.20
- People can do whatever they want, but I believe it should be kept to themselves. Which most of the time it is .. but our 'freedom laws,' keeps us from having to do so. No money for drugs often leads to prostitution, religion leads almost always to racism, or is linked to it. Drugs should be legalized, every single one of them, or the soft stuff. Think of yourself as a druggy when I say these things, 'If you were a crack-head, or a meth-head, and weed was legalized, wouldn't you go to the legal alternative?' most people say yes. Some people argue the shit out of me, and like everyone else, some people would, some people won't. 21
Monday, May 18, 2009 22
Why do you ask yourself questions?23
- Because these are the questions I wait for everyday for someone to ask me..24
Are you Miserable?25
- Completely. Everyday I wake up, only fueled by cigs, meds, and the food I eat to go on. I would never kill myself though, but I am still looking for that .. challenge. Or complete simpleness, I almost have been craving it lately. Now everyday I sit back, trying to relax, keep my eyes steady, my anxiety low. If I was not in a human body, I would have gotten bored already of the mundane tasks of everyday living. I see things go on as if they already happened, every question I already know the answer to, the lies or truth to come with it. Nothing interests me anymore, I am growing tired and old before I can even hit the Two O'.26
Why are you like this?27
- Because before anything happens, I already know what is going to happen. At least the jiff, so I see no point in doing such tasks. People call me lazy .. but when you know already what boring, none-sense that is going to happen before it happens, it makes it a drag.28
What are you going to do?29
- Find that person who either is so simple I have no need for these ideas or thoughts. Or second, find that challenge .. that horrific challenge of mind games and manipulation. Either way, I would be completely happy. But as long as their truthful and honest, then m life will be complete.30
Why these types of people?31
- Heh .. because either life would be so simple and easy. Of life would be a challenge .. I find it all in people, not the objects around me. I see Objects, distance, time, as just an figement of the human mind. But other humans are not, they go by the same princibles and laws around not only me. So it makes everything fun, but I have not yet to find or discover in the people I talk to .. those qualities.32
Why so picky?33
- Why wouldn't you be picky? You enjoy only a certain life style, or you are miserable without it. But those are only words, they don't really effect me too-much. I keep going, around with time, breaking it apart and listening to whatever it brings to me. 34
Tuesday, May 19, 2009 35
What do you mean you can't even escape in your dreams?36
- Even life in my dreams is miserable, even my paranoia comes out in them. And in my dreams .. my paranoia is right, always. Black dogs attack the girl I like, as she is with another man. So even if I try and save her, she is still taken.37
So, what do you want with your life?38
- I want calmness, I want something actually real. I want the cold hard facts and I want everything to actually seem for once to head into my favor. Since I was 13, life has been hard on me, as you can see from the wrinkles on my face.39
You want to change the world?40
- Yes, but I want it to change with my ideas, nothing more, nothing less. Even if it hurts a billion people, I want these ideas to be at least known and looked at with consideration.41
Are you even trying anymore?42
- Not at all .. I have tried all my life to get somewhere. But I am a self-destructionist, it seems like everything I get I screw up. Almost everything I have ever loved I have destroyed, .. but oh well. 43
Wednesday, May 20, 2009 44
What is wrong?45
- Other than the life I could be having right now? Just fine.46
You seem angry ..47
- You know, I am the last person to complain, but it seems like I am the only one now and days. Just seems like everything around me is too easy, or way too hard. No middle of like, 'reachable, hmm, do I need it?' so I can think. Now it is like, 'oups that mine,' or 'well fuck that, I ain't even trying.'48
Seems a lot has changed?49
- I may be stuck in my room for another couple months, since my mom is taking my medication away. The only thing that makes me fucking sane, and able to drive. I am going to ask the DMV to just suspend my license or something .. it is going to be pointless to have anyway.50
Why do you like your meds?51
- BEcause they make me spaced out, I don't want to think, I want to just be a zombie like ever-fucking-one-else. I don't want to have these ideas in my head, they aren't changing anything. And don't give me that shit about 'you are only 18,' maybe I am just not meant for this day in age. Like a gladiator born in 1935, a tank, but nothing more than just a large target to be ridiculed.52
So .. anything else?53
- I see everything that is going to happen, I am not psychic or anything, I have dated most of my life, been around people most of my life, seen everything there needs to be seen. Partied hard, lived hard, and see no enjoyment in the world around me now. I have pushed the limits of my body, muscle, strength, speed, agility, and the limits of my brain's memory, from history, science, politics, theories, and philosophy. I have overstretched myself to the point that balance is almost uncertain anymore, my brain weaves through people like a kid in a abandoned candy store. Even though the memories of once lushes candy is there, the actual candy is gone.54
What do you mean by that?55
- I have lived on edges for most of my life, but I had time to ponder afterward on what I was doing. I see the future, or at least guess it, and try and manipulate it to my wishing. I see what people are gunna do, what I am gunna do, what I am gunna say, and what they are gunna say. Nothing is exciting anymore...56
Thursday, May 21, 2009 57
Why don't you respect your parents?58
- Because both are fucking religious idiots. Why would I respect a fat drunk and why would I respect a religious zealot/idiot?59
Why do you think your right about your ideals?60
- .. Well, I have studied people in general for most of my life since I was 13. I saw how people act and how people work. I don't want to be like that, a mundane life, in which if they died they wouldn't leave a legacy in their wake or something new for the world to see.61
You believe in love so strongly?62
- "Love is one of the most powerful catalists in the world, from war, to peace, for thy country, for thy god," people have used to do great things. And I just made one of my greatest quotes.63
"Seven Folds of Paper"64
- Seven is thee thy lucky number65
- Paper are people66
- Folds are emotion67
Friday, May 22, 2009 68
Why are you crying?69
- Because I feel that my eyes have ten thousand needles behind them and my throat has a boulder in it. I do not think my life is hard, but I feel that my life is harder than any ones. It seems people are able to get things done, but for me .. I never can accomplish anything, without striving great lengths, pain, and suffering.70
Why haven't you had a good day?71
- Words are words, feeling is feeling, hearing is hearing, and seeing is seeing. I know what they are, a day to me is seconds, a year is a minute, and yet .. the world around me is so cold and slow. I know what they are, so I see no use in such meanings, a day is a word, as so is good.72
Why do you help these people?73
- Now when I come to think about it .. I really don't know why. That smile is real, the feeling of helping out someone is real, but .. I do not know why. I don't think about life and death anymore, and it seems everything become razors. The floors, physical touch, the words they say, it seems all but pain to me.74
You feel?75
- I feel that if anyone else had the thoughts I do, they would be all but dead by now. These thoughts are not of life nor death, killing, or any of the sort. They are evolution, revolution, taking apart ideals and recreating them..76
The world?77
- Is damned without people like me.78
You said this in your head today, 'Now I know,' what did that mean?79
- Another girl who will not help me in my time of need, hesitation has brought them further away from me. I do not want anymore hesitation, I do not want anymore lies. Or false commitment, under a veil that something may work out.80
You seem to be mastering a plan?81
- I guess, I just don't think I know what I am doing anymore. I am sick of getting lied to, and I am almost getting sick of doing all these fucking good deeds. 82
Sunday, May 24, 2009 83
What are you afraid of right now?84
- To get off my meds .. I don't want to think anymore.85
Are you training yourself for exile?86
- Sometimes I really think I am, sitting in this room really did drive me insane sometimes.87
Why is your mind racing right now?88
- Because I feel sick to my stomach, I can't even think or explain anything.89
Why are you yelling and screwing something up with that good friend of yours?90
- I don't know, sometimes I just self-destruct and can't even hold anything back.91
Self destruct?92
- I destroy my own life, to recreate a new one, I like fresh clean slates so I can make a new chapter in my life. Keeping the old ones as relics. 93
Wednesday, May 27, 2009 94
Your mind is racing..95
- Yeah, I need to get somethings out I guess. I been trying to hold off from posting these for awhile, but I guess I shouldn't.96
You want to unveil it so badly, why don't you?97
- Because I feel like it is not really worth it right now. My projects have no meaning for regular people like the ones I see everyday. Who lie to my face and I do nothing to stop it anymore. Why do they lie?98
I see that they lie because they do not see truth in themselves.99
- I would guess so, AGH FUCKING STOP.100
You want to destroy them, limb from limb don't you?101
- Sometimes I really fucking do, they lie so much, I can even see it through their texts, how they word things, how they fucking say it. Agh, it is annoying.102
Why don't you?103
- Because I am kind and benevolent, I want to help them, not destroy them.104
But pointing it out will maybe make it stop at least?105
- Yes but I don't want to .. I just can't muster the strength.106
Back to your projects .. What are you currently doing?107
- I will post something about it later on, I am still workin' on it damnit.108
Give me a glance?109
- It is about systemalities in nature-social-calling, I am trying to figure out the ways to tinker and show that socializing doesn't really take any effort. It is hard because of this small populace town.110
Wednesday May 29, 2009 111
You have a lot of time to yourself today, what are you thinking?112
- Politics have been a lot on my mind. I don't understand why people keep yelling at North Korea, 'Tougher talks,' for the past 8 years saying the same thing over and over again. They are not going to listen to you, they have nukes and sure as hell when they get the rockets they will use them.113
Why are you smirking?114
- Because I do believe that the United States and other countries know what the outcome will come to and trying everything in their power to stop it before they have to invade. I find it quite interesting.115
You are scared?116
- Kinda .. because I don't want to get used to this everyday. I love asking myself questions, and now that I am putting it in a book, it kinda scares me that I will get bored of it.117
Let me give you a nice question then, religion?118
- I am an atheist and I believe that 99% of atheists don't really know what they are getting themselves into. I am nor spiritual nor religious in anyway, shape or form. I do not do mundane tasks, or worship anything. It is a hard life, almost a packed with the devil I view it as. Going throughout your life living on hope, some direction, but when it comes down to everything, you can't really change anything.119
Why are you trying to change things?120
- These tasks I do everyday, trying to open people's minds to the greater good. I believe that there is too much grey in this world, there needs to be more black and white. The corporations that give hundreds of thousands of dollars to the needy and turn around and take everyone's money is interesting and how they get away with it, I don't know. The preachers who yell at the top of their lungs about the crime and chaos of the world turns around and touches little kids. This is a funny world, but it is too grey.121
Too grey?122
- Yes, there needs to be the light, and then the dark. Kinda like the old days, when there was a lot of good, and a lot of evil, but hardly any grey. 123
Terrorists ran through you head, why?124
- Because of cause, we have anti-cause everywhere. People need to train their eyes to see that cause is a good thing, and drives people. But when cause is taken away, people become skitzy, unable to preform tasks like they used to. A good cause now and days is 'making more money,' but I do not believe in money, I do not believe in personal possessions. It can be taken away, so why do you need it? I believe a man should have the basic necessities of life, food, shelter and water. 125
Saturday, May 30, 2009 126
You really like posting these?
- What better to do but talk about the world and how I see it?127
Vacuum, why did that run through your head?
- Because, I see the world as a vacuum, that destroys all that is beautiful. From the words of great poets, to the wars that were waged. No man I see or hear of anymore talks about the beauty that the world that is at it is.128
We are as ants?
- To the colony, there is a queen, and there is a king. We slave everyday just to have walls around us, but we over-reward and do not ponder of what we are really doing. Our instincts tell us to breed, but we shove hormones down our throat and wonder why we are pregnant. We roll through life never turning back, and then there is the people who cry themselves to sleep every night, looking back on their pasts and not knowing why they are like the way they are.129
Through all of this, what do you hope to succeed?
- That my thoughts are heard, every last one of them. So I can turn back the pages of what is to come. They think it is banks, they think it is the people. No, no, it is the human mind, and it must change. We are greedy, almost all that you hold around you, does not matter at all. To the furniture that you hold so proudly, to the laptop you type on. If it taken away, you would be angry, sad, but when you really think about it, you really don't need anything but the water in your bottles, the food in your fridge and the house over your head.130
Why is life so complicated these days?
- Because we make it, things are meant to be simple. We lived for 1.4 million years swinging from trees, living in caves, and now we wonder why we need to take all this medication to feel sane? Our lives have become so hectic, and there is no end. I say to everyone, if you thought for one second, one fucking second, 'What am I fucking doing?' you would understand how I think.131
They call you lazy, why?
- I do not submit to these teachings, these ways, these ideals! I will never, I don't care if they put me in a ward or I have to live on the street. I will never go out there and be an android and a slave. We hold freedom so high, but why cannot I live in my house that I built, or keep the land I worked hard for? That is not freedom, it is just a fancy way of 'voluntary enslavement.'132
Why do people hate anarchy?
- Because they do not understand it, from what I see. Anarchy is a Phoenix, from the ashes something beautiful comes out, reborn and anew. I do believe though, that every country should have a place where you can have absolute freedom, no laws, and see what happens from that. I do not mean move people to there, but I mean people who want nothing to do with the state they are born from, or born into, and live completely on their own. It would be an escape, and a rush in my opinion, a lawless terrain of people trying to make a living. It may end up peaceful, but it may end in bloodshed, but we would know and would find out what anarchy really is. I am not an anarchist, I am just saying, it would be interesting.133
Date: May 31, 2009134
135
You seem happy?
- Today has been an eventful day, and I am thinking a lot about things. Love is random, love is such a beautiful thing, yet can be the most harmful for your everyday android life. It can ruin your house, your life practicably, but people hold onto it so vigorously. I love the whole idea on love, it is a uphill battle, or a small river flowing until' it becomes a larger one. Powerful and timid, this river grows larger.136
Got back home so soon?
- I am really tired and gotta rest up for tomorrow. My brain isn't working too well.137
Your brain is working fine, why did you do that thing?
- I really don't know when I come to think about it. If I keep doing these good deeds I am gunna either land in jail or dead. One way or another, today has been a good day. I am so sore though, my legs are aching..138
Why did you really give away that T.V .. you did need it?
- I did, but oh well. I give away my life, I really don't even know why I do it anymore .. is it because of misery or something else. But I do not really know, but what I do know, I am kinda losing my mind.139
Why are you losing your mind?
- Cutting down from my anti-anxiety isn't difficult, is the racing thoughts that are really killing me. I just can't seem to think like I used to. I use to be able to break things apart, see vibrant streams of patterns, now I see straight lines and grey.140
Grey?
- Yes, grey, nothing but it. This extroverted thought pattern I thought would balance me, but it has made me something else. I am no longer shy, but I am constantly thinking of things to say. I keep so neutral but I also keep so to myself.141
That girl really did piss you off.
- Yeah, that was a couple days ago wasn't it? She has been really annoying me lately, she can change everything about herself, and her life if she just thought differently.142
Hmm, when you really think about it?
- Yeah, a lot of people could, why they don't .. I really don't know. It seems like they want attention, so they have to always talk about their problems, their goals, their 'strength', their 'power' just to get people to like them.143
I love how they change, don't you?
- Like I did the other day, I know. She just doesn't talk about him anymore, and when she brought up her name, she looked at the ground, she knows I know, and she knows I was right.144
You sure know it all?
- Not at all, I know nothing more than anyone has access too. I am constantly seeing the world, and making my perceived view on it. Taking the world apart and social behaviors is almost hilarious to me. I see so many patterns in humans, I see lies everywhere I turn, even in the most committed people. I turn away, and I do not know. I don't call it as I used to.145
You still talk in neutrality, as if she was right over your shoulder.
- Sorry, I just can't help it sometimes. My brain just won't allow me to speak out and damn them all. I just believe that I can change them through this, and maybe show that side, that angry, bitching, hate that comes with it for later.146
'Use your anger when the time comes, allow it to boil up,' Good quote aye'?
- I guess it helps, but since I have been draining my every pour into this journal, I feel drained, almost everything coming out into it. This is the strongest I have ever been, it is so weird. I have never been able to keep anything going, I lose interests to easily, but not with this. It is as if, I am writing this down in my own blood. 147
Monday, June 01, 2009 148
Don't give me that look, what are you thinking?
- ; He smiled. ; I am finally making up my mind. I think I know what I want.149
What do you want?
- I want to make someone's life udder amazing. This girl is so amazing, I just had to go through a lot of tough choices, and I balanced it in my head, she might be the one I am looking for.150
Inspire, why did that run through your head?
- I want to inspire, I want to make this life as best as possible for me and for the person I pick. I want a long relationship, no more bullshit.151
You are acting weird, do I see a less-hesitant future?
- You do, and I do too. I see myself growing to become a great man one day, I know I can do it. I feel the air all around me turning, waiting for my to rip it all apart. Grasping the destiny I may inspire tonight.152
Why are you doing this now?
- I am inspired myself by the events that happened today. I need to be straight forward, I need to stop setting stuff in stone and push forward. Why I am being so vague I don't know, but I must keep moving forward with maybe a destiny.153
That blabbering old man did this?
- Yes, as he was blabbering about god I realized what I needed to do. I will not unveil anything yet on the project I am going to do after this.154
What will this one be about?
- A full stampede on my ideals and my beliefs, slowly I have been perfecting the art of it. But I really haven't ever released it on the outside world. 155
Wednesday, June 03, 2009 156
This is interesting, why are you so happy?
- I made up my mind. I have no more delusions and no longer seeing illusions.157
What were these delusions?
- Well, not literally foo', I just was thinking a bit too ahead of myself. I believe in love, I love the ideal of love itself. It fascinates my inner-being to find out what the extent of what I see it as. I want to dwell in it, I just want that love that I have been craving. I seek compatibility which I believe I have found.158
I must warn you, this will be a long road.
- I know it will, but I have the patience for it. I hope this road goes well, I really don't know what to suspect. I see something in this woman, I see something different that I have not experienced in a long time.159
You hold back still though.
- Yes, I see that too.160
Why?
- Because I do not want to scare. The future is so bleak to me, it seems like an eternity sometimes, but I always look forward to the happy and sorrow it will bring. Sorrow not to thy enemy, but to thy-self.161
That was a lie.
- Agh .. don't do that. Sorrow to my enemies then, because I believe that a lasting happyness is that I will outlast them, I see, I remember, I research and then I do.162
You see a lot, but what do you look forward to the most?
- Maybe being married to someone that I am utmost compatible with. Someone who likes to hear my opinions, neutral or not.163
Do you think you have found that person?
- As my friend once said, 'You have absolutly no idea what the future has in store for you, as quickly as you think you have a foot in the door, it is pushed out by a snarling dog, heh.'164
I see.
- So I have no idea, but I always hope, I always look forward to the better of things. Only a few people in my life have ever caught my eye, and only and even fewer people have felt my breath.165
Wednesday, June 10, 2009 166
Seems like you haven't been keeping track of these?
- Yeah, but I have been really busy.167
It seems like you are stuck in a pretty big rut right now?
- I don't even know where to begin on explaining this. My emotions have been so released lately, I am usually never this .. open with anyone. I am so tired, and I feel like I have rocks in my stomach.168
I hope it isn't from her.
- Me neither. My mind is so split, it just feels like there is another person in there.
- The person who I want to be, and the person that I hate to be.
- The one who I want to be, the kind, generous, loving man.
- And the man who has that damn smirk on his face all the time, and will do at nothing to get what he wants, no matter who he hurts along the way.169
I don't know what to do, it seems like my mind is splitting in half. They both want dominance, and only one will win. I would love to be my old neutral self, but I just can't. I just feel like nothing is working anymore, or heading into my favor. People are just so fucking blind. 170
Thursday, June 11, 2009 171
How odd is it?
- That it seems like nothing happens in my favor? It just seems like somethings are just getting creepily depressing than rather just plain miserable.172
'I would hurt a thousand people to just be with you,'?
- I hate myself right now. But I know she will find someone that is for her. I am too fast in relationships, so it isn't her though. I shouldn't have asked her out, I didn't think things through. But I -173
Need some time alone I guess?
- Yeah .. I haven't been myself lately, I have been this totally other guy. I just don't know who I am anymore. The only person who knows me the most is Alicia, and that is because we are like untouchable together. She knows more about me then my whole family combined. She is amazing.174
You hate being alone, don't you?
- Yes, I do. But I seem like I am also a self-destroyer, and it seems that I have been doing it faster and faster as time progresses.175
You need to stop being so vague.
- I know, I know. I sometimes feel like I am going to get a lightning bolt struck at my head once I write this stuff down. I need to be more open with my feelings on here. 176
Friday, June 12, 2009 177
Wow, I have never seen you so depressed.
- I swear, this misery has been an endless pit for 7 months now. And no end in sight.178
You keep doing things, why?
- Because I am trying to hold on to at least this tiny bit of hope that I have left.179
For once, I cannot think of anymore questions. I guess I will just write down my thoughts, I am madly in love with a woman. I felt myself getting closer and closer with her with every step closer I got to her hurt. I feel myself going over an edge of a cliff and there is an endless pit, and guess what, I am the only one on this cliff. So for eternity, if I don't act now, I am going to falling into a deeper and deeper sorrow till' I die.180
I know about time, don't give me that shit. I am finally losing control about the things that happen around me, I just can't stand it anymore. Ever since 2006, I have in this udder depression. I know how things work, socialization, people, love, sorrow, sadness, and now I have finally hit that rut that .. I only live because I need to smoke that cig in the morning. I feel sick inside about what I have been doing to myself and the others around me. If I am right, then nothing matters, nothing will matter, if the sun exploded, everything we worked for would be taken out in 8 minutes. A whole 8 minutes, how awesome is that?181
I strive for knowledge, at least I did. Now I strive for things to happen in my life that isn't just for entertainment, such as cars, houses, PSP's, I thrive for that thing that I will never get used to or use up, that I haven't ever gotten used to. I want that person who is like me, who can sit there and fall in love and accept it. That maybe there is a destiny for something great, something awesome that could happen. I feel it everyday, I am so sick of waiting.. in my life, a second is a thousand years. So waiting for me, is dying. 182
Saturday, June 20, 2009 183
You seem to be tired a lot.
- I been waking up and going out to pick up a friend. She has slept over a few times, but I promise that I never did anything with her. Which is kind odd, usually women are all over me, in one way or another. I kinda hate it when I get really down to it, they love me for the wrong reasons and end up stalking me.184
You are also getting a lot of calls?
- From phone numbers in where I live, but it seems like I don't know them. I have been getting really annoyed with some people, just been so exhausted. I have tried so hard to look to the future, but I also try hard to turn away from it. It looks grim from what I see, a lot of possibilities that don't run in my favor.185
What are some of these?
- I love having someone around that I can trust, it seems like a need for me lately. My body has been getting stronger, my limbs feeling tight from the newly gained muscle. Oh yeah, well, one of these are I will be alone in the future, completely miserable. It is one of my most hated thoughts, but everything that has happened in the past four years has told me that is going to be what is going to happen.186
You are blind as a bat, you know.
- Yes, it seems I been getting more and more blind by the months. I used to be able to see things that almost weren't even there, now I see nothing but empty shells. I try hard not to look anymore for things, as in lies, because I keep getting let-down by the people I hang around. Their knowledge is forsaken to me, most of it doesn't matter in anyway to the world around them.187
They try and change you, don't they?
- Yes, but it is ill-fated attempts. No one is going to change my beliefs, even if they are going to kill me at an early age. I am not looking for sympathy, I am just looking for people to realize what they are doing. I had an argument the other day, that they think I am trying to change people by making them realize. Making them realize is not changing, they make their own choices when the information is handed to them, not mine or anyone else. 188
Sunday, June 21, 2009 189
Life goes on, doesn't it?
- Blatant War Crimes, Human Right Violations, and total ignorance to international law. These people sit back and watch their country burn, people rioting on the streets, through silence and their leaders sit back and outright speak against anything that is wrong. They talk of systems and laws, created by man to be absolute in all of each letter as if it was written in blood. I do not want to sit back and watch this unfold, no way, no how.190
- This is for the many faces of the world. Your faces are seen by me, I will speak of you, I will tell of your tale. Your voice will not be unheard and your plight will not go unanswered. I will remember you, in this world of a billion faces, ideals, and philosophies. When the time will come I will speak out loud and use my right and left hand to judge those who condemned you. I shall highlight their ignorance and arrogance towards you. In return I wish for you to stand by my side, or fight against me, if I am wrong, then you are wrong and you will be casted back into the shadows. ( This is for the untold stories of the Iran Revolution that is bound to happen in the coming months. These people suffer as corruption unfolds, I shall write, for that is all I can do. )191
You seem inspired, by what?
- The Green that is held in their hands high above their heads. They speak of peace while their government speaks of lies. As they remain silent, their co-workers and students are hit with bats. Places of learning are torched, technology held in value is broken in front of their faces. Memory cards are stolen, and from Google to Twitter, they fight back, opening new lines of communication. Poeple die, and no one knows how many. The news says 7, when twitter is screaming with horror and violence. Blood texts I shall call them, and they will now remain silent. These people know what is going wrong, and will take action. If they don't, I will condemn them. 192
Condemn them?
- Well, speak against their cause. If you have a good cause, then you should go forward to make it happen. I do not see why people hold back on their tongue and their fists. They are weapons, deadly in both the mind and the body. Use them to your full extent people of Iran, people will help you from the outside, I promise. This is almost a prayer that I wish for them to hear, I am not religious but I hope to give them praise for what may happen and what they are doing. Their silence is heard through the ears of the government, and by their actions, they are afraid. Afraid that their dictatorship will fall, their power stripped from them as they did fourty years ago. 193
Sunday, June 21, 2009 Part Two194
These are the list of Oaths I have taken throughout my life. They all go with each other, and many are taken from ideals or philosophy of others. 195
Oath of No Allegiance
Under this Oath I shall hold no allegiance toward any form of government, institution, person, place, being or law. The morals I have set for myself are what guides me, through this life I take.196
Oath of Unconditional Truth
In this Oath I shall demand all that is truth, under indisputable evidence I will only take such truth. If evidence does not show, then I shall not believe. 197
Oath of Atheism
Through God we find an umbrella, through no god we find real meaning of existence. I believe that we are all here to counter balance what is nothing, because through the word nothing, there needs to be something to counter-act it. Unfathomable, infinite, the dimension we see through our eyes is all we can see, because in an other, physics, law, order, and difference, we cannot see. Perception is all but our mind.198
Oath of Misery
With this Oath I find that real misery is misery that everything you do does not matter. On this planet, everything could be wiped out in time we cannot even measure. As other people kill themselves, I embrace this cold fact and go on. I am only a human, and what I desire I shall find. Through experiments and projects I find myself moving forward. I find this the only way to live, I feel like I have meaning. I try to find meaning in this life, other than what everyone else tells me, I search towards a absolute and indestructible fact on this planet. In which all sides cannot be proven wrong. 199
Sunday, June 21, 2009 Part Three200
These are some ideas I have been thinking about for awhile, and just a couple rambles. 201
Alright, I was reading an article on Schizophrenia, and something came across me. It was 'what if this all came parents who were intrusive, almost paranoid,' and I found an article that almost sent me mind into a freaken cascade. My assumption was right, and this is what I have to say.202
Adults often make connections that are not there, they jump from 1 to 3, instead of counting 2. For example, a kid does marijuana, thus makes him a bad kid, horrible morals and possibly a drug addict. See where I am going? The kids mind is spun around, and in my opinion, makes connections of its own. These connections warp perceptions about the world, making them see things that would not be there.203
They should really do a study on this, or at least me. Most of my friends have hard-parents, who try and control them. And they are not normal, almost none of them that I know that come from such parents have normal brain patterns. They are easily angered, and their tone is always with great emotion. I come from a family but I thought to understand, not try and fix, I guess that is where I went different from the path.204
Things should be explained to a child, with uttermost detail. When they are older they will not respect you, because you cannot explain, so how do they know you are being honest? Through questions you can find honesty, through many questions you can find if that person is really knowing what the hell they are talking about. I have run into many arguments with my mom, and she says 'Because' or 'That is how it works.' I ask questions to find out people's opinions, which 95% of the time are ill-based decisions on a lot of topics and people are so aggressive. 205
A few missing pages - 20
You just had a eureka moment, let me hear it.
- Atheism is a gateway for some people who cannot fathom it. I am going to make a new word, 'Fake Atheism' where people use this Atheism to find a new religion.206
Lets go a little further with you today, and make this into a real journal other then your ideas. From age 1-9 how was it?
- I was a kid born from a Camden Police Officer and a nurse. When I was 3 my father suffered a massive heart attack coming home from work a few months before my sister was born. I never got to know my father so it didn't effect me as it would a normal kid who just lost his, and a year later when I was 4 we moved to Florida from New Jersey. We lived with just my mom, my sister, and me for a couple years till' my mom was at a A.A meeting. We moved in with a Hawaiian named George until I was around 9 years old. We moved a lot I guess, my mom really couldn't find a guy that I would call a father. They all were drunks, assholes and above all else, abusive. Not looking for sympathy, I was always in the woods or outside when I was younger. My imagination always was running, from the time I woke up till the time I went to sleep. I didn't see any glory in school, or academics, I just wanted to be in the woods, where I could escape it all.207
Hmm, what about 9-16?
- When I was around 10 we moved out of Georges house and moved in with the Family we are living with now. Steve had two daughters, one the same age as my sister, and one the same age as me, just a few months off from each. He was nice at first, but then when we really got to meet him, he was just like everyone else. They converted us to Catholics and I started going to Tae Kwon Do when I was 11. My whole life changed though when I was 13.208
What happen when you were 13?
- I was standing in church and I looked out into the crowd. I never, ever thought of damning the church or anything at that point, but I saw something, I will never forget. Everyone in the crowd looked brainwashed, they looked as if they were drones, and then I realized that this isn't going to be in my life, and I condemned the bible and all of it teachings later that night. I will never forget it.209
Alright, from 14-16?
- We moved out a few times from ages 10-17 when I was living here. We moved back and fourth from apartments and Cape Coral. My mom always was in flight mode I guess, and I wish I could have my feet on the ground around this time. I started dating three folds, I was never without a girlfriend when I was in Middle School and High School. I loved dating and the experience of it. It was probably almost a hobby to me, because as people were bitching at their girlfriends I was having long-lasting relationships throughout most of the school year. I lost my virginity I guess at 16, New Years Eve. Agh, I recommend to you guys, don't lose it on a holiday that you can remember.210
16-17?
- 16 is also the year where I partied a lot in a small town not to far away from here, North Port. Smoked my first joint, bowl, drank tons of liquor. Now let me explain to you something, I was a kid who never wanted to smoke, never wanted to even try a drug or anything in my life. But I really don't know what happened, maybe I didn't have any blind guidance from the church or something. But I experienced the world without any repercussions.211
Turning 19 this year?
- Yes and I don't really know how to explain the year before. Got engaged, went to college, got panic attacks after 8 months in and driving every weekday 34 miles to and 34 from college. Couldn't even go 10 feet away from my house. Relationship fell apart in 4 months and she left me after a huge argument, then I stayed in this room. Started a project myself to get me out of here, socialized my network of friends from myspace. Met a girl named Alicia, went to see her and had no panic attack. Then I was able to leave my house whenever I wanted to.212
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 213
I congratulate you on your 21rst entry, do you think it coming along nicely?
- Yes, I haven't ever kept something up like this in a long time, but I do not want to spoil it. It seems that I have more ideas and thoughts running through this head than I thought. Sometimes I wonder if there is more to me then even meets my eye, I swear my subconscious is a total other person, almost like a secretary in my head. He/She/It makes all the decisions and just throws out papers at me and tells me to read. Then ideas come into my head and it is sent back to the subconscious.214
You have been having a lot of fun this week?
- Yes, but there has been a lot of crap happening too in real life. Everything outside of my head has been horrible, but everything inside of it seems a lot more clearer. I have thought for a second that maybe when I was 13 I really did want to become a philosopher so badly that it is burned into my brain to create philosophical ideals. Because they have been spewing out of my head all week. Almost everything I have argued about with friends, family, I have used philosophy and psychology. Maybe this is what I was supposed to do?215
You wonder that a lot, 'What am I here for?'
- Plain and simple, I think we are all here for to counter-balance nothing for something. Now let me say this, in this world, where everything is almost a lie, from the money in your pocket to the house over your head, nothing really matters, I would probably be a hobo complaining about a break in his life. Or I would be a book writer, or a scientist, either way, I like new ideas and putting them on paper. And I god damn love defending them.216
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 217
If there is no fun in it, you don't do it? That ran in a conversation you were having, what did it mean?
- I don't have fun, I don't do it. Whatever I do, even if it makes me miserable, as long as it doesn't break something of mine I need for the future, then I am fine. I like things that are interesting, I like possibilities, even if they are in my favor or not. I love to learn, and I still have a lot of years ahead of me, so why not enjoy each and one of them through learning from my mistakes?218
Either people run away, or they get too far into it so they can't.
- Yes, that is a saying that has always persisted. I try and say far enough from the outright death that follows, or the boring seats in the back which see's no action at all.219
You talk a lot about yourself?
- Because I am sick of people fighting me, this is how I am. I do things, that a lot of people frown on, like when I go out 'baby killing.' Just kidding about that, I had to make a joke somewhere in this journal thing.220
You like asking people questions, and throwing them your ideas.
- I like bouncing ideas off people, it helps me refine and take steps back. The ideas and the questions along with them, that is how group-think should work. Ideas, questions, ideas, refine, more questions.221
By the way, how was yesterday?
- Very eventful, very emotional. I nearly ended something very precious of mine, and that would have been horrible. It came very close, but something guided me to come back, take a step back and think about what I was doing. I need to start hanging out with other people, so I can do my bounce-idea-thing. 222
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 Part Two223
What makes you like this woman?
-She is smart, see's detail very well. She noticed that I don't bend my knee on my right leg when I walk, I keep it straight and make a circle motion when I walk. She is arrogant, even if she doesn't fully understand something, she will send it out there, and keep me on my toes. She is short, but sexy, D breast on a 5'2 women is awesome, and she has a nicer ass then me, which I thought was impossible. What prompted me to be so bold? It was all of the above, I told her today, 'I can't see us in the future being friends, but best friends, and something more than that.'224
She is engaged you know?
- Yes, I know, but I shall take my chances. 225
Why do you like her body so much?
- Because she doesn't seek perfection, she already has it and she sure as hell knows. But she isn't stuck up, she takes opinion and doesn't try to make you like her, by saying her great feats like people do. You can tell someone by their cover, just how deep you never know.226
You seem to understand her, but does she understand you?
- She for the most part understands what I have showed her. She is so arrogant, agh it drives me up the walls. But I love it, it makes me blood boil with her ego, how right she thinks she is. Oh god, am I becoming .. hmm, I think I like this.227
Friday, June 26, 2009 228
This is a little memoir to all those who were born a few centuries a little too late. To the men and women who are born with talents that aren't needed in this generation. To those who's words cannot get out, and those fighters who's fists will never be felt.229
To those women and men with extreme physical and mental strengths that will not get to use it. The reason why I say this, is because there are too many people on this planet, who are not even that smart.230
Who will not recognize your abilities to think outside of the box people live in this days, who hold onto their beliefs as if their was a god demanding them to do what they do everyday. Like a knife held up to their throat to condemn you.231
For more than three thousand years, we have condemned killing a man, then turn around and do it. Where words like economy, money, government, religion, and ignorance was born. Words are not born out of want, they are born out of necessity. Necessity of detailed descriptions about how the world works, or a single person. If they were not born, maybe they would not have happened.232
Through government, we learned that people can be controlled, manipulated, and killed in mass numbers. Through money we know what it really means to be poor, and look up at the man laughing above us. Through religion we learned what it really meant to be a little too imaginative.233
Because when you look at the human body, then look at these words, what does it all mean? That there is more bullshit that we have created, that we cannot even fully understand or articulate? We get up everyday, doing stuff that is not necessary, all thought up through abstract thought.234
If we really wanted to get to the stars and back, what is holding us back? Resources are a word, and so is money. Pull your head out of the book of 'the dreams of tomorrow' and look at the 'dreams of yesterday.' Without money we were fine, and now it is holding us back from the stars we wish to see, up-close.235
We have the resources, the man-power, the will to go. But we sit on this planet, and look at all the crap we do not have, when we should have what we need to survive, and not the abstract and cluttered thoughts of bullshit necessities such as what movie we should go see next.236
We should look the future, not about our economy, not on our next car, husband, wife, but to space. Where one day we will need to go when this planet goes to hell, the future of our species is in space, not here, not with our mindsets. Material is material, and our thought-process is outdated, this world is outdated. We need a new thought-process.237
Not about money, not about cars, not about the next music going to be played and where. The future, and we should strive to go toward it. Things were meant to be simple, not complex, we hunt for food, we eat food, we procreate.238
Where we went from there is all done by insane people, who thought of bigger and bolder things, that frankly, don't really matter. From the laptop I type on right now, to the shampoo in my hair, it does not matter. 239
Saturday, June 27, 2009 240
Even though things do not matter, I still have to be at least human. I am not some genius or someone who thinks he isn't, so I will make mistakes, I will contradict myself, but I shall reveal to you that everything I do is for a good cause. 241
It seems like a couple more things are getting depressing in my life. I just can't seem to find any ground anywhere. Right when I think I have something, it is torn from me. They try and make it feel better, but the scar was already inflicted.242
Sometimes I just don't know if the world the books say and the one I see is actually anything to do with each other. So many campaigns against all sorts of diseases, crimes, and etc, that have been around since the beginning of history.243
What has changed since then? The population has gotten larger, and people have gotten more risky. People put their lives on the line for a piece of paper is ridiculous, why should this happen? Oh, since the population has gone up, the less opportunities there is for me and you.244
And now places like Wallmart have self-checkout lanes, what if machines take over everything? To policing, flying our planes, fighting our wars, then what jobs are their left for me and you? None, other then maintaining them, unless they are maintained themselves!245
I find this ridiculous and why people haven't noticed this trend is beyond me. It should be very mainstream and spoken of often, but I don't see it, or heard of anyone ever talking about it.246
But as I was saying, I keep getting my hopes up and they are being smashed. It seems like nothing is really going anywhere I want it to go. From the panic attacks where I could not even get 10 feet from my house, to the breaking up with my fiance, to this girl I really like that just wants to remain friends.247
I don't know really what to do, everyone I talk to is against everything, and not open to helping me. I have no one anymore to bounce my ideas off of, no one to really sit there and listen to me, not their own opinions about the subject.248
Everyone is too god damn one sided, there are more angles to every picture, and even more sides to every story.249
Sorry for the in-existence of the questions, I just haven't had the time to think of any good ones. So I just been jotting these things downs like this. 250
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 251
People hold back?
- That is why I don't like most people. When they see something great, they hold their tongue, and hold back from the sheer aspect that their world could be better.252
Their would could be better?
- The world is filled with possibilities and if you get somethings right, can be perfect. I don't know why people do not see that.253
Everyone should get something, what is that?
- Peace, prosperity, love, commitment and a little bit of cocaine on top and everyone would be happy. Except we run away from that and substitute it with war, famine, loathing and above all else, destruction. Self destruction is what I see this world as, the only reason it is going forward is because people are too dumb to destroy it, or way to smart to allow that to happen. 254
Monday, July 06, 2009 255
Why are you remaining silent?
- Because no one really seems worthy enough to know how I am feeling right now. It just seems like everyone is so distant, even from themselves.256
What are you feeling right now?
- Sick to my stomach all the time, I want to leave this bloody hell hole. Nothing is here for me, I just cannot stand it. I want a change of scenery. I feel like I have lost everything and nothing to gain here, it seems like life is just going on, but nothing is really happening. There are no more moments where I feel alive, like I want to go on.257
Tired are we?
- Yeah.. I haven't gotten a good night sleep. I keep having these dreams, vivid and everytime they are about waves of water. I have no idea what they mean and I don't want to know what they mean. I also have been dreaming about traveling, and it has been nice. 258
Monday, July 06, 2009 Part two259
A man stepped forward onto a field, his eyes gazing outwards to the world in front of him. As the flames behind him rose into the sky, he moved forward. Traveling to a river, his hand rose to the heavens, he fell onto one knee and placed that very same hand in the water.260
'Only a man can walk away from this, only a man,' as he traveled back to the flames he poured the water, which streamed from his hand onto the flames, suppressing them lightly. 261
'As animals, they move on, but for us, we rebuild anew,' he sat down and took in the ashes into his lungs, with one last small breath, he fell into the fire and died.262
Why did you write this?
- I had an urge to right, I have no idea why though. But if I had to place it, maybe this is what I want, to start off new as if I were dead at one point. With words I could flow the river into the flames of what we call the world. The flames I want to make truth, and the river as my weapon. 263
Saturday, July 11, 2009 264
There is another man you want to become?
- The man I used to be, the man who knew what he wanted. I am slowly becoming what I used to be, and I am glad for it. I do not want to be split anymore, this man who I want to become and this man who I don't want to ever be.265
You will lose a lot in this process?
- Yes .. but I believe it will be for the better. I am sick of being so confident, I am taking too many chances, making too many mistakes and I do not think it is going to be good for the future.266
You are setting your priorities straight again?
- I am finding out more and more what I want, but now I am going by a new code, a new order of things. I am setting it up slowly, breaking it down in my head. I want and need, which I do not have to have anymore. I shall be living as if I was already dead, this will be interesting Project of mine.267
What does it contain?
- It will be a code, an order, a oath, to live as if I was already dead, not striving to survive but allowing to things to flow again. I do not know if it will end these thoughts, but I believe it will. Nothing will contradict, at least I hope it won't.268
1. Live as if I was dead. No hope, but a strive to accomplish what I could not do living. A man who knows limits and wants to break them to get the task done.269
2. Accomplish my goals, or they are meaningless. There is no use in starting something you know you cannot finish.270
3. Set myself a guideline on how I will accomplish them. Plan ahead, plan for any circumstance and do not be afraid to fall back.271
4. Gain knowledge and utilize it everyday. People want to hear what they want to hear, but sometimes you need to give them what they don't.272
I will add onto this later, I feel that there needs to be a change. I have become too ruthless, I almost started cutting throats to get what I wanted, not anymore. I will keep my morals, my guidelines, my love for what the world needs to be like. I want to shine light onto what I see, because it seems like all I can see is people who are blind, who cannot see any light.273
These people either do not care, have no motivation to stop it, do not see it or are getting pay for something they see, and do nothing about. They preach against the poverty, the corruption, as they sit in their comfy chairs, their thousand dollar suits and everyone expects this world to be sane? These people have not experienced the hardship, that is why they do not see it.274
They wonder why people kill, steal, and hurt people for money, when they are sitting on hundreds of thousands of dollars and have no reason to do that kind of stuff? And then they walk into backrooms where deals are made, these deals which involve more money, more power, and why are people taking this? Is there anywhere on this planet that is without freud and corruption?275
There isn't, that is the point of this whole thing. People try and stop it, but it is all attempts, they stamp at one head, another one pops up elsewhere. There is so much grey, there is no more light and dark anymore. The man who sits there and spends a million dollars on kids in Africa turns around and beats his wife, takes from the government, what is wrong with this world?276
Sunday, July 12, 2009277
Why are you being so cruel?
- I am not being cruel, I am finally getting my crap together. All the projects are in my head and I am doing them as they deem necessary. I am sick of people who obviously know that they are doing things wrong, and keep doing these things! A man working at a sushi restaurant with arthritis, he does not change his job, and then complains of the pain. This is a ridiculous society.278
Haven't you done the same?
- Yes, but at least I am trying to change it. I am a contradiction inside of a paradox. But I am trying to change all that, try and move forward and change everything on who I am. There needs to be more lines, more black and white, not this huge grey that makes me.279
You are too neutral?
- No, just a little to forgiving and a little too high-standards. When I do not find those standards I stop talking to them, I stop liking them. My standards are so high for other people and myself, I do not want to lower them though. I gotta find at least one person who thinks like me, who knows answers or are willing to find them.280
Answers, what kind of answers?
- To questions, the thousands of them I want to ask to someone, who seems like they know what they are talking about. I am constantly trying to fill out what I am, and who I am, that I have forgotten what I used to be. I used to feel so much better, I got now this endless confidants, but I refuse to be ignorant or arrogant.281
Well, how was your week?
- Hmm, it was pretty good I guess. I am trying to get things done, get a job, I know I will hate it, but at least I will be doing someone, something a favor.282
Monday, July 13, 2009 283
Today I woke up and someone asked me, 'why are you so pissed?'284
And I said, 'Because I only got an hour of sleep,' and then I got thinking of other reasons why I would be pissed.285
A lot of my life up till' now has been searching and trying to grab ahold of something I really ever wanted. But up till' now, I have gotten absolutly nothing, nothing at all of what I have been wanting for a long time.286
It just seems like the more and more I grab at something, the more distant it becomes. I used to be able to do things so freely, move through the air and nothing really effected me. Now, it seems like I keep running into walls, shit has been weighing me down more and more.287
Love is something I have wanted for a long time, but it seems like every time I get that I end up hating the person, I have such high standards, I think I find it, and that person is not it. What I call love is never going to be, what I have said before is just not going to happen, it is not out there.288
More and more when I think about it, I swear I was born in the wrong time period. I guess I was born to resent the world and try and change it. What more do I need though? Really? I have a roof over my head and a car, some gas money here and there. But I don't want to do this alone, I want to be with someone I can fully trust and understand, who can give me what I want, and who I can serve in return.289
Serve a purpose, maybe .. just maybe one day I can grab at it and my fingers will clench onto something. God is not one of those things I see in my future, I cannot allow it to happen, ever.290
But I must go on, and study, research and keep going at it. I am finding myself to be very resilience but I must perfect it, sometimes I think of myself as a tornado, a rock comes my way, a different edge and shape and I must bend my wind to those spots where I can throw it to the side.291
I know it has only been about three months now since I started this, but it seems like it is coming together nicely. Not just the journal but my life. I am starting to get a bigger picture of the world and not just the details I have been talking about. 292
This world is filled with possibilities and chances, and I will keep taking them till I find out what is right for me. People are starting to hate me because I have a lot of philosophy in this head and I am a hypocrite for not taking any of it and applying it to myself. But that is not why I am hating, I just keep talking about it, and how they should change their lives. They are miserable, I know I am, but that is because of how I think it should be, I am constantly in self-doubt, but it makes me think better about what I say before I say it.293
Monday, July 13, 2009 294
I no longer see light nor dark anymore. No more angels or demons, I see a system that has created these not out of necessity. These words were to keep people in line, and now a grey has formed. Men who were once honorable are falling prey to the worlds woes of evil and light. If everyone was treated the same, under one flag, and given what is needed to survive, then why would anyone complain? 295
There is no need for a head figure in this world, it is a voting process that allows there to be grey, in which the world was intended. This grey allows people to pick and choose what they want to do with their lives, in all aspects. This is the perfect society out of imperfection of humans. We are too busy trying to create the perfect person when we don't see how imperfect we really are. 296
We are so busy, so damn busy trying to keep up with the standards, most people have lost what they were. There are so many words, so many contradictions on what is right on what is wrong. A man who steals from the poor is now rewarded, we all know who this man is, he is just a new face every time we turn our heads. As a buy a soda, that money will be switched through the hands of more corrupt individuals than anything else. 297
The man who sit there, next to garbage and the darkness of the night should be respected highly. Not using money as a way of life, they have survived through what this society has thrown away. I find myself almost seeking this life, even though I was not breeded for it. But I shall respect those men and women who have. 298
I see a world of grey, from the corporations and the people who lead them. People are no longer in anything for the work and the honor. Everyone gets paid, and not because that is just a benefit. 299
In this world they have made a piece of paper a lifeline, everyone is trying to survive in this world and the system has created 'darkness' such as 'criminals' but I fully understand why now this has happened.300
I do not believe anymore in 'criminals' who do things to get money, ( outside of raping and those type of crimes, those people are criminals ) because this type of world has created these types of people. 301
Everyone is guilty of greed, other than the men who sit outside of burger kings and mcdonalds trying to get food in their stomach after a long day sitting in the sun or the winter cold. 302
This world is not the statues quo everyone thinks it is, there is just a system, a way, that has brought everyone to think there is a light and a darkness. When in reality, all there is now and days is just symbols for everything. Money is not a symbol on how hard you work, in my opinion. I see people with scars across their body, bruises and dark eyes that earn as much as a rat's ass, and I see men in suits who only need to say 'Yes' or 'No' and get paid for the rest of their lives on the decisions they make, and THEN some more. 303
304
Wednesday, July 15, 2009 Part One305
306
Hmm, you are starting to see lines?
- Everywhere, anywhere, and almost all the time. Every time I turn the corner I see what is going to happen next. And it happened today, my life yet again turned to hell. I loved this girl who loved another man, with utmost ferocity I tried to get her. It seemed that not only she was lying to him, she was lying to me.307
Why was this lying?
- Because she was self-ish, and now, I am not. I cannot be self-ish, I did all I could by being honest and seeing what most people would in general situations. This time I ignored the signs, I ignored the lines.308
What did these lines tell you?
- The whole future of the outcome, and I kept going even when they were bluntly strung into my face. A couple weeks ago I started laughing at them, I have no idea why. These strings were almost too obvious, so I just walked over them, thinking that they did not matter to me.309
Lovely this world is, now why did you screw yours up even more?
- Because I am a self-destruction idiot. I always seem to end up in the ditch somewhere, even if it is my fault or not, and this time it was. I am not going to make that mistake twice, ever.310
Why did you love this girl?
- She was willing to take measures, take chances and take the smallest possibilities and make them happen. I tried my best to see through her stupidity and make her smart, but it seemed like it was ill-fated.311
Now why in the world did you do that?
- Sometimes beauty can succumb the strongest men, but never will I fall through such a plot, never in my life. But now I must go down the list, and find what I want now. Forget love for now, I will stop searching for it until' it comes to me.312
Wednesday, July 15, 2009 Part Two313
You won, why didn't you take it?
- Because what I won was not true, I did not allow it to happen like I wanted. Love is such a weird thing, even though I won her love in the end, I could not allow myself to take it. She has to show me that she is more than willing to go further.314
Why? She has already done enough you idiot.
- I guess I am sick bastard like that then? I cannot allow myself to do this anymore though, I made mistakes and next time I won't. This has been a huge misunderstanding and a huge mistake. It is going to leave her hating me, but I don't care. She has proven to me more times than not that she is a total idiot who will not push forward the effort to commit a long and lasting relationship, that isn't filled up with lies and deception.315
HMm, what are you going to do now?
- I am going to wait, and probably get my Personal Fitness Certification. I need to get a job and get my life started. And maybe a few years down the line I will publish what I talk about here. I understand the world a little clearer since I was able to send my theories into her and shift through them, cutting out the bullshit and some of the contradictions.316
Words are still words mate?
- And actions are just actions, we have built this world from symbols. Money being the biggest, government being the second, the bible being the third. Why in the world would the next 50 generations have to put up with this stuff? Why in the world does no one see it? Or at least do anything about it?317
You have been asking a lot of questions yourself, maybe you need her, since I cannot answer them?
- I need someone who can break down my theories, yes, but not her. She is too ill-minded and idiotic. She can be smart if she applied herself, but the way she was raised made her selfish and blind to the world around her except for the things that she is given.318
I still cannot believe you left after all that, she was breaking up with him you know?
- I guess I just did the most honorable thing I could do. I destroy two people, and now all they will have is each other. I will never do this again, ever.. I feel really bad. But sometimes my mind tells me to do things, even if they are bluntly and blatantly defiling law/morals/codes. Sometimes I really do not know what I should do with myself.319
Was this all a project? You and her?
- I think subconsciously I saw that her relationship with that boy was going nowhere. He was more of an idiot then her, and she was miserable. And I think it was also my sister saying 'You will never win,' and I had to prove her wrong. There are also a couple things I cannot go into, but someday I probably will when you ask.320
321
Wednesday, July 15, 2009 Part Three322
323
There are sides to you no one will ever see?
- Yes, sides that I will never show anyone that I do not see as .. appropriate for this. I have many sides I guess, and I just showed my bastard side yesterday. This bastard is the person I have always wanted to get rid of, but since my ex's have corrupted him/her/it, it seems like his ways are the easiest, and sometimes I take them.324
Easy way? Oh what?
- Getting what I want, but then at the last moment, I see it is all forsaken. Everything I do sometimes is never going to last as long as I want it. But I guess that is life, I should really stop complaining.325
What are you planning on doing next?
- For right now, I just want to move on with what I have done and move onto what I want to do. I have always wanted to change the world, but it seems like I do not have any mass-media outlet. I guess books are fine, as long as the ideas are put out there, they will never be forgotten.326
You don't care about any type of fame?
- I just want people to listen to me, that is all, I don't care about titles or anything of the sort. Ideas are .. well, should be without titles, without any sort of reward. Answers to questions too, because all questions need or have to have an answer. It may differ from reach individual, but I see so much room for this world, a world without boundaries.327
A world without boundaries?
- This world I speak of is a world who does not hog/sell/buy/store resources but uses them for the people, for technological advancements. The suspension of government and protection for people, allow the weeds of power to fade and allow for a new world to emerge. One that really has people in power, and not guns, not swords or stones. But with the fist and the technology it will hold inside of it. A world that will reach the stars in not years, not months, but in minutes. Where the world shall be free, a world that allows people to do things through technology, releasing of dopamine, sex, fun, it shall never become boring, because you will have to work. Work for technology, that sounds fun?328
Isn't that kinda like communism?
- No, it is not. They say communism does not work, but look at the countries beforehand and ask that question again. They were doomed from the beginning, and U.S sanctions and a couple world wars would hurt any country, regardless. But this one would be different, people will not be protected by boundaries, but through unions. A trillion unions, several people in each, voting for an outcome of what is available. Through this age of deception, light will be casted down on humanity. Humanity will see the whole picture, and not a slip of paper in their wallets. 329
330
Thursday, July 23, 2009 331
332
I know I know, you are sorry?
- I have been a little too angry lately at someone who has had a lot going on. She does not show it because she is strong enough not to complain about it. And I also just removed a great ole' friend from my life, for a good damn reason.333
Ah, this goes back to the whole 'I need someone who can break the rules, and move forward?'
- Yes, I do not find a lot of them around, I am not going to find a women like that because .. they are not guided by rules or guidelines.334
Hmm, it seems like you are allowing your paranoia get to you?
- A little bit, because it got me far, and allowed me to think quickly when situations came up. For a couple weeks now I have been a little too full of my ways of doing things now, and I am cycling back to old processes because I cannot fix myself a new one yet.335
A new process of thinking, but why the old?
- An older one, feeling is what got me places and things I wanted. I have been fighting too much lately on how people think, instead of using the tools that I was given in the first place, which was one, 'good looks', two 'reading people,' and third, 'a great neutral benediction.'336
Those three properties together?
- It allowed people to open up, and I was able to strike better, move through defenses because of neutrality and benevolence. The smile that got me places, I may be cutting my hair soon because of how annoying it has become. It is hindering my fighting prowess, and allowing me to make excuses. 337
338
Friday, July 31, 2009 339
340
Where have you been?
- Being around the person I really do love. I just haven't had time to write any new entries in awhile, sorry about that.341
A person you love?
- Yes, she is very smart, just needs to learn how to utilize it more efficiently. She is very beautiful too, I love her body composition. I really love a lot of things about her, I know I have bashed her before, but once I am on a roll with something I just can't let it go until' it is done and over with.342
What other things do you like about her?
- I really like the way we met, it was something out of a book. She was kind of like a Knight in Shining Armor for me, I was really in a rut at the time and she pretty much saved me from it. She forced me out of my house, she pushed like no other did, she does things the way I like them. She makes offers, she makes demands, she can be almost as undecided as me and a little in the shadow about certain things, but that makes her, well, pretty much her. She is truly a lot of fun and we can make conversation up very quickly, on a all sort of range of things. I just wish there was more to do in this town.343
Why did you cut your hair?
- Well, I had lice, for one. There are a lot of reasons, another reason was that I wanted to get back into martial arts, and the long flowing hair was not helping at all. I also wanted to begin anew, and I needed to feel that way too. The last reason is, I need to get a job, and they look down on people with long hair.344
Out of all these women, why did you choice her?
- All the above and then some. A lot of the women I ran into were too immature, or too easy. I need a challenge, and they were just a little too hard. She knows how to make things challenging, without making them about her, but more or so making them about the relationship. Since she is going into psychology and I am most likely going to go back into Personal Fitness Training, I want to be able to get best of both worlds also. She has a lot of potential, in a healthy relationship, and a healthy income check too. The best of both worlds, which is very balanced and neat.345
She has a few flaws?
- Yes, but I do too. I get angry and be stupid, but sometimes she mistakens me arrogance and my anger as a bad thing, when I see something that needs to be changed, I try and change it. In this society, since most of us are conserves, we hold onto the past and never really look forward into the future of things. That is why the world is the way it is, no one looks at the growth up closley. Oups, went off topic. She has a few flaws that are not deadly to a relationship, which I like. And won't cause any large upsets in the future.346
What do you see in the future?
- What do you mean? If you mean the future of a relationship, which is on topic, then I see something healthy and something livable. A lot of my past relationships were a little too hard at the start, this one was just a little laggy. I care a lot about her, and I do not want to see anything bad happen, I know she saved me, and I thanked her for that. But now I have fallen in love with the person who didn't save me, the real person who can make me laugh. I just hope that it lasts and she doesn't have any regrets.347
348
Monday, August 03, 2009 349
Who is this man? Who is this man who sits in front of a mirror?350
Let me tell you a story of who this man is. This man asks himself questions, a thousand a day, listening in into his own answers. He does not research, nor does he analyze the question. He was born with no father, no real parent figure, he learned things on his own. By questions he was destined for something very minor, something small. But why does he not ask other people questions? He see's already the answer told, and that answer is the wrong answer.351
Everyday he see's people lie, no knowledge to back their own stories up. He sees a profound intelligence, which is made up of lies. He sees people walk the streets, only going to a destination. When he walks a streets, he is looking for a destination, something to intrigue him. This mind wonders from place to place, jumping a few steps along the way. It sees things, secret things, hidden meanings, but it is slowly slipping away.352
The mirror in front of him shows a man who doesn't look anything like the cover. He sees something that does not look like what the people say it looks like, he sees something ordinary. Nothing special, nothing interesting, but when he speaks to others, he hears different. He is constantly seeing difference in the world, and when he asks people what they see, they see nothing. He sees the blindness of the world, but they hardly even realize it.353
They call themselves hard, rigid, and stiff. Through the years of their lives they have grown accustom to their ways and their lives, thinking it is the only way to live. He thinks that since he sees this, he is out of the loop, but then again, what is he doing? He asks these questions to find the answers, and maybe one day, he will just run out of them. 354
This way of thinking is horrible, it brings him down and brings him to see the world for what it is. And what it is, quite frankly, nothing that can be changed. People will always do things for their own good, their own way. The world is made of flesh and bone, yet we substitute it with paper and metals, thinking it actually is worth even more then the flesh and bones.355
Flesh and bones, what we really are. He sees this, then why doesn't he speak out? Because he is merely a voice, a voice for generations who tried to, but no one listened. There are men, who have told the story, but there are men who tried to shut it out. From here to the world abroad, they think that all are flesh and bones, except without a mind. They see that they do not feel pain, so they bring pain onto others. 356
This pain is what the world is built on, except pain is a way of learning, but we have forgotten that. You touch a heated stove, and you don't touch it again. But these men, these men touch it again, but not with their own hand, but another persons. For the money and the power, and no one tries to stop them.357
Friday, August 07, 2009 358
359
So an old friend died?
- Those were some of the most fun days of my life. I learned a lot, about what not to do and why people do things. A lot of times I sat there, looking at the ground afterwards next to someone, always something bad happened at one of these parties. I miss it a lot, but I have a different purpose now.360
What do you think about his death?
- I am the only one out of my old friends who changed his shit around. I am the only one who got up and left the scene, they all stuck with it till' this day. They still think that what they do is the best thing for them, the only thing for them.361
Why did they not leave with you?
- I really thought that me leaving would change them, since I was the one with the money most of the time. But it seemed they found different ways of doing things but .. I guess that is their fault. I am not bashing their ways, but it isn't the best, nor is it the likely candidate for anything good to come from how they live.362
What do you think you are going to do now?
- Keep moving on I guess, keep the days rolling and think of what next to do. I lived in fear of death most of my life, but I never thought about it. I fought it at every turn, through martial arts, track, history, everything I did was to prevent death. But what I realized is that death is one aspect of life and if we live in it, the closer it comes. Now, I think I am going crack open one and drink, just one for ole' time sakes.363
Monday, August 10, 2009 364
When you were 12?
- I had three years to perfect myself seeing people for who they really were. I hated most of my friends but I knew one day I would move away from here so I would never have to worry about screwing with their heads.365
What happen though?
- I moved, and then came back. My head down I ignored them, I got everything I ever needed from who I messed with.366
What about now?
- It has scarred me, now I look at everyone around me and no one is truthful. And if they have truth, it is a misconception. I just can't find anyone like myself, I end up in relationships where I outline things, and people step over them. I look into people's eyes, and they know themselves are lying to my face, they know that they are not going to win. I smile, I ignore it, and I laugh.367
What do you hate the most?
- What I hate the most is that people say, or do things and have no reasons. Reasons for doing something stupid, 'I don't know,' is something I hear a thousand times a day. It annoys me, but what I have learned has made me even more screwed up and paranoid. Since I do not get answers, I am constantly trying to diagnose in my head of the situation.368
Hmm, but why are you right?
- I have no idea, my assumptions are always right, but I feel that maybe I was wrong, but I outline each situation and see where it could go. I think about a thousand situations, so it is not that I know what is going to happen, I am just prepared for what is going to happen.369
You have prepared most of your life?
- Yes, now when I come to realize it. Through Martial Arts, through running, through reading Time.com. I sit here everyday looking at the world and wanting to transform it, make a new field maybe on breaking down the world around us and figuring out each basics and educate the world on the basics of it. With the knowledge of the basics, what the world really is, we can actually change it. Throw these old ideals away, and stop thinking that this world is what is it now and what it is for real.370
Thursday, August 13, 2009 371
Hmm, what do you think about the internet?
- The internet is a place filled with opportunity and excitement. I have seen through all these years its transformation ( I started using it around 11 years old ) from google to java to chat rooms. What I really don't understand is why people haven't really capitalized on it. Revolutionized the way we see the world and make it so portable that all we need to do is click out teeth and content is there.372
How would they do this?
- Well, outside of the revolutionizing the internet and the whole click out teeth thing; I see that it is too much money put into it. With money, there is greed, and where there is greed there is unhappiness. We need content, our need to explore is unfathomable, and I see so much which is hindering us from that exploring.373
From the time you were 11?
- WHen I was eleven years old I started to Role Play on the web. I became a promenent RP'r when I was around 16 and pretty much retired from it when I was 17. I helped push forward the Eden Era and some of the other relics of the time. I created many well known RP'rs too, which I cannot name at the moment.374
Why did you get into it?
- I wanted to escape from the world, and I believe it is one of the best ways. You created a person you always wanted to be like, a fighter, a healer, or something different and ingenious. I loved messing around and tweaking personalities, I tried very hard to make myself known not only as a fighter, but as a humanist. I was always seeking something new, always indulging into discussions and pushing forward for news ways of doing things. I created a few empires and organizations of RP'rs, and some live onto till' this day.375
You kinda think you are becoming the character you created many years ago?
- Sometimes I do believe I am that person, this humanist but also this man of war. A puppet but also a master, it is kinda weird when you think about it. I always thought there were two sides of me, and more and more recently that has become apparent.376
People see these sides?
- Yes, but only a few people have seen them. I do not know what is really me and what is 'fake.' But when I think about 'fake,' I can't really come to bear with that word.377
Why can't you?
- Because when I think about it, that wouldn't be a 'fake' it would be something I created. I created something to make myself better, more efficient, something exciting and different. It is not because I wanted to, it is because I needed too.378
Why did you need to?
- Well, when I think about that, I smile at what I used to be. What I used to be was a little too kind, a little too nice, and wayyy to shy. I think this other person inside of me gave me a little bit of an ego, and sent me on my marrily way. I did a lot of things I regret, but I had a lot of fun and now I am in the best shape of my life. What also I think drove me was I was skinny most of my life. I hated it, I hated being short, but now I enjoy being five foot five. I just want to get to one hundred and fifty pounds, right now I am only around one thirty. 379
Friday, August 21, 2009 380
It has been awhile, whats up?
- I have a few responses to that, but I am just going to go with what is happening. I have gotten back into Tae Kwon Do, and I am simply amazed on how well I am doing. Last week I could not even hold myself to not smoke a cig or two during one class, now I only have one. But throwing that to the side, my back-kick is still nearly perfect, my axe kick is still high as the roof and the only thing I need to improve on is my roundhouse's flexibility.381
Why did you get into Tae Kwon Do?
- Well, when I was younger I was constantly picked on, but I never really thought of going into a martial art. When I was around 12 my mom and my step-father said 'we are putting you into Tae Kwon Do,' and they pushed me into a class. I had a bad experience when I was 7 at a Karate YMCA shop. A fat kid fell on my and I busted my nose, it didn't break but I was bleeding all over the place. So I wasn't all too fond of going back into it. But after awhile I learned that my father was a 4th degree black belt in Karate. Why I went into Tae Kwon Do is beyond me, but I think it was because of how my master talked to my parents.382
How was it?
- I loved my master, he was an extraordinary man who dances when he fought. He sang old Cuban songs as he sparred you, resting his foot on your shoulder and always made people laugh. Many times I quit, only to find myself back there a few months later. The reasons why I quit is because I won tournaments, had some of the strongest legs, and really had no competition. Even now, after being two years out, the only thing holding me back is me smoking and my endurance, that man transformed not only my mind, spirit, but my body, which is probably never going to leave me.383
He transformed you?
- I was one of three people who actually took the sword class, and probably the only one who knew all three forms and basics. I had my very own wooden katana, which was about 10-12 pounds. This sword was taught to be an extension of my hand. When I was 2, everything I picked up, from spoons to sticks, was a sword in my eyes. I had this almost uncanny love for the blade. I was constantly goofing off in class and my forms were horrible, but one day, my mom packed all of our stuff in the van and were going to go to New Jersey. We stopped at a motel and my big sister refused to take her in, that night I slept next to my wooden blade in a van packed with stuff. That friday I stepped into class and was transformed, he saw the difference in my character, because I really thought I was going to lose the only thing I had. A few months later I moved to Cape Coral.384
I see this happens a lot to you?
- Yes, through most of my life everything I have done and loved was taken away from me. From internet role playing to Tae Kwon Do. But it gave me time to reflect on what it really meant to me, but now I really know. I am never going to master the martial arts, especially Tae Kwon Do. Every year I learn something new, something exciting. This year I am learning the difference between 'Traditional' and 'Fighting' attacks. Raising the knee and then doing a crescent, brings a little more power and a little more accuracy. And since you bring the knee up, your opponent - oups .. sorry, a little off topic.385
Is there something you want to say to inspiring martial artists?
- Love. Love will make you one of the best martial artists in your town or the state, or the world. There are as many, if not, hundreds of martial arts out there that you can try out. Find the one that you love the most. From Jeet Kwon Do, Tae Kwon Do, Ju Jitsu, Karate, Kung Fu, there is a martial arts for everyone, each body type, and mindset. If you love something without a preset mindset, you understand what you are getting into, you understand not only the martial art, but what it comes with.386
What else?
- Know your limitations, and ignore when people tell you 'you can do it,' is something that has really caused a lot of injuries in Tae Kwon Do. Even if they are doing it to motivate you, I have seen a lot of time in sparring matches that opponents, even with the same belt, weight class and height can be intire different in mindset and skill.387
A different kind of human?
- Martial arts that brings us from the regular population, even military population. We have a gun, that is not in our hands, but our hands alone. A gun that travels 40 miles per second that could explode, ripping through the flesh and bone of an opponent. Our anatomy is transformed through years of training, condensing our muscle, our inner bone structure, and our mind. Nerves deaden through breaking boards, punching bags, and our opponents. Our bones become hard enough to break cement, through anothers bones and sometimes even bend steel. Our mindset is cold, but warming.388
Wednesday, August 26, 2009 389
The world is filled with lines that need to be left hidden. In the sand, out of our conscious minds. Sometimes knowledge can burden the mind, and cascade us into torment. I do not believe that there should ever be a world run by Atheists nor Religious factions, since fundamentalism and madness tend to run through the veins of both.390
A world without hope is a world not worth living, so I guess I have to say that my idea of a moneyless world is ill-fated. People do not think like me, they will not know what to do with their spare time. People these days are always trying to find something to do, to not drive themselves mad. From socializing to I guess jumping out of planes, we really have no patience when it comes to years or decades, it is more today, this minute, or next week.391
I find this interesting, because what kind of world are we living in? Ever since the first man looked out across a field of soldiers at his command, the world has changed. There is something we cannot see, and it is the future. We strive for it, but when we get there it is almost like nothing we could have seen. Why? I have looked over this question and looked over a lot of answers.392
From predestined, to each atom has been on a path since the beginning of time. I have looked over each, and found that maybe this is all too random for me. The world is constantly spinning, so many laws, so many dynamics. Everything makes sense, but why does it have to be so complicated? Or why does it have to be so easy?393
When one question is answered, another question is made. Then I saw it, this world, this god forsaken place is a systemality. A man looks at a screen, he sees the car go into a direction, he predicted it. But look at the man looking at a screen, and you see he already knows what he is going to see, you knew and he knew, and the car knew. Now look at that, maybe everything is predestined, you looking at a man you see that in his life he was destined to look at that screen and predict the car.394
Now look at the world in this sense, since the first atom exploding, is everything on the same track? Or does consciousness break that? These are somethings I am going to think hard on in the future. I kinda wish I had these answers so I can either change the world or sit around waiting for change if it ever were to happen in the future. 395
396
Tuesday, September 01, 2009 397
In the beginning of a new month, I have finally come to a threshold. In this threshold I am unable to come up with new ideas, and slowly my ability to comprehend and break apart as it was gaining progress, finally slipped from me again.398
I look around the web everyday, looking for new ideas and things I can comprehend. Finally I came across an old movie, Read or Die, and it released a T.V show not to long after I watched the movie. But I had not seen the T.V show, and since it was made by the same people, I watched every last bit of it.399
WHen I read something, and I comprehend it, I break it apart slowly. I take the ideas that deem to me, and I reinvent them, or try. Sometimes an idea, like religion, makes me think of new ideas, something maybe against it, or to make it better. My Tae Kwon Do teacher is slowly picking up on my ability to stimulate theory, he noticed that I can come up with ideas in an instant, as if I already knew the answer.400
When I look into what I just said, maybe that is how my brain works. Even if I do not know the answer, I will find one, even if it is not right there. I use my best guess, I really love this diary sometimes. I realize things as I am writing, and slowly it has made me understand a little more about myself.401
Most of the time when I am writing, it is all ideas I come up with that instant in time. I have lost some great ideas by not writing them down, and if I think too much of a certain idea, I lose it. So every new idea I have is a rough draft. I don't care if my ideas are obsolete, already taken, already known, I just want to get them on paper.402
Because maybe one day I can look back, like I have before, and find out who I really was. When I was a kid these ideas ran through my head a lot, but my ability to express them were horrible. I rambled on to the point of no return, they made no sense, and finally; I am making sense of them.403
There is no real answers anymore though, I have found that out slowly. But now, I don't care if anyone cares.404
FInally, I have come up with an idea. There is a theory that if the world had a common enemy, we could fight against it and unify. But why would we need an enemy? Why not a common knowledge, everyone can relate to?405
When I think about that, I kinda laugh. We all are the same, we all want a reward for something we do everyday. I am kinda sad about the people who make new ideas and are left with only money, and not their ideas being simulated across the nether.406
We all sit, we all stand, we all breath, we all eat, why do we fight? I believe with the birth of the abstract mind, we lost what a human really is. We have made a myth of who we really are. The people on the news are probably the only ones that know who we really are, and the police officers.407
Why do we stand for this? Many men, many tries have said that we need a common ground. When all of us are common, only a few people in the history of our own common writing have ever really mattered. Progression is not made by people, it is made by a person.408
We see that progression does not work in a given group, like congress. For the amount of people saved, there are so many more people dying. What people don't realize is force is probably the only way we are going to change this planet. Ideas don't work anymore, words do not either. I looked at the facts, people are dying needlessly everyday, every minute, every second.409
There is our common ground, so why don't we move forward? Information doubles and then doubles, but where does it all go? Not into the heads of people of course, but into the hands of men who will wield it with either an iron fist, or a gentle hand.410
Information needs to be readily available, for everyone. I cannot fathom a world anymore without the internet, but I also want it to improve. We need information, information so we can make history, and learn from it. I also believe in that we must make mistakes, and that is why I don't care if I contradict, or make no sense. Because I know if my ideas are out there, maybe someone can expand on them. 411
Monday, September 04, 2009412
Why is god so humanlike?
- If god was the soul judge mentor of everything that was going to happen, then why hasn't anything happened that would lower crime rate, lower death rates, end famine and allow people to be happy? He is said to give miracles, but why to such low number of people and only to the MOST religious of zealots? This answer is easy.413
People who are religious usually are more aware of the things that happen around their own lives, and every little dust that moves in front of them to the few extra bucks that winds up in their bank accounts is the work do of god. This isn't just a miracle, but a set of miracles. 414
If from the food on our table is the work of god, then why are people working in the fields and science saying it is the sun and reactions in the seeds? This isn't a miracle, it is simple mechanics. You should be thanking that man who planted it, or furthermore the plant that bore the seed. 415
Why does god feel so human?
- Look at how we write about him, look at the people who were the closest to him. They heard voices, but look at this small exerpt from a post I made a long time ago, when I was around 16.416
"
God.
I haven't posted my theories on God in a long time, or religion in general.417
My first argument was that 'Just think about it, you are an ultimate being in the universe, can see ALL that is going to happen, so why in the world would you create a universe, a small planet, gravity, blah blah blah humans, animals, plants,' he would have had to be crazy.418
My other theory is that, if you read the bible, or the qua'ron or whatever, you see that God doesn't have that much power. He can only create is my theory, if there is such a thing.419
All evidence says that God would be a creationist, he can only create, not destroy. As in destroy something go 'poof' and it is gone. In the burning bush, god creates fire, he does not destroy the bush. When god sends Jesus to heaven, he ascends, not dissipates. When Satan tries to take over Heaven, he is banished, not destroyed, so with his followers.420
Now with that said, why would we hail him? Greed would be my answer, and I am not going to explain because I just woke up. I will get back to this post."421
It pretty much explains everything IF there was a god. But why in every religion does miracles happen only during when it was created or before it was created? That is simple, they are lies. We cannot prove or disprove them, since they are long gone and dead. But if we do it more on a law, and the probability and the science to make these things happen, then they are lies. 422
Thursday, September 03, 2009 423
You are scared?
- At the current time in America, I now see what American's really are. We watch the news, and the news gives us what we want to hear. We look up at them and smile with glee, with the freedom of speech they have and the freedoms we have to speak.424
But what I see is that we are all being manipulated, not through cold cut politics, but through subtle changes in what we view as free. There are regulations, not to keep us from being safe, but to keep us from expanding exponentially. Keeping things slow and moving, and unable to see what is really happening. The blame game was played out in front of us, people ranting on the news about socialism. Had they heard of Fanaticism? I see it now almost everyday, and why? 425
These men, all have pockets, and inside of these pockets are strings, linked to men in higher seats, and to other men with pockets. These pockets, I presume, are somewhat full. With money, they change what people hear, throwing blame and throwing accusations. Where are all the smart people?426
They are in this, throwing a subtle view to the world without people realizing it. Want me to expand? Look at Time Warner, look at Goldman Sachs, and look at the time line. That is all I need to say, these men have pockets, and who aired their tentacles stringing out across the world? 1915, banks fell, people were angry, but who was leading this? How did this happen?427
Corruption has sprung up inside of the fine line of laws, it is not illegal to lie or cover something up that is legal and 'right.' Sweden was named a terrorist for bankrupting, taking Britain down large percentages, but why isn't Goldman Sachs and the rest of our banks labeled as terrorists? They gave money to us that we could not pay back, and when we couldn't, they took our houses. Why do I not see people wanting the banks to cave? Because of the blame game of course.428
The strings were once again pulled, and money flowed into peoples pockets to keep people quiet. To keep people from telling the real truth, the truth that once again, is right in front of us.
Thu Jul 30, 2009 4:49am
I kept talking about Time lines, but I am not going to get into that right now. But that date above is something not from a time line, but way after all this happened. This is the date in which people ( FBI ) were going to have a investigation into criminal activity of the banks. What happened to this? Did it even happen? No one knows, and I can't find any other information about it. What in the world is going on?429
Obama on Time.com ( Which is run by Warner ) has a 52% approval rating. Congress has a 28% approval rating. Who is getting bashed the most on the news? Obama! So why aren't we bashing Congress more? Because of the pocket theory I proposed. Companies and corporations don't want to be regulated, they go to congress, congress heads back to corporations, corporations go to the news. This is a simple theory, I do not know if I am right, but what I see is what I will talk about.430
Another problem I see is that these people in our government are not about what is best for us, but are about what the people want. You see it, religion is not cut from our government as it was a 200 years ago. Idiocy is that if you give what the people want, the people will love you. But this is not the case anymore, all the money in the world and food is not making us happy.431
Our friends, our families and our allies in far off countries are starving, without food, without shelter, and furthermost, without any water. Forget about money, without this, there is a world without corruption. Evidence everywhere shows us that in a country without money, there is corruption, but if the world was, and resources were shared and used as a currency; this world can expand, and people can enjoy what this society has.432
Saturday, September 05, 2009 433
Nostalgia has conquered America?
- I swear all you see now and days is something from the past, from Team America to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, this whole country is getting stuck inside of the past.434
Other than that, what else has been on your mind?
- Well, there are a few women in my life that I am finding that I care a lot for. Now I wish they had a Knight in Shining Armor to save them from me. I keep getting stuck in these situations, but now I know not to run, but what am I going to do?435
Care to explain?
- I will explain more in detail on my storywrite page, I am not going to indulge my personal friend's lives on myspace. People are way to nosey.436
You keep getting angry?
- Yes, because it is not because I am getting answers I don't like, I am getting answers that to not pertain to what is going on or they are just so vague I could take them in many different ways. So I am constantly suspicious and still kinda paranoid at the answers that I placed in front of me.437
There are a lot of people with faults around you?
- I have very minor faults, that I can get over in a jiff but these people 'know everything' and can 'do everything' are really starting to annoy me. I have been around these people all my life, and it is really kinda annoying, because I do not know what to do with them. Just seems like I find them in these small towns more often, since they do not know how to socialize without being king of the conversation or the king of the moment. That is all they seek, but why do they lie?
- I will never know I guess until' they release a study about it. 438
Tuesday, September 08, 2009 439
Elements to me are the basics of a said material. Each material has many elements, like psychology to science. Branches to the tree, and I love to understand the basics of each and then expanding onto them. Sometimes I like combining the two, such as psychology and science combined. It has already happened, I am afraid, but I still like the history in which both of them came to mix.440
In finding how humans interact, they needed a face and new elements to further validate ( Will come back to that word in a few moments ) their findings. But not going into detail and endless rambles, I guess I will just go with that example.441
History and theory have always fascinated me. Fascists too, because I guess everyone now and days are ( sarcasm ). Now I do not believe in conservatism, you can probably tell by my damning, or I am warning my damning later. In preserving the past, we are preserving our mistakes. Holding onto a bucket while it is raining only allows for one thing, for the bucket to get too heavy to carry.442
But I do believe that long lasting institutions should be made, which improve on mistakes and developing the core of given institution made possible and progression always made for a better, well made product of infrastructure. 443
Sunday, September 13, 2009 444
You lifted a towel into the air?
- I saw the rain coming down harder in a distance, and before it hit me I already had a towel over my head blocking the rain. And it hit me, why don't people see the blatant future? We talk about deficits when we have always been in a slight deficit, but why don't we the cards thrown at us? We need to stop holding onto laws, rules, regulations that hold us back from going to the stars.445
What do you mean by that?
- Money is still something I do not believe in, I cannot believe in something that is a symbol of a real value that is no longer in use. Our money is not backed up by gold, but by consumer faith, then faith is what holds up our economy? Then why not put faith into the banks, the credit card, and the insurance companies? Well, we did, and now look at our lives.446
Debt is the enemy of the world?
- Yes, debt is written in the stones and the trees of this establishment. At least everyone you know has some bill to pay, their fault or not. Why is the world like this? Why cannot anything be free? Why shouldn't we be able to have what we need in order to survive? And I will say this again, men in fancy suits and leather chairs are dictating what we do, this is not a democracy, it is a representative government, in which our representatives are screwing us over by not going by the ideals of the people by the ideals of themselves!447
Thursday, September 17, 2009 448
As they love death we love life?
- There is a fundamental difference between the Middle East and the U.S, we see it in culture but I do believe there is some core elements that really break us off from them. One of these is our version of life; they strive on death, we strive on life. Yes, there are people who value their lives and will not give it up for a book, or their future lives. But there is a large, hard-core fundamentalism within the Middle East that in any instance, you will sacrifice yourself for the greater cause of your book.449
Why do you say 'book?'
- Because that is all it is to me, as this one you are reading. I believe that one day books will be obsolete, not by the internet, but by a concrete way of thinking that everyone can enjoy. Thought patterns that allow freedoms and restrictions on how we go through our lives, enough for everyone to be happy but do it in a matter that does not harm another.450
But is that what most religions consist of?
- Yes, but there is too much about super-beings and other mundane information that does fracture and ghost the topic of what is really being said. You can see that the world is filled with too many different types of religions, too many types of mindsets, I believe once the hype gets too inflated, people will take action in making a universal way of life that allows people to have the way of life that they want, as long as it does not infringe onto others.451
Why has this not been introduced before?
- Because people are too worried about life and death, they want to feel at ease on what is going to happen to themselves in the afterlife. In putting life and death in religion and ways of life, we complicate things, instead of thinking about the future of the next generation.452
You believe all religions are wrong?
- And I also believe science has it wrong too, in coming to understand about the world, it loses its wonder. We will get bored, we will lose our satisfaction and maybe run into chaos, or become slobs once we have found all the knowledge we ever needed. In our search, we create new and great ideas, but at what cost for the future?453
I believe in the term infinite, each new possibility to the next. But when one, or a nation or a world does not allow possibilities to happen, we move back, to not just old ideas, but ones that didn't work the last time around. And then we are stuck in a cycle, without radicals, we are lame.454
Radicals in chains?
- We should allow new and exciting ideas play out, instead of fighting, lay down our arms to the future of the planet rest in the hands of people who have ideas, exciting ideas like the one I am about to explain.455
The larger an object, humans make the structure of the base of this object to complicated. In making it complicated, we run through loops, and bundled strings. Like our government, one good idea that was made too complicated. Rules and laws are changed everyday in the minds of judges and regular people, even though they clearly state one opinion.456
Then why shouldn't we dumb down laws to the point where it was kinda like I-Robot? A common law in which one shall not hurt himself, the people around him, and his country. Hurting ones or someone else's economic state, physical state, or their countries. A simple concept in which everyone can enjoy, heh.457
Religion is wrong because of concept and legitimacy. In which religion was born, there was uneducated people, in which could believe anything and everything. Now there is a skyrocket of atheists in the world because of education and the lack of legitimacy in religion. So many times religion has killed in the name of itself, it has no good track record at all, Buddhists are also to blame.458
Why would I attack Buddhist, there is one reason why; life. Life is enjoyed, we have many, many needs, and if they are not set for us, then biologically, we are doomed. If everyone was Buddhist, I think I will allow your imagination to decide that one. 459
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 460
We need this dear leader?
- Yes, this Charismatic man who sits in front of the world to speak his ideals. He has many great ideas, but there are many people out there who hold strong and fast to old belief systems. They hold the gun to their heads all day, and all night. Then they wonder why the world is not changing?461
What great ideas does President Obama have?
- One great idea is having a citizen army, I kinda like the idea. Maybe give them training, a gun and some special license like a police officer that allows them to go through the streets, keeping gangs at bay, something like the Basij in Iran. I mean there would be tough regulations on it, like criminal background checks, health checks, probably some kind of training on firearms and basic rule of law. It would be voluntary work, kinda like a militia. At least that is my idea.462
What others?
- Well, do you expect the future where there is money? I don't, at least I hope there is not. Universal health care, universal rights and law of the land. I hope that one day there is a system in check where people are allowed to do what they want, without regulations, or minimum regulation, that allows them to do what they want as long as it does not harm the people around them, the environment, or themselves to the degree where it will kill them.463
There has been some thoughts on your mind?
- Hmm, lately I have seen a trend in which the dating world has become eschewed. The entire system has collapsed and so has the system in which our past generation grew up on.464
Systems?
- We became tougher, stronger, and driven at one point in our lives. And now, that system has fallen apart, more and more kids I know, and the trends in science see it too. Kids are not leaving their homes, getting a good paying job and buying a home or apartment for themselves. It happens, but not on the scale it did, or it is very lagged. I know of only four friends who have their own place, and they are not doing well.465
What would help this trend? Or at least a better trend?
- It is schooling, 95% of it. Our grades are actually not bent on our intelligence, or how we understand the actual work at hand, it is based off of how much we work. This is flawed, because if you ask any kid, he will have a basic understanding of what he is doing but, 'When in the world will I use this??' is a common thing I hear at least. I believe that there should be tests, and the whole system revamped.466
How should the system be revamped?
- The tests will show what kind of intellect you have, it is either reading, math, history, science, arts, and so fourth. The ones you do poor on, instead of being improved are dropped. Allowing kids to have not just more fun, but allowing them to see a real and obtainable future. These 'tests' will also help employers out too, allowing them to narrow down which person they want to hire. 467
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 468
Something just hit me, about 30 seconds ago that kinda just pushed some light into my eyes. I do believe druids were right about other elements, mana. When you come to really think about it, other dimensions hold other sources of energy, energy that one day we may be able to tap into. Maybe with our own hands, or by extremely powerful machines that could produce unlimited amount of energy.469
This is the basics of string theory and other theories, but if we look back on the philosophy and the basic understanding of energy religions, we can apply those theories into the theories we have right now. God not as a being, or a supernatural force, but as a particle, an atom in length that helped shape the world around us. Magic, not some mystical energy, but energy that one day we can tap into from other dimensions.470
But I believe in my older theory, in which there is nothing and something, in which in the theory of absolute nothing we need absolute something to counter it. As we have gravity, we have anti-gravity, anti-something, and anti-nothing. I wish there was a formula, or heh 'something' that could prove that correctly, because with that understanding of our lives may or maybe not be on a fixed path, or may or may not be as worthless as we think it is.471
Life seems to be getting more and more interesting. The more I learn everyday, the more I want to change it. Science has a lot of things wrong, because they are trying to uncover something that could torment us later on. If we find things are on a fixed path, which I kinda believe is the truth. Because we look at a ball, we throw it as a target at a fixed rate, fixed position, we know it will always land in that certain spot.472
From the first atom hitting against another, it bounces into a direction, all the elements are on a fixed path to either destruction, renewal or void. 473
Thursday, September 24, 2009 474
Well, you haven't talked about your view on market, what is your view?
- Hmm, I believe there should be extremely regulated market. Kinda like China, but only in certain aspects, resources for resources. Health care should always and should be universal. Government should have little say in what people can sell, and what should be sold, but I do believe there should be strict guidelines in how people do sell it and how it is made. A free market pretty much, anything can be sold but with tough regulations on what is sold.475
What about health care again?
- Usually health care is overrun in the system it is made into now. I do not believe in hospitals, I believe in specialty areas, people going to a place specialty designs for diagnoses, then sent to another place for care. An emergency center, a cancer center, not all run in one spot. There are places like that, and they are wonderful, I have been to a few. But a wider concept, in cities, small towns, it would be very interesting to see. It would prevent places from being overrun, people overworked, and allow for a more stable environment for not only the workers, but for the people going there for help.476
People rarely go to hospitals?
- I hear it, I lived in the situation and see it everyday, where people will refuse to go because of bills. Not only because of bills though, but also the reputation of hospitals, 'we go there to die' is a common phrase I hear. Long lines, long waiting period, unless you are dying, then you won't get the care you want/need at the time you represented your case.477
If the world is run on resources, then what would the staff be paid?
- I have thought about this for a couple years now, and I do believe that this would be a tough assignment for people in this system. One way is a credit system, there would have to be, low hours, good pay, awesome care for people who work there. Like any job, that always should be how it is done.478
If we eliminated currency, what would we do with it?
- We would probably just have to throw it away, but we also could use that same system for a credit system also. Except I would only do a credit system if the system involved electronics, so burn that bastards.479
What is your deal on aids?
- Why we have not cracked it, I don't know. But let me explain something, muscles will keep you alive longer than your immune system. I believe that they are tackling it wrong, your muscles have special white blood cells, boost those and bypass the immune system, and voila, maybe that would work.480
You have had a cough lately?
-Yeah, it has been a real big killer to me. I have been smoking more, but I have never had smokers cough, and it only happens when I am sitting down and relaxing, not when I am working out. I been coughing up chunks for a bit, but everything is getting better. 481
Thursday, September 24, 2009 482
'Some of the greatest minds in history moved against the floating ideas of the time, not shooting them down, but trying to replace them.'483
What is that quote about?
- I think there needs to be once again a thought movement, a site, a center, an organization that allows free thought and then the progression of those thoughts from paper to the world around us.484
There are plenty of organizations with freedom of thought, but not the thought from paper process. No secrets, but maybe a publishing area in which these thoughts can be expanded, shot down, older ones brought anew and mastered. On my myspace and a few other social networking sites, I have created many blogs, many stories, but nothing I have written has fasinated someone who understands, or wants to understand. There is an ignorance with new ideas in this society and across the world, only in our science have we made progress.485
We still have the same social structures we had since the beginning of time, poor men, rich men, prostitutes, people looking for an escape, religious fanatics, scientists, all titles, but no real glory anymore. We pride ourselves on none-barbaric society, but we have so many problems they had or didn't have. Heh, I just found something else to write about later on.486
People will probably wonder what I am talking about, where did I get my sources, where did I obtain this information. I have loved history since I was 11, I have read only two fiction books in my life, Narnia, and The Giver. And I read the newspaper everyday, from time to fox-news, and trust me, I know what is bullshit and what isn't when I am reading these articles. Which ones are extremely biased, but I do not look for what they are talking about, but the idea behind it, the theories that are proposed in a what if situation.487
Ralph Nader wrote a book in which a group of high class celebrities, billionaires, and a few notable people got together and changed the face of America. I will read it, and it will be my third fiction book ever read, and I hope by the time I am done with the huge monstrosity, I will probably be done with this one.488
Friday, October 02, 2009 489
A few missing pages
So you think you can fight?
- In a few hours, actually an hour I will be going to go to a place in Fort Myers, show my skill as a fighter and see if I can place in the top 10, or top 20. For six hours a week, I will go train with some of the best fighters from Charlotte to Lee county, that is if I get in.490
Why do you think you won't?
- I smoke, and smoking has finally got to me after all these years. I have endurance, but not the kind I would have if I didn't smoke. But I love to fight, and I will show them that to the best of my abilities.491
They are just looking at your endurance and spirit?
- Yeah, I think it kinda sucks. Mike Tyson has incredible endurance, spirit, but he smoked pot a few times before a match, but I guess smoking cigs is a different story. But as I told everyone in the past couple of days, 'I will quit once my life changes,' and then this ad popped up after watching UFC. And it hit me, if I don't take this chance, I probably won't have another one for a awhile.492
What do you want to do with your life now?
- I want to become a fighter, I mean I would love to shape the world with my ideas and theories, but I need money for that to happen. Fighting has always been something I have done, at least contemplated since I was a boy. I can't see myself sitting at a restaurant or a fast food joint, not because I am 'too good' for it, but I just don't want to do it. I just see it as pointless, and if I bear kids one day, my genetics will be stronger for them, and fighting is one hell of a way to do it.493
The ole' evolution?
- Yes, the good ole' one species against another, one dominating over another. As humans, I do believe we are too ahead of ourselves, and thus now incapable of going back. 494
Saturday, October 03, 2009 495
So you won?
- They liked my performance, even though I had to quit in the 1:30 seconds of the round. I had my girlfriend and my ex fiance watching me fight, and people were asking around 'how am I going to avoid those kicks?'496
I kicked the guy through a helmet with a plastic front so hard, the impact made his face swell and gave him a black eye. I have no visible or feeling of any of his attacks, so I guess I am good to go for another round when it comes to me.497
Why did you quit during the round?
- Well, the helmet they put on me was choking me slowly though the fight, I wasn't hurt or anything but the place where my chin rested in the helmet was in my throat. Several times I was waving to the ref, but he must of thought it was something else, I have no idea.498
You were the only one to throw kicks to the head?
- Yeah, it was weird, I thought more people would throw them, but I guess I was mistaken. I think I was the only guy who had a Tae Kwon Do background. I had a lot of fun though, once I stopped shaking and finally got into the ring. I didn't get too much of adrenal shock like the last time I fought.499
What kind of fighter was he?
- He put a lot of pressure on me, and sent flurries of haymakers, I sent straight jabs and the occasion round house and side kicks to the face. I got a perfect turning backfist on him, but I couldn't stand my ground long enough for me at the last couple seconds of the round because of the helmet digging into my throat. I just couldn't breath, but I think after the match they kinda thought about it, and bumped me to the next round anyway. 500
501
Thursday, October 08, 2009 502
So how is it going?
- Well I made the MMA Team, I got a t-shirt which is awesome. I trained for three hours yesterday and 5 hours today. For diet, I drank 3 475 mL chocolate milks, a 1/2 cheese rice and potato burrito and 7 sushi rolls. So estimating the taco, it is probably about 300 calories 420 calories per milk jug and only 200 for the sushi rolls, today I had a meager 1760 calories. I guess I will eat more before I go to bed. Heh.503
What was the training?
- A little bit of jujitsu, some boxing, some ground and pound work. I did a little bit of kicking drills, some leg work, and some leg drills. It was pretty sick, my coach at the moment is Chris Lacey, he trained under some Jujitsu Instructor and some other known people, so he says, but I don't care really who he trained with or who he is, I just want to learn.504
Why don't you care about who he trained under?
- Well, sometimes I do care, but fighting is abstract, everything has been done before and there is little room for new things. Training is ever changing though, there are a billion different work outs for a each muscle, each technique, and I like to be dynamic with my training.505
What does your training consist of?
- I have a limit, like everyone, but I prefer leg drills and arm drills. Push ups, sit ups, are basic, but effective at toning and gaining strength. But I do prefer chin ups over any other upper body exercise because of the amount of weight is placed and strain on the muscles. With free weights your muscles are not consistently pushed, I also like straps because the force is either lessened or heightened for maximal muscle output.506
Why do you like fighting so much?
- That is a hard question, I do want to live longer, I want tough bones, but I also love to teach. I have a lot to offer, at least I think. I have been fighting with my feet since I was 11-12, and it has grown into something very natural for me to do. I do believe I have an eye for certain skills, by the composition of someone's body, and their mindset.507
You would prefer artists over ex football players?
- Artists have a different mindset than people over other hobbies or sports. THey see detail, they see things that others wouldn't and can make objects come to life or wither away. They put heart into their work, with every stroke they create a masterpiece. They shape and mold things, and know when they mess up. This isn't true for all of them, but I like the mindset of an artist over a football player anyday ( And I am just using the quota of a football player, stocky and dumb, but we all know they all aren't like that ). They also think outside of the box, and maybe I can learn from them when they get better. Finding a new way to throw a kick, turn a certain way, become the Martial Artist that everyone loves, the one that uses his head.508
What do you think about your career as a fighter?
- Once I get my diet right, I am going to tear through people. I know in the long run I will become great, something truly amazing, at last I hope. Fighting is an art, like painting, we paint a picture, but sometime we miss and the painting is screwed ( like our minds ).509
Monday, October 05, 2009 510
A few or actually a majority of the people I talk to say that we shouldn't have invaded Iraq and Afghanistan. Citing that they have different ways of life, and should respected. Now I believe 2000 people died on 9/11, and that in all reality justifies a war. And yes, you put plane fuel in a building of nothing but paper and cardboard, and ignite it; it WILL melt metal.511
Now I am starting to think that Pakistan should be invaded too, and Iran. Not because I am some free rights activist or gun loving soldier, because of what I heard on the news today. Too many people are making too many problems in this world. A bomb exploded on the U.N office of the World Food Program, by a suicide bomber. Now this scares the crap out of me, if they are willing to target ( I am talking about al Queda and the Taliban ) severely innocent people for the sheer fact that if they die a martyr they go to heaven and fuck a bunch of bitches is beyond me.512
You can't turn towards these middle eastern countries and see innovation, change, or more of so freedom of speech to the degree we have. People will wonder why I call for wars against the middle east, it has nothing to do with religion, it has to do with their mindset. They believe in death, and we believe in life. As they strive for death and are unafraid of it, we fear it, and try to live life as the best we can.513
Now why would I care about that? Well, most of the time when I have a problem against something it is not my problem. It has nothing to do with me actually, and the reason why I do talk about it is because people do. People say a lot of things, they love life, they want to end homelessness, they do not want people to hunger or die a needless or retarded death.514
Except, why in the world are their so many of these deaths, the instances, and why after all this time and money spent, nothing has changed? If people were provided with the basics of life, we would complain, but we wouldn't have the right to complain. From my GF's grandfather who I talk to a lot, who plays world of warcraft everyday for 8-17 hours, to the guy in California who sits on a couch staring at a wall from being so high. They all have something in common, they want to escape the life that is in front of them.515
Our last generation went three paths, to change the world one step at a time, to forget it and escape life though drugs, and the third, who didn't care and went on their marrily way. Now look at the generation, we have only people like Ron Paul to turn to ( No offense Ron Paul, actually I love you to death, run for president dammit ). Who actually has held on to his beliefs and hardly or ever puts religion into his politics. He makes sense, legalizing a lot of things and stop so much regulation and kicking the Fed into the curb.516
Sunday, October 03, 2009 517
There is another problem with schools?
- Very much, and soon this problem will be getting larger, if a certain president screws with it. Adding hours, more days, and increasing the amount of work in a classroom will put stress not only on the children, but the financial system, the teachers and the parents.518
Example?
- That is like adding cinder blocks to the top of an old railroad train, putting more people on it, and then leaving it on the tracks for more hours everyday. Not only will it waste time and energy for the driver, but wear down the train and the foundation it is placed.519
How would you do the school system?
Like I said before though, things should be specialized. General courses from elementary, a little specialized courses while in Middle school, and you should know at least have an idea on what you want to become in high school. Then out of high school you are sent to your job training through college. This will probably all be paid by the taxpayer, but it would work beautifully in my opinion.520
Why specialized?
- Because, I do not believe in General Courses. A wide variety of things that are overdone, overdrawn and furthermost ridiculous. The most I am asked now and days from kids is 'Why am I doing this?' and if they have the answer to that, the next question is 'When am I ever going to need that?'521
Saturday, October 03, 2009 522
What do you think about community?
- Going back to government and such, I believe that everything should be scaled down. We have big cities, with big problems, and the definition of a little city is a population of 10-50 thousand. I believe a little city should consist of at most five thousand people, with many specialized places, like I was saying before. I do not believe in big cities because they breed internal problem, that lead to external problems in the future.523
Internal and External Problems?
- Internal problems as in crime, health, environmental, and so on. External is when those problems reach into outlying communities. Now when I say small towns, I do not mean rural, they can be centralized, kinda of like Atlantis. A few small cities of houses and housing complexes, then in the middle a huge commune, such as hospitals and malls.524
This is where the number 10000 comes into play?
- Yes, at most probably ten thousand people living in a 50 mile radius of each other. This doesn't work very well with the big cities of today, where crime runs rampant. Smaller almost always means more efficient.525
In speaking of crime and criminals, what is your take on that?
- When you look at the laws that are set in place, how this world works and functions, then you understand why there is crime. This isn't the old case of jealous number wanting your precious lifestock, this is about a piece of paper that runs the world. Sure it is backed up in gold, but you can't even touch it or more or so see it.526
Crime isn't made by the people, it is made by the structure people are around?
- Look at how crimes have changed, like the example I made a few moments ago. Now do you understand where there can be more time to intervene? Trillions of dollars are stored in banks, exchanged, and sent across the globe. Now if we made this a different trading system, such as goats for lumber system like back then, things are easier to track. A family has a crest for each item sent out, think about it. This makes crimes involve trade, money, and so fourth harder to do.527
You still didn't explain.
- I do not believe that most criminals that steal from banks, steal from other people, and murder for money are criminals. This may come as a shock to most, but I can't blame them. Banks were not allowed to charge interest over time for a very long time, now they run everything from how much they can give you for your house, are regulators in our/foreign markets, pretty much own wall street. They have power, and have used it several times to change the price and where the money goes to.528
You are scared?
- I had this theory for a long time, if you supplied every personal in Bank of America with a little training and a gun, you have an army. If the financial sector realized this, and tried to and succeeded. The United States would become America of Bank of America. Bank of America stole my money, so I guess I will use their damned names.
I hope you like it. It rambles, sorry. >
Comments
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I like what you say About the MAN (Government).
They should be for the people, and not hide things from us.
And these questions...they are so interesting....
grea
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