***1
"Abort mission." The computer called. "Abort mission." It repeated. 2
"What's your call, commander?" A young woman, hair tied into two tight pig tails and tucked behind her ears, called to the commander. Her eyes shone with fear, digging into Commander Gunn's own eyes until he spoke. 3
A older man, wrinkled and scrawny, rubbed his temples. His head was pounding like a drum to a steady beat. His calm blue eyes smiled at the woman, though a frown stood out quite clearly among everyone else's scared demeanors. "Its been forty-seven years, Jane." Commander Gunn said to her calmly. 4
"Sir?" 5
"We haven't known where Pollard has been for the last forty-seven years." The commander's mind raced, he strained, knowing if they aborted the mission that Pollard would get away... again. "After all this time, you'd think someone would of caught him." He said grimly.6
"I know sir, but the computer..." Jane looked over her shoulder at the frantic people, wishing with all her might that the red flashing lights would go away and the computer would just shut up. 7
"The computer has always been correct, hasn't it?" The commander asked. Jane nodded. "Then..." He swallowed looking out over the dusty planet of Grazz. Pollard was somewhere down there, hiding from the inter-police, like he always has. "Abort mission, Jane." 8
Jane nodded, and gave the final order to shut the computer down and turn the ship around. 9
"I'll find you if it's the last thing I do, Pollard, I swear on my brother's grave." The commander hooked his hands together behind his back and watched Grazz slip away into the distance of space. "I swear." He turned his back to the windows and exited the command room with a tear running down his cheek. 10
1112
***1314
~2 Years Later~1516
1718
"Pollard hasn't been found since that epic day on 'The Fortress'." The teacher boomed across the classroom. "Nobody knows what went wrong with the computer that day, and nobody ever will because 'The Fortress' disappeared on a similar mission not four days after that mission." He paused, taking a long moment to breath. "Nobody knows where the ship went, but they have been looking for it for some time now." 19
"Mr. Hora?" A young girl raised her hand, but kept her eyes on the notes she was taking. Her dark brown hair fell down over her face, covering most of her desk. Her eyes were glued to her paper, not even glancing at the teacher. 20
"Yes, Mrs. Posh?" 21
"Don't all ships have trackers in them, though?" 22
"Yes, Mrs. Posh, they do. That's why 'The Fortress's' disappearance was so... different." Mr. Hora took another pause. "One minute the commander was speaking loud and clear to the main station and the next... nothing." He shrugged. "Any more questions, class?" 23
Nobody moved. 24
"Alright, I expect to see 100% tomorrow on the test, then." The class let out a collective groan. 25
A loud bell dismissed the grumbling class. 26
"Mrs. Posh," Mr. Hora called over the grumbling students. "I see you've taken quite a liking to this particular study, and if there is any questions you have don't hesitate to ask them." 27
"Mr. Hora?" She smiled. 28
"Yes, Mrs. Posh?" 29
"Call me Rachel." She gave him another smile and exited the bland classroom. 30
3132
~3334
3536
To Be Continued3738
Author notes
The idea came from SavingAlex.
This is the beginning part... I might go on. This writing isn't really my norm. But, we'll see. Give me an honest opinion, eh?
Thanks for reading,
VioletConcept
In a list
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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AWsOME PROLOUGE!!! You did an fantastic job on it. I'm really looking forward to the 1st chaoter. Please keep writting and always do your best........wow I just sounded like a tecaher. lol. Still its an awsome story, looking forward to seeing the plot.
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This grabbed me from the first sentence. I love the whole concept and can't wait to read more! 'The Fortress' is a ship, right? I guess it wasn't crystal-clear, but that may have been me.
I saw some minor mistakes you might want to look at...
You do tend to use the word "class" several times in a row (paras 23-26), so you might want to substitute "students" or something for "class" in para 26.
The character "Mrs. Posh", whom you describe as a "young girl" should be "Ms. Posh" unless she's married - minor detail, though.
In para 27, "is any questions" should be "are any questions".
But otherwise, the story was fantastic - you have a lot to work with here -
I like where this is going, and I am interested in seeing more of it. You leave the reader wondering whats going on with the missing ship, and what happened to it and the crew. The characters are introduced well too.
I think this is a good start to something bigger.
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needs to be continued
this is like one of the kewlest things I've read in a while and i hope you finish it...i really do. and the characters are very interesting, but i think you should have a really big twist that will help you continue the story. let me know when you continue writing it so i can read the rest of it.
~kara your sissy la!
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Fhankies, Kara-la.
I wrote the next chapter... lol... Alex told me to tell you he said hi because he hasn't talked to you in a while. Thanks!
-Vio
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Interested
I think you started great, and the middle was super good too. Is this "Pollard" a very elderly man then? Im interested to see where you are going and would like to know when you post more. He must still be alive, isn't he?
beginning: 5, plot: 4, dialog: 5.
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Im still deciding on how old some of the characters are... Im thinking Pollard is old as well. And, yah, he is alive. Thanks for reading and commenting.
-Vio
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Even though your sitting next to me as I read this, I still loved it. Alex pointed out the only problem I saw... Its a great beginning and you really, really should continue this... HONESTLY! It seems like something Alex would write, I agree. And, also, I think you pulled this genre over quite well for your first time, even though it hasn't really had anything, you still have that feeling of Sci-Fi or whatever you call it.
You always seem to suprize me when it comes to different things you write. Like when you wrote Clouds, I was suprized. Im off topic! One more thing, you ARE a talented writer and you deserve the best critics.
So... You do need a bit more description, but everyone could always use a little bit more of that, right? Also, the ending is good, but bland. Just like the room. Just kidding. I do like how you revealed the main characters name, but you could of ended it with a bigger bang, if you get what I'm saying.
This is one of the longest comments I've ever left, but too bad. You'll read it all and like it! So, even though I'm moving I will still keep in touch with you and comment on all of your stories. Don't hesitate to ask for any help ever, alright? Ill always be there for you!
Keep writing.
I mean it.
Lindsey -
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Thanks for the comment, Linds. I will miss you a lot, too. Have fun in Kansas, you loser!
I hope I'll get ot see you again someday, hopefully!
-Vio
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One problem was you put hocked instead of hooked but thats it! it was really good start i cant wait to read the next chapter! nice talking to you again, kyn, hope to see this continue soon.
-alex
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Thanks for reading, Alex. Can't wait to continue either. At least I can count on you and Lindsey to actually read my stuff. Ha. I miss you, too.
Love You!
Vio
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