Night's Secrets (Prologue)

Missing image
It was a beautiful night.1

It was one of the nights when stars dazzled and sequined the dark night sky, making it look as though there were a million tiny faeries flying across it. The moon was beautiful, bright and seemed so close I could almost touch it.2

The thin silk curtains by the window I lay by danced languidly to a beating and timeless rhythm. The cool breeze flowing into the room brushed against my hair, making it's brown curls smoothly sail through the air.3

And even with all the small miracles flowing through my room, the night frightened me.4

The darkened shadows hiding in the walls weren't possibly revealed even by the big window so close to the moon. The noises of the night still came clearly, sometimes a horrible echo that rang in my ears hours after, and sometimes as though something were right beside me.5

And the scariest of all was to wonder if this night was to be my last. This world was dangerous, I was taught. That was the first thing anyone would tell you. 6

There would always be unknown scares, sinister and bloodthirsty creatures, or much more complicated twists in this world. It could happen to anyone actually but the thing was, it usually happened to me.7

There were several reasons for that.8

The first one was that I didn't really belong here. Nor did my mother, who died several years ago due to a fire in the villlage across the valley. I wasn't sure which world I came from, but when I asked, I was told it had already been destroyed.9

I wasn't supposed to be alive, nor would I ever belong here. And when you didn't belong, some would find a way to throw you out no matter what.10

That's the reason I was always kept in here. The last time I was ever able to walk out of the castle grounds was seven years ago. I've never seen how things changed except from this window in so long. 11

I miss it.12

I miss the sweet smell of pines and crystal streams in the valley. I missed the right corner at the end of the town where there was a small lake full of baby ducks and orange fish. I missed everything about the meadow in the clearing.13

Most of all, I missed him.14

For years my father kept me out of communicative breach because of the arrival of the Nisens, we called them. They were shape-shifters, actually. Unlike most mythical shape-shifters we'd heard of though, their true form was beautiful.15

So angelic and seemingly fragile, people were afraid of their beauty. The only reason they changed forms was because they served a ruler from a different world. An hideous witch, I was told. She was defeated in the end, though not all of the Nisens were captured.16

But even so, some still said her soul was still flying around somewhere and ready to come back again. 17

And even until now my father was afraid anyone I'd meet would be one of them. He tried to keep my out of anyone's knowledge, and half the town didn't even know I existed.18

I complied because I knew what he was doing was for my own good but sometimes I just needed to rebel. I was just so sick of this! I hated having to do everything I was told to. I wanted a real life, not to be kept in this castle like a prisoner all the time. 19

But there seemed nothing I could do. The guards were stern and seemingly unemotional. I tried bargaining but it never worked. Whoever didn't comply with my fathers wishes would be executed, so I couldn't blame them anyway.20

I looked out the window again and stared at the moon before finally landing my gaze on the town below. I was going to get out of here, I decided.21

I was going to going to find a life, no matter what it took.

Author notes

Angelic Dragon, you suck.

Um, that was for a contest.

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 60 of 60

  • EdanaM
    October 15
    Edit | Reply
    Your writing is so good! I loveyour description.


  • wolfcub
    October 4

    Edit | Reply
    I like para 4!
    and 6. although..."I was taught", might sound better, "I had been taught"
    "kept me out of communicative breach" wow, i have no idea what you're trying to say there!

    (i would suggest reomving it from closed contests - there's a long list of them and it looks messy)

    well-written. Nice imagery, good descriptions. Not really a lot more I can say.

    thanks for etnering and good luck


  • BlondSteph
    October 3

    Edit | Reply
    Well lovely descriptive words and a rather interesting story made me want to read on. Best of luck in the contest! Lovely writer.


  • BlackTide
    September 8
    Edit | Reply
    interesting hook...


  • Elms Apprehended
    August 16
    Edit | Reply
    I found it slightly cliched, but otherwise it's very good.
    Thanks for entering, a good luck!

  • volleym
    August 14

    Edit | Reply
    Great story. I loved the emotion in this. I could really feel the story, I loved it. Great job, and good luck in the contest.


  • Miss Recondite
    August 10

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    Entered enough contest? Lol. I think the last sentence of paragraph 2 should be the first sentence. Editors won't publish your story if the first few sentences aren't grabbing, and they weren't. Of course, I'm only 13, but I still know a thing or two. I'm not average. XD

    I think it was a good start for a story, although I really was interested in it. I realize it was a prologue, but if you don't add enough that tells where you are, and what you are, then people won't read it. Good luck in your pursuit of writing.


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    July 26
    Edit | Reply
    that was a cool story thanks for enterin


  • Luci Ferraris
    July 19

    Edit | Reply
    The title woke my curiosity, later the story hooked me.
    I liked reading it, and want to see more of it.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    I think this is an excellent beginning. It caught my interest and held it throughout, and I must say I love your descriptions....and the Nisens....and the 'hideous witch.' It's gonna be a Romeo and Juliet with a twist, eh...and no death in the end, ok?

    I will be reading more of this in the future. You've got me! I wish you all the best in the contest. Thanks for entering!

    *****************

    Par 19: He tried to keep my [me] out of anyone's knowledge, and half the town didn't even know I existed.

    • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
      August 25
      Edit | Reply
      Well don't worry, I don't have any Deaths planned for this. Well...not for the main characters, anyway. Thanks for the comment!


  • andhearts. ox
    July 10
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Very good. What more can I say?

  • lalala69
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    Nice work. However, you are missing 'which' in paragraph three, between 'windows' and 'I.' Also, in paragraph ten, the phrase "some would" sounds a little akward. In lines 13 and 14 when the character was talking about what she misses, the pretenses don't argee. First she would say 'I miss' then she would say 'I missed.' And in paragraph 22, the phrase "going to" is repeated unnecissarily. Also, I do not have the info that I am looking for so please get that to me. Other than that , it was interesting to read, I liked your choice of vocabulary and how you set the story up so that it was mysterious yet made sense. Nice work and thank you for entering.

    • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
      July 8
      Edit | Reply
      Haven't gotten the info yet? That's weird, I'm pretty sure I sent it to you already.
      Think I could fit it in here?

      Here goes... "I'm currently obsessed with Transformers Revenge of the Fallen." ...or I could say that I could play the piano, but I think the former's much more interesting.

      I'll get right to the errors ASAP. Still, I'm glad you liked it.


  • sberendt gold member
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    This was a great read! It made me want to keep reading, and when I saw it was in a list, I was so happy!

    I didn't see any grammatical mistakes, which is good. I would have liked to see more of it, actually. Maybe had her escape at the end of this installment?

    Anyway, this was great, and thanks for entering my contest!

    ~sberendt


  • Marisalyn13
    July 2
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful!!


  • Dual.Of.Fireflies
    July 1
    Edit | Reply
    Again, wonderful story!

  • Dual.Of.Fireflies
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting story! I think I have a good place for you in THE FINALISTS LIST! I'll add you, but I don't guarantee you'll be the ONE to win from YA, so just wait like a week, okay??? AMAZING STORY!


  • hsmlover1
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    Exellent!
    I love fantancy stories they alway intruge me and facinate me because it is such a different life than ours dont you think! Keep up this story and i honestly believe it could be a good published piece of work! Well done!

    Good luck in the contest!!

    HSMLOVER1


  • the class
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    This is really good. I think i've read it before, but all the description is very good, especially the sky. Thanks for entering


    • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
      June 20
      Edit | Reply
      You're welcome and thanks for the comment!
      Your username's for Buffy the Vampire Slayer series, right?


  • Asfand
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    I think the whole piece was actually well-written. The beginning had beautiful imagery and some great prose. I think you have a wonderful plot in your mind, and this snippet reflects.

    I do however, call it a snippet because it lacks any central beginning or ending. It leaves the reader unsatisfied. I think it would be great if you could expand the story. Put in more background and structure, perhaps make it a chapter and continue the story.

    Noticed some very small errors:


    The darkened shadows hiding in the walls were not able to be revealed even by the big window so close to the moon. -- not able to be reavealed - this sentence is choppy.

    So angelic and seemingly fragile people were afraid of their beauty. - comma between fragile and people.

    Even so, it's very well-written! Great job and Goodluck!


  • LindaIsMe
    June 18

    Edit | Reply
    I loved it. All of the words flowed together nicely and it was a nice read. I can't wait to read more! The entire thing captured my attention easily and held it. I really enjoyed it, good job. I'm surprised you aren't used to writing somehting like this from how experianced it seems you are.

    • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
      June 19
      Edit | Reply
      Seriously? Thanks!
      I wrote out the first chapter but can't put it in a list since I'm a free member. You could check it out if you're interested.

      Thanks for commenting.


  • Marisalyn13
    June 17
    Edit | Reply
    very well done, especially with description


    • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
      June 19
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks a lot. I was trying my best with that, since I don't consider myself to be very good at descriptions.


  • Dead Beauty
    June 13
    Edit | Reply

    Judge's comment

    Ah yes, I remember this well from my previous contest. Therefore I shan't really comment on it, because I already have from before (there's no point repeating what I said, is there?) , but I shall still add you to the finalists' list. However you might not win again because you have already won my last contest in some way, so don't be disappointed: I still love this story
    Good luck!


  • Violette silver member
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    No, I haven't read this one before. Excellent use of imagery and extensive vocabulary. Can't wait to read the story.


  • Dual.Of.Fireflies
    June 7
    Edit | Reply
    Kewel. Nice. Sweet.


  • fairy princess k
    June 7
    Edit | Reply

    kool

    kool story . k
    wonderful description of the night sky , keep them up k


  • Kyndal Laran
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    such beautiful description and amazing vocabulary.
    a great prompt and awesome way of putting things.
    i adored the way you made it so angelic and heavenly
    and then you mashed it into a destroyed preview.
    it was incredible. i love this prologue!


  • dreamcloud-9
    May 29

    Edit | Reply
    I LOVED IT! it was great! it kept me feeling sorry for her, but at the same time i was mystified by the way everything was described. it was a great read. thanks so much for entering my contest!


  • Deidara-is Smexy
    May 29
    Edit | Reply
    *hot* This was good! Good job! I enjoyed reading it!


  • Yoko
    May 29
    Edit | Reply
    That was a nice read. The words ran into eachother so nicly. I liked it. Good job! =^^=


  • xMoonlightxDreamsx
    May 29

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, you're great at being very descriptive in this piece... It was the perfect amount. It was very smooth to read. Great job and good luck in the contests!

  • Dead Beauty
    May 29

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! That is a very good piece of work and I really enjoyed it. The description was spot-on and every image was clearly transmitted from your writing into my mind. Your writing is very vivid and I think you could be going for one of the three winners in my contest. Well done and good luck!

    • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
      May 29
      Edit | Reply
      Really?! WOW. Thank you.

      I'm glad the images were smoothly transmitted, I was trying pretty hard to make that happen because sometimes it's a little hard for me to write about it.

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