Everyone has a story - Princess's diary

My name means nothing to you. Most of my memories are dust.1

This is not your fault, or mine.2

On those occasions when I was remember, it was as a victim.3

Near the beginning of my story, there is a passage that seems to say I was almost raped and continues with the bloody tale of how my thoughts were changed.4

There was far more to tell. Had I been asked to speak of it, I would have begun with the story of my childhood, which is the only place to begin.5

Of course, this is more complicated for me because I should have had a little brother, but my mother miscarried him when he was almost ready to come to the world.6

I can feel my parents love me. I cherish their love always, it sustains me. It keeps me alive.7

I have lost many people. My grandpa, my friends, also my little brother. 8

Even I left them, and even now, so long after their death, I am comforted by their memory.9

And now you come to me. I wish I had more to tell of my childhood, but I took a long while to think of a good memory, a happy memory. But nothing came back. 10

That's why I summited this story at the very end of the closing time. It is terrible how much has been forgotten, which is why, I suppose, remembering seems a holy thing.11

I am so grateful you have come. I will pour out everything inside me so you may feel it in your heart, and get to know “who I am”.12

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“What are their name?” A nurse asked Ella with a huge blessed smile.14

“The boy is Dennis and the girl is Denise.” Ella replied proudly.15

Yes, I was a baby who made my mom feel proud. Why? Cause it's actually quite rare to bear twins, a boy and a girl, according to my mom. She said many doctors and nurses were forced to come and see my brother and my birth because of it. I should have felt popular, but of course I could not feel anything when I was just a baby. It's kinda creepy. My mom, my dad, my grandma and my uncle also are twin of two, they said I probably will bear twins when I grow up and have babies. Should I appreciate it? Um..Maybe. 16

My mom said I was a baby who loved to sleep all day. I didn't cry much, my mom was appreciate it. She actually didn't spend much time on me until the first time I got a severe disease.17

I was around nine, my health was so frail that it bottomed out. I got Pneumonia and bronchitis three times within two years. One day, I was sent to the hospital and my condition was severe. I remember the nurses had to draw blood every two hours and give me a lot of treatments, it was unbearable. After every treatment, I cried and begged my mother “I want to go home, please” . And my mom looked at me and said “ no. baby. You have to be strong!” . 18

When I turned 12, it happened. You may wonder what was going on. I was sent to hospital again. I remember, that was a rainy day, midnight. I began to throw up everything and couldn't stop. My mom was shocked seeing her honey throwing up blood. My bed was covered with it like a red sea. One hour later, I lay in the operating table and looked at the operating lamp. The doctor gave me a X-ray therapy. He said my lung was turning black and began to collapse. If I was not sent to hospital on time, I would have died one hour before. But I didn't care..at all. I was tired of lying in bed and doing nothing..And..I wondered... who would care if I died?19

"She stares out the windowpane20

Watching the day begin21

She loves how the colors change with the dawn22

Everyday....Everyday....23

She watches everyday slip away24

Dreaming of yesterday....yesterday...25

Music and photograph26

They keep her company27

She loves walking down the path to the sea28

Everyday...Everyday...29

She goes there everyday...everyday...30

See how she fades away...fades away.."31

It was probably the most hardest time in my life so far. I was extremely thin and reduced to a moving skeleton. Fortunately, in the next five years, my condition was getting better and my body was getting plump, but I actually loved it. Even now, several years later, I love my body too cause it is a symbol of my good condition. 32

The old saying that one only remembers the good times, but in my case the days in the hospital was a bad time in particular that I will never forget.33

As a kid I learned a song that went something like this:34

"Memories are treasures locked in my heart I mean to keep evermore. Of all the treasures one stands apart, saved from the dear days of 'Yore'.”35

I love memory. Cause pleasant memories keep me alive. 36

I hate memory. Cause unpleasant memories lead me to endless sorrow always.37

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(16 years old..Summer, Midnight..)39

Denise shook her head.40

“Talk to me, Denise. Is everything okay with you?”41

This elicited a wail so plaintive it hurt Denise to hear it. Bingo.42

“Over” Denise cried, her voice catching in her throat. “It's over....”43

Denise had made this pronouncement no fewer than eight times that day.44

“Honey, what's wrong?” Her mom crooned, gathering Denise's tear dampened hair from her face into a ponytail, “What happened?”45

The show of concern brought with it a fresh stream of tears; Denise was sobbing so hard her tiny body trembled. Her mom ran through the possibilities of what could cause such pain, and came up with only three: a death in the family, a tragedy and a man.46

“Sweetie, what happened? Jason? What's wrong with you two? He met someone?”47

Denise shook her head, spoke nothing and closed the door with locked.48

She didn't sleep, eat and speak anything at all in few days till her mom came in and tried to speak with her again. 49

“Denise's here?” She asked. She forgot to knock the door and pull open it to find her little daughter sitting in the farthest corner, knees pulled tight against her chest, cheeks slick with tears and face was pale as ghost. Looking her daughter like this led her to cry.50

“What was going on? My sweetheart? Can you please tell me? You are depressing me so bad, seeing you crying like this breaks my heart, please? Tell me..” She dropped to her knees without thinking and wrapped her arms around Denise.51

Denise looked deep into her eyes and opened her mouth since she had not spoke anything in three or four days. She began to speak and she could feel the memory was coming back, how a stranger came over her and pulled her against a wall. How the man began to tug her clothes and took off his pants. How the man started to touch her and how she began to scream.52

Her mom began to cry.. too, very hard. Seeing her mom crying like this also made her brokenhearted. Her mom suggested her to go find a psychologist, but she didn't. She just needed time to forget it. But even now, the memory is still here. Which is why, She supposes, remembering seems a holy thing.53

This was probably the most depressing time in my life so far...54

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(17 years old, Winter, Canada.)56

She took another calming breath and glanced at the clock. Her appointment was in fifteen minutes and the clinic was a ten-minutes away. Her heart was beating violently..she remembered the last several times she came here. All she could do were to lie in the operating table and do the treatments that she totally didn't want to do. She was actually afraid and she absolutely could not take any negative things in her life anymore. What happened? What was going on? Her tumor? But she felt so much better in this two weeks. At least, she felt great...even she felt dizzy sometimes, but it was common. She felt like that always. 57

The clinic smelled of bleach and flesh paint. Denise wondered who would love to smell it. She sat down in a round chair and waited for the assistant calling her name.58

“You can go right on in” the perky new assistant drawled after ten minutes. 59

She entered a room where next to the female washroom with a shaky heart ..60

There was a sudden loud when she got into the door.61

“Congratulation!!” The doctor smiled and said.62

“What's going on?” She asked him with a confusing voice.63

“Your report is done. Your tumor is getting smaller now and it won't affect your future anymore. You just need to continue the dietetic treatment and then you will be good!” He said.64

“What? What on earth are you talking about?” She wondered if the doctor made a mistake.65

“Denise! Denise Fan! I am talking about you! Your condition!” The doctor repeated with smile.66

“What? Are you serious? Or.... it is just a dream, right?” She asked.67

“No, it's real!” 68

“I don't believe it. I can't imagine it. I am sure you would not believe it either if you were me, I can't believe it cause everyone think that I am a tragic person. After all the suffering time, I have no tumor and disease anymore. I thought I was a person who live with diseases, sorrows and pains all the time. But now it's not true! I am a person who is similar to you, to everyone! I don't need to worry anymore. HA! Now I have parents, I have friends, I have everything I need. What's not to adore? I love life, I really do. I love everything, I love all of you! I am a princess! The world is such a beautiful place, isn't it? This is the first time I feel that I am alive, I am exist in this world, in this beautiful place. So believe me, there is always hope in an endless tunnel. There is always happiness at a very bottom place. There is always love in our hearts which we are looking for. And all of these things are exactly the reason why we exist in this world, and what we strive for. So if you want to be happy, then be happy all the time! ”69

(The World Is a Beautiful Place - by Lawrence Ferlinghetti)70

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don't mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don't sing
all the time71

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn't half bad
if it isn't you72

Yes the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs and having inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people and
making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and
dancing
and going swimming in rivers
on picnics
in the middle of the summer
and just generally
'living it up'
Yes
The world is the best place of all! 73