My Story

"Why do you do this to yourself? I mean come on Tabby everytime you start talking to her again what happens? She has broken you heart more times than I can count. Do you really think its a smart idea to be talking to her again? Last time it nearly killed you. Remember that? Yeah I don't think you do. You didn't speak to anybody for weeks. You barely ate anything. You were like in a freaking coma. I mean...."1

"Ok! I get it Megan! You don't think its a good idea for me to be talking to Kelli again!" I scream into the phone. "Will you just drop the damn subject!"2

"Fine but when you get hurt because your too fucking stubborn to listen to me don't come crying to me!" Megan screams back. Then I hear the steady beeping of the phone.3

"That bitch hung up on me!" I growl throwing my cell onto my bed. "What does she even know?" I sigh running my fingers through my short blonde hair. Deep down I agree with her, but all I can think about is the way Kelli's voice sends chills up and down my spine. I know that its practically guaranteed that she will break my heart again, but I just keep thinking how beautiful she is and how much I've missed her. My phone rings and I sigh not sure whether or not to pick it up again. I decide against it and just let it ring. It stops ringing and I sigh again. Why can't life just be easy? Once again the phone rings.4

"Dammit!" I scream rolling off the bed and grabbing the phone. "What Megan!" I yell.5

"Look ok I get it you love her, but does she really love you? I mean look at what she has put you through." Megan half whispers, probably afraid I'll blow up on her again.6

"Look I don't..." I start to say trying hard not to yell.7

"Let me finish ok." she says before I can finish. "Ok maybe she does love you, somewhere in her heart, but I don't think she knows what she wants, which is you. You know what you want, you want her bad, but until she realizes that she wants you to your just going to keep getting hurt." Megan says softly.8

"I know..... I really just don't know what to do." I whisper a few tears rolling down my cheek. 9

"Just don't get hurt ok. I love you. Your my best friend and I can't stand to see you hurt."10

"Ok I'll be careful." I say back wipeing the tears and hanging up not bothering to say goodbye. I can't handle this stress. I can't handle the feelings that I feel every time I hear her voice. I can't handle not being able to be with her. And I definently can't handle Megan's shit. I roll over on my bed pulling the blankets to me. I lay there trying to keep my mind from wandering to places that I don't want it to go. I don't want to think about her. I don't want to think about Megan. I don't want to think about life. I just want sleep.11

The morning brings no relief at all. All it takes is one look at the calender. February 23, the day we started dating two years earlier. Where did the time go? It feels like just yesterday that we broke up. It's all I can do to keep from breaking down. To make matters worse it's a Monday. That means dealing with everybody getting into my business, asking me what's wrong, why I'm so quiet, and of course the question everyone asks "Why can't you get over it?" I'm so sick of hearing that. Why can't they just understand? It's not easy to get over someone that you truely love! It's not like you can just tell youself that you don't love them. But still I can't help asking myself the very same question. Why can't I get over it? Why is it that I'm constantly thinking about her? Why does the smallest mention of her feeling like I'm falling into a pit with no one to catch me? Why does the thoughts of those few wonderful months make me feel like I'm falling apart? Like I'm sinking into deep water? Why do I feel like there is a whole in my chest that I have to hold together? I don't have answers to any of these questions. I sit on my bed, my arms hugging my knees tightly to my chest, trying to hold the pain inside. Eventually I make myself move. I can't sit here forever, I still have to get my sisters up for school. 12

The rest of the morning is a blur. I can only remember bits and peices. My oblivious father, unaware of the turmoil going on inside of me, saying good bye, stepping off the bus at school. Nothing makes sense. It's like everything is being played in slow motion and backwards. Nothing anyone says makes any sense to me, it's just gibberish. I don't remember first or second period at all. I only know I'm standing in the band room, the only safe place left in my life, the one place I can forget. I grab my clarinet, ignoring Sarah and Savannah when they call my name. I sit down in my chair, breathing deeply. I place the mouth peice between my lips and blow softly listening to the soft, smooth sound coming from the instrument. It's perfectly in tune. I play a few scales to warm up, feeling all the tension flow from my body, forgetting everything but the basics. I focus on my breathing, steady flow, not to much air, quick deep breaths. Mr. King walks in the room so I rest my clarinet on top of my knees waiting for class to start.13

"What's crackin' kids?" Mr. King says in his ridiculous "gansta" voice. "Since you all have been doing so good the last few weeks I've decided were going to take a break today and watch a movie!" Everybody cheers loudly, except me. I need this release today, I need to have that... that... simpleness of my instrument. I walk up to Mr. King.14

"Can I go into a practice room King? I really just want to practice today." I say trying to keep my breathing normal, if he says no I think I'm going to break down.15

"Sure. They are unlocked. You sure you don't want to watch the movie?" He asks his face scrunched into a slightly worried expression. I just nod. Sarah and Savannah stare after me, probably wondering whats up. I walk out of the room and out into the hallway. I walk down to the farthest practice room and shut the door behind me. The practice room is bland. Tan, maybe four feet by five feet, with only two chairs in the room. Both chairs are black with a square back. One is in the middle of the room facing the back wall. The other is in a corner. I sit in the one in the center of the room. All sound is shut out, it's like my own private world. A place I can be myself, cry if I want to, or just sit. I lift my clarinet to my lips once again blowing softly. The sound fills the small room instantly. I switch to another note this one lower, slightly melancholy. Then I switch to another, this one a little higher, but still just as sad. Soon the room is filled with this wonderful music. This music I wrote. The notes flow effortlessly from my instrument, almost as if they were alive, forming a slow, smooth, sad tune. The music blends together sounding as if many instruments are playing, not just one solitary instrument. I play without thinking, without needing any paper in front of me. This song is from the heart, my heart.16

"That's a beautiful song Tabby." I spin around startled. I hadn't even heard the door open. 17

"Thanks..." I say trying to force a weak smile. It's just Sarah, my smart, sweet friend.18

"Did you write it for someone special?" She asks walking to the chair in the corner of the room and sitting down. She stares at me with her green eyes, she knows somethings wrong, she's just hopeing I bring it up first.19

"Kinda...." I half whisper, feeling my throat start to constrict. "I won't cry!" I tell myself breathing deeply. 20

"That girl from two years ago?" she asks. I just nod. I can feel the sob building, my eyes are watering, the tears are threatening to over flow. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asks walking toward me. Part of me screams no, but another part seems to know that talking about it will help. 21

"If you don't mind listening to me cry." I choke out. I ment for it to sound like a joke, but my voice shook too much. I know she can tell, but I smile anyway.22

"Tabby, you know if you need a shoulder to cry on you always have me." she says placing her small hand on my arm. And thats when I let the gates open, the tears poor from my eyes while the words flow from my mouth. I tell her all about Kelli. The things I love, the things that make me laugh, the things that make me cry, and the whole time she just sits here listening to me. I tell her everything. I tell her about the plans we made, and we both laugh at some of the silly things that Kelli says. We both jump when the bell rings dismissing class.23

"Wow! That was a short seventy minutes!" Sarah laughs as we walk side by side toward the cafeteria.24

"Yeah it was." I say back feeling a little bit better.25

"Can I ask you something?" she asks looking at her feet. I have to look down at her anyway because she's a few inches shorter than me. Her long brown hair is covering her beautiful green eyes, its pretty cute.26

"Yeah, sure." I say smiling slightly. 27

"Well.... why did you guys break up? I don't know it just seems like you both really cared about each other." she says looking into my eyes. I can see that she is worried that she has upset me. The truth is it does hurt, but I don't want her to know so I smile at her.28

"We broke up because of the distance. " I say and I'm suprised that my voice is so steady. "She couldn't handle the distance."29

"Oh.... well what about you? Did the distance bother you?"30

"Yeah a little sometimes, but....." I pause and draw in a deep shuddery breath. The hole seems to be ripping, I feel like my chest is being ripped apart. I wrap my arms tightly around myself, holding the pain in. I can feel a fresh wave a tears forming.31

"But what Tabby?"32

"But......" the pain is unbearable. I'm not sure how I'm going to get the words out. I can't breath, the words are stuck in my throat. Some how I manage to squeeze them out. "I was going to propose to her. I was even looking for a ring. I had one I wanted, and I was working towards earning the money when we broke up." It comes out as a whisper. Sarah looks at me her eyes conveying sympathy. She takes a step forward, almost like she's going to hug me, but thinks better of it and stops short.33

"Tabby... I'm sorry." she whispers looking up at me once again.34

"It's fine. I'm over it now." my voice shakes at this lie. She looks at me, she knows that this is a lie. She's looking at me and I know what she's going to say. She's going to say its ok to cry, but it's not. If I cry I won't stop. 35

"I'm going to be late." I say turning and hurrying off. I can't do this any more. I don't want the pity or the sympathy. I just want to forget.36