Sticks and stones may break my bones but nasty words will starve me #2

“We’re going to have to put her in hospital today.” I heard a voice say.1

No, noooo they couldn’t, I just had half a stone to lose they couldn’t. 2

I heard my mother sob3

“Why today? Can’t you wait a bit more?” she asked4

“I’m sorry Miss Long; we just can’t let her walk around like that.” The voice replied.5

“ok.” My mother said.6

So this was it, my fight against them. Even my mother had given up on me; she didn’t even fight them on it. I wouldn’t let them touch me; they wouldn’t pour any calories onto me. I would reach my goal.7

They put me in hospital on the very same day. I wasn’t allowed to see my mother for two weeks, well that was fine, I hated her.8

I begged and pleaded her to let me stay but she didn’t she just sent me away. Then I refused to move and she screamed and shouted at me. I screamed back at her, her words seemed to feed me, and I just wanted more. My brain was screaming for more, I wanted her to be angry, just like I was. Eventually she broke down into tears; I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of seeing my tears so I blinked them away. We drove to the hospital in silence and I refused to hug her when she left.9

The doctor came to see me that day and he was cold and uncaring. He just looked at my notes and me and said we have people like you all the time.10

So that was it? I was just another number? People like him didn’t care about me and why should they? I’m just another person making their life difficult.11

It was hell in the hospital, they served me food, I didn’t eat it and I was losing even more weight. I was happy, but there was one things the hospital was depriving me of – exercise. One day I set of to have a look around the hospital. It seemed these days my body was aching, but I carried on walking regardless of my pain. I had been walking around briskly for 10 minutes before I felt a sharp pain in my leg, I sat down to recover and felt a sharp pain in my arm. I blinked to hold back the tears. What was happening to me? I stood up to go to my room and fell down to the ground.12

*13

They were pouring the calories into me, I could see the drip. I couldn’t move my body at all, all parts of my body ached. I shut my eyes but I still couldn’t block out the words they were saying.14

“She’s going to die…”15

I wasn’t I wasn’t, I couldn’t. I just had to reach my goal.16

“She can’t go around walking like that its too dangerous…”17

It wasn’t, I could, they just had to leave me alone. Why couldn’t these people just leave me alone?18

“Insert it there, that should keep her alive for a bit.”19

No, no! Take it away, I don’t want, just let go of me!20

“Why do kids to this to themselves? I just don’t understand it.”21

And you never will! You’ll never understand my isolation or loneliness. 22

I woke up crying. They couldn’t do this to me and I wouldn’t let them. I didn’t need their help no now not ever. No one wanted to help me before why now? Why now when I just want to be left alone?23

I decided I wasn’t going to stay here anymore, I didn’t need them. I swung my legs over my bed and gently removed the drip. Pain shot through my arm.24

“Shit,” I said and bit my lip to hold back the tears. I quickly got up and instantly felt dizzy; I held the bed to regain my steadiness. My feet felt tired and achy but I had to go on. I grabbed my jumper and walked out of the room. I walked past reception and received some weird looks. Just as I was on my way out of the word I heard a voice.25

“Where are you going?” Dr. Dow asked.26

Shit.27

“Out.”28

“You’re not allowed to leave the ward Jess, you know that.”29

“Well I don’t care; I’m in control of my own life not you. I don’t want your help and I don’t need it. I’m fine the way I am.”30

“If you’re fine the way you are how come you nearly died?”31

There was that word again, why did they keep saying that? I wasn’t going to die.32

“I’m fine just leave me alone.” I said pushing the door open. Another pain shot through my arm and my legs gave way.33

“Get the nurse, get the nurse!” I heard Dr Dow shout.34

Not again, no not again, they couldn’t put me back in the bed they couldn’t put the calories into me. I felt someone’s arms around me.35

“Let go of me!” I shouted and tried to push free. “I don’t want your help, let go!”36

I was losing all my energy and I was losing the battle, they had to leave me alone. I had to keep fighting I was still the winner.37

“Her breathing is deteriating…” a voice said.38

“I think we’re losing her.” Another voice39

No, I wasn’t dying.40

“Give her the oxygen mask.” A voice said.41

No! I didn’t need their help and I didn’t want it, why couldn’t they leave me alone?42

“Leave me alone…” but even in my own ears my voice sounded faint. “Leave me alone…”43