TO EACH HER OWN EXCERPT1
On the sheet, under "What is Something About Yourself You Dislike?" Elizabeth had scribbled "I am 26 and already a bitter old woman. But how would YOU be if people had sex in YOUR bathroom?" Dr. Menors hadn’t liked that. He’d sent her trudging back though the snow with a fresh questioner and a few words about not being such a child.2
And the drunks at the Schadenfreude, to their credit, had tried to help her.3
“You have greasy hair.” Said Divorcee Drunk.4
“You swear too much.” Said Lady Drunk.5
“Your wrack ain’t big enough.” Said Plaid-Jacket Drunk.6
“You‘re a little bit bitter and old.” Said Gracie, passing a drink down the slumped line of alcoholics. “But that’s okay. I guess I would be, too, if I had to work here twenty-four seven.”7
“Thanks, Grace.” Elizabeth said dryly. 8
“I’m just speaking the truth, right? But hey, look on the bright side. You can’t be in therapy forever.” 9
“She’s got a point.” Interjected Plaid-Jacket drunk helpfully. 10
“I mean, at the very least, Dr. Menors will get tired of you eventually.”11
Elizabeth wondered, briefly, how Gracie thought that anything she said was helping anybody. 12
“Or you’ll run out of money.”13
“Fuck, Gracie. I got it already.”14
“Okay, okay. Jesus.” Grace put her hands up in mock surrender. A crooked smile had crept onto her face, laying there like a picture hanging on only one tack. “C’mon, smile. It was a little bit funny, right?”15
Elizabeth pressed her lips together as if she was trying to keep some dirty secret tucked inside her mouth. 16
“Go unload the new shipment from the back, Gracie.”17
Her hands fell back to her side and her face slackened. It was like watching a marionette having it’s strings dropped. Grace walked through the doors to the back without a word.18
“Lawd. You really are bitter and old, aren’t you?” Mumbled lady drunk. Elizabeth gave her the finger.
Author notes
I'm submitting this tidbit for peer editing tomorrow. I'd like some feedback before then--constructive crit is more than welcome, in fact I would prefer it over praise.
Comments
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Well,you are special--wanting criticism over praise--I think I like you already. I certainly like what you wrote,it was funny and eloquent and I like that phrase 'her smile hanging like a picture on one tack--nice. I like that it wasn't too self-pitying but be careful not to overdue the the descriptions too much or it will sound trite,and read like an overdone thanksgiving turkey that too dry an people will have to chew on it for quite awhile before getting it. I worked as a waitress and know the atomosphere of working in bars/taverns/grills and restuarants and this sounds like you know your way around the food and beverage business,good job and your peers should like it,at worse it needs a little tweaking but i wouldn't change it overall. I like the main characetr an would read it through when you post it or finish it.I will add you to my list of who to read for the future.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Interesting and well it good in
that you have a different style of writing which is a good thing since we all dont want to have to write the same .
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