I looked down at my hand, Blue sparks were still Crackling around my fingers. I looked At the Circle of dead bodies lying on the ground around me. Scorch marks were clearly visible on the ground, evidence of the strengh of my attack. An alarm blared through speakers set on posts all around the compound. I heard the sound of booted feet runing on the concrete. I ran forward and grabed a pistol from one of the bodies, i shoved it into a pocket.1
I looked up at the tall chain link fence, barbed wire ran all the way along the top - there was no way i was going to climb over that. I closed my eyes, i tried not to think about the heavily armed guards rusing towards me - i needed to concentrate for this to work. I emptied my mind and felt my power flow through me. I calmly opened my eyes. I ran towards the Fence and jumped. At the apex of my jump I released my power. I shot up into the air, leaving a trail of crackling blue energy behind me. I easily cleared the fence. I heard a series of bangs as the persuing guards opened fire. I rolled to the left, easily dodging the hail of bullets flying through the air. I took one last glance at the place i had been raised sice birth, before acelerating out of range of the guards.2
The sky was growing dark by the time i decided to stop. Although flying took no physical effort, the amount of concentration required, made long-distance flying tiring. I looked down at the Village below me, it was better than nothing. I drifted lower to the ground, before dropping the last few feet. I rolled with the impact and looked around. I was in a small garden, the grass was recently cut, and carefully managed flower beds ran the length of one side. I spotted a shed in one corner of the garden, the door wasnt locked. I settled down on top of some bags of compost and closed my eyes. Memories of my years of training flowed through me, I felt a slight pang of pain for the staff at the facility they had been the closest i'd ever had to a family - I never knew my real parents. I pushed all those memories away and sunk into a restless sleep.
Author notes
Just some random segment i decided to write...
So, for this contest i'm entering i need to tell you what genre i'm working in (if it isnt Obious): Sci-Fi
A contest entry
- Almost Anything Goes! by toolenduso.
875 points, ended July 17, 78 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Open a story by gerifitzsimmons.
600 points, ended July 1, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Should i think about writing a new chapter/Continuation?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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You have a lot of action to draw your reader in; and a strong plot to hold their interest
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This will make a good Science Fiction tale, but will require careful editing. -
Very interesting to see such story packed into such space...but a good beginner, definitely. I like the style here; the way you conveyed the action.
So thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!
Style: 9/10
Flow: 8/10
Uniqueness: 3/5
Readability: 6/7
Effect: 6/10
Lack of Errors: 2/3
Personal Score: 3/5
Total: 37/50 -
I loved it!
Anyways, to your question about whether or not to make it longer. It's all up to you. Yep, really. That's my advice.
I think it sounds like a great beginning for a fantastic story so if you choose to write more chapters then you can count on me to give them a look. If you simply don't want to, or if it doesn't feel right to do so, then know that I enjoyed it in all it's short glory.
I'll probably check back to see if you've written anymore but if you have the time, please message me anyways because I'm awfully forgetful. : (
Happy writing!
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Possibly if you were to make this a tad bit longer, it would be perfect. It's really good as it is, but you should at least try to add more, so the reader gets pulled in a lot more.
Okay, now to commenting this in a good way...
I loved the detail. Just pure love. The first two lines were what really pulled me in. And then it got better and better throughout the whole thing. =]
Good job! -
Very interesting, could easily be the start of a much longer story.
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Excellent
Good start to an interesting story. A one man army .give him a name and some kind of past youhave a good story going. Five
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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if you read carefully, he does have a past, he was raised since birth by the staff at the facility.
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This is the awesome kind of random! Love super-powers. lol Too bad about the end. That made me sad.
Nicely done,
-Chantale
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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devastating.
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