They say that evil lurks in the hearts of men, that everyone has their own personal demon.1
What they don’t tell people is how to live with it.
2
~*~3
She looked at the pair of scissors clasped in her hand, elongated blades tapering to a single sharp tip, and then at the naked form of a woman laying face down on the bed. 4
A whimper escaped from between lips and electrical tape, muffled by the wadded blanket under the woman’s face, and Carmen crossed the room in swift steps to stand by her victim.5
She leant over the woman, tracing the tip of the scissors down the woman’s flawless mocha skin, over shaking shoulders and down one tape-bound arm. She angled the scissors and pressed down with slight pressure, smiling as it drew another stifled cry.6
Savouring the moment, Carmen lifted the scissors away and caressed the tip before sitting down on the bed. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head and laid her ear on the woman’s back.7
The melody of fear greeted her; Carmen listened, enthralled, the composition of rapid thuds and rasping breath delightful.8
Lifting the scissors, she plunged the conjoined blades into the woman’s left buttock.9
She felt the slight resistance of the skin just before she heard the faint sound of the initial puncture. As the scissors sunk into the flesh, the symphony beneath Carmen’s ear increased in tempo, and a variety of moans, each unique and intricate, contributed an accompanying harmony.10
A connoisseur, she listened, hand on the scissors, as the rest of the piece played out beneath her ear. 11
Carmen raised her head, pleasure flushing her cheeks, and extracted the scissors.12
The blades fell again many times, sometimes with deliberation, and other times with sheer abandon. 13
Finally, slicked with blood, she rose from the bed and stood.14
Below her, once unblemished flesh now marred with congealing trails of crimson, the woman twitched.15
Dispassionately, Carmen took one of her sticky, blood-coated hands and pushed it down on the back of the woman’s head.16
Legs thrashing, the woman attempted to fight the suffocating fate Carmen now bestowed upon her. 17
When the jerks didn’t abate as quickly as Carmen wished, she cursed. Climbing onto the bed, she rolled the woman onto her back and straddled her. She leant down and brought her face to the other woman’s, meeting nose-to-nose.18
“Die,” she whispered, as she pressed the scissors into the woman’s neck, before twisting them viciously.19
The woman’s eyes widened as blood burst from her torn throat. Her pupils dilated as life departed in diminishing spurts, the precious fluid drenching Carmen. With a spasm, ankles thudding uselessly against the wooden frame of the bed, death finally claimed her victim.20
Carmen pushed herself away from the corpse, staring at the scissors protruding from her twin sister’s neck.21
The evil – previously chained in the depths of her mind – was finally free.22
And now it had the taste of blood, it wanted more…
Author notes
This is more a vignette than a full story. It is possible to use this to base something longer on, but for now, it just is.
A contest entry
- Sadism and Torture- By Chantale by Shadow-Kissed.
225 points, ended June 13, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Psychological Thrillers...and then some by ley527.
100 points, ended June 2, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short-short Story Contest! Any genre welcome! by amanda vampiress.
475 points, ended August 10, 60 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Diary-chan's First Contest (Options: Points Have Gone Up!) by Diary-chan.
900 points, ended July 1, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Emotionaly Challenged. Can You Change That? by BloodyMurder.
126 points, ended June 6, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Ravings of A Madman [ Murder Story Contest ] by Asfand.
225 points, ended June 24, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I can't think of a contest name! by Le Masquerade.
130 points, ended July 8, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Something... by Dual.Of.Fireflies.
100 points, ended July 5, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ``Emotionally Charged by Reaver.
600 points, ended July 9, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Let's get ready to be HORRIFIED! by Dark Wanderer.
550 points, ended September 26, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short stuff (<1000) by Vanilla King.
350 points, ended October 31, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I absoltely bloody loved it - totally my kinda story.
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I've read this before and my previous comment still stands
Thanks for entering! -
WOW! How utterly amazingly gruesome! Very very well done!
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Hey there, thanks for entering my contest.
Well, what can I say? I've read this before! Though I can't remember if I had commented on it...
A story of a truly sadistic woman...I liked how the character marred the buttocks of the victim...my only question is why? LOL...
A great read, so well done for that. Best of luck in the contest.
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that was gorily fantastic. She really is absolutely psychotic, isn't she? It was a great piece. The way you made the pace so slow when really something huge is happening, specially the twin part. I have no critisisms, just commendation.
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If I could whistle, I'd be doing it now.
That was amazingly well written, and just alround awesome xD
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This was rather good with a very interesting twist. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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I've been on a weird, twisted, gore-ridden horror take lately.. and you've certainly subdued some of my 'craving' in this piece. I wish I could offer more than just praise- but then again, it's a good thing as well if I don't see any mistakes to critique I would love to see this eventually turned into something longer... to see the twisted, dark workings of Carmen's mind beginning to form before she kills her twin.
But even as it is, it's good.. so job well done. Gave me shivers.
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Hmmm...It reminded me of Sweeney Todd. Your charactor was seriously twisted, and the story was good but it would have been better if you would have added more detail. It seemed a bit rushed. It was still good though.
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This was good. I'll give you that. Carmen is certainly a twisted thing isn't she? The twin sister thing at the end did give me a bit of a shock that made me reread the sentence. I can see why this won gold in a few contests. One thing I really liked was the musical composition aspect you gave to the sounds of the victims screams and moans.
One thing I did notice that threw me off was in paragraph 18. The whole blood encrusted hands thing was kinda weird. Blood takes a while to encrust and in this case, it would still be fresh and dripping.
But good job with this.
Than you for entering my contest.
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this is really gory and gross. I think it is very well written.
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Wow. Its certainly graphic. Well written. Some lovely lines and manages to pull you in to an incredible scene very quickly.
Nice -
Oh wow, I am amazed. You described things really well and detailed. I love how you gave us an introduction at the beginning first. "Evil lurks in the hearts of men, and what they don't tell people is how to live with it."
Its so true. And it absolutely helps the readers to make clear the plot of this short story. Very creative and well done!!
The whole piece is really beautiful. I had not read a short story like this before, very mysterious. I love how you described Carmen pressed the scissors into her sister's neck and killed her. Oh wow, its kind of scary, but still, I love it.
I am shocked! I love the entire thing. You have such a talent to write good stories. Oh well, I should check out your other works.
Great job! And keep up your good work!
Denise -
wow, that was deep, nice story!! Very interesting=] You got talent=] And I love the font, it's so coooooool!
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Admittedly, I've read very little of your work [so far], but this sadism/horror/gore strikes me as a recurring and favorite theme. Nothing wrong with that, we all have our faves. Doesn't do much for me, though. That's just me.
I know you have many fans and I'm probably gonna get roasted for this, but what the hell, I feel posts like this are far more valuable than simple adulation.
First off, the skin crawling perfection of chapter 12 earns you a clap. The twin sister at the end, a brave twist most writers would shy away from, another.
But that's about it. Some good imagery here, some not so: the comma splice in chapter 17 tripped me up. The "blood encrusted hands" in the next chapter, invoking an image of old, dried blood, also didn't work. Chapter 21: superfluous wording. Chapter 22: border line purple prose.
Don't get me wrong. This piece has more strengths than weaknesses. You're a good writer and you know it. Good enough to keep me perusing your work, no and then, when I have the time and inclination :-)
Dw
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I love it!!!
Your descriptions in this piece were Perfect!!
You put my mind into the story; the twisting end wrapping it up with sharpened skill!
Sheer evil in this story! I love it!!
My only thing would be that I thought 21 read somewhat awkwardly. However, that may have just been how I read it.
…for entering my contest! You are a finalist!
Good
!!
Rian
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Almost epic....like a song
Your story makes me wish I could write worth a lick...or a promise......really good stuff......
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It seemed a little short, but that's okay. It caught my eye, and overall was really good. Great job!
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this was amazing. the beginning caught my eye. it was very climatic. carmen sounded as a real character. it has a good rhythm to it and it is full with discription. the title fits it exactly.
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I agree with the author "This is more a vignette than a full story" - It moves at a good pace, gives a good description of the events and lives up to its title.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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OMG! I LOVE THIS STORY! Lolz, I like how it's twisted and you actually say what happens rather then not really discribing the gross parts. Keep it UP!
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The beginning didn't catch my attention as much as I felt it should have for the title. But I'm glad I read it, because as always, tallblondie, you are an eduction in writing. The action was slightly hard to follow at first, I had to reread to make sure I knew what the position of the characters were.
But once the things that needed to be established had been more or less established, the writing, the action, was incredibly smooth. And incredibly vivid. I could feel the action, the heat, pratically feel and hear the heavier breathing.
I may have even heard background music, televison addict that I am.
In any case - I love how alive this piece felt. -
Awesome!!! it caught my attention, actually the title did. Anyways.. Its a great piece you're writting.. Keep posting!
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Great story!!! I really enjoyed it and the story took my attension from the very beginning!!
Well done
Hsmlover1 -
great story, i love how its a female killer instead of a male. You really showed how woman can have evil lurking in their hearts too and how woman can be just as sick and twisted as men.
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Woh, that is one twisted lady! xD
Nice writing, though sometimes it seems like you're trying to show off your vocabulary and use words that are just a little too much (eg P17). Of course, that's just a matter of taste.
I loved the comparison with music (starting in P10), that was very cool and original. Especially how the music seems to climax to the gushing blood at the end (though not explicitly mentioned, that's kinda what I imagined)
All in all a very good and twisted piece!
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Pretty horrible....
...but well written. I can't quite understand why this sort of thing sends some people into paroxysms of ecstasy, but I suppose it must have a market, so it would sell if aimed at the market. It's fairly well written, like I say, if a trifle hackneyed, and a touch too Freudian for my taste. I'm glad you use your talents on various other genres too; it's too good to be limited to this kind of stuff. -
Awesommeee
This was great! I loved how the story just jumped right into the climax, instead of sifting around the rising action and everything. And the details were awesome. You really put me into the scene. I didn't really feel connected to the characters for some reason, maybe that's how you can touch it up? or maybe it's just me. But really, great short story!
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Very clever. Grabbed my attention
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Yucky. But pretty damn good, I must admit! You captured the essence of a psychopath very well, and if you add on to this or make it a full-length story then you GOTTA send me the link
really good!
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This is actually my second time reading this short story, but I have to admit that it is just as good the second time around as it was the first. I knew ahead of time that I would not have spotted any errors, so I didn't bother to look for any.
I love the concept of a female killer and the bit about the victim being her twin sister was such a wicked twist. I would think it would be hard to kill your twin, since the two women would look alike. It would be almost like the main character was stabbing herself and watching herself die. I hope that made sense.
Anyways, this was a great read. The characterization and descriptions were superb. Thank you for entering this in my contest and good luck! -
I will be putting you down for a thriller category. Okay?
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OK
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Lol, AMAZING STORY!
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Oh my god!!
It gave me chills. -
Wonderful.
Just amazing. i commented on it again, and once I reread it, DO NOT change ANYTHING! Who cares if I'm 11? -
Before I read it, tell m what you used. Put it in the AN.
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I don't add contest notes to author's notes - but I am entering under the horror category AND the short story category with this story.
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I've actually already read this story before and I gave you three applauds last time because I really enjoyed it. I read it again because I wanted too and it was just as good the last time. Well done and good luck in my contest!
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Great story, it gave me goose bumps!
How evil is that to kill your own twin sister?!!! Cold blood! Great!!
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it was so creepy but thats why i loved it
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oh my god, i have read this before, you even joined my contest! i loved it. i even love it now! thank you so much for entering this and letting me read it again. i just read it twise.! good luck!
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scary
dude thats creepy but if i get past the scary its not badbeginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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I love how you do the quote thing at the beginning.
Oh my goodness, this is very visual. I'm totally engrossed.
You've created perfect evil in my opinion.
Very dark...but good. Great Job -
Immaculate structure. Your words just run like a stream and the narration was riveting! She is a very twisted thing. It made shudder at one point. Highly disturbing - so kudos!
My only criticism is in the lack of background. I wanted to know about the killer, her motive, what went behind her head, her self-justification, her history. So apart form the characterization, a very awesome story!
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that was great I always read stuff like that.u should continue
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Wow.
It really creeped me out.
Sadistic, dark, descriptive, chilling, horrifying, morbidly sickening and beautifully disturbing at the same time. Just my kind of story, I absolutely loved this! (No, I'm not some kind of twisted sicko)
But it was just amazingly done.
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wow very sadistic i also was a bit freaked out good job man keep writing
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Brilliant writing. This piece played out like something from a dark fantasy. The imagery was beautiful and I was astonished by how well written it was. If you have more writing like this, I'd love to read it.
Thanks for entering my contest,
~Felanor
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I was freaked out man!
This was disturbing... I have something I want to ask you:
If possible, can you change the naked pat to a clothed part when entering a contest an 11 year old is hosting?
I really don't mind, since I am VERY mature... (NOT!) But what if I was a boy? That wouldnt be good if I were 11. Just tink about it when enterig an 11 year old's contests with this story. Other then that...
AMAZING!!
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very very scared. midly disturbing. very good lol great job and snaps! keep writin
peace,
katts -
Wow, short and sweet, loved it. Nasty and disturbing too, sent a little bit of a chill down my spine lol great use of vocab, sentence stucture and imagery.
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Wowww
Oh my God, wow. Really creepy, and kind of nasty. That could so be a scary chain mail message, lols. I like the psychoness shown in this story, and the fact that it's not in lengthy paragraphs. Totally awesome. XD -
that was extremely good. um... it was quite scary but good
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 1, characters: 5.
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Wow that was highly disturbed in a Jack Ketchum kind of way. Really twisted there at the end. I never would have guess it to be Carmen's sister. That was cool.
Thanks for the entry
-Nate
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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please write a sequal to this, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Congrats. That's officially the most disturbing, horrific entry in this contest. I both praise and fear your imagination O.o I think I actually am going to have nightmares.
The especially eerie part was the thing about the victim being Carmen's sister.
Anyways, this is going to the finalists list.
Good luck!
~Kitty -
This chick is psycho...I loved it! I really like reading stories like these and you played it out really well. Good job, write more
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Interesting little intro - I love the way she listened to the symphony of pain. That is such a fantastic and chilling detail. She seems like a really great character, in the way that many serial killers are great characters. I kind of hope she plays an instrument - cello, maybe.
Anyways, I enjoyed this read quite a lot. It was disturbing, but written so beautifully.
* "She leant over the woman" - shouldn't it be leaned?
* Ooh, I like the twist of being a twin. There's a lot of lore about twins, often with one of them representing "good" and the other representing "evil." I like what you've done with it.
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WOW!
This really sent a shiver down my spine. After the first half a dozen lines, I could see where this story was heading, and must admit that I didn't want to continue, but it was so compelling that I just could not stop reading. I found it horrific, horrific because I found I was visualizing the actual happening. I could feel, through your words, the sheer agony of those scissors plunging into flesh, the blood spurting, life leaking away. The hopeless fear the girl must be feeling as her life slips away. I don't really think it could have more impact on the community. It is a well written story, with good word usage and obviously superb penmanship. Many thanks for sharing this gem.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I don't understand. Why did this woman kill her sister? Was it just insanity- and are we really supposed to sympathize with her? I dont- and im sorry if this makes others mad. If I side with the killer, its like I enjoy characters like Norman Bates or Ralph Fiennes characte from "Red Dragon." In other words, I love the style- beautifullyyyy written- but I simply hate the killer. And I thought it lacking in the background story of who these girls were- other then sisters. It did not supply a motive. Perhaps there doesnt need to be one- but i was not satisfied just the same.
beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 5, characters: 1.
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I love the syle of writing- so intricate and involved. Intelligent and provoking
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Hmmm. It seems I haven't commented on this yet. Better do so so people don't think I'm slacking off on my SAR commenting.
This was twisted. As you know. It's almost like the flip side of my short spur of the moment hits of inspiration. Mine morbidly funny, yours, morbidly sick.
Nice one. Short, to the point, and has you printed all over it. *cough* Style wise I mean. >.>
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Very Twisted. loved it, really liked the twist of it being her twin sister. great Job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Creeeeeeeeeeeeepy. Seriously. Very graphic, and all of that. For such a short piece, it definitely had me squirming so kudos for that. Yelch. I'm just going to go hide pairs of scissors around my house now, thanks. Haha.
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Oh my gosh that was so creepy. It was giving me chills. Freaking awesome write. I loved it. the detail was just amazing. and idk it just gave me thrills. and that was awesome to read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Ultra creepy!!!
The use of female as psycho killer gives a new dimansion to your story. the element of your story which i simply love is 'Discription'.. same in this story . you discribed her actions with so elegent words that whole story is moving in a form of picture in my mind...very bloody and gory job well done.
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WOW - now this is creepy. The sad thing is, there really are people out there that are this crazy. I did like the twist at the end where it was revealed that this was her twin. Perhaps there is an inside message here waiting to be explained.
This reminds me greatly of "The Bone Collector" by Jeffery Deaver. You should consider writing more in this genre! -
ooooo...I loved the reveal at the end that her victim was her twin. That was a great twist! There's a lot of potential with that, to go forward to more craziness. The music of pain and fear was an interesting counterpoint to the violence of her actions, too. Well done!
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HAAAAA! That was thrilling! Good job! I loved reading this!
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Her twin sister, eh? Damn, her sister must have really pissed her off. *laughs*
This is quite intense and detailed for being so short. You usually like to prolong the pain and suffering.
I hope you decide to continue it. If she would do that to her own sister, I can only imagine what she would do to someone she doesn't know or care about at all.
I noticed just one thing during the madness:
p18 - 'Dispassionately, Carmen took one of her blood-encrusted hands and pushed it down on the back on the woman’s head.'
'...on the back 'of' her head'
Interesting how she found the sound of flesh being pierced, accompanied by muffled groans of pain, to be music to her ears. She is one sick puppy. *nods*
I really enjoyed this, which is kind of scary. Your thought processes aren't contagious or anything, are they?
Greg
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Holy....wow. This is amazing. I love the detail in it, and I love how you show that true evil can lurk in unexpected places. Very nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
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cool story... but creeped me out. lol
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weird but good
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creepy, chilling a great thriller and I love thrillers. This is awesome
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Andy said you just killed guys! Glad to see you're actually an equal opportunity killer. Graphic and blood chilling. I enjoyed this very much.
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To say this was a spine tingler would be an understatement (I don't even know if there's such a word as tingler).
Graphic in detail and alive with action, this little piece held me from start to surprising finish. I'm glad I don't have a twin.
And to think, I get scared everytime I see your avatar...
A brief, but wonderful write.
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This is was slightly..Disturbing...But I loved how you detailed it. It sent chills up my spine, but this is my kind of story. Bloody and disturbing.
The part I liked the most was when she stabbed her victim's throat. Much details provided and I loved how you explained the spirit leaving and the blood spurting everywhere.
I do hope you continue this somehow, because I will definitely read it.
Good job! =]
--Becky.
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disturbing
i was in the fetal position rocking back and for as i read this
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I had to skip down, the line where she cut her throat, as it freaked me out. This was amazing. You're stories are great. I need to read more of your work.
Great piecem it was disturbing, but simply amazing -
UH. MAY. ZING.
This is amazing. Unquestionably Stunning. I love it! I want more!!!
http://www.socialvibe.com/towriteloveonherarms?r=614485&rs=spread_4
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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OH MY GOD. What a, um, disturbing talent you have, to write from such a perspective. I DO have a twin sister, and this is an amazing piece of writing, it very much shocked me and made me upset to think of MY sister upstairs .
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Very disturbing and graphic
Reads like an insight into the mind of a perverted serial killer.
Very real and very uncomfortable reading.
Powerful.
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mfkhglzmesrkgl
ve nice
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This is one of the best stories I've read here! I love the detailing you put into explaining the scissors being jabbed into the woman! And the ending was... just amazing. I really wish I could write as well as you!
beginning: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5.
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A great Plot, and good descriptions. You have a good dark story here and I hope you will do good in those contests. This somewhat seems like an Edgar Allen Poe story, but just add the gore and blood. Nice twist at the end. And I found No grammar and spelling mistakes, It is basically a perfect masterpiece story. But, I hope you will continue this in someway.
Great Job!!!
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Hopefully you don't have a twin sister--just kidding.I was goo.I liked it very much. Good opening and the middle and that twist in the end--believe me I have felt like Carmen,isiters can be a real pain in the butt--but fortunately for me,I am not a killer--I only kill other people's dreams...not their reality,life will take care of that. I am trolling the site and have read just about everything that I have found interesting and decided why not read something from the featured section,it can't hurt and might even help,me get some ideas. Kudos to you for a good read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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the whole time i read i could imagine the entire thing happening and it kinda freaked me out. i love the way you write, how you dont use simple words but other ways of expressing eg imagery and blah. as expected from you(:
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Ha, the only disappointing thing about this story is that it didn't continue .... my stomach thinks its a good thing, but I kinda wanted to see where you'd go with this.
Great write. (Duh.)
RJ
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Very good
and very chilling and yes would be a good part to a story and thanks it was a good read. -
Very good story. From the moment I started I knew I had to finish reading it. Superb.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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This was absolutely delicious. *_*
Twin sister, huh... nice twist at the end, there.
Good luck in the contests!
~Sparrow
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Jack ketchum Has Nothing On You!
This was highly disturbed. The twist of the torture victim being her twin-sister, was brilliant. I loved the way you described the torture, the feelings, the sound, the feel. This was a masterpiece.
-Chantale
Thanks for reading the rules and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
P.S. Welcome to the finalist's list.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Sorry it diserves more of an applaud then i gave you
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I forgot to rate it here u go (well can't using the websites options) But lets just say on a scale of 1-10 its more like 0.... PLUS 11! U didn't really think i would put 0 did you! How could i it's brilliant.
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How morbidly fun. You too can unleash the inner demon! Simply order Ronco's Human Shears! On sale now.
That's RONCO! The brand you trust most for all your butchering purposes.
Another great write. Keeping up with your standard of making me look over my shoulder every once in a while.
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I wish i could write like you, you put the brilliancy in every word above...
good work..i got drawn into the story
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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OMG i was like on the edge of my seat. Sorry got a bit lost in the moment lol.
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Wow! You really captured a lot of action in a few words with this piece. I love the whole of it. It has such a dark, deliciously horrific feel to it. I caught myself flinching a couple of times. I love the way you instilled the images, a piece at a time. Rather like a large blood engorged puzzle. The victim being her sister was an inspired twist. As always brilliant job!
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