Sticks and stones may break my bones but nasty words will starve me:

“Look at you,” I whisper to my reflection “Fat, ugly, crazy, stupid, worthless, crazy.” 1

I continued to stare at my naked reflection; I pinched my breast – worthless useless fat. I looked back at my reflection and she was crying.2

“Why are you crying? You freak, why do you always need someone to be there for you? What’s wrong with being alone? Those kids don’t like you and don’t ever kid yourself that they do.” I whispered harshly pinching harder. “They will never accept you, you’re fat and ugly.”3

I let go of my breast and wiped my tears. 4

*5

The doctor said it was bizarre.  What was so bizarre about it? I wanted a perfect body no extras.  I wanted to lie down and feel my bones through me skin. I wanted control. There was one thing I learned from the bullying – never let them see you cry, never let them see that you haven’t go control and I have control. 6

My mother of course cried.7

“Why are you doing this Jess?” she yelled when we got home. “Do you really want to die?”8

I wasn’t going to die, I wasn’t.9

“They’ll put you in hospital if you don’t eat.” She pleaded.10

I was too shocked to see the sadness in my mother’s eyes, put me in hospital? They couldn’t do that, they couldn’t, they’d make me fat. My stomach would blow up, my arms would be larger and fat would be dripping off every inch of my body. They couldn’t put me in hospital I wouldn’t let them.11

“Jess please, let me make you something to eat.” My mum said.12

I felt to numb to answer. She could make it but I wouldn’t eat it, just like I wouldn’t go to hospital. I wasn’t sick and I wasn’t hungry.  Well that was a lie I was hungry all the time. But feeding my hunger meant having to feed it again and I couldn’t do that. Then I would lose control of everything I worked so hard to get. I got up and went to my room and lay on the bed. I ran my fingers down the sides of my stomach and I could feel it, each and every bone in its right place. 1, 2, 3…4 no, it was still covered in fat. I had to get rid of it. I fingered the other side of my stomach and saw that hair was beginning to appear on my stomach. It felt so warm and smooth, I rubbed it and it was nice and sleek. Who needed fat when I had the hair to keep me warm; it was so soft and delicate.13

I don’t know how long I was asleep for before I heard my mum call me14

“Jess… dinner!” 15

The feeling of nausea swept me. Dinner, food, fat. I got up and went to the dining room.16

“Have you been sleeping?” my mother asked.17

“Yes,” I replied not looking at her but directly at my food, potatoes smothered in butter, chicken plastered with gravy and vegetables. Already I felt sick. I sat down; I couldn’t eat all of that I just couldn’t. I would eat only a little, half a little potato, no quarter of a potato, no no potato at all. The butter slithered down it and I could tell how many calories were init. I couldn’t eat the chicken either, the gravy steamed off it and I could see it glistening under the light. I would eat five of the peas and one brussel sprout.18

My mum and I sat in silence while we ate. When I finished my five peas and one brussel sprout I put down my fork, my mother looked at me.19

“You can’t just eat that.” She said.20

I picked up my knife and fork again and began to divide the food.21

“Eat your food Jesse.” My mother said22

“I am.”23

“No you’re just moving it around, eat it.” My mother said.24

“I can’t eat it.” I mumbled.25

“Jesse I am sick with this game eat the fucking food.” My mother shouted.26

I quickly gobbled down all the food. I could feel my stomach churning and I just wanted the food out, I wanted to be clean again.27

“Excuse me.” I mumbled and got up. I went straight to the bathroom. I stuck my fingers down my throat three times before I heaved. I brushed my teeth after that and when back to my room.28

*29

My t-shirt was sticking to my back but I was still cold. I walked briskly through the park, it was a hot day and I was on my way to see my psychiatrist. As I walked along I could see little children playing and girls sunbathing. The girls that were sunbathing had such perfect bodies, but I would be skinnier than them, I would beat them all to the race. I would be the perfect size 6 I would be the prettiest out of all of them. Two girls walked by me licking and ice lolly, the sun glistened of it and it made me hungry. If I bought it I could only have 5 licks before I threw it away. No 4, no 2, no I couldn’t have any at all. I walked faster to get away from all the girls, but everywhere I looked there was food. People selling burgers or hot dogs. I stopped at one of the carts and looked at the menu. A burger with ketchup, I could have a quarter, no a quarter was far too much, how many billion zillion calories did that contain? I moved onto the next stall. I could have a hotdog. No too many calories in that as well, suddenly all these stalls were screaming at me and I was screaming back at them.30

“Hey are you alright love?” A fat man at one of the stalls asked.31

I ran and I ran as fast as I could, I knocked people out of my way and ran out of the park. My hunger was blinded by anger and I nearly collided with a car.32

“Watch out you crazy girl!” the driver screamed.33

I kept on running, how could I allow myself to even walk through the park with so many temptations?  No this time I was walking the long way round and I was walking it twice as fast, as a punishment for being tempted.34