Who Am I? ( Chapter 9 )

“Looks like you need a ride?” A male voice said. I looked around to see Luca standing there.1

“How long have you been there for?” I asked.2

“Not long enough to hear you mumbling to yourself. Do you want a ride?” 3

“Nah Julie will be here in half an hour or so. I’ll wait.” 4

“Get up, I’ll take you home.” He said.5

“Really Luca. It’s okay. I don’t want you going out of your way for me. It‘s giving me time to think anyways.” I said trying to stand my ground.6

“Well you can do that in your room at home. Come on.” He said and lifted me to my feet.7

“Well Okay. I don’t have a choice now do I?” 8

“No so come on.” He smiled. What was that? He actually smiled at me? Did that mean we were friends again? I followed him to his car, he opened the door for me.  The trip home was full of awkward silence. I gave up trying to make conversation about two minutes into it. I guess we were not friends again. 9

Things had never felt weird between Luca and I but they did now. I wanted to know what he was thinking but at the same time I didn’t want to start a fight by making him talk. 10

“There you go.” He said pulling over outside of my house.11

“Thanks Luca. Do you want to come inside? I could really use…” 12

“No thanks I have places to be.” He said cutting me off.13

“Please?” I cried reaching over and trying to give him a hug, he held me momentarily and pushed me away.14

“Look, just because I gave you a ride doesn’t mean we are friends!” He said firmly. 15

“Okay.” I sighed and jumped out of the car. I started walking inside.16

“Hayleigh.” He called out behind me.17

“Yeah?” I exclaimed spinning around.18

“Don’t let them get to you. You look beautiful today.” He smiled and drove off.19

I stood there holding my folder to my chest and watched him disappear around the corner. I slowly turned around looking at the house. With everything that had gone on that day I forgot what I was coming home to.  I didn’t want to go inside but I didn’t have any other options.20

I tried to get up to my room before they spotted me, but it was to late.21

“Hayleigh.” Mum started half expecting me to run. It was time to face it, I couldn’t run away from things forever. 22

“Yes?” I replied.23

“Honey…I…I…have something for you, come sit down.” She said leading me into the kitchen. I sat down on the breakfast bar.24

She handed me a box it looked gift wrapped. 25

“Buying me stuff isn’t going to fix this!” I said and pushed it back towards her.26

“It’s not a gift, look inside.” She said pushing it back to me. I opened the lid of it. I was shocked by what was inside of it.27

“Is this?” I asked. 28

“Yeah it’s um…the things that were left with you, the day we found you.” She said I could see tears swelling in her eyes. I felt them trickle down my face before I even realised I was crying. 29

“How could  you do this to me Mum! How! How could you both lie to me?” I cried.30

“Sweetie listen, we never wanted you to find out this way. I never meant to hurt you. We did this to protect you.”31

“Protect me? Protect me from what?”32

“From all of this, from all the pain you are feeling right now. We were going to sit down when you turned 18 and explain it all.”33

“How would that have made it any better? I have been living a lie for 16 years!”34

“Hayleigh, it has not been a lie! We are still your family. You are still my little girl, Nothing has changed.”35

“I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel! I am so confused Mum! Things feel so different!” I cried.36

“No they are not! You are still the girl I raised, the one I loved, the one I changed nappies and taught to talk and walk…” She sobbed.37

“I love you Mum. I’m just…so…confused.”  I said and broke into sobs.38

“Come here sweet heart.” Mum said rushing over and taking me in her arms. 39

She was right, nothing had changed. A hug from here still felt the same, it felt so good to be in her arms again. I had been holding my emotions in, I hadn’t dealt with anything, I had been trying so hard to run away from it all. I cried in her arms for what felt like hours, I didn’t think I was going to be able to stop. Mum held me all that time, she didn’t once try to let go of me. 40

How did I go from having it all to nothing in just two weeks? I had been so wrong about everything. Luca, all of my friends and life in general. I couldn’t be angry anymore at the people that had given me such a good start in life. I was lucky really. I could have ended up with horrible parents or in some orphanage, I had a lot to be grateful for. 41

I just had to start looking at the positive things in my life, rather than the negatives.42

“I’m going to go to my room, and look at this stuff.” I said pulling away from Mum, she wiped the tears from my swollen eyes.43

“Is everything okay?” She asked.44

“No…But I will be okay…Mum.” 45

It hurt that calling her Mum suddenly felt a little strange. I picked the box up off the bench and walked up to my room. After making myself comfortable on my bed I opened the box, I was a little nervous, not sure of what I was about to find.  I knew everything that I found out was true, but in the back of my mind there was still apart of me that wanted to pretend like it wasn’t. I knew that once I looked at the contents of the box, that it would be 100% reality. It took me so long to open it.46

I unfolded a dirty piece of paper inside the box, which read;47

Dear Mr and Mrs Saunders,48

I am so sorry to do this to you. I need you to do something for me. I know that this is a huge ask but you are the only one I can turn to and trust. I need you to raise Hayleigh for me. I can’t do it on my own and as much as this is killing me I have to give her up. I don’t want to give her to just anyone, I want her to grow up in a loving family. 49

I want you to be her mother Suzanne,  I want you to be her father William. She is so important to me but I have nothing to offer her, I don’t have a job, Matt took off the minute he found out I was pregnant and if my parents found out about this they would send her away. 50

They are coming back from overseas as you know, and if they ever found out I was pregnant they would disown me. So I am leaving my precious little angel in your care, I hope that you will keep her and not give her away like I am. Please don’t go to my parents about this, they think that I am going to live with my Aunt, but I am leaving this place for good, I will not be back.51

Love Always Charlene xxx ooo52

So my name was Hayleigh, at least I didn’t have to change that. My birth certificate was in the box along with a few other little things. It was just all to much for me, I sat there looking through all the pieces of the puzzle that was my life but I felt like it just wasn’t. I started pinching myself in hopes of waking myself up and realising it was all one horrible dream. 53

I pinched myself harder and harder, my emotions were building higher and higher, I felt like a kettle that would explode any second. I tried to calm myself down, I tried to think clearly and breathe but the next thing I knew I lost control. I dived up and started tearing my room apart and screaming in a fit of rage.54

“WHY?” I bellowed picking up my spirit stick and smashing my mirror and room, porcelain dolls to smithereens. I tore each doll of its perfect pedestal and smashed it to the floor. I destroyed everything I ever cared about in my room. 55

All I wanted was for someone to take me into their arms and tell me it was okay. I needed to be lied to again. My first 16 years were a lie so why couldn’t I just go on pretending? Why couldn’t I stay a little girl forever? There was a knock on my door, it was Julie. I looked at her, she looked at me, I could tell that she was upset. Mum must have informed her. We ran at each other with open arms and burst into tears, she held me tight as we dropped to our knees. I had been so completely selfish thinking that this would only affect me. How could I be so stupid?  This wasn’t just about me. It was about the whole family. 56

“You’re still my little sister Hales.” She cried. “Nothing will ever change that.” She added.57

“I know Julie.” I sobbed.58

“It’s Okay, calm down, we both need to stop crying.” She said pulling away from me.  “You’re room is a mess.” She smiled.59

“I got a bit cranky.” I said and smiled back, that felt nice. To smile again.60

She always used to tease me because my room was always so clean and organised.61

“Everything is going to be okay. I still love you no matter what. You drive me crazy with the way you are and how you act, but nothing will ever change the fact that you are my sister. It takes more than blood and a piece of paper to be a family.” She smiled.62

“It just hurts, I have always felt like apart of this family. But because of all the perfect ness I created dramas so I could feel like an outsider. Now I’m not only an outsider, I am an intruder!”63

“Don’t say that Hales! That is so far from the truth! Look what you have! Mum and Dad have given you everything, they love you, they don’t see you as being adopted.”64

“You’re right….you’re right.” I said and stuck my tongue out at her.65

“Well there can’t be two genius’s in the family. I am always right. I am the brains and you are the beauty.” She teased. It didn’t feel different to what it used to. 66

“Oh really! Well let’s see how attractive your brain would look in a swimsuit on a catwalk.” I laughed.67

“Catwalk eww. Hmmm. Let’s see if I can talk like you for a minute…” She said taking a breath. She twirled her hair in her fingers, walked around rolling her eyes and flipping her head and said.68

“I so like, you know, wouldn’t be caught dead on like a catwalk, you know. He he he.”69

I started cracking up laughing, she had me rolling around on the floor, it felt good to be laughing again. 70

I had always seen Julie as being perfect. She was so smart and I thought she had no time for me. I thought she didn’t care about me, I was wrong, it was the other way round, I was to caught up in myself to notice she wanted to spend time with me. 71

“I’m gonna like go check on Mum, she might like you know need help with like that big shiny oven thing.” She laughed.72

“I so don’t talk like that!” I smiled getting off the floor.73

“You like totally do.” She teased.74

“Yeah well…..ner!” I laughed.75

“I’ll see you at dinner. I love you Hayleigh.” She said with a serious face.76

“I love you too.” I replied as she walked out. 77

I don’t know whether it was my tantrum or my talk with Julie but I felt a lot better. I knew deep down that although things were different, it didn’t mean that it had to be a bad thing. Life cannot stay the same forever, sooner or later, they have to change. At the end of it all I would be a stronger person.  I looked around at my room, it was a disaster, almost everything was broken. I felt a bit sad looking at all my broken dolls on the floor, but I was to old to be collecting and playing with dolls anyway.78

It became clear to me at that moment, that I needed to grow up. I had to start facing my problems head- on, I couldn’t keep running away and acting the way I did every time something didn’t go my way.  I couldn’t cry and blame everyone else for my problems anymore. I wanted to be back in control of my life, I was never one to sit on the back seat. If I ever wanted peace of mind, I would just have to grow up and deal with it.79

“This is great Mum, thank you.” I smiled taking a mouthful of my pork roast she had spent hours preparing. She was a great chef, and even though we had hired help, she would always cook dinner.80

“You’re welcome.” She said cautiously.81

“How was work Dad?” I asked as I ate. They gave each other a nervous look. I could tell that they were worried I might explode at any moment. 82

“It was good Hun, we landed another big deal today.” He said.83

“Oh you mean the one you have been working on for months?” 84

“You know about that?” He smiled giving me an odd look.85

“Duh! You talk about it every night, Olympic Media right?” 86

“Right…As you know they are growing to be the worlds biggest communications branch. It was a lot of hard work but I landed them today. A huge 70 million dollar contract.”87

“Wow, so will you benefit from it?”88

“Oh yes dear, the rewards will be extremely beneficial. I didn’t realise you took notice of my work.” 89

“Of course I do Daddy.” I smiled.90

“How was school?”91

“Different, I am thinking about quitting the squad.”  I informed. He dropped his fork.92

“You are? Why?” Mum asked smiling at Dad.93

“I’m not exactly in the cheer spirit at the moment. I am thinking about taking some time away from school completely.”94

“What for?” Dad asked.95

I swallowed hard, this was something that would be hard for me to tell them both.96

“I love you both. I am so sorry for how I acted when I found out about…”97

“You have nothing to be sorry for Hun.” Mum started.98

“Please let me finish. I was so angry and hurt, it crushed me. But I have realised it hasn’t changed anything. I am still your daughter, and I still love you both so much. I have so much to be grateful for, you have both given me everything. I’ve never had to do anything for myself.” I said. Mum’s eyes filled with tears, I knew that she knew what I was about to say.99

“It’s time that I grow up, it’s time I start to do things for myself. I do not know who I am anymore. I need to find who I am. I think that it will help if I find my parents, I need to find them. It’s not that I don’t love this family. I’m not trying to hurt you, but I need to do this for myself.”100

It killed me seeing the look of devastation in their eyes, I didn’t want to hurt them. I was tired of hurting people. 101

“We knew that one day it would come to this, we were not planning on it being so soon, but we were prepared honey. We will do anything you want to help you find Charlene.” Dad said.102

“I don’t want help, this is something I want to do by myself. All I need is a clue, a start and I will work the rest out on my own.”103

“Okay. Her parent’s lived on the other side of town, you know Molson’s Boulevard? I am not sure if they are still there, I never knew them that well. Charlene was here a lot, her mother was horrible to her, she used to come and I would read to her, and she would help me cook and paint and things like that.” Mum said.104

“Thanks, I will check it out tomorrow. Thank you for dinner.” I replied.105

“You’re welcome.” Mum sighed. “Excuse me, I’m going to my room, I don’t feel much like eating.” She added walking away.106

“I’m going to freshen up and sleep in the guesthouse, my room is a mess.” I said.107

“I’ll have Jana clean it in the morning.” Dad offered.108

“Thanks dad. Goodnight everyone.” I said.109