"I can't take it," she screams, "I can't take this any more!!" She leaves the comfort of her own bedroom and it's like everyone is out to get her. Her mom walks past her in the hall way and asks, "Dear, why are you so angry?" That comment right here pisses her off even more so she scream at her. "Mom leave me alone OK, I'm angry because I can't do anything in this house." She continues yelling at her while her mom stares her down, "I can't take this. I'm going to end this tonight!!". Her mom gets a worried look on her face as she runs to the bathroom and locks the door. "I know it's here, I know it." She looks in the cabinet for a razor or something sharp. "Maria, please don't do this Hun, please I'm begging you," her mom says crying on the other side of the door. "Mom shut up, you don't know what I'm doing so leave me alone!!!" Maria screams. She finally found what she was looking for and she sits on the floor and starts cutting. At first Maria doesn't cut to deep then all hell breaks loose and she cuts down to her bone. "This is what I needed," she says, "this is my release, except I want to die." Her mom is panicking while she gets the phone and holds it close. "Maria? Maria? MARIA???" her mom screams through the door. It's to late for her mom to call anyone. Maria cut her arm so deep that she bled to death. Her mom calls the ambulance and they come in. "Ma'am, I'm sorry but your daughter is dead." Maria's mom breaks down crying holding her precious child. "Why baby, Why did you have to do this??" her mom sits there holding Maria crying. The next day she finds a letter in Maria's room saying, 1
"Mom I know you might not understand why I did this but I couldn't take it anymore. I was never allowed to do anything, I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't be me. I Love you and I always will but you chose your boyfriend over me, or you chose something else over me. All the signs were there but you ignored them. Don't blame yourself, It's no ones fault. I love you please don't be mad at me. Bye mom"2
Author notes
ok this is my 1st story and im pissed so this describes it sorta.....its not finished to me but if u think it is ok..well i hope you like it.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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OMG! I love this..but then it kind of worries me...I never want to cut that deep...bleeding out is not the way I plan on dying....Overdose is more my style....lol...wellz ttyl! Great write, keep up the good work!
~Ashley -
i really like that ending damn why couldnt i think of it that way good job.
gah that ones really sad but thanks for the advice...bye
~*~*~Kristen~*~*~ -
I usually don't like the present tense type of writing, but this sucked me right in.
I thought the way that the paramedic told the mother Maria was dead was a bit unrealistic. Paramedics, I think, are compassionate and empathetic. This one seemed hard and distant.
And there was one point...
"Her mom gets a worried look on her face as she runs to the bathroom and locks the door." This makes it seem like Maria's mother is running into the bathroom.
I think that you coudl have built up more suspence about the death too.
"Her mom is panicking while she gets the phone and holds it close. "Maria? Maria? MARIA???" her mom screams through the door. It's to late for her mom to call anyone. Maria cut her arm so deep that she
bled to death. Her mom calls the ambulance and they come in. "Ma'am, I'm sorry but your daughter is dead." Maria's mom breaks down crying holding her precious child."
I would have written the above section a bit differently. I tried rewriting it...
Her mother is thrown into a deep panic and grabs the phone, violently pressing the buttons. "Maria! Maria? MARIA??" She screams through the door, pounding ruthlessly, with tears streaming down her face.
The door breaks open.
It's too late. Maria knew how to cut herself.
"Maria!" The deceased teen's mother dropped to her side, landing in a red puddle. She was blubbering so hard she shook. "MARIA!"
"I'm sorry Ma'am. There is nothing any of us can do." The gentle voice of a paramedic said, attempting to pick her up from the soiled tiles. "Please, come with me and we'll get you cleaned up."
"NO!" She screamed, her voice hoarse, "My BABY! MARIA!!!!" She sobbed.
I think that I may have overdone it.
Anyway, that's just what I think
Good write anyway.
I hope that you don't...want to kill yourself... -
Full of Authenticity
Do you feel better getting that out, becuase it must have hurt to have it inside/ Like a Nickelback song I heard 2 years ago. Wow, everything you said at the end, is what should be said at the beginning when "Her mom ...asks, "Dear, why are you so angry?" and then there could be some healing. But sometimes, taking destructive action to spite someone is easier than talking. Good Luck.
Edited on Jul 25, 8:06 because 'tmi'.
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