Normal

Sometimes I think of death, of dying. Sometimes I picture different ways in which I die. For example what would be worse freezing to death or being burned to death. Most people would pick a firery death I think. Most believe that it would be quicker and your thoughts concentrated on the pain. For me freezing to death sounds more ..... poetic. Being alone with your thoughts as you slowly lose everything that makes you human. The desperation that must rush through your head as you cling to hope of survival or maybe regrets in your life. If your burning you tend to think death immediately. Whereas with freezing you have all the time to ponder every alternative. That is real pain. Pain is the what if? The possibilities and the reflection. I would rather have that then wasting my last moments of thought on the painful fire that is melting off my skin... yeah freeze rather then burn. (Laughs ) Take that Robert Frost.1

(soft now and wary) You know... When you asked me if I ever had suicidal thoughts and I said no. I wanna explain because in truth I dont. I dont think of suicide. I think of death. I think of pain. But I do consider suicide because it is a type of death. and because sometimes I have wanted to die. So naturally my thoughts go to suicide. (sarcastic) Because when you want to die it is too much to hope for someone to break into your home and murder you from several knife wounds or for a car accident to snap your neck and end your life. I certainly wasnt going to wait in dark alleys for a mugger. (serious again) So yeah I thought about suicide. But I find no excitement in suicide and definitely no .. whats the word... story. If I killed myself, it would only be said that I didnt enjoy living, that I was depressed or unhappy. It would be allowing others to give the simple diagnosis of depression. When really its more complicated. My life and my death. I wonder if you can kill yourself without being depressed. Its hard to picture someone laughing as they grab the toaster to hug in their bathtime. Or someone whistling a happy tune as they slit their wrists. So I suppose you have to be unhappy then to kill yourself.2

I never thought of myself as unhappy before... Maybe I am...... Definitely Morbid...... Definitely a Freak... But unhappy? I dont think so? (ponders this) I have often taken joy out of life, more through the relationships I have and had. I dare say that the people I love continue to amaze me, like they never get old I mean in age of course they do but what I mean is they never bore me. And still I think of my death almost every day.3

...4

This must be easy for you isnt it?.....To diagnose me and slap an insane label on my forehead?5

I wish you would show me what you've written. I always wanted to know who I am. Of course a complete stranger has the right to tell me that eh? Because you've had four years in some fancy school and been granted a doctorate it means you can tell me who I am right? I don't mean to be snarky it's just my nature. But honestly death is fascinating and my obssession with it does not endorse insanity. At least not in my opinion. Ahh but again if I were crazy I wouldn't know it right? Guess so! Youre right Doc, but please lets skip the formality bull shit and just strap the straight jacket on me already mkay? I knew before I came in here that the truth would condemn me to a mental ward. And all because of a requested evaluation. If only I had pretended to be normal.6

well... your definition of normal.