The Jack Nicholson Fan Club

Around six o’clock Mare began the dinner preparations. Sly had yet again been relegated to grill duty in a direct challenge to his feigned inability to cook things properly. Jim sauntered into the kitchen, already full with the knowledge that he was in one of those peculiar moods humans sometimes get into. The type of mood that causes awkward thoughts, normally subconscious, to not only appear in the front of one’s mind, but also to force themselves out of one’s mouth with irresistible fervor. The type of mood that tends to aptly precede only the most bizarre sorts of goings on.1

Jim looked down over Mare’s shoulder and into the bowl, over which she chopped a hitherto unknown vegetable, and shuddered.2

“What…what is that red and green crap all over the sala--oh, come on, olives? Tomatoes? Really?”3

“There’s nothing wrong with olives and tomatoes,” said Mare, “Especially in a salad. You know it, I know it, that poor retarded kid who delivers the magazines probably knows it.”4

“I know nothing of the kind. In fact, the entire family loves this garbage, and you’re all crazy for it. I’m the only damn person in this damn family who has sense enough not to eat food that tastes bad. Christ, look at this salad. Covered in culinary filth.”5

“You didn’t have ‘sense enough’ not to eat that burnt steak you got served two nights ago…”6

“That’s totally different.”7

“How is it different?”8

“That was a meat. A cow meat. A delicious cow meat, actually. A perfectly good food stuff prepared poorly. Its taste was due to an error on the part of the chef, not any inherent quality of its own. Now, tomatoes on the other hand, there’s a shit-festival for the taste buds if I ever saw one. Doesn’t matter how you prepare them, they’re irreparably terrible.”9

“You like tomato sauce…10

“Which is also totally different.”11

“It tastes the same; it’s made almost entirely of tomatoes.”12

“The same? That’s like saying apple sauce tastes like apples.”13

“Doesn’t it?”14

“Does the Pope shit in the woods? No, in point of fact he doesn’t. Sit yourself down one day with an apple and a bowl of apple sauce. Take a bite of the apple and then a spoonful of the sauce. You’ll see. Same way with tomatoes. Tomato sauce has all those other ingredients in it.”15

“So does salad.”16

Jim sighed heavily before continuing.17

“No, listen, the chunks are too big. You may as well eat a tomato whole. In the sauce it’s all mashed. The other ingredients are too. The tomato is irreversibly infused with and into the other ingredients. Entwined so to speak. The taste is completely transformed.”18

“Apple sauce doesn’t even have other ingredients. It’s just apples. Maybe water, which they already have, and a little sugar, which they already have. Mashing doesn’t have that much of an effect, either.”19

“Eat them together and try, I dare you to even just try, to tell me that they taste the same… ‘mashing doesn’t have that much of an effect’," Jim snorted with disbelief, "Go mash your car’s tires and see if they work the same.”20

“You go mash my car’s tires and see if it tastes different that way. That’s not even remotely similar to what we’re talking about.”21

“It’s the same principle.”22

“And what principle is that?”23

“The principle of you not putting tomatoes and olives in my salad.”24

“Oh for fuck’s sake…I’ll give you your own bowl and pick them out for you. Just shut up about it.”25

“Thanks sweetie, I knew I could count on you.”26

Jim smiled and kissed his wife on the cheek, putting his arms around her from behind and swaying with her as if music filled the kitchen air. Mare turned and kissed him briefly on the lips before returning to the salad.27

“What kind of dressing do you want?” Mare asked.28

“I don’t know. No, wait, scratch that. I don’t care.”29

“Thousand Island,” said Mare.30

“Except not Thousand Island.”31

“I’ll put oil and vinegar on your salad.”32

“Fair enough.”33

“I’ll have to separate it now though, can you hand me a bowl?”34

“Well, I was abou—“35

“Hand me a bowl.”36

“Alrighty."37

Jim handed her a bowl and sat down at the kitchen table. He looked around for a moment, forgetting what he was doing. Then he stood back up and walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. About ten seconds later, as Mare finished dressing the salad, Jim walked back in and sat down at the table again. Mare turned around, not all that surprised.38

“What are you doing honey?”39

“I don’t know, I can’t remember. But I feel like this is where I forgot in the first place, so if I sit here long enough it should come to me.”40

“Well do you need to actually sit at the table or just be near it?”41

“I suppose near it will do just fine.”42

“Good. Put out the plates and silverware.”43

Jim looked mildly taken aback for a moment before answering.44

“Oh, now I remember, I was going to go in the living room.”45

At that point Sly walked in, a plate full of black, shriveled hamburgers balanced on the fingertips of his right hand. He set the plate down on the counter.46

“I don’t know why you guys insist that I cook so often. I obviously don’t know how to,” he said.47

“Well,” Jim began, “you do well enough when you cook for yourself home alone; we figure you’ll pick up the whole ‘cook for others’ thing eventually. Practice makes perfect son. Oh, by the way, your mother wants you to set the table.”48

With that Jim got up and walked into the living room again, taking a seat on the hard maroon antique sofa that only he found comfortable. He picked up the TV remote and pushed the power button. Nothing happened. He was about to try again when the black rotary phone on the side-table next to him rang loudly.49

“If you insist…” he thought to himself as he reached for the receiver.50

Jim picked up the phone and held it to his ear, wondering at the odd whirring and clicking sounds emanating from the ear piece. 51

“Hello?” he said, puzzled.52

“Hello, is this the Jack Nicholson fan club?” asked a female voice.53

“Uhh, I suppose it might be from time to time…who is this?”54

Jim thought he heard a voice in the background, and could have sworn he distinctly heard the phrase “correct code” whispered with a rather questioning inflection, followed by a gruff affirmation from somewhere far away from the other phone.55

The female voice came back.56

“Umm, okay. S-so, do, uhh, do you want to meet up somewhere?”57

“Is this some sort of weird, post-modern prostitution sting or something?”58

“Excuse me?”59

“Gladly.”60

Jim quickly hung up the phone. He had actually been enjoying the conversation, but had found himself speechless toward the end and thought better of continuing. 61

Mare walked into the room.62

“Who was that?” she said.63

“I’m not really sure. Some woman looking for a Jack Nicholson fan club asked to meet up with me.”64

“So when’s the hot date?”65

“I’m not sure of that either, but I’m debating calling back to find out. That was too weird to just let go.”66

Jim laughed softly to himself.67

“Well, dinner’s ready, so come eat,” said Mare.68

Jim followed her into the kitchen where Sly was already eating a ham sandwich. Mare sat down, her back to the sliding glass door that looked out over the dark lawn. In front of her lay a plate with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich nestled cozily in a cradle of potato chips. Jim went to the silverware drawer and pulled out a knife. He walked over to the table and took the sandwich out of Mare’s hands just as she was about to take a bite. He took it to the counter and removed the crust, in some places taking a little more than necessary off, so that the sandwich ended up in the shape of a heart. He ate the scraps and handed it back to his wife, who smiled bemusedly, but touched. 69

Jim returned to the counter and began dressing a hamburger. He added a slice of Longhorn Colby cheese, topped by two dill pickle slices, a thin cross-section of onion, and two large leaves of lettuce. He folded the de-seeded sesame roll over the top and squeezed slightly, cementing the sandwich together.70

Jim brought the sandwich back to the table on a plate and pulled a chair closer to his wife. He sat down and began sampling her large pile of chips, meeting with no resistance. 71


After dinner Jim offered to do the dishes, and as he collected the plates from the table Sly got up and began to walk toward the family room at the back of the house.72

“Whatcha gonna do back there bud?”73

“Guitar,” Sly said over his shoulder.74

“At eight o’clock? Kinda late don’t you think?”75

“No.”76

“Is your homework done?”77

Sly stopped walking and turned to look at his father.78

“That's what I thought,” said Jim. “You can play for half an hour, but then get to work, alright?”79

“Okay.”80

Sly disappeared into the dark family room, shutting the door behind him. A light appeared around the edges of the door, and Jim turned to look at his wife.81

Mare still sat at the table, now smoking a cigarette and blowing the smoke out of the open sliding glass door while filling out a crossword puzzle in pen. 82

“Want a pencil, babe?”83

“Attached directly to the base; not having an intervening stalk. Seven letters.”84

“Uhhh…sessile?”85

“That’ll work.”86

Jim twisted the faucet's knob and waited for the water to heat up.87

“I know I’ve pointed this out before, but we do have a dishwasher, hon,” Mare said.88

“I know I’ve pointed this out before, love, but dishwashers lack character.”89

Jim put his hand into the stream issuing forth from the faucet.90

“Damn that’s hot.”91

“Mhmm, that’s what the ‘h’ means.”92

“Huh, I always thought it stood for ‘hell, burning your hand is better than talking to your nagging shrew of a wife after dinner’. Something new every day…”93

“Aww, that’s sweet, you thought it was something about me.”94

“I’m here to love, what can I say?”95

Jim finished washing the dishes and sat down next to his wife, looking over her work. 96

“Ichthyology; herpetology is snakes.”97

“Oh, yeah, shit.”98

“Miss ‘I’m too good to need a pencil’…”99

“At least I don’t sit there and flip through the dictionary on every clue. And anyway there aren’t any pencils.”100

“That's ridiculous.”101

Jim walked over to the island in the middle of the kitchen and opened a drawer. And then the drawer next to it. And then the drawer set in the counter behind him. He then walked back to the table and sat down again.102

“It really is ridiculous,” he said, surprised, “how do we not have pencils?”103

Mare shrugged and continued with the puzzle.104

“Well, I’m going to watch Jeopardy in the living room,” Jim said.105

“Jeopardy’s on at seven.”106

“Not when you bought TiVo yesterday.”107

“Oh?”108

“I didn’t tell you because I thought I’d surprise you tonight. I taped that special on black holes for you.”109

“Oh my god, I completely forgot about that!” Mare gasped.110

“I knew you would. We’ll watch it after Jeopardy.”111

“This is why I love you.”112

Mare stood up and kissed Jim deeply for about a minute before Sly came in.113

“How many times do I have to beg you guys not to do that in the house?”114

“Go do your homework,” Mare snapped, albeit lightheartedly.115

“Story of my life,” Sly said.116

Sly walked away in the direction of the stairs, and Mare led Jim into the living room by the hand, still holding the pen and paper in the other.117

Mare set her puzzle down on the sofa as Jim walked to the TV to set everything up.118

“I’m going to make some popcorn,” she said.119

When Jim looked up Mare had disappeared into the kitchen. Looking around the brightly lit room, he noticed the awful contrast between the room and the pitch black windows, and for some reason it made him uneasy. He was relieved when his wife walked back into the room with a large bowl of popcorn, extra butter and salt on half of it to pevent arguments.120

“Ready to go?” he asked.121

“I can’t wait.” 122

Mare smiled and giggled a little, pleased at the way the night was going. Jim hit a button on the TiVo remote and the Jeopardy theme floated through the air of the room. Mare pulled the plush blanket from the back of the sofa and spread it over both of their laps. She curled up with her feet on the sofa and, placing Jim’s arm around her, laid her head against his chest.123

As soon as Alex Trebek began reading the first clue the black rotary phone rang once again, startling both of them for different reasons.124

“Ignore it,” Mare said.125

Jim pressed pause and picked up the receiver, holding it in his hand briefly to collect his thoughts before answering.126

“Hello,” he said, intoning a statement rather than a question.127

“Listen, if our previous, uh, problem, was the money, well, it’s at the place now, so you can pick it up on your way over here.”128

It was the female voice again.129

“Do you not realize that I have no idea what you’re talking about?” 130

Jim made it a point not to sound agitated.131

“The line isn’t tapped,” the voice said.132

“That’s terrific.”133

“Look, you better come over here right now, or we’ll have to come over there. We know where this number is located. We traced it. Nine-nine-four Sugar Maple Street. Be there in five minutes, and have the money with you, or we’ll come get you.”134

There were more whirring sounds and a click as the woman on the other end of the line hung up.135

“What in the hell…” Jim said.136

“What’s wrong, who was it?”137

“I’m still not sure. That woman that called earlier is demanding I go to Sugar Maple Street right now with ‘the money’ that they are apparently giving to me or else they’re coming here.”138

“What?” 139

“I think I’d better go—“140

“What!?”141

“Well, whoever this is, I don’t think I want her to come here. And besides, the address they gave is just next door.”142

“And where do you propose you get this money?”143

“I think I’ll just try and explain to them that I don’t know what they’re talking about and that they clearly have the wrong person in mind. It seems like I don’t owe them anything. They’re trying to give the money to me.”144

“Then why do you have to have it with you when you go?”145

Jim looked confused for a moment.146

“So they know I’m the right person?” he ventured finally.147

“You’re not the right person!”148

“Well I’ve mostly run out of ways to tell them that, haven’t I?”149

Jim walked toward the front door and yelled up the stairs for Sly.150

“I’m going with you,” Mare said.151

“What?”152

“I wanted to spend the night with you watching that documentary, and now you’re going next door to try to explain to what are apparently organized criminals that they’ve inadvertently involved someone who isn’t part of their group in whatever scheme they’re running. Not a chance in hell you’re going without me. I don’t want to watch this by myself. And maybe I can help you not get stabbed.”153

“Don’t be so dramatic, they’re set up in the suburbs and this girl on the phone sounds nice enough.”154

Sly appeared at the top of the steps.155

“What?” he asked.156

“Your mother and I are going next door for bit.”157

“To the Branson’s?”158

“You know them?”159

“Their kid Dave’s my age. We hang out sometimes.”160

“See Mare? Everything’s fi—“161

“Oh no, wait, never mind. That was just a dream I had. I forgot we moved to a neighborhood where no one even remotely similar to my age lives. Sorry.”162

With that Sly turned on his heel and walked back to his room, audibly closing the door.163

“Well, we’ll be back in a bit,” Jim called. “I really don’t think they’re going to murder us in front of the whole neighborhood like that,” he continued to Mare.164

“I guess. I’m still going with you.”165

“I figured.”166

Jim stepped out into the humid August night, noting the clouds reflecting the moonlight ominously on the dark horizon. Mare followed, holding Jim’s old college sweatshirt in her hands, the faded blue logo on the front only vaguely reminiscent of the bird it was supposed to be.167

She pulled the sweatshirt over her head as she stepped onto the sidewalk next to Jim. They began to make their way next door, Mare wondering how it was that they still had no clue who lived there, Jim wondering how anyone could possibly need a sweatshirt in such oppressive conditions. 168

“Well, I brought my wallet,” said Jim.169

“I took some money out of my purse.”170

“I can’t imagine we’re talking about all that much money if they were hiding it somewhere where we could just go pick it up.”171

“Mhmm.”172

Mare kept her lips pressed tightly together and looked rather lost in thought, and Jim wondered if she had actually heard him.173